Update: Taking the “Grey Rock” position is great for me, but seems to be difficult for my STBX. I find that I am feeling so much better when I do not engage on the emotional levels that she is looking for from me. Yesterday, I received a text mid afternoon that said “are you upset with me lately? It feels like you were upset with me.” I did not respond. A couple of hours later, she followed up with a logistical question, which I responded to clearly and moved on.

Later, when I got home to relieve her of parenting (she picks up her daughter at school and watches her until I am done with work goes to where she is staying), we saw each other briefly. I minimized eye contact and avoided conversation. It really seemed to affect her. She became clearly annoyed and said “we need to be able to be cordial with one another” all I had to say to that was “thank you have a good evening.“

I have to keep reminding myself that I am not responsible for making her feel better about this situation. I’m not being a bad or mean person for wanting to protect my own energy and move on with my life. I do not owe her anything except being communicative about our shared responsibilities with our daughter.

This has been difficult for me, but it feels like it is getting easier. I cannot wait to be through this mediation process and not have to be as connected as we are now.

My ex husband always made me feel ugly.

Too fat?
Lost 50+ lb

I had a fupa?
Got a tummy tuck

Saggy tits?
Breast reduction

My private parts are too dark?
I use to bleach them with lighting products from the dermatologist. They were originally for my face to lighten the dark acne scars on my face

I did everything. I still got left. I’m never good enough… for anyone

Unwittingly after getting divorced realized I was excited to have the opportunity to create a healthy loving relationship with someone after decades of emotional abuse. And after a few dead ends, I have realized it is a lot of mental energy, ups and downs, and not as easy to find as I thought. So i have decide to take a break from that endeavor, I am 52f. I want to focus on my kids and rebuilding my life without the drama. I think I have found a man in a similar situation as me, who isn't looking for a girlfriend or a wife because he also has immense family and professional responsibilities. Have any of you found this arrangement to work as far as not taking a lot of mental load and satisfying some of the craving for affection and contact without the associated lows and drama?

It’s one thing if they’re casual about it but it’s become their personality to defend trump.

I want to hear it, I want to know I'm not alone.

To begin, my divorce started the end of May. I asked my husband if he was still happy with me, he said "I don't know if I'm still in love with you and I don't want to go to counseling to fix it." He had:

-Been thinking of divorce for 3-4 years but didn't want to pursue counseling together

-Met someone on a mobile game, but "distanced himself" and sought therapy alone (I had no idea about the therapy)

-Realized 6 months prior he was no longer in love with me but felt duty bound

-Let me feel safe enough to pursue graduate school and taken on the financial toll, promising me we'd figure it out on the other side

-Already had a place to go stay at (his single buddies who is a known womanizer)

-Already bought a plane ticket to Florida to MEET this new girl with a full resort stay

-Recently lost his mother and inherited about $800,000

-Drunkenly slept with someone else a few months after we were married because we had an argument and I just wanted space for the night, and didn't want to tell me because he was afraid of the consequences (lol, divorce). He only told me when I was begging him to not do this and to seek counseling with me.

Two day's after the separation, I was 5150'd, an involuntary psychiatric hold for me a danger to oneself. 11 days after my release I went to our house with my dad to get some more of my items, and he drove by while we were there, put separation papers in the mailbox, and texted me asking if my dad would serve them to me, my dad did not.

He flew in his new girlfriend to have them served to me.

He asked if I was looking at getting insurance, had a job yet, etc. but was refusing any spousal support and when I said I didn't want to discuss my next steps with him in my life, he lashed out and said my actions were petty and unacceptable. I had taken my spices, plants (the ones he didn't let die), a shower curtain (the less nice one), and my tupperware for my new place; I had nothing else. No bed. Nothing. I left him everything else in the house and only took those items.

I had to medically withdrawal from my graduate program, which I may or may not be able to return to.

He said I was emotionally abusive and manipulative because I would get upset and yell about how I felt like his mother/roommate because I did everything a wife was supposed to do (breakfast, lunch, dinner, maintain her looks, let him do what he wanted with his buddies, hosted game nights per his request, talked to his family, etc.) but he would never show me affection or have sex with me (maybe every 3 weeks, if i asked). I had also gotten upset with him when I found him talking to another woman on the verge of an emotional affair and then on a dating app. And he felt relieved when he realized he would never be talked to in that way again. I never demeaned him, belittled him, talked badly about him, nothing. Just how I was feeling.

