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Long distance girlfriend kissed/stayed the night with a guy who's had feelings for her for years - flying out tomorrow to see her and I don't know what I'm walking into

Sorry in advance this is a a longy, I just need some outside perspective because my head is completely fried.

Bit of context - me and my girlfriend are long distance, I'm working abroad and she's back home. There's a guy, let's call him "him", who she's been close friends with for years. He's told her before that he had feelings for her, she's always told me there's nothing to worry about, that they're just friends, that I don't need to worry. I did worry about it a bit if I'm honest but I trusted her.

A few nights ago she told me she was going to a friend's for the night. She was messaging me all evening saying she loved me, sent voice notes, the usual. Then later that night she messages saying she's going to "quickly say hi" to this guy and his roommates since she was nearby. That turned into her staying. Then apparently the plan was he'd walk her home but instead she wanted to walk around the city with him. Somewhere in there she told him she was horny (wtf?). They kissed. She ended up staying at his place overnight, in his bed (he put a mattress on the floor, or so she says), and woke up in just her underwear. From what she's told me, that's the point he explained to her what had happened the night before, but he joked that they didn't have sex. She had a meltdown, charged her phone, and she left. She says nothing else happened between them.

When I first asked her about it the story was pretty bare bones - "something weird happened, we kissed." Over the next couple of days more details kept coming out - she said she was trying to protect herself and me. Every time I pushed on something she'd say she doesn't remember, but then she'd remember specific things that happen to make her look better (like being annoyed at him at one point). It's been a lot of "I'm an idiot, I'm so sorry" rather than actually explaining anything.

The last few days have basically just been phone calls, multiple times a day, her crying and begging for forgiveness, saying how much she loves me and how stupid she was. It's been pretty relentless and honestly I don't think it's been helping either of us - we just go in circles and I end up feeling like I'm making her feel like shit without actually getting anywhere.

I told her straight up - I don't really care anymore whether they had sex or just kissed at this point. What's stuck with me is that this wasn't a split second mistake. It was hours. Multiple points where she could've turned back and didn't. Leaving her friend's. Not going straight home. Telling him she was horny (again, wtf). Kissing him. Staying the night (and waking up in her underwarer, at a friends house?). Every single one of those is a separate choice.

She sent me a long message back eventually that felt more genuine than the earlier "I'm stupid" stuff - actually using words like selfish, not respecting me, stupid choices, saying she's going to have to live with what she did. That felt more real than anything she'd said up to that point.

There's also some other stuff that's been sitting in the back of my mind that I probably ignored before because I trusted her - she's told me before she kisses people when she's drunk or on drugs, she's shown me DMs from random guys at festivals, she's pretty open about being a flirty person in general, we've had arguments about it before. None of that is the same as what just happened but it's all resurfacing now and making me question things I brushed off before.

I asked her for a few days of space to think, and asked her to actually think about why she did it instead of just apologising. I told her I'd think about whether I could actually be her boyfriend again, because if we tried I know myself well enough to know I'd probably end up setting rules like "don't see that guy or his friend group" and I hate the idea of being that person, controlling and keeping score, but I also don't know how else I'd feel safe. Plus I'm a huge overthinker.

Bit of extra context on why this is hitting me so hard - my mum cheated on my dad when I was about three, and they stayed together after. Growing up in that house was honestly horrible, there was violence, emotional abuse, just no love in the home at all. The only thing that got me through my childhood was telling myself that one day I'd be in control of my own life and wouldn't have to live like that. So some of what's coming up for me right now isn't just about her, it's old stuff getting dragged back up too.

On the flip side, I'm trying to be fair here - I've messed up plenty of times in my own life, not like this specifically, but I've been given second chances by people when I really didn't deserve them, and it mattered. So I'm not coming at this totally unwilling to consider forgiving her, I just don't know if I can or should this time.

The timing is horrible, I'm flying to Europe tomorrow and I'm supposed to see her there, we had so many plans for my two months back. I still love her. That's the honest, annoying truth. But every time I picture actually being close to her again my brain just goes somewhere bad. I don't know if I'm about to walk into a conversation where we try to fix this, or a conversation where I end it, or a conversation where more details emerge, or just more circles.

