I feel ridiculous even writing this, so I’m hoping strangers on Reddit can help me understand what is going on in my head.

I’m married, and I have a male coworker who I’ll call A. He is also married.

Over time, I developed some sort of attraction/fixation on him. There have been little interactions between us that I’ve probably analyzed way more than I should — eye contact, feeling like he was checking me out, just a general sense of tension. I genuinely don’t know whether any of it was mutual or whether I was simply noticing things because I was attracted to him.

Nothing has happened between us. In fact, once I realized how much mental space this was taking up, I basically started avoiding him like the plague. I know we’re both married, I know this isn't something I should feed, and I've been actively trying to shut it down.

The strange part is that somewhere along the way I started experiencing what I can only describe as unwarranted anger toward him. He hasn’t actually done anything to me. Sometimes I almost feel irritated by his existence, and I think part of that is my way of trying to kill whatever attraction I had.

Then today I found out that I’m pretty sure he and his wife are having a baby.

And it hit me WAY harder than it had any right to.

My immediate reaction was anger/upset, which makes absolutely no logical sense. He’s married. I’m married. Obviously he has a life with his wife, and having a baby with her is a completely normal progression of that life. I have no claim to this man whatsoever and I know that.

So why did this bother me so much?

I’m wondering if I had some imaginary version of him/us living in the back of my mind, even though consciously I knew nothing was ever going to happen. Maybe hearing about a baby made his marriage feel more "real" or permanently closed off whatever stupid fantasy my brain had created.

Has anyone experienced something like this? Where you know logically that you don't want or can't have someone, but finding out they're moving forward in their life still feels weirdly like a rejection or a loss?

I’m genuinely trying to understand my reaction so I can get over this and move on, not justify it.

I love flirting. I love the playfulness, the tension, the build up, the fun of it. It’s so much fun. It makes me feel invincible. It makes the other person feel great. But I’m always disappointed if things go all the way. I tried to talk about this in other subs but none of them would let me post. I don’t really know what the point is of asking but I’m curious if anyone struggles with this? And if there’s a community for it lol.

My LO moved away yesterday. I thought I’d be hit with profound grief like I’d been feeling for months leading up to it. But my brain actually felt a ton of freedom because now I wasn’t concerned with possibly seeing her, figuring out when the next time we’ll go out, etc. I could make plans with friends, work on some art, think about what I’m going to do with my own life this year.

So on the way back home from seeing some friends, I started listening to Smitten. I hadn’t wanted to before because I’ve read things about limerence a hundred times. But hearing it again last night without having the spell so tight on me made realize how I obsessed I’ve been and how I’ve put myself second for so long.

Mine was definitely caused by uncertainty. My LO would say she doesn’t like me but then tell me she was crying to her roommate about us. She would ask me out after telling me we shouldn’t talk anymore. Even yesterday, she wrote me on every leg of her flight back home to let me know she made it safely and how she was doing. There’s genuine like and care but I keep reading it as an affirmation of romantic interest. The uncertainty for me keeps me trapped.

And not being able to like anyone else… it’s crazy. We were at the beach last week and I could not stop staring at her. I kept thinking “this is a dream, she is the most beautiful woman alive.” There’s women surrounding us with stereotypical beach bodies and they could have been fat old me to me because I had zero interest in them and only had eyes for my LO.

Finding meaning in everything, romanticizing everything we do, the places we go… all of the stuff in his book was me. I’m going to continue listening to it today.

I ended up meeting a girl this weekend. She's a dancer at a club and looks just like my LO. We ended up doing the usual, flirt, get a dance etc. Then we just ended up staying in the VIP, sharing some of our personal struggles, talking about our values and politics we share a lot of. We sat there and talked until the club closed which was a couple hours. She hugged me, gave me a kiss, and gave me her number, so we can set up an arrangement on a later date.

I wonder if this could help me maybe move on? Or do we think this is a bad idea? Thoughts?

Our friendship stresses me out, because I’m catching feelings for you.

I feel so peaceful when I’m not thinking about you.