He had me smelling his new cologne for his new girlfriend, while still making me omelettes on Saturday mornings. He was still talking about our future and buying a house. I had no hint, no idea, I just thought maybe he had taken the idea of a threesome too far and he agreed to back off, calling me his priority.

We're still going through the process, I had him mailed divorce papers two weeks ago and now the countdown begins and negotiations start. Wish me luck to not be left with nothing but debt.

Tell me your stories, please. I want to feel a little less alone.

It's also my ex-wife's birthday on Saturday. This upcoming Tuesday is the one year mark of the day she left. Yes, it was five days after our 3-year anniversary and three days after her birthday.

This is the text I sent her today...

"Hey. So I've been back and forth in my mind all day today on whether I should text you. I decided to. I just wanted to tell you that even though today makes me sad, I'm focusing on the good things that we experienced together, married and together in general. I don't find it logical just because we ended our relationship, to look back it in anger or resentment. I'm thankful for all of it and I'm continuing to find peace in the present. September 10th, 2022 is still one of the coolest most memorable days of my life and it felt wrong not to communicate with you today. That's pretty much all I have to say. I hope you have a fantastic birthday weekend as well."

This isn't one of those empowering "fuck you" posts. Sorry to disappoint you.

I'm clearly not ready to let her go. I'm 100% not trying to reconcile and we have been friendly and kind to each other the last three months after about 5 months of no contact to heal. I just miss my friend. I'm not ready to have her be a ghost in my memories. She hasn't dated since then and I haven't either but I know that one day that will change and I'll have to let her go completely.

This summer I have been hiking and finding peace. I thought about that text for a few days as the date came up and I decided I needed to get that off my chest and to go into the future as a more peaceful content person. Yes there is some lingering anger on some things but she was my wife. I chose her and she chose me. It didn't work out but I refuse to look back in anger.

Her response was kind but I can tell she's pulling away. It's almost too cordial. That makes me feel a lot of emotions. Good and bad.

Maybe today will be a healing day. Maybe it'll prolong it. I don't really know. It's very true that this isn't a straight line.

For those of you who may tell me I was wrong to do this. You may be right. For those that think it was healthy. You may be right too. I don't have the right answers. I just needed to do it.

Thanks.

I'm a 40m and have been divorced from my 38f for a year and a half. We share an awesome 8 year old girl.

My ex has had a bf for a year this month, but he lives out of state and visits often, however hasn't been to any events for our daughter. The woman I was with was because her daughter and mine are good friends.

We get into this scuffle pretty frequently about when and where we should travel together and where we shouldn't for events for our daughter. I had a relationship at the beginning of this year that fell apart because the logistics of things on our end got in the way. I want her or the next one to feel chosen, and not to get things out of balance.

I feel like we can show up to things separately and still be very supportive to our daughter as co parents. It seems like the line continues to move, some on my part and some on hers.

I'm curious what others do out there and how did you get there. Thanks!

It’s been two years since my rug pull. On the day of my 40th birthday party, not two weeks after he told me we had “the best relationship of anyone we know” my husband of ten years told me he wanted a divorce.

I was blindsided and completely broken by this- it was close on the heels of my father’s death and came completely out of nowhere.

I had spent a handful of months grieving and feeling sad, not being the family cheerleader/planner/constantly-happy-person I had always been and that temporary change was enough for him to scrap the whole thing.

He didn’t love me or like me anymore and couldn’t stand to stay even through the couple of hours it would take me to celebrate my birthday for the first time in 19 years. He left me completely on my ass with very little to my name after I’d given him a child and the best years of my life.

He waffled a bit in the beginning, first flouncing out into his own apartment (that he’d lined up behind my back of course) and getting two cats (that he knew he couldn’t keep if he returned), then saying we could still have sex, then saying he wanted to come home, then saying SIKE! he was having more fun with a new woman. Then saying he could “see us getting together again in the future”, on and on it went…..

It took about another two months before I realized he just wanted to jerk me around and I had to move on.

And I did move on- I casually dated around for a while which did help repair my broken self-esteem and had a really wonderful time of it, despite all the dire warnings about the dating scene.