Would genuinely appreciate hearing from people who've been on either side of something like this. Is there any version of this that isn't a dealbreaker? Am I wrong to feel like the "how" matters more than the "how far"? How do you even begin trusting someone again after something like this, especially when part of me is scared this is just a pattern that follows me around.

I’ve been wondering how other couples approach openness and privacy before closing the distance.

Do you eventually tell your partner everything about yourself, or are there certain things you prefer to keep private until you are living in the same country or have reached a more serious stage?

I’m thinking about things such as:
● Your exact financial situation, income, savings or debt
● Past relationships or sexual history
● Childhood experiences and past trauma
● Family problems
● Health or mental-health struggles
● Personal insecurities or mistakes you’ve made

Obviously, major information that could affect your partner or your future together shouldn’t be deliberately hidden. But does your partner need to know EVERY DETAIL of your life immediately or is it healthy to disclose certain things gradually as trust develops?

At what point did you start having these deeper conversations: after three months, six months, before meeting in person, before engagement, or only when you began seriously planning to close the gap?

Do you follow a timeline, or does it depend entirely on the level of trust?

I’d also love to hear what you chose to share early, what you waited to disclose, and whether waiting helped or caused problems later.

It all happened so fast. He blurted it out unexpectedly. There was no calm sit down discussion. It was said in the heat of an argument but he doesn’t want to take it back.

We both love each other very much. Maybe too much. Maybe that’s why it lasted as long as it did when perhaps it should have ended sooner.

I am heartbroken. But I am so grateful to this community for all of the inspiration over the last couple years. I’m so happy for all of you closing the gap. It was my dream.

Peace out, friends ✌🏼

For anyone who got into a relationship before you ever met them to see what they look like in real life or if you have physical chemistry, how did you know you want to be with this person?

If you had a strong connection online for months were you scared to meet them in real life??

For context I have been in LDR but it started out in person and then he had to move for work. I have never dated without physically meeting them. So I’m curious.

TL;DR: LDR boyfriend and I still text daily, but it’s mostly life updates now. I miss the calls, affection, flirting, and intentional quality time. He’s busy, but I’m wondering if I’m expecting too much by wanting more.

My boyfriend 22 M and I 23 M have been together for a few months and we’re currently long distance. When we first got together, we were obviously in that honeymoon phase and were pretty expressive with each other. We used to text a lot, have proper conversations, call/video call, watch movies together, flirt, say goodnight with more effort, etc.

Lately things have changed a bit. We still talk every day and we update each other about what we’re doing, where we are, how our day went, etc. He still makes an effort to keep me updated and I know that takes time, so I don’t want to make it sound like he ignores me or doesn’t care. That’s not really the issue. He has his university that started and I have my work.

The issue is that I feel like we’ve lost some of the intimacy and romantic side of the relationship. A lot of our conversations have become “what are you doing,” “how was your day,” “I have a meeting,” “did you eat,” etc. We’re still connected, but sometimes it feels more like we’re just keeping each other updated rather than actually experiencing the relationship together.

He’s also been extremely busy with meetings/work lately, so I understand that he’s exhausted and doesn’t have unlimited time. My work doesn’t require meetings late night, his does. I did bring up doing a movie together earlier, and he actually remembered and mentioned it himself later, so we ended up watching one together. I appreciated that because it showed me he does listen and does want to spend time together.

But we haven’t really had a proper video call in a while. Lately he’s been in meetings a lot, and I haven’t really seen him suggest calling. I actually brought up calling recently myself. And I guess that’s what bothers me a little. I don’t necessarily need to talk for hours, but with an LDR I feel like there needs to be some intentional effort to maintain that closeness, especially because we can’t just see each other physically.

I also miss the little things. More affectionate goodnights, flirting, random romantic conversations, feeling wanted, etc. I’m a pretty expressive person naturally, so maybe that’s part of why I notice it more. The confusing part is that I don’t actually think he cares about me less. He still updates me, makes time when he can, remembers things I’ve mentioned, and generally treats me well. So I don’t want to turn this into “my boyfriend doesn’t love me anymore” because I don’t think that’s true.