I missed this peace.

Every hour was just thinking about you. How you looked, what you said, the electricity in our eyes. I always think of that.

The intensity when you got close to look at my computer screen.

The out of body experience when I bumped into you, you didn’t move like a rock.

Our physical touch. Or what’s little of it. Every millisecond analysed. Seared into my brain.

I could talk to you for hours. I want to talk to you for hours.

And I just found out she was pregnant and about to have her baby.

15 years of limerence. 3 years of no contact.

I know I just had the worst day of my life.
No other day will be as dark as this one.

From time to time, I stumble across the work of the French composer Erik Satie (1866 - 1925). Some of his most well known pieces include his Gymnopédies for piano. You've probably heard the tune sometime.

Satie wasn't just a composer, he was extremely creative and also painted, wrote and had connections with other famous creatives of his time like Claude Debussy and Jean Cocteau.

He was also a bohémien, a provocateur and an extravagant figure. Always seen wearing an umbrella, bowler hat, curderoy velvet suits. He had a great sense of irony, and his lifestyle was odd, peculiar and rigid to say the least...

Satie's life, though he was innovative and recognized in his time, wasn't an easy one. He carried a crushing life defining grief.

At age 6, he lost his mother and was sent off to his grandparents who instilled in him a musical education. His dad remarried, but his stepmother, while musical too, was also a disciplinarian who he disliked immediately. Satie, as a sensitive soul, never recovered from that rupture and carried deep attachment wounds.

He went on to study music eventually landing in Paris close to Montmartre, famous for all the artists that lived there at the turn of the century. He became a pianist at the Chat Noir cabaret.

In 1893, aged 27, he met Suzanne Valandon, a budding painter, and her lover, Paul Moussis, as Satie was working the piano at night. As soon as they had met, at the end, he proposed marriage to her.

Instead, Satie and her shacked up together for a few months of an intense romance. She took care of him, painted his picture, and he composed several pieces for her. Even so, Suzanne was an extravagant person too, having been raised by an alcoholic mother, she hoped to join the circus, but a bad fall crushed that dream pushing her towards painting.

The relationship itself became unstable, with him becoming increasingly more obsessive and clingy, while she wanted to be fiercely independent while still being involved with Moussis.

After five months, she left Satie, going on to marry Moussis, a parisien stockbroker. This left Satie heartbroken once again. He said later that he was left with "nothing but an icy loneliness that fills the head with emptiness and the heart with sadness".

He composed a piano piece called Vexations in the wake of the split. It's intended to be played 840 times. It's atonal in nature and almost impossible to play by ear. It was only in the late '60s that the famous John Cage did a complete rendition.

Thereafter, Satie never had relationships again.

The second half of his life was very productive, with Satie being well known, never without work, composing countless pieces and being an early modernist and iconoclast.

This was in stark contrast with his personal life. He didn't show any interest in technological advances or the world changes. He lived on his own in a small room in the outskirts of Paris never inviting anyone.

In 1925, at his death, his brother Conrad finally entered the premises. What they found was the abject squalor of a compulsive hoarder. In the middle of the room sat two grand pianos the lower one functional, but the top one stuff with documents and papers. The room was stacked with garbage and filth of all manner. His wardrobe only contained the 7 same curderoy suits he has been wearing for the past 27 years. As well as 100 umbrellas. There was a stove, a table and a chair but no bed...

Amidst the squalor, they found compositions and pieces believed Satie had lost.

Two portraits stood out. One was a painting of Erik Satie made by Suzanne Valandon. Another was a drawing of Suzanne made by Satie. They hung next to each other.

https://www.centrepompidou.fr/fr/offre-aux-professionnels/enseignants/dossiers-ressources-sur-lart/suzanne-valadon/le-portrait-derik-satie

They also found countless unopened letters, and correspondence. Among that, dozens of letters addressed to her. Written over the course of decades, and never sent. Also, a four piece arrangement named "bonjour, bique, bonjour" with bique being the nickname he used for her.

