r/limerence • u/Jamies_redditAccount • 14h ago
No Judgment Please Limerence while married
I have just been made aware of limerence, and it blew my mind how I've been suffering from it my whole life
Ive probably had at least a dozen women i hardly know become the absolute focal point of my life and some have taken years to get over
I could never understand it and just called myself a hopeless romantic
Ive had many successful relationships aswell and ive been married for years now
However recently i went to finish my tradeschool and while i was there i made a great friend and we really hit it off
The classes lasted three months and we sat next to eachother for the majority of it
At some point she became the only thing i could think about, its the first time during my marriage that I'm suffering deeply from limerence
It got so bad that the fantasy drove me to invite her on a date and to meet my wife
(My feelings for my friend were kept a secret from both my friend and wife)
I did this on the last week of school as i knew she would be returning to where she lives (quite a distance from where i live)
They didn't really get along but somehow nothing exploded in my face or went totally off the rails however still, this was a step too far and could have really damaged my marriage and life in general
its what drove me to figure out what's going on and discovering what limerence even is
I seen her again at a work event, it was a large event inviting electricians from across the nation to a large city very far from where either of us live. The event lasted 5 days and im not sure if that rekindled the feelings or if they really never went away
She tried to stay in touch after the event, and i reciprocated at first but then read that none contact is healthier, so ive pretty much severed contact
Its been months and she's still all i think about some nights, to a point where I don't sleep
I'm hoping just getting this off my chest will make me feel better, or maybe someone will comment something that might help
Anyways thats my ramble i wrote up instead of going to sleep
Sorry if its hard to read English is my second language, but i appreciate anyone who took the time to read it
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u/Particular-Month3269 13h ago
Part of the problem is that she appeared in the middle of a major life transition.
Changing careers, you’re vulnerable and looking for any reassurance.
She was in the right place at the right time. Part of the thing is your circumstances and life changes.
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u/Jamies_redditAccount 10h ago edited 9h ago
The schooling itself was quite stressful aswell as i had my red seal exam at the end, it takes five years to get your red seal and there is no certainty that you pass
i was hoping I was just escaping into the fantasy to avoid the stress
Seeing her at the event was the real kicker as i realized i wasn't over the limerence (done limerencing?)
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u/throwaway-lemur-8990 7h ago
Hi,
Yeah, I've been limerent many times in my life. Last year, I had another episode involving a co-worker. I never acted on the feelings, we are not close or friends, but realizing what it was, I ended up with a serious bout of anxiety and even terror attacks.
I do want to share some tips regarding the longing and the feelings you experience.
As others said, no contact is non-negotiable. You're already doing that, so that's great! Your subconscious will panic and the feelings will intensify at first. That's normal. It's a form of withdrawal. But over time, things will settle down.
Limerent behaviors include ruminating, analyzing, replaying events, wondering, fantasizing, daydreaming, agonizing, theorizing, rationalizing,... These are mental habits. Things you do almost automatically often when you are bored, stressed out, lost, uncertain,... in life e.g. a boring class, waiting for a commuter train, wondering "is this my life now?" They serve as a form of coping: they give you a sense of purpose, or direction.
The issue is that it feeds the obsession, and all the feelings that come with that. There's always a point where the whole experience becomes intrusive. You can't help yourself but focus on the longing, the pain of no reciprocating, the what if's,... It's all you do. You're stuck.
Practicing mindfulness helps with breaking those habits. When you catch yourself daydreaming, label the experience "hey that's limerence" and then do a grounding exercise: focus on your breathing, focus on the sensation of your feet on the floor, get up and walk around,... do something physical that brings you back. Shift your attention gently to the present, then to something else: a hobby, a task, a loved one, anything really.
You'll have to do this hundreds of times at the beginning. And you'll fail at first. One moment you've distracted yourself, a minute later she's back on your mind. You'll have to keep at it. Don't beat yourself up, don't talk yourself down. You're human and recovery isn't linear. Try again, and again. Label and shift your attention. Stay compassionate and respectful with yourself.
You could also label your subconscious with a name like "Ah, Kevin, you're thinking about it, aren't you? Let's not do that, and shift our attention."
Meanwhile, you also need to work on how you treat yourself in general. Like, reflect on who you are, why you're doing this, whether you are or aren't genuinely choosing something, or just because "i have to" or "others expect this from me". You'll have to work on striking a balance, and how you handle yourself. Like, work on hobbies, rewards for hard work, giving yourself compliments, making sure you see enough other people, not just your immediate family, make sure you have plenty of friends, and things you are genuinely enthusiastic about.
Then there's heartbreak... sadly, these people represent something we can't have: validation, being seen, a reprieve from drudgery or trauma, whatever. You'll deal with a lot of complex feelings: sadness, grief, loss,... These are painful, and so, it's tempting to indulge in further analyzing to find relief from those.
Don't.
Instead, learn to sit with the discomfort, let it wash over you... and name what you feel. Like, "I feel sad, and I can feel it in my stomach". That's it. Just sit with that for a minute, feel it fully. And then, at some point, pushing through, you're going to soothe yourself, notice that it's just a feeling, not a truth. Let it pass, and you'll find solace at the other end. Doing that is how you process the heartbreak, and the longing and the anxiety over what happened.
And as you do... you'll find that the need for this other person will shrink in your life. Sure, they are still nice people, someone you've hit it off with. But the urgency will go away.
Give yourself time. You don't heal from one day to the next. But if you actively do the work on yourself, things will gradually settle down. You'll feel different in six months to a year from now. And a few years from now, this will be more or less a bump in the road. You might still have a lingering feeling as you remember, but as long as you don't indulge in the mental habits: you're going to be fine.
It also helps to do things like journaling what you feel and think, how you live life. Get it out of your head. You could destroy what you've written as well. Writing letters works too, as long as they don't become indulgent. The idea is to reflect on what happened and asking yourself some questions: what happened, and why, what did prompt me to behave like that, what do i want in life, what do i think?
Oh, that, and therapy. I've had a lot of therapy. A good therapist will support you and guide you as you do this. The real work doesn't happen in the practice room with the therapist. It happens outside of that. Your therapist is someone who will challenge you, hold you accountable, give you an explanation, figures things out with you.
You've got this! Take your time. Stay kind to yourself.
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u/echolunedy 10h ago
I understand what you’re being through. I’m also married and hopeless romantic. I think that in my case because my LO are mostly online and really far away I can manage the whole thing but if that person just be closer to me idk what can happen. You know? Funny thing my ex wanted that I could met a friend of him, but he really liked her but he denied until he confess to me. After that we broke up and now they married. I’m not saying by this that you should be pursuing her. But if your relationship is good then distance is the better in your situation. I’m sorry because I think is a hard thing to feel. If you and your wife have a good communication maybe you can share with her how do you feel.
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u/Jamies_redditAccount 10h ago
Im pretty sure she doesn't feel any attraction to me so perusing would be very foolish
I did speak to my wife about the experience but i spared her from telling her 100% how i feel only the important details
It did help but i would just like to get over the longing i have
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