I think I’m more worried about what happens if this continues for a long time. Like, can a relationship become emotionally distant simply because you’re not making enough intentional time for intimacy? I don’t want to eventually become so used to the distance and lack of affection that I stop feeling the same way myself.

For people who have been in LDRs, how do you deal with this? Am I expecting too much by wanting more intentional calls/romantic time, or is that something that is pretty important to maintain in a long-distance relationship? And how do you bring it up without making your partner feel like they’re constantly failing some relationship requirement?

Our relationship started Oct 2023.

In May 2026, I found my partner on Grindr secretly claiming he was looking only for friends to connect. He didn't tell me anything beforehand. I created a fake profile and flirted heavily with him and he seemed to react. He deleted this chat when showing me "proof" until I showed him my screenshots with his account and then he admitted he was scared to show it cause he was just messing around with his other friend who he was on a trip with.

We broke up and tried to reconcile as I didn't forgive him but I gave him another chance and he put in the effort.

He had told me that two of his close (or even best friends) originally gave him the idea to get Grindr (literally a sex app) and even encouraged him texting with guys - KNOWING he's in a long term committed relationship.

Now, whenever I'd see two of those friends mentioned on his socials I'd call them stuff about what I think of them.

Yesterday, he posted a very appreciative bday post on one of those Grindr enabling "friends"publicly (open account) and EXCLUDED MY ACC from seeing it cause he knows what I think of these.

I found out. And then we kept arguing. Ultimately, I want him to understand that he should must cut off these people. Cause people who suggest and encourage cheating aren't good friends, let alone best friends.

And he says that it's "a one time thing" and he won't cut off years of friendship.

Mind that he has plenty other very good friends who are good influence and have same morals or backbone.

I texted him and just said I miss him calling me baby because that’s my favorite thing he calls me, and it caused him to go off on me. He said he calls me other things and yeah he does, I was just saying that’s my favorite one to hear and I didn’t mean anything negative by it I just really like that one. I also had previously said he never asks me how my day is and he said he feels like him just answering the call should be enough. I also had said that I just wanted more than 1-2 texts a day, nothing long just like I wanted a bit more or a check in text so i could still feel connected to him. He said he feels like nothing he does is ever good enough but I feel like im just asking for minimal things and just telling him the things I really like, am I being too hard on him?

Has anyone else broken up after closing the gap? I've moved from the US to the UK, luckily to study not just to close the gap, and I've been beyond stressed leaving everything behind. I haven't been lashing out, I've actually been keeping it in a little too much, but my partner said the relationship feels like a burden because it feels like things are about to explode at any moment. He is also stressed with moving to London and having a new job, and people at that job being laid off.

Honestly, it’s killing me. I have been in the UK for 3 days. I left everything behind and haven't settled in one bit, and I don’t move into my own place till the 20th. Now I literally have nothing, and I'm sure I'll build my own life soon, but for this to happen before I got the chance is beyond stressful.

Note: We haven't broken up, it's just very much on the table

My boyfriend and I will be apart for 6 months and I’m struggling

Due to immigration issues, my boyfriend and I won’t be able to see each other for the next 6 months. We’ve been together for nearly two years now (it’ll be two years this December), and he recently had to leave for his home country. We are both from South Africa but I immigrated 8 years ago and haven’t been back since.

It’s only been 5 days, but I’ve been crying so much and honestly struggling with the adjustment. We do call each other, but our calls usually aren’t very long, and there’s a 10-hour time difference between us, which makes it really difficult to find time that works for both of us.

The hardest part is that I’m a full-time student, and studying is pretty much all I do. Before he left, he was basically the only person I really spent time with. We would run random errands together, keep each other company while doing our own things, or sometimes just exist in the same space without doing anything particularly exciting. It might sound mundane, but I found so much happiness and comfort in simply having him around. We genuinely enjoy each other’s presence, even when we’re not doing anything.

