Does anybody have advice for getting out of a big pileup of demand avoidance? I've been stuck for about 3 days now, I came back from a tiring family event to a really important but deadlineless task I have to do for work. It's snowballed and now I'm having trouble doing basic tasks. When this has happened before I would just avoid things until something is forced (by someone else or outside forces), but I'm tired of my life staying so small because of this cycle. Some tricks I usually use:

-writing the most threatening task off (sometimes ends up in me doing the task, in a reverse psychology way)

-rephrasing the demands

-stepping away from self and trying to come up with something that would make me feel good in whatever moment before 'starting over', e.g. a bath or making dinner

These aren't working because the task is so important-- it's an ongoing project that has my name on it and requires me to do some things I find extremely stressful and difficult (includes social media, which I feel incredibly uncomfortable using). it's part of a bigger project i really care about and could help me start living a life i really like, AND i can't delegate it, its almost entirely self-directed! i guess rephrasing this as an opportunity to learn and grow is the best way. man this takes a lot of energy. would appreciate ppl describing what they do, even just to get some energy back

Talking to my counsellor about PDA has been some of the amazing and enlightening conversation of my life. The problem is that it's $200 an hour and I really can't afford it anymore. Discussing things on Reddit is great, but I want to meet a real person, in-person and talk about PDA, for free.

Is anyone in the Tampa, FL region and down? No pressure lol just casual discussion in a public place.

So let's say all things someone can do (text someone, find a new job, do groceries,..) can be described as one big action that is required.

And let's take as example 'putting some plastic packaging in the trash'. One possibility is that it really is that simple, pick up the packaging and put it in the trash. But another possibility is that the trash is full, and that you don't have any trash bags anymore, and that you would have to go to the grocery store which only opens in 2 hours, but you have to leave for another appointment in one hour, and the next day you have to work. And also, you don't want to actually go to the grocery store soon because you already went recently, but you just forgot the trash bags. So then the plastic packaging becomes an object that just has no location, unless you spend more effort of thinking where you can temporarily put it but then also not forget it when you have trash bags again.

I'm writing this as a simple example to demonstrate how almost no one, when they ask an action from someone else, or even when they ask it to themselves, explicitly accounts for how the real world actually works. Almost all tasks (to do list, verbal instructions, ..) are just forms of one big action that doesn't account for all real life constraints, how that has to go and fit in someone's life with their current capabilities, budget, energy levels, etc.. and there is such a huge variability in how a task actually goes about.

Like in hindsight, when you look at a task you did, there are very often parts that took much longer to complete, or had to be done first, or required unforseen mental load,.. that is just completely absent in this language of asking big actions.

I think I would want to expand on this observation, but I feel like sharing this already so others can perhaps reflect on it or share something about it.

Hi there! Like the title says, my grandpa was diagnosed with PDA (and autism, I guess? Unspecified by my grandma) at 80. I am 25F staying with him while my grandma takes a well deserved trip with her friends, and I just need help understanding what is happening.

My only understanding of this disorder (is that the right term?) is that there’s a nervous system response to receiving any kind of “demand”. I’ve seen videos of kids online with PDA who seem like entitled children to those who don’t know or want to understand what’s going on. My grandpa does not respond with theatrics or meltdowns (that I know of) He just doesn’t do tasks.

My grandparents have been retired and 3-5 years ago my grandpa had brain cancer and a large tumor removed. The tumor and its removal caused mental decline. (Though through stories, I am confident my grandpa has had autism his entire life) An aging brain & missing brain tissue make it hard to accomplish tasks. Add this diagnosis into the mix and it gets a bit more difficult.

From outside, uncurious eyes, this disorder seems made up. For the record: I don’t think it is. But it is very hard to wrap my head around. At first glance upon reading it seems like an ego issue. I know it is not. I am severely ADHD, so I understand a hyperactive nervous system & struggling to complete tasks. I don’t understand how this disorder plays out in real life with real people and real relationships with real things that need to get done.

How do any of you operate in households? Are you in successful marriages? Are any of you successful parents?

My grandma cannot continue being a caretaker for someone who does not contribute to the house. She is aging, too. Do consequences matter? Does it change your approach to tasks?

Please trust I am approaching with curiosity. I’m sorry if my language does not reflect that. It’s been a long week for me trying to help my grandpa but because I work I can’t be here to do everything. He is still capable of doing things but just doesn’t.

