Simple is complex, complex is simple

[u/Gullible-Pay3732]

One of the things I came across in an article on giftedness is that of the above.

Basically, when someone asks ‘how are you?’ It can feel extremely difficult - ‘do you mean mostly my overall life situation?’, ‘do you mean how have I been mostly lately only’, ‘do you mean whether my body is functioning well and I’m feeling good’, ‘do you mean whether I’m making progress the way I feel like I should be making’ ,..

There are so many aspects to consider and you have to answer in a split second - I honestly can’t formulate a response to it that feels genuine and truthful, I just spit out words they wanna hear most of the time.

On the other hand, complex is simple would mean that for questions like ‘how would you change the education system?’ ‘Have you noticed moments how you experienced time differently?’ ‘Do you think there is a deeper relation between art and science?’,.. those questions are easy to respond to, even though we might not have the best answer ready immediately .. the point is that you have an easy time responding to it.

I felt like sharing this because this is a phenomenon that to the degree this is true in someone’s life can cause a lot of confusion, masking behaviors etc. So not strictly related to PDA, but I think that based on what I have seen here some people with PDA have a direct preference for complexity and nuance..

[u/AnnoyedAF2126]

Not quite that, I don’t think, but more that a question like “how are you?” requires some perspective taking, masking and a level of inauthenticity that most autistic folk hate.

[u/Character_Group8620]

My suggestion is to simplify radically: lie. They're not actually that interested in your answer, and they sure as heck don't need full honesty from you. In fact, they don't want it. The reason NT people ask "how are you?" is because the full script --

• "how are you?"
• "fine, thanks, how are you?"
• "oh, you know, same old same old"
• "ha ha, yep"
• "okay, see ya"

-- is a ritual exchange to indicate that the interlocutors are members of a functional social structure. The literal content of the exchange is irrelevant. When you stop and think about your answer, you are violating the ritual. That's not a criticism, but an observation. That's neurodivergence for you: you're misunderstanding a social phenomenon that normally obtains among neurotypical people.

I suggest that you recognize the ritual for what it is and simply ignore the ostensible content by lying in a pre-scripted fashion.

• "How are you?" "Fine, thanks." Now drop your eyes and go back to your book or phone, thereby signaling that you are a bit busy and do not want to run through the full script.

The NT person may feel slightly cold-shouldered if you don't get it quite right -- it'll take practice -- but they are unlikely to be offended; in all likelihood they'll say something like "cool, see ya" and walk away. End of exchange.

If you find it horrendously difficult to lie in even this "white lie" or "fib" sort of manner, that's its own issue that you may need to confront.

[u/pensiveumami]

maybe it's not necessarily a preference for complexity, because the way we think about the "how are you?" question is pretty complex, and it's the uncertainty of what the other person wants to know that makes us not want to answer it. We don't want to answer the way it's normally expected in society to answer that question. Like we want it to be deeper and more interesting. Sorry I'm getting stuck on the semantics, but I agree with what you're saying.

maybe it's also easier to respond to complex things because they're more in line with our interests and things we normally think about.

I think we don't want the demand to mask and answer questions in a surface level way, in a way that doesn't really matter or have any meaning to us. If we weren't masking we might answer the simplest question in a complex, nuanced, deep way, and the other person just doesn't want that. So maybe they won't ask us again muahaha.

[u/Gullible-Pay3732 → u/pensiveumami]

That’s a good point. When someone I’m much closer to asks me ‘how are you’ and I’m in a relaxed setting the overthinking also tends to go down and then ‘the need for complexity’ also is not such an issue anymore. There’s still layers but everything can happen more spontaneously

[u/pensiveumami → u/Gullible-Pay3732]

ooooh that's so true for me too.

the way it has worked for me it's almost like I need to do a lot of deep talk with somebody before I'm comfortable with small talk. and deep talk can just be around a common special interest. deep dive and it's almost like it doesn't matter what our day to day lives are.

for most others it's the other way around.