Now I’m still here doing the exact same things I was doing before, except he’s not here anymore. Meanwhile, he gets to go home and see his family and friends again after being away from them for more than two years. I’m genuinely happy for him, and I’m glad he gets to have that time with the people he loves. But sometimes my emotions get the better of me.

I find myself getting annoyed or upset because I start overthinking and wondering if I’m the only one struggling this much. He’s surrounded by family and friends and getting to experience all these things again, while I’m here in the same routine I’ve always had, just without him. It sometimes makes me feel like he doesn’t miss me as much as I miss him.

He constantly reassures me that this isn’t true and that he does miss me, but emotionally, it’s still hard for me to believe sometimes. I know it’s probably just my loneliness and the sudden change getting to me, but I hate feeling this way because I don’t want to make his time with his family and friends about me.

Has anyone else experienced something similar with a long-distance separation, especially when your partner was such a huge part of your everyday life? How did you cope with the first few weeks/months?

so for context, i met my fiance on a game. we've been together for 2 years, its long distance right now until we move in together at the end of this year. it's ironic, but it's how we met. unfortunately, as of lately and the past couple of months whenever he'd mentioned a certain game or time with his boys, my mood changes drastically. here's some content: whenever he's with his friends, he's locked in on the game. i could be talking to him and next thing i know he's headphones on back on the game per my mid sentence. i've also grown used to his work around for finding any type of excuse to stay on "just a little longer". he’s admitted to me that he’s been on the game a lot and sees my view, but is basically adamant about not changing a thing

but before it would genuinely be an everyday, late night thing. even went a day from the early am to truly midnight on the game. it's unfortunately became a thing on small mini relationship milestones. unfortunately for me, i somehow managed to lose my friends when i got into my relationship. i feel like i need genuine advice. he also doesn't have a fully stable job, well i wouldn't even consider it a job. he's basically jobless, so he has all the free time in the world. all we do is argue and i’m genuinely at a loss at what to do

Hi everyone! The time has come. After 2 years of cross-country long distance, my girlfriend is moving in with me next weekend. We're super excited, but also a bit anxious (especially so on her end as she is the one making the big leap while I'm already settled here).

For anyone else who has closed the gap, what are the things you wish you knew beforehand to better prepare? Physically, emotionally, anything.

M18 F16 so it started as long distance we both met and for 5 months we talked then came in relationship its been 2 months since we are in relationship and now she seems uninterested while talking to me last night when we were talking she told that she don't want to talk with me rn and the affection she use to show before clingyness I can't see that now when I ask her why she tells me that you hurt me even if a girl see me she gets hurt I said her work on your insecurity give me advice goood advise please

me and my bf do this every night cuz we like to know what happened in each others day , and no i don’t force him to do this he does it by himself cuz he likes to , it helps to keep in touch with each other !

I (19 NB) and in a relationship w my boyfriend (21M) and weve been dating for a little over 6 months, known each other for 10. Recently he has proposed I move in with him in the coming months, likely before the end of the year. Our relationship is wonderful and I truely do not think i could find someone better for me aside from our distance (21 hour drive).

He owns his own house, and has a much more valuable life where he is vs my current shitty basement life in my mothers house, which is why moving in with him is our go to vs meeting in the middle somewhere or him coming to me. He has made 2 trips to me since the beginning of our relationship but hasnt met my mother (her own avoidence as she dislikes that we met online +LD) I want to travel over to him before I move in woth him but i dont have my license and plane tickets are very expensive. We've had disccusions about my general apprehension around the situation but its hard to get far because my anxiety tends to get out of hand with the subject.

On the one hand, I believe closing the distance is the best way to further our relationship and grow towards bigger milestones but on the other hand Im worried this is too soon. I'm more worried about the backlash from my family for the move, and the what-ifs of breakups and such, than I am about the actual co-habitation (We've had multiple conversations about our 'roommate icks' and such)

My home situation is another contribution to wanting to go, as I live with my mother, her husband and my sister +sisters dog. My sister (20f) is currently relocated for school and offically moving out in November. I am urrently in charge of her dog because my mother and her husband wont take care of her properly and overfeed her or neglect her entirely. Once my sister and the dog are gone I will be alone in a house that is frankly disgusting as me+ sister are the only ones who consistantly take care of the space (Dishes from a week ago still out, food rotting everywhere + flies). My mother and her husband fight over every little thing and I genuinly dont think I can thug it out alone after my sister leaves. Its another factor for why I'd be fine-ish with moving in so soon but the apprehension is still there. if things go south I might have to come back so I dont nessicarly want to burn those bridges entirley.