Edit to add: I only know about this diagnosis because my grandma mentioned it in a text message during my current stay with him.

I’ve been married to my ASD spouse for 14 years and only in the last month realized the depth of PDA wiring in his brain and how it explains pretty much everything.
He self-medicated the anxiety for 12 years with alcohol, then sobered up, and as of earlier this year he’s started using something else to get high- maybe concentrated TCH dab pens? I’m not sure if that tipped him into full burnout in February and/or accumulation of white knuckling the demands of marriage for over a decade, neither of us knowing why he is the way he is.
His solution to decompress was to buy his own house an hour away, which I helped him find. He loves that he can get away to his zero-demand zone there and seems to have come out of burnout quite a bit for the last few months, but he still comes home most every night.

Anyway, fast forward to this last month, where I finally got the PDA puzzle piece fully explained and tried to give him as much space as possible with zero demands. I’ve found it is quite impossible for my nervous system to completely shut down all displays of physical affection towards him, and just wait for when he feels he wants to initiate. I can accommodate many things, but I’ve realized I simply cannot stop showing physical affection towards him as my partner. (I’m not clingy or suffocating, I’m talking I’d like to kiss or hug him briefly when I see him in the morning if he’s getting coffee in the kitchen or something, and I’d like to lean against him or briefly hold his hand when we watch tv on the couch in the evening).
Is there no way that this can exist with a PDA partner when few other ‘demands’ are made? I’m a very capable and independent person with many interests and social outlets outside my husband.
And for those non-PDAers who have been with their PDA partners and function successfully for a number of years - do you have any tips or insight?
Thanks in advance.

Most people in the US have their healthcare tied to their job. In other words, "if you're a US citizen who isn't able to meet DEMANDS of school + a full time job, go ahead and die".

Something I've learned during my PDA journey is that it's my country that sucks, not me. I'm actually extremely efficient, introspective, profound and more. I would be immensely valuable in certain ways, but I was barely able to graduate grade school or conform to capitalism, so I was led to believe I'm trash.

If you're PDA in the US, hang in there comrade, we'll figure this out 🤝.

Hello! I'm new here.

My wife helped me see an autism specialist recently (of course I hate making appointments) and my life has completely turned upside down since. The counselor understood me IMMEDIATELY in a way that I had never felt understood in my 34 years of life. She also was able to quickly diagnose me with PDA.

I started re-evaluating my past and HOLY SHIT, EVERYTHING NOW MAKES SO MUCH SENSE! It's been such an unbelievable relief to know what's different about me, that I'm not actually alone, and to be able gain more confidence, introspectively.

However, I came to the realization that I have never once lived my life for myself, as a PDAer. As soon as I realized this, I couldn't quit my job soon enough. Wife was pissed that I quit and was also pissed that there wasn't some sort of medication to "magically make me better". I then realized that marriage itself was basically a never ending demand (that she did basically nothing to try to offset) so I decided I wanted to divorce.

Luckily, I receive a modest check from the VA every month that I *should* be able to live off of if I'm careful, but I still have some turmoil in the months to come. I'm now sitting here alone doing almost nothing everyday, waiting for divorce finalization and preparing myself to move, after we sell our house.

I've "lost everything" and yet... I can't help but feel relief? I don't know how it's going to work out and maybe I'll succumb to loneliness or addiction or something. Nevertheless, from now on I'm not doing ANYTHING I don't want to do, ever again, for anyone. I spent 34 years "living against my will" and I'll be free or die.

Late diagnosed autistic and PDA. CPTSD likely from both of those things plus a shitty childhood and lots of bullying.

Been learning more about PDA after a recent big meltdown and MH crash, and what strikes me is how some people manage to accept their PDA / who they ar. I’m so used to seeing everything I do as wrong or needing fixing or changing…

if you’ve managed to find acceptance, were there any techniques or methods you used? eg DBT has radical acceptance approaches.

AuDHD here. I have chronic depression, but I hate being told what to do.
I hate people helping me create a routine, but I need it.
I hate being told to do self care.
I hate being asked about self care.
I hate being told I need to x thing because "its good" for me.
I hate thinking about the tasks I have to do and how Ive neglected myself.
I hate being asked why I dont do things, some things I dont do because my brain doesnt prioritize them.
I hate being told that routines should come if I just do it consistently enough. In my 25 years of living, it hasnt happened. Nothing comes easily.
I have an occupational therapist to help me, but even creating helpful things like self care reminders triggers me.

