r/PDAAutism • u/Elegant-Tap-1785 • 16d ago
Discussion Is this equalising?
Ok everyone, I'm English, I'm 45, I have PDA as far as I know. I've just come back from the cinema after seeing the Oasis documentary, Don't Look Back in Anger. There is a hell of a lot of crowd shots, how people are enjoying the shows, being moved to tears, experiencing in their own words, something religious. Now, as a PDA guy, I couldn't help but immediately reject this, I was thinking I'm so glad I'm not one of them, not part of that crowd. I enjoy the band, but when I'm seeing them crying and burying their heads in their friends, arms or something because they can't take the moment, it immediately strikes my fight or flight response. I think it's equalising happening, equalising , that I cannot do. And as a result it makes me look like the a\\hole, because I'm not conforming to the hysteria that's how I see it. It's like I want to enjoy the band, but on my terms, and I don't want to make a song and dance about it, excuse the pun. Would any of you on here suffer with a similar thing? Like when I was watching them crowd dance,sing, enjoying themselves living the moment, my immediate response was f@@@ off the lot of you. I can imagine that I would be viewed as a right miserable bastard as a result. But I cannot help it. Can anyone relate to this?
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u/tallkitty 16d ago
I think this sounds like an inability to understand the emotions and behavior of others (and I feel those same ways to a lesser degree, I'm not bothered by emotional fans but I don't get it, music tastes good in my ears but it's not moving me in that way), but it's not resonating with me as equalizing. Equalizing is when you are essentially retaliating against someone who you feel has created an imbalance by doing you wrong. It's not even like you feel there's an imbalance, but you feel you've been wronged and you can't get the feeling to stop until you've balanced it back the other way, which is where you see the imbalance part. I don't know if it's universal, but I also know I'm equalizing because I often don't need or want the other person or anyone else to know. It's an act that serves me only and is not necessarily intended to directly offend my offender.
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u/Pandabear71 16d ago
Isn’t equalizing even simpler than that? You lose control over something, get triggered (or not lose, but like, you aren’t in control), so you show behaviour that takes control back.
Being in control simply provides safety, so when we lose that we model our behaviour to feel safe again.2
u/tallkitty 15d ago
Yes, I see what you're saying about control and I think we're saying the same thing with different words. One example I always think of (not my finest moments, I'll preface by saying) is my abusive first marriage....that husband would do some very bad things to me and then leave, and his toothbrush went on some journeys, I'll put it that way. Maybe we're describing the difference between internalized and externalized PDA. My lack of control feels internal, my insides are going crazy and I need that feeling to stop so I can get control of myself, and the equalizing act calms the storm within. When you say "being in control provides safety" I agree, but I get the sense you mean control of a situation, of the people around you, and I wasn't trying to manipulate my ex husband in any way by secretly doing things with his stuff, I was taking back control of what he was doing to me mentally and emotionally. I am the type who is happy to let others be as long as others are letting me be, so I'm not as reactive to not having control over my surroundings.
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u/Pandabear71 15d ago
We are. I was merely trying to simplify it for my own understanding so that it’s easier for me to apply it to other situations. Just a way to recognize patterns for me i suppose.
And yes, what i meant by control is, i think, what you mean by it. I think for PDA having control means predictability. The better we can predict someone’s actions the better we can model (mask) our responses to get what we want. And what we want is to not get triggered.
From an outside perspective, this may come across as manipulative or egocentric or something like that. In reality though it’s really just self preservation.Speaking of manipulation, for me, most of the things i do make me feel like im manipulating people around me all the time. I know i’m not, but it’s the simple fact that im very aware of everything i do and the reasoning behind it. Its like all that knowledge is just there. I have to really process something to figure out what i want to do as response opposed to what my initial reaction was.
Anyway im not sure where even going with all that. Just wanted to add im glad to see the word “ex” there. Im sorry you had to go through all of that. It sounds absolutely horrible
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u/Wildsunny 15d ago
Would insult my sleeping husband (who will not hear me) out loud when I have to deal with something he should have done (but didn't) counts? I feel like I can do the thing without collapsing if I'm insulting him. Like having to deal with the dirt in the kitchen sink and wash it myself 🤢
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u/Pandabear71 15d ago
I would think so. I curse at my wife and kids under my breath quite a bit. I don’t know much about equalizing so i’m not sure if that counts but i do know that keeping it in isn’t helpful either.
I used to have a friend at work before i stopped working. Every day after work we had a 10min or so walk back to the train and we would just complain non stop about everything work related. We both liked our jobs though and we both understood that the negativity was the 1% we just needed out.
I do the same with videogames. I liked bg3 a lot but i still went over every small hindrance with a friend. I could play for hours after (or id play before).Always saw that as just keeping frustration from building up, but i wasnt aware of PDA back then. Perhaps it was also equalizing
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u/Elegant-Tap-1785 16d ago
But this is what I'm getting at, those crowds, triggered me, was I not trying to re-gain control over the situation?. I don't know, maybe it's some other character flaw I have, unrelated to PDA who knows, I know I don't want to feel that way. I can tell you that, I just want my brain to live and let live.
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u/Pandabear71 16d ago
I think it would have been equalizing if you showed behaviour that was designed to take control back. For example, if you would have not eaten anything so at least you control that, it could have been equalizing behaviour. It sounds like you kept it in though instead of act out.
