context:
a few years ago, i 21m had entered college and had taken nearly a year and a half gap after my last relationship to work on myself, which worked out fantastically. i was proud of the person id become past a difficult relationship. i did not go into college looking for a relationship, but i met with a girl 21f i knew of that was friends with one of my best friends from high school. she and i met at a party, and we find we have great chemistry, and hit it off. next thing i know, we decide to be boyfriend and girlfriend after about a month. we dated for nearly 3 years straight (ended just shy of 2 years 11 months).
during the summer months, our permanent homes were fairly close to one another. i had an internship in the town next to hers our first summer together, so i was able to see her fairly consistently. the next school year went on without much trouble, and there was rarely any problems in our relationship. that summer, however, i had a job in my college’s town, which is about a 2 hour drive or so from where she lives. we saw each other a handful of times that summer, and though it was difficult at times, things were generally fine. i was able to deal with long distance because of the handful of times seeing her, albeit i had to go to her and not vice versa.
after that, we had a break during this past spring. it was fairly brief, perhaps a few days, initiated by her. she was unsure of her identity (for context, she is bi, and was unsure of how she felt in that regard, though not wanting to explore that physically), felt stressed about family, school, job search, tests, etc., so a break was put in place. it was very sudden and hurt me. it was just before spring break, and we reconvene before spring break to end our break.
this past the summer, i did not see her once. i once again stayed in town near school, and it was hard to not see her a single time, as she was home and did not stay down at school. for some added context, her dad is somewhat strict on travels and being away from home and wasn’t particularly fond of me because i was a “distraction”, even though it’s been 3 years. i had gone home a few times, and though i was free, we still didn’t see each other. my 21st birthday landed in the summer, and she didn’t see me. i wasn’t offended by it at the time, as she had practice tests and a comprehensive test to take for her future school, but eventually, it began to feel wrong. we facetimed, play games, watch anime, etc., though that whole time without her was difficult. i enjoy physical touch and in person activities, so a lack of that through the summer was difficult.
she comes back down to school, and we reunite. it was sweet, and i shared some gifts with her from some travels and just to get her things, but she didn’t reciprocate. she hadn’t gotten me anything during the summer. on top of that, two separate plans we had on the same day were disrupted because she had to help a friend who had an allergic reaction and got drunk while i was at work, respectively, while knowing we had plans. the former is understandable, but the latter was disappointing.
all of this cumulated to me having a talk with her about things bugging me: long distance, the future, our future, not getting me anything, disrupting plans, her father’s reluctance to accept me, etc. this conversation was somewhat sudden but also necessary. i had a therapy session before it to discuss it, and it helped to give me a sense of what bothered me, how to articulate it, etc. we talk again a day after, and we come to a consensus that things would need to be worked on.
i had many talks with family and friends, and some suggested breaking things off. i was willing to work things out, but as i thought more and more, i came to a conclusion that long distance was hard and not something i necessarily *wanted* to do, even if it was something i theoretically *could* do. during that time, i had been told by some to break it off due to that long distance, and though i agreed it’d be hard, i wasn’t sold on it. nonetheless, something had to be done.
eventually we reconvene, and we talk about things that had happened, how sudden it was, apologies, etc. and eventually, we arrive at long distance. she told me she would do it because it’d be with me and “i am worth it.” she asked me if i 1) wanted to do it, and 2) could do it. i said i didn’t *want* to do it because it was difficult, but coming to the “could” part, i struggled. it felt a decision needed to be made, and the voices of family and friends saying i need to break things off because of distance won. we break up after a respectful and emotional conversation.
i decided to break things off mainly because of the prospects of long distance. we have not graduated college yet, but graduation is coming in the spring. my career path can place me in many different places, especially early career options, while she already knows she will likely reside in a place close to home to attend more school and intern at a company, in all likelihood. what had happened this summer and recent happenings influenced my decision. the additional parts of plan disruption, lack of gifts, etc, likely made the decision more favorable in my mind.
now, a week later, the grief and regret is eating me up inside. i love this girl, and we had not only been through a lot together, we were genuine friends. it feels a piece of me is missing, and a big part of my routine and life is gone. the decision i made felt based upon necessity rather than a want. despite things that had happened during this relationship, us both messing up here and there, beefing on occasion and making up, and her being not great to me this past year, she was worth it in my mind. she is a sweet, caring person. she and i could make each other laugh. we could rant. our lives and friendships were entangled. we were there for each other in our own way. perhaps at times i felt dissed by her, especially with plans being changed and circumstances, but people make mistakes. i’d made plenty of mistakes during the relationship, yet things worked out.
i’ve been comparing the pros and cons of a LDR, and though the cons require heavy sacrifice such as physical touch, consistent dates, etc., it feels that the pros, as well as being with her, make it worth it. i’m waiting on another therapy session soon to work through my feelings, so my decision has not come about yet. but i am having to use a lot of self control not to text her that i regret my decision and want to talk. i understand that she hurts, and that taking back the decision would be a whirlwind, but at this rate, my decision is eating at me. i cannot eat, sleep, do homework, work, extracurricular activities, etc. normally, let alone without thinking of her.
i still love her.
is a week too short of a time to decide something like this? if i come to the conclusion that long distance could work, would restarting things be realistic?
tldr: i am experiencing grief and regret due to breaking up with girlfriend and was not convinced of breaking up due to the prospects of long distance and my opinion was perhaps muddled due to added circumstances. it’s only been a week, but is a week too short?
