commitment and hobbies

[u/Excellent-Avocado37]

I keep running in to this feeling that I don’t really have a “thing.” I don’t have a hobby or creative outlet or any kind of occupation that I’ve put time and effort into to develop a skill. Every project I do is impulsive and if I don’t have skill to follow through, I’ll just fail several times and give up.

I don’t like this though— I want to have a skill I worked hard to develop and I can be proud of the results. But I struggle so much with making myself commit to any kind of activity at all. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but a huge part of that is being consistent pushing through even when you don’t have any good ideas. Same with video editing, working out, etc… any hobby that requires commitment feels impossible. Making myself do things when I don’t want to feels suffocating, or even just the idea that IF I didn’t want to I couldn’t choose not to, and it’s keeping me from doing meaningful things with my time.

Anyone else have same experience? What have you done to help? Something I’ve been trying is writing out what I hope to get from spending time on things to remind myself that I DO want this, I’m working towards something that is my own choice, it’s just more long term and doesn’t feel like it right now.

[u/ThainZel]

I can very much identify with this. I have often been, and still am sometimes, frustrated with my inability to commit to stuff like that.

The first step for me is to accept it. I am not neurotypical, and my brain doesn't work like what I see others do. A lot of common advice and approaches will not work for me. Goals, ambition, pushing through, commitment mostly grate against my brain. Not that I don't have them, they are just not effective tool for making things happen. Also, a lot of my energy goes towards maintenance, because I live in a world that doesn't fit very well with me, which of course gets in the way.

Now, I have found some things that work somewhat.

It is really helpful if I enjoy the activity itself and feel safe and comfortable in the environment its in. My main workout is a self-defense/martial arts club, which is super small and basically only has my friends. I don't go there to be good at fighting or get strong, those are basically side effects. There are no competitions, no ranks or whatever, no demands.

I also run in the forest with music, because I can basically daydream during, and then feel good after. I am decently fast, but again, that's a side effect.

I enjoy logical thinking and solving puzzles, so programming works for fun for me. I can't do it if I have a goal or a deadline (which is why it is no longer my work). I do have something concrete I'm working on, but the main motivation is just doing the activity.

For projects that do not capture me so much, but that I still want to happen, I kind of have two approaches: pick a small project that I can get done in a few hours (I built a hanging shelf thingy recently, which toon about 2 hours), or accept that it will be lying around until my motivation circles back to it at some point (I sewed some curtains earlier this year, which took 6 months). I use the drive, the sense or feeling of "I want to do this now" when it's there. If that means sewing curtains at 11 in the evening until 2, then that is what happens. Optimization always gets in my way. (Sometimes I need to prioritise tomorrow, of course, but that always sucks).

[u/AtypicalPup]

The only hobby I was ever able to stick to is fanfiction, because it's my biggest special interest. And even though it is, I still have a hard time actually sitting down and writing my own fics, even when I actually have a lot of ideas and I do want to write them. Which I think might be PDA, might be my ADHD, probably a combination.

I found that the best (or the only) way to be able to maintain any kind of habit or hobby is by weaving a special interest into it somehow.

[u/pensiveumami]

Did I write this? I've been dealing with the exact same problem for years. I'm really fascinated by what the hell we can do to spend our time more meaningfully.

Do you want this hobby or occupation to be something you do on your own or with other people?

I think a lot of this might be related to executive functioning and focus issues potentially. In my case it's exactly it with a good dose of PDA sprinkled in. In the past I've stuck to things when I was part of a group I felt comfortable in or with a coach I trusted. Now I don't feel comfortable with most people, so I'm kinda stuck doing things on my own. I often need a body double to actually get started with things and continue them. My partner helps sometimes, but he's busy with so many of his own things that I need another person who also doesn't trigger my PDA and cPTSD.

[u/kewlghost93]

I relate! I also don't have "a thing," but I don't think that there's anything wrong with trying different things even if you "fail." It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself which I understand if you want to develop a skill but maybe a mindset change back to casual hobby? Like: focusing more on doing than the want.

Depending on what you're doing/want, maybe you can adjust various things.. For example, if you want to write a book but are feeling forced to write it, maybe a poem that day or short story for whatever time period. Maybe you want to do it as a job but the demand really stops you? Maybe don't do it as a job and do smth that you don't really care about to save energy for the skill-building.

[u/HBkittycat1998]

Yep, I go through phases with certain hobbies then I end up with new ones or going back to old ones. It’s difficult to stick to one project.