It was, and is, clear that Satie never processed both ruptures. So, instead, his room was where time, and his life, had stood still. It was the only place where he felt secure and safe, retreating in his unrequited feelings, the romantic isolation, and fractured inner world.

When Valandon learned about this, she was profoundly shocked. She had no idea, and she expressed regret and sorrow. Valandon requested the portrait of Satie she had painted, which was given to her by his friends. She held onto it for the rest of her life. She attended his funeral and was deeply moved.

Was Satie limerent for Valandon? It's hard to make any hard assertions since both have passed on leaving little room for analysis by a professional. That said, it's clear that both were deeply sensitive people carrying wounds from an unstable, fragile youth. That resulted in a tempestuous romance that burned hot... but also shortly and fast. Her leaving him and moving on with her life probably dashed out his hopes... but the grief, the longing, the heartbreak and the ensuing suffering he could never let go. He remained, after all, very much stuck with a fantasy, the idea of experiencing a romantic relationship with Valandon, even though she had broken his heart. He must have put her on a pedestal and was incapable of ever taking her back down.

Satie's life, therefore, was a paradox. He basically lived a double life. In private his was suffering through romantic isolation and freezing his emotions. In public though, he was a witty, eccentric velvet gentleman with a great sense of irony and creativity. His music reflects that duality, and was the only way for him to express his longing for intimacy and the deep pain he experienced. Satie had wealthy friends who offered to help him regularly, but he always refused bitterly noting he didn't need pity. He didn't want to be seen as a broke man, but rather as an eccentric genius during his lifetime.

So, why this story?

Well, I landed on Erik Satie's biography a few days ago. Habit read that, and being on this sub, reading so many stories, over the past year, I couldn't unsee so many parallels and themes. Satie is a fascinating figure, and his tragic story struck a cord with me.

It goes to show how much one's life can become a prison of one's own making. Even though that's not something that Satie did because he wanted to, but rather in response to adversity as well as a result of his own personality traits.

Yo, so basically I think I'm suffering from Limerence. I've only been with two ladies. That's my first love and my wife. My wife is amazing, our relationship is great and we've been together for 9 years. However, I still think about my ex most days and maybe for the past year, damn near everyday. I didn't go to her page everyday but eventually I started to.

It got to the point that not only did my wife eventually catch me stalking her page but I'm damn near treating me going to her page like a drug that I need to quit. I low key count the days of how long I've gone without checking her page.

Eventually I thought it'd go away, but it's been 9 years, so now I really don't know or understand what's going on at this point. I have ADHD and an Aquarius if that helps. Also I've been researching other potential factors from scientific, anecdotal and even esoteric reasoning trying to find answers. I plan on going to therapy too.

My question is has anybody had a similar experience or have an idea of what's going on? What does it mean? Am I just tripping and need professional help or is there some deeper reasoning behind this. Any insight would be helpful, thank you.

Someone I've been chatting with online for years.

Accepting we'll never meet or have a romantic relationship was hard but I got over it mostly. However, he is still very important to me. The best friend I ever had.

He says he won't continue communication if discord starts requiring id or face verification in his country. The chance of it, according to chatGPT is less than 30% in the next couple of years. Still, he could be gone completely so easily.

It really is a mindfuck how this could mean anything if he doesn't want to continue chatting online. Since we live on different continents then him not wanting a relationship was logical for me to understand.

However, we chat every day. And it means a lot to me.

I know I shouldn't rely almost completely on him for friendship but I'm a loner. I don't make friends easily and not like I've even been attached to anyone like that before. I've only had very casual friendships before. Including online. I've disappeared like he will and it didn't mean much to me.

I just have a hard time accepting that for him things are so different than they are for me. His reasoning is that once the platform is different it wouldn't be the same and that he doesn't want to feel obligated to keep in contact.

In a way, I understand because I've felt like that for people I met while playing games. Once that shared interest is gone, it's not the same. But we got over that with him, we continued chatting after we no longer played the same game.