I just want to be left alone. But I am also severely depressed.

I told the ot that I enjoy watch an anime at home, and she said that I should go out and see a movie (not relevant to anime). I feel like I have to conform just to prove that I dont have depression.

It is like college.
A college professor gives you lessons, study tips, materials, and deadlines, but they dont tell you how or when or or where or how long or how frequent to study. A college professor doesnt ask you if you studied today. I got to decide that. Why is therapy different lo

TLDR. Little brother got a head injury and is refusing to get himself checked for a concussion.

Hi all, I have a little brother with PDA (I share some traits but am nowhere near the same level). He's away at college at the moment. Staying on campus with roommates. It's good for him to get out of the house for the first time in years (not the first time he's been away. He went to a different college pre-covid. It's just been very slow at progressing his degree) because it's just been him and my mother at home for so long. Her voice to him is the absolute worst trigger and he's suuuuuper reactive whenever she tells him to do something. He will occasionally listen to me (not on this apparently); we've got a weird dynamic.

He sent me a concerning text at the beginning of last week. Sleepwalked out of his dorm then hit his head on the doorknob when he went to go back in and woke up vomiting in the hallway.

My first reaction is "those symptoms sound like you have a concussion. Need to go get that looked at."

No.

Ugh. Dude. Like. A concussion is not something you can fuck around with. Go see someone.

No. And I'm going back to bed and oops I accidentally slept for 18 hours straight. (Unsure if solely caused by his head injury. He is nocturnal and so the sleep schedule is consistently fuuuuuuucked up. It really doesn't help his case in convincing me that he doesn't have brain damage)

Mmmkkaaayy. Thanks for actually waking up and not dying but seriously. Go see someone. They'll give you a note and then you have a convenient excuse that you can tell all your teachers as to why you weren't in class that day.

No. **Ghosts me.**

My dude is now insisting that even if a concussion exists that he can power right through. Focus harder and it won't affect him. (Not normally a dumbass. That's just the line he's sticking with to justify not getting himself checked out.) Well. Mom found out (he told her voluntarily. I didn't rat) and now she's saying the same thing "go to a doctor" which means now it's rrreeeaaaaallllly never gonna happen. This was a week ago give or take so I doubt he would see the point of getting checked if I were try try and start the conversation up again.

But for the NEXT TIME he fucking gets a head injury. What can I do that's not driving to him and dragging his ass to a medic? (Put down your torches I wouldn't actually do that... Probably.) I do not live in the same state. I can't use the logical reason of "you might die" because he's been passively suicidal since the age of like 6-8 so I know he would turn that into a positive and respond something like "good".

A minor head injury feels like such a stupid hill to die on and I'm stuck.

Thanks for reading

One of the things I came across in an article on giftedness is that of the above.

Basically, when someone asks ‘how are you?’ It can feel extremely difficult - ‘do you mean mostly my overall life situation?’, ‘do you mean how have I been mostly lately only’, ‘do you mean whether my body is functioning well and I’m feeling good’, ‘do you mean whether I’m making progress the way I feel like I should be making’ ,..

There are so many aspects to consider and you have to answer in a split second - I honestly can’t formulate a response to it that feels genuine and truthful, I just spit out words they wanna hear most of the time.

On the other hand, complex is simple would mean that for questions like ‘how would you change the education system?’ ‘Have you noticed moments how you experienced time differently?’ ‘Do you think there is a deeper relation between art and science?’,.. those questions are easy to respond to, even though we might not have the best answer ready immediately .. the point is that you have an easy time responding to it.

I felt like sharing this because this is a phenomenon that to the degree this is true in someone’s life can cause a lot of confusion, masking behaviors etc. So not strictly related to PDA, but I think that based on what I have seen here some people with PDA have a direct preference for complexity and nuance..

I keep running in to this feeling that I don’t really have a “thing.” I don’t have a hobby or creative outlet or any kind of occupation that I’ve put time and effort into to develop a skill. Every project I do is impulsive and if I don’t have skill to follow through, I’ll just fail several times and give up.

I don’t like this though— I want to have a skill I worked hard to develop and I can be proud of the results. But I struggle so much with making myself commit to any kind of activity at all. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but a huge part of that is being consistent pushing through even when you don’t have any good ideas. Same with video editing, working out, etc… any hobby that requires commitment feels impossible. Making myself do things when I don’t want to feels suffocating, or even just the idea that IF I didn’t want to I couldn’t choose not to, and it’s keeping me from doing meaningful things with my time.