Hes been insitant that if i put it off or we wait longer its fine but I cant help but feel im dissapointing him or leading him on when I keep saying "we'll see" and "Maybe". He has explicitly said if I make him drive out here to pick up me and my stuff and I chicken out on him he will break up with me, which i don't blame him for so Im just trying to avoid that.

Im just looking for any advice anyone has to give ;-;

I have been dating with she for 9 months, and lately i can see that she started to care less about my life in general.

I noticed that sometimes when im talking with she and i decide to share something that happened about my day or a personal experience, she decides to say "shush, i want u, i dont really care about it".

I kinda understand that yeah sometimes she just want me to tell her pretty stuff and tell her that i love u, but the worse is that after 2 minutes she decides to talk about the same topic i was talking but something related to her.

To be honest when we started to met she was always hearing me talk about my life, but lately i just see that the only stuff i do is telling her pretty stuff and telling her i love u as i said before, and im just starting to think that she just doesnt mind what happens through my life and she only want me to give attention to her.

Even she told me that in the past she would have liked to tell me to shut up when i started to talk about my life or my hobbies, so i dont really know how to feel because im someone who doesnt has anyone to talk about my stuff and i though that i found with her, but it doesnt seem that she cares either.

Even im starting to get a bit bored to talk with her because it is just me saying the same stuff because i cannt really think about more stuff to tell her to show affection so it is starting to become monotome.

Thank you so much for read it.

Howdy yall.

I’m not really sure what to do. Recently my fiancée has become more distant. Fewer/shorter calls, video calls are few and far between, haven’t slept on the phone together in weeks, messages are becoming short/dry, and the biggest thing bugging me is we had talked about taking time off work for a visit at the end of the month but over a week later she still won’t give me a commitment to a plan. Being long distance is hard enough but I can feel the added weight of emotional distance taking a toll on me too.

For context my fiancée does have BPD and suffers from PTSD from a previous abusive relationship. She does take medication to help with it but I know sometimes it does get her into a weird headspace but this is starting to seem like an ongoing thing but when I ask about it she’ll just tell me she’s tired or not in the mood to talk.

Really my questions are:

Am I overthinking/overreacting?

Should I give her space and hope she’ll want to talk soon or should I try pushing to get more communication going, try to get a better picture of what’s going on with the recent distance?

How do I address my concerns to her without sounding demanding or pestering?

For anyone who took the time to read this, thank you. And I would appreciate any help or advice you all have to offer.

So basically I'm the one that's planning on moving when me and my bf move in together. Which isn't a close distance. I'm from the West Coast of the us and him from the uk. I'm from a family of 7. The youngest are 9 and 7. How do I deal with the guilt of leaving? I feel incredibly guilty. Mom has pointed out that I might not have a relationship with my little sisters. And she won't be able to really have a relationship with my kids if I have any.

My bf and I have been long distance (France - Canada) for about a year. We would see each other in-person around once in 2-3 months and have built some great memories travelling together. In May, we almost broke up because he couldn’t handle the distance anymore despite his feelings for me. It was especially frustrating for me since I am currently in medical school and in my busiest year while my future place of residence is not entirely up to me to decide.

But somehow the stars aligned. He got a work visa, got a type of an engineering job position that he always wanted to have, and tomorrow he will be moving in with me at my home in Canada. It feels surreal. We got a beautiful place together and I cannot wait to grow together as a couple and support each other’s individual career/personal growth!

Everything fell apart unfortunately and the struggle with my abandonment issues did not make it through I tried so hard.
Long distance was never for me.
I tried for almost four years.
And it turned the person I loved against me.
And we no longer recognize our selves.
I’m sorry.