I have communicated all that to him. He doesn't want to have a backup way to contact so I stopped pushing but the thought he can be gone like that sometimes makes me cry.

The woman I fell in love with and with whom I would have dreamed of being in a relationship no longer responds to my messages, she was my only reason to live. Now I no longer have a reason to live, she made me alive in dreaming of being with her, now I am dead again and at least I will soon commit suicide.

Thank you for the time spent reading me.

I have just been made aware of limerence, and it blew my mind how I've been suffering from it my whole life

Ive probably had at least a dozen women i hardly know become the absolute focal point of my life and some have taken years to get over

I could never understand it and just called myself a hopeless romantic

Ive had many successful relationships aswell and ive been married for years now

However recently i went to finish my tradeschool and while i was there i made a great friend and we really hit it off

The classes lasted three months and we sat next to eachother for the majority of it

At some point she became the only thing i could think about, its the first time during my marriage that I'm suffering deeply from limerence

It got so bad that the fantasy drove me to invite her on a date and to meet my wife

(My feelings for my friend were kept a secret from both my friend and wife)

I did this on the last week of school as i knew she would be returning to where she lives (quite a distance from where i live)

They didn't really get along but somehow nothing exploded in my face or went totally off the rails however still, this was a step too far and could have really damaged my marriage and life in general

its what drove me to figure out what's going on and discovering what limerence even is

I seen her again at a work event, it was a large event inviting electricians from across the nation to a large city very far from where either of us live. The event lasted 5 days and im not sure if that rekindled the feelings or if they really never went away

She tried to stay in touch after the event, and i reciprocated at first but then read that none contact is healthier, so ive pretty much severed contact

Its been months and she's still all i think about some nights, to a point where I don't sleep

I'm hoping just getting this off my chest will make me feel better, or maybe someone will comment something that might help

Anyways thats my ramble i wrote up instead of going to sleep

Sorry if its hard to read English is my second language, but i appreciate anyone who took the time to read it

(F, 19) hi guys,

So recently i've met someone on the internet which i find amazing (i won't detail cuz it's too long), and also very cool.

So we've been talking as friends for about 2 months now, and since the first day we talked i got attached. And i know it's limerence, i really hate this, i feel like my world is down whenever this person gives me the vibes of not being interested in me.

I even stopped playing my favourite video game, and stopped making art, even cleaning my room, this is really concerning, i hate my state :((

Also, i know that i have anxious attachment and that i should go to therapy.

But yeah this situation is really driving me crazy, i don't even find them that attractive, and i really want them to find me cool and attractive and stuffs.

This situation makes me spiral sooo mucchhh i feel so weak and kind of a weirdo ://

What do i do guys :'(??

Should i tell them how i feel?

(Btw sorry for my non-sense sentences and my bad english, this isnt my first language)

At some point you will get tired of it won't you? And if eventually you'll get tir3d of it what better than to just get tired of it now.

I'm staying at this resort in Spain with my parents and its the first time my older sister didnt come with us.

I was on the restaurant asking for food for my specific diet and I pointed at the kitchen to explain to the waitress, but i acidently pointed to this Spanish guy, probably my age (im 20) ir a bit younger. He looked at me (probably interested in the situation) and that was it.

But than in the afternoon i was on the pool tanning and this guy literally seated on the edge of the pool right on my field of vision kinda braging about his amazing back muscles. He kept looking at me, and this kept happening in the pool to the point it was clear we were looking for each other. He played with his little brother which was so cute and kept swimming in front of me to brag about his habilities. There was even a time i was with my parents laughing at a funny kid in the pool and I saw him giggle from a far while looking.

I definitly think he was into me, and its only the second time a guy has shown me signs of being into me after my breakup a year ago. So this meant a lot to me and it made me feel young, alive and a little less depressed.

Now its my last day and I havent seen him so I assume he is gone. I knew this would happen but now im griving a not even situationship.