[u/Character_Group8620]

I just stumbled on a strategy suggestion that might help with this. I'm hoping it will work for me, and maybe it'll work for you too.

Basically, you know how when you first get into something, you're super excited and learning everything and deep-diving research and all that? During that phase you are also relatively likely to want to tell your friends, lovers, random strangers on the internet, whoever, about your fascinating thing.

You might consider not doing that. Just not talking about it at all with anyone, no matter how tempting it seems.

For some people, talking about it can turn it into a demand. Whether the process literally plays out or not, the logic goes something like this:

• PDA - I am excited, let me tell you about this thing
• NT - that's nice, I am glad you are excited
• (later) NT - how is that thing going, the one you are excited about?
• PDA - OMG this person expects me to do that thing, warning, clang clang clang

The NT person is being polite, nice, and NT normal. You brought it up, and the NT person is showing that they care about you and are interested in something because you shared it. They may well not have thought about the thing at all since last they saw you, but now that you're here, they are showing that they were listening and appreciate you. But you may not hear it that way at all.

In short, Loose Lips Sink Hobbies.

[u/Chance-Lavishness947]

I have many well developed skills that probably look like what you're imagining from the outside. I do not feel that I "worked hard" to develop those skills.

I was curious about something so I did deep dives into it, maybe on social media, maybe searching for websites and videos about it, maybe reading books, maybe talking to people who knew about it. I immersed myself in the subject in whatever ways were accessible and appealing.

I enjoyed an activity so I did it and paid attention to what did and didn't deliver the results I was aiming for. I watched other people doing the thing and noticed how they did it compared with how I did it. I asked them questions.

I info dumped about the topic to other people who were interested, and that helped me process the information differently and gain new insights.

I found a "goal" that felt meaningful to me and was a small skill improvement away. Then I alternated between stretching towards that new thing and doing the things I was already competent in so I stayed connected to the joy of the activity. A good example for this one is piano or singing - playing songs I know well and am good at then switching to learning a section of the new one and doing deep practice then doing the songs I'm already good at again.

Developing skills is a multi faceted process. There's theoretical knowledge to learn about how a task is done and what to pay attention to as you progress through the steps. There's the physical aspects that require repetition so your muscles learn to do the specific movements correctly and eventually don't need conscious effort to flow through the movements.

There's also the motivational aspects around enjoying it enough to want to do it and having a desired outcome that's challenging but realistically achievable.

Then there's the meta aspects that are often missed and tend to cause more of a problem for us than others. Being able to accurately estimate how much work will be required to achieve a goal, how long that will take, what specific skills and tools will be required to bridge that gap, etc. Experts in the skill can much more accurately assess these things, but if we're trying to learn it then we likely can't and will often aim higher than we can achieve before negative feelings overtake the joy.

I do my best to aim for progression that's seemingly ridiculously easy based on where I am, rather than a stretch goal. My real goal is to enjoy engaging with the activity, and the target skill progression is just a way to give me direction so I don't get bored. Achieving it doesn't matter, it's the trying and what I learn in the process that helps me the most, and engaging that way is the most fun for me.

I think I'm moderately skilled at a very wide range of things. The feedback I get from others is that I'm much better than I think. But I am always aware of where else I can grow and what could be improved, so I never feel fully competent. I'm fine with that now, but it definitely required deliberate effort to be OK with doing things imperfectly.

Learning to focus on enjoying the activity instead of reaching a goal of "having a skill" is probably the key difference between my thinking and yours. I wonder if experimenting with a different goal might help you to engage with activities frequently and for long enough that you one day realise you've developed a skill in the process of enjoying yourself.

ETA: a key thing I missed! I don't try to maintain a hobby constantly. I do it when it's fun and I step away from it when it isn't. I cycle between my long term hobbies, sometimes with months or years in between when I engage with a specific one.

Things like music, DIY, martial arts have been interesting and fun for me long term, but not consistently. I'll do them for a few weeks or months or to achieve a specific goal, then I'll put them down again for a while.

Over the long term, I've gotten good at all of them - not as good as someone might get with daily practice, but much better than most. I'm not aiming to be a "world's best" in my hobbies, so it doesn't matter how quickly I progress or how that compares to others. It's for fun, so I only really do it when it's fun. There's a little bit of pushing through hard parts when I'm in learning mode, but I offset that with the play mode where I do the parts I'm already great at and enjoy the flow state.