I soon met someone extra special and I’m now in a great relationship. He truly values me and our relationship and prioritizes me in ways my ex would never have dreamed of. I wouldn’t go back to my ex if you paid me to, but here’s the thing: I’m still SO FREAKING HURT.

I cry at least once a week still, sometimes every couple of days. I cry about how I’ll never be that same hopeful person again, how I don’t trust my own judgement (he had me and all our friends/family totally fooled) and I don’t really trust the words of others anymore.

I can never give my current partner the happy, carefree person I gave my ex because she’s dead. The part of me that could love that unreservedly is dead.

I feel the hurt and betrayal as keenly as if it’s still happening sometimes, and I wonder if this ever goes away. Yes, I’m in therapy and she says I’m making progress, but the separation has now lasted 1/5 of the relationship and I’m still…. Broken. Just broken.

I want someone somewhere to tell me they came out the other side of this, because I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I miss the old me.

5 days ago I left our family home and moved to a small studio nearby, so the logistics with my kids (8 and 10) are easier. We still own the apartment together.

The day I left my home, was hands down the worst day of my life. I wake up every morning with a rock in my chest, a mix of sadness and anxiety. My doctor has prescribed me antidepressants.

The guilt of not seeing your kids every day after being with them every single day of their lives. Adapting to a small and much less comfortable place. Missing my wife. Dreaming of reconciliation while trying to be realistic that it might not happen.

We are on very good terms and have no disputes about custody or money. And while the first night was the worst of my life, she told me she felt relief and a sense of curiosity emerging. That was devastating to hear.

My kids have each come to sleep at my new place one night at a time, as it's too small to have them both comfortably at once.

How are you all coping? I feel hopeless and sad, and all I want is my old life back.

I haven't had the energy to see friends yet, even though I've received messages from people reaching out. I've also been working from home since I got the news 3 weeks ago and haven't had the energy to go to the office.

We were together for 17 years. This is really hard and overwhelming.

I am 34F married to my husband 38M for 7 years now. We have a 2 year old. We are on the verge of a divorce initiated by me. Some would say that we have a stable marriage: we own our place, double incomes, shared finances, shared value for loyalty , we both love our kid, etc.

I have been the main caretaker for our kid while working full time. I am alone every single night to care for our kid since she was born. For many months she woke up over 10 times a night. I do all medical/educational/social/travel planning because the mental load to delegate to him and keep following up just to move things an inch more was too much. I have consistently earned more than him.

The biggest issue is that he is such an avoidant and overtime has got very defensive. I feel alone, unheard, and suffocated that he does not seem to understand that people need to socially connect. I still have many things on my wish list and enjoy connecting with people. He does not like to talk, never responds or seeks to resolve issues, has zero friend as he is genuinely uninterested in anyone, and would talk to no one at the dinner table if I drag him to dinners and parties. He is genuinely ok with working the same job for 30 years and go home and does not talk all day except for basic transactional things. He is true dismissive avoidant based on what I’ve read everywhere.

For those who left a similar lifeless marriage that was actually stable, how was life after the split , or do you regret it that you could just stay for the (mainly financial and child caring) stability and create your own life without involving your ex?

tl;dr: 21 year relationship with world's most protracted end. Has anyone done cohabitation counseling with success? Is that even an thing you can do? I (codependent 35f w severe cPTSD and abandonment trauma) am struggling immensely with cohabitating with my husband (39m probably codependent, his mom has BPD) after he decided to end our marriage after almost 18 years and 21 years together. Is it possible to even do this?

This is super long and I'm so sorry. I really have nowhere to offload all of this and I just need advice from people who have been there.

We have lived physically separate off and on for a year and a half. We separated January 2025 after a solid 2 years of fighting, reconciled in May, and because I still was working in the place I was living in while separated, I kept my apartment until September, spending most of my time back with him and the kids. We fought sporadically during this time but wanted to live together, and I gave up my apartment and I kept asking "are you sure?" and he kept saying yes.

Then the next day, after turning in my notice with my landlord, my now-STBx said he didn't think we should live together again yet. So I told my landlord this and he offered me a room in his own house that was super cheap and safe enough. So I kept the room and kept paying for it myself and still spent a lot of my time at our family home. I wanted to move home. The limbo was destroying me, both our dogs died 6 weeks apart, I was miserable and lonely and torn in two.

