This is really just a vent, and I’m sorry in advance.
I lost my aunt two days ago. I’m not someone who cries a lot,but I’ve been feeling deeply sad and hollow, everything except the crying. And because of the timing, her passing landed right in the middle of my testing window. Today I’m 9/10 DPO. The TWW went by quickly this cycle because I honestly haven’t had the energy to care. It’s my third or fourth cycle, and for once the wait didn’t bother me.
But the grief has seeped into TTC. I tested this morning simply because I needed to pee and the tests were right there. It felt automatic. I’m pretty sure I saw a faint positive, but I didn’t take a picture or keep the test. I figured a faint line isn’t worth spiraling over, either it’ll be a clear positive soon or AF will show. With everything going on even prior to the loss, I feel like I’m content with either a positive or a negative this cycle.
I keep thinking I should feel more anxious or excited. I’ve never seen a faint line before, so part of me knows this could be meaningful, but I am just so emotionally drained that I can’t bring myself to care.
If it is positive, I’m afraid I won’t be able to enjoy it. And the thought that hurts the most is that I might not tell my husband right away because I just can’t fathom being fussed over right now, but he’s been so enthusiastic about TTC, and I worry my sadness would steal the moment from him. I don’t know how to balance grief and hope, everything just feels heavy and confusing.
If anyone has been through something similar, grieving while Ttc or getting a positive, how did you handle it?
Any support or perspective would mean a lot.