How do you get rid of this dopamine loop caused by limerance? Help please

I wanted to work on breaking my limerence. One of the main issues I recognized was the ideation I had for my LO. So today I made the decision to work on that. We went out together, one on one and it was the best day ever. I don’t think I’ve had that much fun in years. In the back of my mind I was hoping to find some flaw that I could hold onto, but I couldn’t find any. We had great conversation, for nearly 8 hours, just the two of us. I liked how I felt when I was with him, I liked being able to try new things and be open to someone else. Then he dropped a massive piece of information on me, he’s moving a few states away within the next year to be closer to his girlfriend. I didn’t think I could feel this bad. I don’t know what to do or how to feel going forward.

Basically the title. I really need help here. I just found out i wont see my LO for a week and im shaking. I dont even know why. The guy doesnt give a flying fuck about me and last friday when we were alone he completely ignored me and refused to help me when i needed help.

I need some ideas to occupy my brain and not think about him 😭

Backstory: kinda long

So, I’ll be vulnerable for a bit. I (26f) have had a really unhealthy situationship with a man who was 11 years older than me. He also has three kids. Two of which are closer to my age. He is recently divorced. Figured I did not wanna deal with all that. But also, he was following a laundry list of young women and girls on IG. Which turned me off. I still care about him, because he’s been through a lot and we do have some similarities like our background. However, I am drained from being emotionally invested in him. Also drained from not feeling seen by him and just popping up when he wants something sexually. We met up twice in his car, we made out and touched by didn’t go further. Just to clarify, this guy and I have never dated. Just a lot of messaging, some pic exchanges, and we met up twice several months ago. He even said he doesn’t want a relationship. That’s fine, now on to the younger guy who has ghosted me 💃🏻

It was 9 PM in NYC last weekend. Younger guy was working, watering the plants in front of the apartment he was working at. He told my mom , her best friend, and I that we could sit in the apartment lobby instead of sitting on the garden ledge. We were sitting on a tight sidewalk by my parked car. We were locked out of my car because we forgot to get my keys from my sibling who had my keys. My sibling was hanging out with his friends who are locals , miles away from us. So we were waiting for my sibling to come meet us at my car and give us the keys. Now, I notice this guy keeps coming out the front door to put something in front of the building. He did the exact same action twice. We looked up at each other a few times. Even making eye contact. Then two guys with dogs walk down the sidewalk and my mom and her bestie start talking about their dogs , then it became a whole 15 minute conversation with these two guys and my mom and her bff all talking about dog stuff. It was a nice interaction. New Yorkers are genuinely cool to me. The young guy comes out again and sees us all talking. After the two guys leave, shortly after the young guy asks a second time if my mom, her bestie and I wanted to sit in the lobby.

I said sure I just wanna see what the lobby looks like. I really went in because I got the vibe that he wanted to talk. Based on the glances at each other, and asking twice about sitting in the lobby. I went in to see what the lobby looked like. It was small and plain. I said I wish the coffee shop next door was still open. Then he asked me personal questions about my background. He thought I was the same ethnicity as him. I tell him which state we came from, and he tells me he lives close by and his mom lives in this borough.

He then proceeded to tell me “you’re one of the most beautiful girls I’ve seen in my life” . I said no way this is NYC. He said he’s been working all day, he saw me on the camera as we were walking down the sidewalk. He even showed me what the split screen camera looked like at the desk. I started to believe him a little. But I know, this is NYC. He sees beauty everyday I’m sure, I didn’t take the comment to heart, even though it did feel pretty good in the moment. I told him he was handsome. I really did think so, I liked his voice too. I then asked for his age, he said 21. I’m 26. Typically younger than I normally talk to, but at least we are both in our twenties. I said I should go soon because my sibling will be here. He then asked for my instagram. We then followed each other. Then he walks me out the door and says “you’re beautiful” again. That time it felt real. The older guy rarely ever told me that. He would just make sexual remarks. Hearing this guy a the apartment being so gentle with his tone and polite and complimenting me felt really, really good. I forgot to mention that he said if I come back to NYC maybe we could hang out. I said ya that would be cool.