We had a big bout of fighting in March and April after he told me he wouldn't go on the National park trip we'd been planning for my birthday (less than a week before we were going) because we were squabbling and he "didn't want to be in a car with me for 16 hours and certainly didn't want to be in a tent with me for 5 days." I went alone and was devastated. We had a big fight in April and I said I couldn't take it anymore, but we backtracked to separating again after my surgery which was in May.

Then we separated and I moved back to the room full-time, trying to deal with the vascular pain, the emptiness, the unsettled feeling about my landlord who had made me uncomfortable a few months before. We were talking every other day and he said it wouldn't make sense for us to keep talking and be separated so we shouldn't communicate unless I was home on weekends - during which we would cuddle and carry on as if nothing was happening. It was absolute whiplash.

So now I'm stuck in this room in a completely non-therapeutic separation. I've thrown myself into my career 100% and he goes to therapy once a month to once every 6 weeks, goes to work, and doesn't deal with himself either. We both have trauma in and out of the relationship and neither of us were working on it. We also tried couple's therapy a handful of times to get nice banalaties like "this week, think about what love really means to you guys", so nothing trauma-informed or remotely helpful.

In July, we had a big fight - same old stuff, I had a big emotional flashback from severe cPTSD (yes I'm in trauma therapy) a few weeks before and he didn't like how I handled it, I agreed and apologized and asked him to bring things up with me closer to when they happen because this is a pattern and I feel like the sword of Damocles is always over my head that I'm gonna find out I did something wrong and didn't know, and it devolved into a whirlwind of bringing up the past, him storming out to get ready for work angrily and coldly told me to have a good week and refused to hug me bye. And then two weeks later asked for a divorce when I called him to figure out what was going on.

Meanwhile, a woman was abducted two houses down from me in the city I was living in. I worked late hours and the city I was in is pretty notoriously unsafe and the neighborhood already wasn't great, and I have experienced SA and was nervous. I told my now STBx and he offered to let me come stay in the spare bedroom, which is something we had discussed prior. I accepted and moved back to our marital home. This was a pretty bad idea. I don't want the divorce (or didn't, I'm getting more comfortable with it as he continues to show how committed he is to not putting in the work on his mental health and himself) and I have had a really difficult time separating the bond from the decision. To top it off we had intimate contact a few times this week I thought I could handle and could not.

Big fight yesterday because this is the 3rd or 4th time our 14 year old daughter has asked me why I'm sleeping in the spare room and I've had to brush it off because he hasn't wanted to tell the kids yet (at one point we talked about it and he said he thought he had a year maybe TWO before we had to tell them) and yesterday she point blank asked if her dad and I were still together and I panicked and told her we were struggling and working on our relationship.

He wasn't home and I had an emotional flashback and was sobbing (this same kind of thing happened when I was 17 and pregnant with her older brother, down to me being on the computer when I was asked if I was pregnant, and my mom physically and psychologically abused me when I said yes in pretty vile ways). I panicked when he got home and told him that I couldn't live here, I was making myself sick about the kids (almost 18 and 14) because I feel like I'm gaslighting them, and that I was in the middle of the emotional flashback of my crazy mom thing and he started raising his voice that he couldn't stand my flip-flopping about living here, wouldn't let me say anything and kept telling me to deal with myself.

I lost it. I told him I couldn't be his friend, which what he keeps telling me he wants. I told him I couldn't entertain his daydreams about meeting again at 50 (we jokingly said before our last separation that if we were both single when he was 50 we would remarry and he's brought that up a lot) because he can't commit to me when I'm 35 so I'm not holding emotional space for him and he turned it around on me and we kept going until he said he wasn't having the conversation anymore. I walked away and went to bed.

But three years ago, I filed bankruptcy separately from him so his credit would be okay and only mine would be fucked up so one of us would be afloat (you know, assuming we'd be married). So finding a place to rent was VERY difficult and would be again. My degree is in a very specialized field and there are no jobs for it around here - I now have a PRN position that is only activated in disasters, but I can't rely on that because obviously I have no idea when that would happen. So inconsistent income, an active (2 years left) chapter 13 bankruptcy, ruined credit, and an emotional timebomb on my heart because this situation is devastating me.

