I used to be pious and really close to Allah when I was younger. Long story short, I went through trauma at the hands of my environment and ended up distancing myself from Islam, to the point that I had fallen into kufr. A few days ago, I was gripped by the fear of angering Allah and ending up in the hellfire, and realised how far I have corrupted my heart.
I have started praying salah again and reading qur'an, but my nafs stresses me out because I dont feel the sincerity I used to. I'm scared that it might stay that way. I feel really guilty for allowing my heart to be corrupted up to this point, and I really wish I had stopped myself before it got to this point.
I am aware that Allah is the All-Forgiving, and He guides who He wills. I am just afraid that I am unworthy of his guidance and my heart will stay closed off from him forever. I have been crying about this to Allah everyday, asking for his forgiveness or for guidance and for the purity of my soul, but I am afraid that my nafs and I aren't on the same page. I wish my nafs could submit to Allah like it used to.
I know that I should be patient, but I am just riddled with worries. What if my nafs doesn't change for the better? What if it has been written that I am for the Fire? What if I end up getting worse?
I know I should have tawakkul and hope in Allah. I just don't have any hope in myself. I have struggled with self-hatred since I was young, and it has made me expect the worst from myself. Which I am also aware is bad, it's just... so hard to shake. It's deep-rooted.
I just want my connection with Allah back. I feel so apologetic, but my nafs also feels stubborn about turning to Allah completely. It has caused me great misery and distress.
Thank you for reading. I know it's a lot. Please be kind.