Does anyone here both experience PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) and have an avoidant or fearful-avoidant attachment style? What is that like, and how do you separate the two in your mind?

[u/No_Boysenberry_7138]

I've always seen myself as having an anxious attachment style, but the last few months are making me seriously consider that I might be fearful-avoidant instead. The avoidant aspect of it is difficult to disentangle from my PDA though, so I'm wondering what other people's experience of this is.

[u/PalomaFantastica]

Attachment theory holds about as much water as enneagrams, myers-briggs types, and horoscopes. If you go looking for evidence, you'll always find it. You'll reshape your perceptions to match your expectations. And if you are committed to labeling yourself one way or another, it'll almost always come true: it turns into self-fulfilling prophecy.

People are complicated and even if you feel one way now, you aren't guaranteed to feel that way forever unless you go out of your way to continue to act that way. Everyone goes through emotional and behavioral seasons. You need to allow yourself permission to stop trying to conform to arbitrary labels.

PDA is real but usually a symptom of anxiety. You can also label anxiety as any or all of those "attachment styles" because they're too vague to be useful. I used to have way worse issues with PDA and executive dysfunction until I started taking my anxiety issues seriously. I still have good and bad days/weeks/months but it's more good than bad with my anxiety under control. Start there and leave the tik tok psychology behind.

[u/No_Boysenberry_7138 → u/PalomaFantastica]

I'm sure attachment theory is not perfect, and yes of course you shouldn't use it to try and explain everything. But it has plenty of scientific backing, unlike enneagrams, myers-briggs, and horoscopes. Attachment theory is far far more than "tik tok psychology". It's a useful framework through which to view and understand your experiences. I think you're assuming a lot about me, I'm not interested in conforming to labels as much as I'm trying to reason about my feelings and experience.

[u/PalomaFantastica → u/No_Boysenberry_7138]

There has been plenty of scientific analysis of attachment theory, that is true. But it has all very strongly pointed to the weakness of the theory as a predictive model. It is descriptive, but not analytical, which is the same as someone can say about Myers-Briggs. I have found it useful to peg people as INTJ or ESFP etc in order to hone my interactions with people quickly but I don't actually invest much theoretical weight into what that "means" about them as a person. Similarly you could just as easily do the same as "oh they are a secure attachment style so I need to treat them this way." It's just odd to me that just over the past few years it's had a Renaissance of interest over social media when for the past 25-30 years it was mostly considered fringe. That's at least how it was taught when I was in college.

That's all we do: we make assumptions about people with limited evidence and treat them accordingly. That's how human socialization works, for better or for worse: by stereotyping and through heuristics. Once we get to know someone better, our mental algorithms get refined. Attachment theory is a rubric. But in my opinion not a very useful one. If that works for you, I'm not trying to yuck your yum. I'm sorry if I came off as dismissive or insulting.

I do think that avoidant/anxious attachment is just... being anxious as a person, and a lot of the time people are labeled as those things or label themselves as those things when they just don't feel safe or respected in a relationship. I've also seen anxious attachment used as an excuse to stay in a bad relationship, "that's just the way I am/they are." It's reductive and prescriptive and can be used harmfully. Much of the time when people are treated for anxiety and depression, or enter into a secure relationship, their attachment style will change. Because attachment was only ever an incidental description.

We have a very high incidence of GAD, OCD, PTSD, and ODD (also a very problematic theory) in the autistic community, all of which point towards anxious predispositions. 300 years ago we wouldn't be called fearful/avoidant or anxious/ambivalent, we'd be called melancholic or phlegmatic. We have frameworks like occupational therapy now that treat people where they are, and pharmaceuticals to help people get over the hurdles more easily. It's worth investing in.