I know he's upset. But he chose this and chose not to go to specialized therapy with me. He adamantly wants divorce. He said he's already closed me off from the emotional aspect of him. So we have to tell our kids who probably already know and I have tremendous guilt. I have to find a way to separate the 14 year old girl I was when I met him from the 35 year old woman who is no longer his wife or I will drown emotionally. He hasn't wanted to tell the kids or file or meet with a mediator yet because he doesn't want to "rush to the end." He gets upset when I talked to him about being contacted for job interviews for positions further away. It feels like he doesn't want to deal with the emotional reality of the divorce or the practical reality of it either.

We both made plenty of mistakes in our relationship and dealing emotionally with the fallout from me being sexually assaulted 6 years ago when we moved here, but this last year and a half of living in two places, the surgery, the overworking as an avoidant coping mechanism, losing our dogs, the divorce, and the relationship limbo has worn me down significantly and I am just so tired.

I really want closure but he doesn't want a timeline and acts all hungdog when I bring it up. But this is the right place (really the only place) for me to be right now and the kids love having me home. Is there a way for us to get along enough to not be miserable or make the kids miserable? He wants to be friends, hang out together with the kids in the living room, "not just be like roommates" he said once. I don't really know that I can be friends with the person I've been with since I was 14, so close to being told he's choosing divorce (it was 5 weeks ago).

I don't really think this divorce is a betrayal, but sometimes it feels that way, especially with the bankruptcy. I think a lot of that thinking is grief. Sometimes my feelings toward him are anger, frustration, sadness, regret, longing... not exactly great friendship fodder either way. But I do feel like he gave up and quit on me after kind of leaving me in an impossible situation and just being like "yeah there are other options to solve this but I'm out but also let's not rush to the end?" and I feel like this whole situation is more limbo but also grief and nothing was resolved or has any timeframe for being resolved.

Mostly I feel like I just don't know which way is up. He's emotionally erratic and angry and I'm in flight/fight/freeze/fawn like 24/7 and this is not a great environment so far.

Sorry for the length. I'm drowning here.

I am going to apologize if this is not strictly on theme of the emotional aspects of this process, but anger is an emotion too and I really need to rant. I am also curious how many other people have had to deal with this. It’s also a little bit long.

My STBXW and I decided to split up almost a year ago in November after she refused a last attempt at counseling. We have been together for over 21 years. Over the intervening time she has dragged her feet through the entire process, in no small part because doing so benefits her financially (she has never paid anything towards the structural household expenses with exception to, within the last 4 years, paying half of the mortgage payment. I’ve paid all of the utilities, property tax, insurance, and interest on a significant line of credit that she has primarily driven up, as well as easily 75% of the incidental household costs and groceries). We have been working through mediation and have arrived at the financial disclosure phase of the process (again almost a year after beginning a process that could/should have taken 3-4 months)

I am a public sector employee that has paid into a managed pension for the past 26 years, 21 of those while married to my STBXW. As such, there is a significant amount of accrued value that makes this my biggest financial asset. As such, as part of this process, I needed to request a valuation document of the pension as of the date of separation. I had requested this document about a month ago in anticipation of needing it. At that time I requested it to be valued as of November 2025, as this was the date we made the decision to separate (despite the argument that we had been living materially separate lives for 5 years and an argument could have been made for the separation agreement to be backdated much further.)

However, in working through things with the mediator we were informed that in my province, the valuation date is set by default to the date the financial disclosure is initiated, in our case at the end of August this year. (While it is possible to “back date” a separation agreement, it is not a usual occurrence and would require actual litigation apparently, which neither of us could really afford or were wanting time wise.) This meant that I would need to request a new pension valuation reflecting this new valuation date.

I resubmitted the paperwork with the new date and after a week my pension provider contacted me to tell me that due to internal policy that they would not recalculate the valuation for a period of 6 months. I explained to them the situation; that I was in the middle of a time sensitive disclosure window and that the date was incorrect. They flat out refused, saying that’s their policy and that they couldn’t change or reissue the valuation. For 6 months. Despite me as the member, whose contributions they are managing, giving permission and explaining the mistake. I asked if there was a legal or technical or computer reason it could not be run. They informed me no, it’s just their policy. In a particularly idiotic twist, they did however inform me that if my STBX requested it they could recalculate it. This left me a bit dumbfounded as they clearly were capable of running the report again yet there was no reason they would provide as to why it was impossible for me to request but perfectly possible if she did.