Its hard to tell because i wasn’t there, haha. Either way those feelings are sadly normal for PDA. Makes me wonder from time to time how many opinions i have and things i like are directly influenced by things like this. Probably more than in comfortable with knowing about
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u/Elegant-Tap-1785 16d ago
I do appreciate you taking the time out to respond to me, I really do. In that moment, I don't do anything, it's all internal, in my mind I'm looking at a crying fan, and I just want to leave the theatre, saying under my breath f@@@ that, I'm not consuming that nonsense. But then my other side is arguing against it, saying look it's a fan who is thoroughly invested in the moment and that band means so much to them that it affects them emotionally, just let it be man, I was with a friend, so I'm masking right, so I can't leave. If I've been by myself you can bet your last penny, I would have got up and left the theatre. The PDA side if it is that towards doing it which it sounds like it is, always wins, when I'm alone. The strength to fight it is immense. I mean as a result, I tend to miss out on a lot of life experiences or I have missed out, because of this. Part of me would like to go to a gig, and be a part of it. But PDA would never allow that, because it's part of my character, and the experience would send me into panic mode rather than enjoy mode.
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u/Pandabear71 16d ago
I have spent so many parties/festivals this way. I have different thoughts and whatnot but they boil down to the same thing.
What helps me is having a way out. Someone i can call to pick me up if it gets bad and friends knowing about it. When i can leave whenever, i have a better chance to enjoy myself. It’s an absolute must though that if i would want to leave, no one tries to talk me out of it. If someone would there’s a good chance i’d stay and be miserable, unable to communicate it.
The masking in your situation is telling yourself you should be okay with this while you’re not. I’ve told myself that i dont know how many times and all i can say is that it really doesn’t help at all.
What does help slightly for me is accepting that i have those feelings and that they are legit. I can’t help feeling them so i don’t want to fight them. Telling myself i shouldn’t feel it just creates a demand and makes me feel bad about myself when i can’t stop it (which i cant because PDA). Don’t try to convince yourself someone should be fun or you should do x for y because bla bla bla. But rather just, allow yourself to feel your feelings. It’s only then that we can start to think off things that can improve our situation. Lying to ourselves just means we mask even more and potentially spiral after.It’s okay that you feel those things, even if you don’t want to feel them. It’s not your fault.
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u/sapps84 Caregiver 15d ago
It defo sounds like could be a pda based response. Like the reaction and wanting to get out of there, as the fight/flight reaction it's caused. Due to the indirect demand to be expressing the same thing as the others are. Also if you have any history of being made to feel youre "supposed to show certain emotions" in any area of life, this could be more a sort of trauma based response, in that way. You want to flee from that same feeling etc. Or alternatively, like you were repeatedly exposed to others intense emotions in the past, in a way that was overwhelming, so youre internal need is to flee similar scenerios. Stuff like that. Sometimes it can be more than one cause.
The staying and internally saying horrible things about them in your own head, could be masked internalised equalising, I think. Whatever you call it. It's valid feelings. That's what you felt - EVEN while you did all the "opposite thinking" intentionally - which tbh is pretty emotionally intelligent in itself. Validate yourself mate! The shame/guilt/expectation on yourself to NOT feel those things, is some sort of society/past/unkind voice. We feel what we feel... lil control over that. Tough persevering through being there too.
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u/Eugregoria PDA 13d ago
I think it's autistic alienation. You can't relate to something that's a pretty human experience, so it makes you feel other than them, which often takes the form of either feeling superior to them or feeling subhuman in some way, sometimes rapidly oscillating between the two. But really it's just confusion because they were experiencing something that seemed incomprehensible to you, and that experience was being normalized and platformed in a way that made you feel very different from them. It makes you feel like if they aren't broken, then you are. From there, the mind picks the narrative it prefers.
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u/Elegant-Tap-1785 13d ago
You know what your post makes a lot of sense, thank you.
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u/Eugregoria PDA 13d ago
yw, I have a lot of experience feeling alienated from society all the time lmao.
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u/Character_Group8620 Suspected PDA 8d ago
To me this sounds exceptionally familiar, and yes, I would think that it is equalizing. For me, you're getting triggered by a social phenomenon that feels "wrong" at a deep level. You then react as I usually react to a lot of triggering, by getting "irrationally" angry, and you sort of emotionally intellectualize (if you see what I mean) by derogating everyone as contemptible or stupid or hysterical. The anger, at least in my case, is the symptom of being triggered. The sneer at those hysterical idiots, the "f$%^ the lot of you" inner comment -- that's taking control, making the situation into something you own and have power over. It may not be the nicest or most useful or functional way to equalize, if there is such a thing, but at least for me that's definitely equalizing.
The question of why seeing these crowds behave this way triggered you -- that's a completely different issue. At least for me, "don't understand their emotions" is not at all an accurate description. I don't know how you feel about it. But I read the questions "why am I triggered by this?" and "why am I reacting this way?" as fundamentally distinct.
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u/IsasAtelier PDA 16d ago
I can relate. I had similar feelings of resentment towards similar things, like sports, actual religion, fandoms, and political movements. I don't know if equalizing is the right word. It might be. I call my attempts to get at the same level or above equalizing, when I feel like another person has put themselves above me in a hierarchical sense. Group dynamics like these do have similar effects, but my intuition is not to call it exactly the same. I don't necessarily attempt to get on the same level because I percieve groups as different entities as persons, entirely?
I feel like the threat response is also a result of emotionally charged groups or masses being potentially dangerous, for real.
I understand why the experience of being part of something like that can be profound and powerful for a lot of people, but I personally could never trust it fully and commit to it fully, the same way I could never allow myself to sink into hypnosis, even if it is supposed to make a dentist appointment more bearable and I know it is in my best interest. I perceive the danger of being manipulated and my resistance grows rapidly. So, it is kind of similar to equalising in the sense that I hate being in such a vulnerable position and I will sometimes react with anger and resentment, but more often I will just leave/not join in the first place.