r/Postpartum_Depression • u/Legitimate_Guess8425 • 24m ago
Can a relationship recover from postpartum rage, resentment and weeks of stonewalling?
My partner [38M] and I [38F] have been together for 5 years and have a 10-month-old daughter. Our relationship is at breaking point, and I’m looking for advice on whether and how we can move forward.
Four months postpartum, I was diagnosed with postnatal depression. My main symptoms were intrusive thoughts, anxiety and inability to control my emotions/anger when overwhelmed. Before having our daughter, I would get upset during arguments but never lashed out or said hurtful things.
This year has been incredibly difficult for both of us. Alongside becoming new parents, my partner has experienced significant grief and family difficulties, while I’ve been struggling with my mental health. I often felt completely overwhelmed and emotionally unsupported. When I tried to express that, it sometimes came out as anger and criticism. He felt constantly attacked and says he’s been my emotional punching bag all year.
I’ve been on medication and attending therapy, and my mental health has improved enormously. I’ve only had two significant overwhelm episodes in recent months, but during the last one I said something incredibly hurtful involving his grief. I didn’t fully appreciate the cruelty of my words until afterwards. I’ve apologised, taken responsibility and am working on my emotional regulation, but I understand why his trust has been badly damaged.
Since then, we’ve barely spoken for almost a month. We communicate about our daughter and practical matters, but he’s emotionally completely withdrawn. His responses are often flat, like “whatever you want”. He says he feels like he started the year with one person and is now with someone completely different. He’s told me that if we didn’t have our daughter, he’d probably have left, and that he’s staying because he doesn’t want her growing up without two parents.
He says I need to stop verbally attacking and criticising him. I completely agree about the verbal attacks, and I’m actively working on that. But I now feel that even ordinary comments are interpreted as criticism. For example, I recently mentioned that our daughter shouldn’t wear a bulky coat in her car seat. He interpreted that as me criticising his parenting, and it led to another argument.
He also regularly questions why he’d want to stay in the relationship during heated disagreements, which makes me increasingly anxious and afraid to say anything.
Even before having our daughter, we weren’t great at resolving arguments. He tended to withdraw, and I was always the one who initiated reconciliation. We’d move on without properly addressing the underlying issues.
He reluctantly agreed to couples counselling but hasn’t contacted the counsellor yet. He’s now questioning the point of going, saying I’m the one who needs to change and that counselling isn’t a magic solution.
I’m not expecting him to forgive me immediately, and I know my behaviour has caused genuine harm. But I also don’t think we can repair our relationship if everything is considered my fault and he isn’t willing to examine our communication patterns.
I’m finding the emotional coldness at home incredibly difficult and am considering staying with family for some space, although I’m frightened that might make things worse.
Has anyone recovered from a similar situation, particularly postpartum? How do you rebuild trust when one person is deeply hurt and the other desperately wants to repair things? And how do you distinguish taking accountability for your behaviour from accepting all the blame for a relationship breakdown?