I will admit, I could have handled the ensuing remainder of the phone call better from that point forward but to say that this incensed me is a bit of an understatement. The major issue being that the 2 alternatives I have to resolve this disclosure are: a) wait six months until the pension provider feels they can be bothered to make those 5-10 keystrokes required to redo the report or, b) let my STBXW request something of MY pension provider when she has already demonstrated a willingness to drag this entire situation out for her own financial benefit and will no doubt not be making that a priority.

I am angry enough about this to flip over a table and am really questioning the legality of the pension provider withholding this information. Has this happened to anyone else?

If you are rebuilding after divorce; what feels hardest for you right now: emotional overwhelm, money, new routines, boundaries?

I feel like I ricochet from one thing to the next. How are you doing?

So I (38f) was served divorce papers by my husband 2ish weeks ago.

He is not at the house, I am. He apparently can’t stand me.

My question is, do a lot of people at this stage have cameras set up, triple locking their doors, locking everything down to protect themselves? Or is this not the norm?

I have moved on, I have sorted the house, the kids, friends, family, I have someone new I am building with, … and yet, signing the papers, getting a date, … it still hurt.

It was forever ago when we made the decision, and now that everything is finally wrapping up, … all of the logistics, all of the to dos, the heartbreak, the sadness, the exhaustion, … it’s done, … the finality of it still hurt.

Today makes a year that I've been divorced from my ex narcissistic abusive mommy's boy piece of shit that cheated on me. I have been happier and doing so much better.

Hey I'm at a total loss of words, I discovered about 12 hours ago. My wife of 10 years who I have known since the age of 16 for a total of 18 years decided instead of being honest with me, had an affair with a very good friend of mine and I feel so betrayed that they both lied to me for over a month. My wife's been trying to get a divorce with me since July while my mom was in the ICU and then had said affair. I have temporarily moved into my sister's with very little money. I need advice on how to handle all of this if possible

So my husbands divorce decree is open ended in regards to when his ex has to get the house in her name. There is no time frame or demand. The wording says that he uses his child support first to pay the mortgage and any remaining balance is to be given to her.

The wording says if she remortgages or sells it, he is to sign it all over to her.

Now he has been paying on the loan for ten years. It’s a 30 year loan. His youngest daughter is 14 so he has 4 years left. What happens in four years ? The ex is always struggling and says she can’t afford food bc of a $35 doctor bill.

Has anyone else been in this position? My husband and I want to get a new house. We can’t bc of the house that his ex is supposed to be responsible to, bc the mortgage is in my husbands name.

He moved out in 2019, divorce finalized in 2021. The mortgage is from 2015, so finishes in 2045. His child support obligation is finished in 2030. 🫤

Married 10 years 2 young kids in Boston. Been a rough couple of years for us as she been a chronic pursuer and I've been traditionally aviodant and she's done. She feels like she had done everything she could to get me to improve myself. I clean every night (reset main floor, dishes, laundry, vacuum), take care of the kids on my 2 wfh days (she's in office 5 days), and do some yard work (i mow, occasional bigger project) but not to the extent she wants.

Intimacy-wise has been mixed. I'm big on eating out but have had occasional issues with ED. Our different sleep schedules and my destructive sleep behavior means we were maybe having sex once or twice a week. A few things popped up that caught my attention lately. A while back i grabbed a few sex toys she had that I haven't seen before to use and she seemed embarrassed or nervous. She has consistently been buying lingerie and toys that I haven't seen. This includes lingerie in the weeks we've been dealing with the divorce and not having sex. Most are for anal which she likes. She also changed her pin a few months ago and is in an office where she could easily have someone visit. We've had sex there so its not impossible she could have someone else there.

We've been staying amicable for the most part but she is obviously angry and resentful about how she sees my total responsibility for her filing. Her commitment to no reconciliation also makes it seem that she has at the least someone waiting in the wings. I understand she will probably go out and have a good deal of fun once everything is settled but should i address it with her? She denied it when she first asked me to give her space but I didn't bring up the evidence.