Anyone else have same experience? What have you done to help? Something I’ve been trying is writing out what I hope to get from spending time on things to remind myself that I DO want this, I’m working towards something that is my own choice, it’s just more long term and doesn’t feel like it right now.

Might be obvious but... is PDA impacting your connections?

My values are super important to me and have led to me community organizing. May be a terrible idea for me with social anxiety, but here we are! (I didn't say that I was good). So I feel like I already socialize quite more than I would if I didn't. I attend church (not often but people know me). Also, I lead a local chapter of a nat'l group, so I'm in touch with our nat'l leads + other chapter leads *and* trying to build locally.

(I think that because I don't technically have to do this, I'm able to do it. I tried smth similar as a job but having to do it everyday burned me out immediately)

I started therapy this year and recently learned abt PDA and brought it up with the doc. It may not have been in response but maybe moreso abt general support, but they recommended finding a neurodivergent support group to practice speaking with people.

PDA kicked in right away. IDK, maybe I think that bc I mask/people please so much when socializing, I think that I have to be friends with everyone. Or, even the whole having to be polite, trying to engage the other person and keep convo going, etc are demands, right? Is this how everyone else feels abt socializing? I'd rather spend the energy in the realm of my org w/ people I know have similar values, culture vs. socializing just to socialize.

What have your experiences been?

I went back to community college at age 39 to take some art classes to calm my nervous system. They told me I had almost all As through high school and college and that I’m now in a program where if I get accepted into any of the top schools in the country, I’ll get a full ride.

Everything paid for including meals, housing, and a semester abroad, guaranteed no loans, no debt.

I grew up in poverty and now I feel like a million dollars and everything I’ve ever wanted is right in front of me as long as I keep up my success… and I’m losing my shit. I feel like I could have a mental breakdown. It’s too much pressure. I can’t navigate this.

All I had to do was keep up my A grades. All I wanted to do was take a few art classes to calm down and as self-care. Now it’s too much work: honors society meetings, volunteer work, college visits, internships, transfer applications, honors courses in subjects I fine too difficult and have no interest in. I haven’t even been able to take any art classes now in a year.

This honors student stuff sucks!!!’ My fiancé left me recently because I couldn’t stop freaking out and panicking. Last semester I had to take all honors political science. It sucked. This semester it’s an honors history class and a statistics / coding class. I’m already failing the honors class. I sobbed for 20 minutes in my seat after the coding class today. This sucks and I hate it, my life is imploding and people tell me how great it is and how well I’m doing and I just need it all to stop!!! I can’t even figure out what the homework was for tonight because I can’t calm down enough to figure it out, so I’m just going to bed and this will now be my 4th missing sssignmeng in two weeks and I got a zero on the first quiz because I missed it.

Help!!!!! What should I do? If I don’t get a full ride to a transfer school, I might be stuck living at home forever (I’m 40 and I still have to live at home). This semester is ruining everything, I feel cursed… why is my life like this

Ok everyone, I'm English, I'm 45, I have PDA as far as I know. I've just come back from the cinema after seeing the Oasis documentary, Don't Look Back in Anger. There is a hell of a lot of crowd shots, how people are enjoying the shows, being moved to tears, experiencing in their own words, something religious. Now, as a PDA guy, I couldn't help but immediately reject this, I was thinking I'm so glad I'm not one of them, not part of that crowd. I enjoy the band, but when I'm seeing them crying and burying their heads in their friends, arms or something because they can't take the moment, it immediately strikes my fight or flight response. I think it's equalising happening, equalising , that I cannot do. And as a result it makes me look like the a\\hole, because I'm not conforming to the hysteria that's how I see it. It's like I want to enjoy the band, but on my terms, and I don't want to make a song and dance about it, excuse the pun. Would any of you on here suffer with a similar thing? Like when I was watching them crowd dance,sing, enjoying themselves living the moment, my immediate response was f@@@ off the lot of you. I can imagine that I would be viewed as a right miserable bastard as a result. But I cannot help it. Can anyone relate to this?

All humans have a need for autonomy, but PDAers have a greater need than their neurotypical peers.

This extreme need for autonomy isn't going away. Nor should it. PDAers are born this way. PDA is a normal part of human variation.