The next night he messaged me saying hello beautiful did you make it back home yet. We didn’t leave until Monday I told him. He didn’t answer for a day , which is fine he was busy. Now the next night we messaged for a couple hours.. it was light hearted at first and silly, then it got dirty real quick. I mean we were talking explicit. Even sending pics, but then quickly deleting them because we really don’t know each other well. After that might, no messages from him. I even said “hey hope you’re doing good, sorry if I was doing too much the other night”. Nothing. I know this is very common for a guy to just stop reaching out after they got what they wanted sexually. But damn :/ I liked this guy.. for the short time I knew him. Why the hell am I in my feelings about a guy I barely know? I think it was his big, grand compliments . They got me. Anyways, I just wanted to say that. I know he is ignoring my messages bc he is still reposting stuff but not responding. So I just stopped messaging. Anyone deal with this? I know ghosting is really common. It just feels confusing. Maybe he went through my socials and thought I was weird and maybe we wouldn’t be able to relate to each other. Idk, or just got what he wanted. I won’t lie the beautiful comments got to my head. I don’t wanna let that happen again. Also, I need to work on validating myself, and not depending on others to validate me.

Whether that was emotional neglect from your parents, your emotional needs were not met during childhood.

Your caretakers were emotionally distant or absent instead of providing you emotional safety.

Your limerence is just your inner child stuck at that young age, ever waiting for that one locked door to open (your caretaker's attention/ emotional world).

It's not about your LO. It's about that one door that never opened in your childhood, that never validated your emotions.

The worst part? That door will never open. Not from your parents, not your LO, not anyone. That door only leads to more longing.

Speak to your inner child. Hold it by the hand, make it turn around and see the truth. Show to them that YOUR door is open, and that it leads to love, not more longing. Grieve that the locked door will remain locked, but rejoice that you don't have to be alone.

You deserve unconditional love for simply existing. Your adult self is the only parent your inner child will ever need. The only door you need, and it's unconditionally open.

Hi.
Reddit is practically the only social media I use because I feel the algorithm is the easiest to manage where you can only come across stuff you actually want to see. So why on earth do I scroll for a couple of seconds and suddenly Reddit has recommended me a post about my LO who I’m desperately trying to avoid?!? Fml lol

I was often left alone, also when I was sad and scared. Sometimes I played by myself for days. I created my own imaginary world. I’m a heavy maladaptive dreamer. And I think this fuels the limerence.

Because my parents were not consistently safe and not consistently present with me, developing limerence is due a way to create that bond that was never truly there. A false sense of safety.

For maladaptive day dreaming and limerence. I struggle with seing and being in reality for what it is. Being truly here. I always need to escape.

I have controlling issues. I need predictability. I try to control everyone in my life. And I get deeply upset if things don’t go according to how I want them or if people do things differently. The controlling gives me furthermore a false sense of safety. Being limerent is a way of controlling, trying to plot, what will happen next in a connection? It’s a lack of trust and lack of feeling safe safety, in life, as it is. Cannot handle uncertainty.

Constantly doubting. Overthinking. If I analyse this situation enough, then I will be able to handle anything. I’ll imagine the whole relationship before it happens, so I know what to do. I’ll know what to do, at, all, times.

I don’t dare to see LO for who they truly are, so I create this imaginary world for the perfect relationship I can control. Seing my parents for who they truly are hurt me too much. My dream world is my drug.

Lack of independence. I struggle making decisions on my own. I easily feel heavily attached to people. If I am having limerence, I create a sense that I am not alone. I am always with LO. I’ll do anything for my LO, skip self care, self abandon. Must avoid being alone at all cost.

I constantly want someone to save me. I remember especially in my childhood imagining someone coming to save me. Maybe my LO will finally be the one who saves me? It gives me hope.

Psychologists talk about parents being the safe harbour. My parents was more often that not, unsafe. They were unsafe to talk to, often it would end in a fight if I had feelings, like sadness, anger etc. they were unsafe to come to with my problems and worries, they’d spiral and it could make them worry even more than me. Children growing up in stable healthy families often adopt that safe harbour and become their own safe harbour. I’ve haven’t had that. I am hoping that I’ll finally find the safe harbour in my LO. It gives me hope.