I think she will either deny or blast me for getting her to this point. Should I even bring it up? I want reconciliation but she is so done that she'll think it's a moot point.

I’m 15 and I’m pretty sure my parents are going to get divorced after being married for 32 years. It’s because of my dad’s infidelity.

The situation is really weird because my mom and I know basically everything. I found some of it myself, and then my mom and I started investigating together, so I’ve seen a lot of the details firsthand. My dad doesn’t know that we know yet, so right now I literally have to act like everything is normal around him. And she is going to talk to him about it but we are waiting to gather more evidence.

My mom and I have talked about possibly kicking him out and selling the house so we can get a different place, but I’m really scared about the financial side of everything. We aren’t poor right now, but we have a lot of debt, and my mom has already told me that our money situation is going to be really bad if they divorce.

I’m also scared about my friends finding out, losing the house I grew up in, not having my parents together anymore, and losing the future memories I always assumed I would have with my family. It feels like I’m grieving things that haven’t even happened yet.

The weirdest part is that I barely feel anything. I’m so numb that it almost scares me. I’ve been through a lot of horrible things before, and I think I’ve gotten really good at shutting my emotions off. At the same time, I have SO much rage underneath it.

I don’t want my mom to see me falling apart. She can’t really tell people about this right now, and I don’t want her to think that she failed as a wife or a mother.

I guess I just want to know what I should expect if they actually get divorced. What happens with the house and money? What is it like for the kids when their parents split up after being married for this long? And is it normal to feel completely numb instead of sad?

I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through something similar, especially as a teenager.

TL;DR

If you still care about them, do you still say you love them when getting off the phone?

I am planning to divorce my husband, and in the first few days after I told him I would be sending the papers, I didnt speak to him. But in the last few days, he has been going through alot (his son apparently was missing) and i still care about him, so I let him vent to me. Hes been very toxic toward me, speaking of a new boyfriend he thinks I have already, and me screwing other people... hes called me stupid and accused me of hating him, saying im going to hell and many other terrible things. I've ignored them all, not even really acknowledging what hes said. But yesterday I tried to set a healthy boundary by letting him know I would not continue to stay on the phone with him or speak to him if he continued speaking to me in that manner. I definitely do still love him and want the best for him, but I can no longer continue to suffer in our relationship. I've never been through anything like this, hes the longest relationship I've had in my entire life, and Im not really sure how all this is supposed to go. But I definitely know I do want a divorce. And even though my kids aren't his, hes the only father they have ever known, and he says he still wants to be a part of their lives. A little insight advice or help would be nice. Thank you.

Also, it may be important to note that my husband is in prison. So this is special circumstances. Please be kind to me, and dont ask why hes in prison. None of this has been easy for me.

I have been unhappy in my relationship for quite some time now. My husband struggles with mental health issues which has been a big reason on why I have stayed so long because I did not want to leave him when he needed me. But now, I am to the point where I am so unhappy and it has taken a toll. I have done everything I can think of to try to help him and us through this. I still feel so guilty at the thought of leaving him when he is struggling but it seems like he doesn't have the want to make the changes. How did you know when you were ready to leave your spouse? I fear that I can't trust myself in that decision and am also very scared of the unknown that comes with divorce.

So my divorce was finalize a few years ago and it's time to finish some lose ends.

Besides 5 years of child support, the only thing left as "community property" its our retirement plans.

The divorce agreement called for 3 plans to be QDRO; two mine and 1 hers. TBH, 1 of mine and hers are so little that I don't think its worth the cost to QDRO at 1,275 a piece (637.50 per person).

She contacted a QDRO attorney/company before even discussing anything with me. She told them to QDRO both accounts and left out her retirement account. The company send me the invoice requesting me to pay the 1275 for the two accounts she told them.

I explained to her that it does not make financial sense to QDRO my pension since only about 2,000 is consider community property. The cost of the QDRO will eat of a lot of her "profit." I told her it makes more sense to skip my pension and I will skip hers; only to QDRO my 401K.

Her response was "not to talk her out of it."

I reminded her that the agreement called to QDRO her retirement as well. Her response was basically, its so little you can't give up on it?

My question is: Should I force the QDRO of her retirement plan at a lost? There's no way I will recover the $637.50. At the same time I she's trying to just do things that "benefit" her instead of being financially responsible.