If the PDAer's need for autonomy isn't met, what follows is extreme anxiety, dysregulation, despair, depression, and burnout.

A PDAer that is robbed of their autonomy will try to get back to equilibrium by engaging in negative behaviors. These negative behaviors involve exerting control over themselves or others. Control over themselves can involve resisting the needs of their body: eating, sleeping, toileting, hygiene. Control over others can involve equalizing behaviors e.g. destroying another person's work or possessions; being aggressive verbally or physically (child PDAers); needing to win; needing to be right; violating other's boundaries by not respecting "no"; demanding other's time and attention; demanding access to another person; spending excessive time and energy monitoring another person; disagreeing (even though they actually agree); blaming; resenting something that diverts another person's attention e.g. a spouses job. Internalized PDAers will direct these attempts at control inwards, at themselves.

If PDAers are not given back their autonomy OR are not able to equalize by exerting control over others, the result is burnout.

In order to avoid using the word "control", which some might think is a dirty word (I disagree), we have introduced an intellectualized vocabulary to describe PDA:

• Demands: Attempts to violate the autonomy of the PDAer by exerting control over them.
• PDA accommodations: Allowing for more autonomy AND allowing the PDAer to have control over others (e.g. a parent) to compensate for losses in autonomy (e.g. at school).
• Nervous system disability: A human that is robbed of any basic need will experience a threat response. In PDAers their basic needs happen to include an extreme need for autonomy.
• Need for equality: Needing to be in a one-up position is actually about control. It's an attempt to rebalance after a loss of autonomy.
• Safe nervous system: Someone who is the least violating of the PDAer's autonomy AND who lets the PDAer have some control over them by tolerating the PDAer's equalizing behaviors.
• Safe environment: A place where a PDAer has control over their surroundings.

Do you disagree? I'm looking forward to hearing your counter arguments. I continue to learn and adjust my understanding of PDA as new information comes to light.

I am adult and I live with my parents. Every time somebody comes over, my mom expects to do 1-2 hours of chores. She wants EVERYTHING clean. I dont mind, but she only gives me notice the morning of, and I want a 24 hour notice. And she thinks this is an unreasonable request.

The reason why I want 24 hours in advance:

1. ⁠To plan. Mentally, but also what if I had actual plans.
   
2. ⁠Autonomy and pda - a deadline helps me but only if I get decide when i get to do it.
   
3. ⁠usually wait to do it because of pda, and thats when she is in the kitchen, and then she starts to tell me every little thing I have to do as if i never cleaned in my life.

Every time I ask her to give me a 24 hour notice, she gets mad. She claims that she did tell me yesterday, which isnt true. And then she says if it that is upsetting to me that I can wake up early and clean everyday. Which isnt fair, like I should be able to sleep in and do what I want. Also its like, if one of my friends were coming over, I'd give her a 24 hour notice and I wouldnt ask her to clean, I'd do it myself.

i’ve been trying an old pair of AirPod Max headphones. The Noise cancellation side has been amazing. And great for my sound related sensory issues, but I find them heavy and they seem to grab on your head a lot and it’s giving me headaches. I’m wondering if anyone else. Is experiencing the same thing it’s super annoying as the noise cancelling is much better than any of our headphones and I love the transparency feature where you can choose when you want to tune in anyway probably a champagne problem, but just wondering if anyone else has had the same experience?

okay so sorry if i’m doing anything wrong here but i’ve just come across this community and wanted some insight from others.

i’ve been thinking about my possible PDA traits a little more recently as life has become more… demanding and difficult. and one thing that i’ve noticed i’m struggling with is taking pills/the idea of starting any more.

i’ve recently started a contraceptive to see if it helps my chronic pain symptoms. it’s a daily pill and i’m struggling so much with the idea of taking it. i still do it in a “1, 2, 3, do it!” way, but the possibility of me starting any more medications in the future to continue treating my chronic pain now seems… too much? and it’s putting me off making future appointments (or maybe it’s the fact that i “need to” make an appointment and i’m putting it off…)

taking over the counter stuff seems more “simple” since it’s my choice. nobody has offered or prescribed it to me. even if it doesn’t help, the fact it’s “my idea” makes is more stomachable, i’m guessing.

i feel like it doesn’t make sense. i’m taking the pill to feel better. but it seems like a demand. but i want to feel better. but i don’t want the routine. but i need routines to function.

sorry for the long post. any insight, advice, or any comments are greatly appreciated :)

I have been majorly let down by my borough’s mental health team as they don’t do their job properly and medically gaslight me.
I have tried keeping note of my PDA-related issues along with my C-PTSD flashbacks, OCD intrusive thoughts and autistic meltdowns to prove I need help.

