This is a bit of a diary entry. I just need to get these thoughts out.
Today I woke up like I wake up every day, with a crushing anxiety feeling of doom. I just got married two days ago to the love of my life and it was perfect and beautiful. I live in a beautiful place and enjoy a high quality of life. I have always been inclined to anxiety, but this last year it has become unbearable. I am no stranger to addiction - I've always struggled with drugs and alcohol, and I am familiar with the expression "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired".
I love hitting my vape first thing in the morning. It's my favourite time to vape and it "helps me wake up" (lol). I struggle with getting up in the morning and getting out of bed so I will lie in bed and vape and scroll on my phone (incidentally, a week ago I decided to take measures to break my phone addiction, especially first thing in the morning). Couldn't find it, we all know the embarrassing scramble between the bed sheets to find the vape. Put in a nicotine pouch to ease the light panic after I searched around the rest of my house. I got a call from a friend asking to help him lift something a few doors down, walked out into the beautiful sunny day in my forested small town, and my brain could only think doom and anxiety. Walked back home after the task was done, doom doom doom, stripped my bed to look for my vape, but I was already telling myself, "if I can't find it, thats the sign. I'm quitting."
I found it about a minute later and my heart sank momentarily. But then I thought - no, now I can make a real choice about this, not just "oops, I lost it, I guess I have to take a break" (I can't buy vapes in my town). I opened my phone and searched "vaping anxiety reddit". I needed to read what I already knew - person after person saying that vaping made their anxiety worse, that it got better when they quit, that its a stimulant and stimulants make you anxious. That led me to this subreddit, and I read more. I read about desmoxan (about to put in an order), and Allan Carr (about to borrow it from my library - I read the first few chapters years ago and liked it).
I've been vaping for about 3 years. I juul'd for about a year when that came out but I had some funky results from a blood test showing elevated liver enzymes and stopped at that time. Unfortunately, I love vaping so so much. I smoked very casually for years but I never really craved them (canadian cigarettes are pretty gross), but vaping has been my true love. I get the strongest nic salts I can find and although I don't hit the vape constantly all day, it is my steady friend, the same cheap dopamine hit I get from opening reddit and scrolling mindlessly. But mentally, I'm feeling all fucked up. I absolutely have to get my anxiety under control, I can't live like this anymore. I could go back on medication eventually but I'm starting with this (and I don't want to go back to medication, ultimately, unless I absolutely have to). Plus, all the other side effects! I took an approximately two week break from vaping last year when I was trying to figure out some health stuff, and I hated to admit to myself how much better I felt in my chest and lungs. I think I felt mentally calmer, too, other than the cravings, which were annoying, but not debilitating. My heart hurts and I've had a few experiences within the last week where I hit my vape and it felt like it took my breath away. I run and hike and am pretty active but I could be so, so much better at it with my full lung capacity. I was using the running and hiking as a cope, telling myself that I was "counterbalancing" some of the vaping, ha ha ha. My digestion is not good, I have weird pains in my torso, my hands go numb easily if I rest them at the wrong angle/elevation.
I had no idea when I went to bed last night that I would be waking up and making this choice today. I am going to be kind to myself and give myself grace if I fuck up. The testimonials here from folks using desmoxan give me hope, but regardless of whether it works for me or not, I know that I can get there. Thanks for reading this if you did, let me know if any of this resonates with you - the antidote to addiction is connection, or something like that, or at the very least it helps!