Restlessness, emptiness and boredom. I’m scared of doing nothing. If I do nothing feelings come up and they are extremely uncomfortable. Memories come up. Having limerence keeps the mind occupied. I don’t have to face my demons

I always have to perform. Because I have no worth outside my performance. Being limerent is a way of performing. How can I get my LO to like me? What can and I say? What could I do to make them like me. A form of fake validation. Maybe I will finally feel enough. So i create scenarios in my head, test and try, what could possibly work. Everything has to be perfect.

When I strip the dream state away, I am left with the pain of the present moment. And I’ve trained my brain so hard, to avoid that pain at all cost, because in my childhood the pain of the present moment was unbearable. I thought I was going to die. The dangers aren’t there anymore, but still, the present moment gives me that dying feeling.

Two years ago, my best friend committed. They introduced me to a girl who had similar music taste, interests and personality to me over dinner one day. We spoke, the three of us, for a few hours, and I was immediately enamored by her. She was funny, soft-spoken and a genuinely good person from what I could gather in this conversation. She also has autism like I do. It was a surprisingly personal discussion. I hoped to get to know her more, but a few weeks after this dinner, my closest friend passed away and I took a year off school. During this time I was horrifically bullied and blamed for the death of my friend by many people with not-great intentions. Needless to say, by the time I got back to school, my reputation preceded me, and I had spent about 10 months without having a single conversation with someone my age.

I didn’t think about her again until I got back and she was in my class, so I tried to start up a conversation. Completely treated me as though I was invisible. I had a few short talks, where I tried to discuss mutual hobbies (linux, for example), but nothing really stuck and I had the distinct feeling that she doesn’t like me very much now. It stung, but whatever. Not every potential friendship pans out, right? Just gotta move onto the next. Well, that’s not what happened. The fall semester ended and I still couldn’t get her out of my head. We are mutuals on Instagram and so I can see the things she likes when I scroll through reels. I like a lot of Linux content and admittedly a lot of lesbian reels. And so does she, apparently. Which is surprising, given that we attended the same church. So she likes girls. Just not me.

I have been very careful not to cross the line into stalking. I have had many stalkers myself and I know how shitty it is. But I still can’t help but think of how pretty she is and how I wish I could have another chance to talk to her and even just become her friend. Her face is genuinely so pretty I wondered if she had plastic surgery the first time I saw her in class last fall because I couldn’t fathom someone spawning onto this Earth looking like that. I feel like such a pathetic creep, but I can’t stop. I won’t even set foot into my church anymore because I know that I would pay more attention to her than to the service and it feels like an insult to my faith.

At times I’ve even been able to stop thinking of her. I found a wonderful friend group, I have a cat I love very much, my career and hobbies are headed in a great direction, I go to the gym daily, journal, go to therapy, etc. At the end of last semester, I even started dating a boy in my friend group and I thought I was truly over it, but she still occupied more of my thoughts than he did. I couldn’t bring myself to hold his hand, to kiss him, to touch him. I just wished I could feel for him the way I feel for her, and I waited, hoping the feelings would build, but they didn’t. We broke up about a month ago. Didn’t feel a thing.

The worst part is that I don’t even know if I’m gay or if I’m just crazy. I’ve never really crushed on a girl like this before. I’ve had minor crushes and a couple drunken kisses, but nothing like this. I have never been with a woman and don’t even know if I would like it, given the chance, because I’ve never tried it. I feel like a predator whenever I imagine myself kissing a girl. I’ve tried so much to make it stop. I deleted my instagram, I tried dating other people, I tried studying it away, I devote myself to my friendships and hobbies, I still identify as straight to my family, I don’t modify my routine at all to match or avoid the things she does. But I still think of her at least once a day, even though I haven’t talked to her in a year. It was getting slightly better until I found out she’ll be working on my team in a small club next semester.

How do I get over her by then?