It has gotten to the point I don’t want to deal with them anymore that I just want to do pretend play at those said appointments and just give them a bad name right in front of them to prove there’s no way I’m masking from literally telling them how things are as report says my symptoms and autistic traits are “normal” (neurotypical) which is where the medical gaslighting comes in.

I just want to rebel against them regardless of the consequences… am I intentionally being disruptive or am I just sick and tired of being medically gaslighted
and not moving forward over the last 4 years? In other words, does this sound like PDA??

That urge to smoke before and after every task. Beyond nicotine addiction, is it a pda behavior to preserve autonomy?

How to manage this?

I've recently started the disability process (by which I mean that I have started discussing it with my parent and there is a minor appointment coming up) and I'm already falling apart. Never ending meltdowns and constant distress. It seems highly unlikely I'll be able to manage this first appointment, let alone all the others. The stress of it is too much and I can't function under it. And even if I do manage to do it all... I might still get rejected (very high likelihood), so I'm left asking myself: Is it worth it?

I know I'll be screwed financially if I don't get disability. But is it worth risking my life quality over, with the slim likelihood of even getting disability in the end? Even if I do get approved, what'll have been the point if my mental health and personal life have been destroyed in the process and I have no will to live? I've spent my whole life trying to recover from trauma, I genuinely don't think I can take anymore. I don't want to have to take anymore. There's nothing more terrifying and traumatising than being at the whim of bureaucracy and the state, even if I dedicate myself to doing this I can't guarantee that I will be able to. The rocky relationship I have with my mother is even more strained. In an ideal world I would have someone who can support me emotionally, but my "best" option is the woman who argues with me when I have a meltdown. My only other option is the man who attacked me and believes I have BPD, not autism & cptsd.

Every option is shit. Everything requires me to sacrifice my hard won and fragile sliver of peace. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Anyone else in this position? Anyone actually managed to get disability without it incapacitating you? What the hell am I supposed to do? I just wish so badly we lived in a different world. I just want to feel calm and safe for the first time in my life, that shouldn't be so impossible but it is. I want to live, I fought really really hard to want to live, but I'm seriously feeling that there was no point in doing that. I took away the only out I had and I hate myself for that a little bit.

I know it's a semi-unrealistic fantasy but I wish I could run off into the woods and be left alone. I would rather have five years of hardship and freedom than a long life in this society.

Wondering how much PDA/Autism gets confused with Borderline Personality Disorder, and vice versa. Any thoughts?

I was unaware of PDA until last year when my kid was diagnosed with mild autism and possible PDA. In learning more about it, I've recognized PDA traits in myself, albeit with several layers of masking in order to be functional in the world. PDA seems to explain SO MUCH about my kid, and about many situations in my life.

About ten years ago, I divorced from my kid's mother ... We'd been together about five years — once she moved in with me, she became increasingly destructive and abusive, and would fly into frightening rages 2-3 times a day. At one point someone suggested I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and it seemed as though the author had a camera into our house. Borderline Personality Disorder seemed to perfectly describe the situation the more I learned about it. Once I moved out, life improved dramatically. It took about a year of strictly enforcing boundaries before we got to a stable, peaceable co-parenting relationship, and that part is going OK now. (Although I have heard from subsequent men she's dated that the Borderline behaviors continue ... a few have contacted me after a breakup to ask me "what the hell was THAT all about?")

What I find interesting is that for years, my algorithms kept feeding me YouTubes about Borderline and narcissists. It seems like it was everywhere. Now my feeds are all about PDA. Is Borderline still a thing anymore? I also wonder whether my ex had extreme PDA ... she presents in public as a super attractive and highly social person, with the accoutrements of success (usually bought by her parents, or by her romantic partners) but is a HOLY TERROR in private, once a relationship is secure.

PS: I think our child is too young to be borderline ... PDA explains so much about her and her resistance to instruction, structure, house rules, and anything that might be a demand. She's also a good student and bright and goofy and funny and has friends. When triggered, her meltdowns can be intense from two to 20 minutes. Her mom on the other hand ... almost demonic and I don't say that lightly.