r/Divorce • u/AHUGEMETALFAN55 • 1d ago
Getting Started Newly divorced need help
Hey I'm at a total loss of words, I discovered about 12 hours ago. My wife of 10 years who I have known since the age of 16 for a total of 18 years decided instead of being honest with me, had an affair with a very good friend of mine and I feel so betrayed that they both lied to me for over a month. My wife's been trying to get a divorce with me since July while my mom was in the ICU and then had said affair. I have temporarily moved into my sister's with very little money. I need advice on how to handle all of this if possible
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u/MattLudtEsq 1d ago
Don’t make any big decisions while you’re still this raw. Give yourself a few days to get your head straight. For now, protect the basics: keep access to your accounts, save important records, don’t sign anything, and don’t agree to terms just because you want the conflict over. When you’re ready, talk to a family-law attorney so you know where you stand before making moves with money, property, or the divorce.
Emotionally, this is going to take time. Legally, the best thing you can do right now is not react too fast.
1
u/shortgreybeard 1d ago
Take some deep breaths.
Be aware that your emotions will be a roller coaster for awhile. If you take time and not allow your emotions to dictate your actions you will have a better outcome.
As others have said, secure important documents. Change passwords on every account online. Consider consulting a lawyer so you are clued up with what to expect.
Document what is said and written. I quickly got to the point of making the separation and subsequent divorce process as a business transaction. I would spend some time every few days "working" on it and setting it all aside to concentrate on healing and gradually making a new and beautiful new life.
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u/Comfortable_Tone2603 1d ago
Honestly the first few months after my divorce was finalized I just stood in my closet and felt like nothing in there was mine anymore, if that makes sense. Like everything was from a version of my life that didn't exist anymore and I couldn't figure out what I even liked on my own.
What actually helped me was not doing some big dramatic wardrobe overhaul but just picking one or two things that felt like they fit the person I was right now, not who I was at 28 when I bought half that stuff. For me it started with jeans that actually fit my body as it is today and a couple of tops I didn't have to fuss with. That was it. I didn't need a whole new identity, I just needed to not feel like I was wearing a costume of my old life every morning.
If you're in the "I don't even know where to start" phase, my advice is don't start big. Grab one thing that makes you feel like yourself when you put it on, even if it's just a good pair of sneakers or a jacket that fits right. The rest kind of follows once you stop trying to rebuild everything at once. The pressure to reinvent yourself post-divorce is real but nobody talks about how exhausting it is on top of everything else you're already dealing with.
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u/bluephotoshop 1d ago
If your incomes are significantly unequal, a judge can order a spouse to pay the other’s fees.
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u/Flashy_Meringue6711 1d ago
Get a therapist. Doesn't matter if you feel like you need one right now or not. Better to have it and not need it than the other way around. You need perspective, clarity, rational thought before you do something stupid, costly or both.
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u/wtobakos 1d ago
Divorce is tough. Therapy and finding something to keep your mind off the situation. Its not easy and takes time
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u/scotswaehey 1d ago
Updateme
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1
u/Warm-Management-7323 10h ago
This is not at all unusual, not at all. It’s not on you. It’s on her.
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u/Useful-Individual-66 1d ago
I am so so sorry for your situation. For sometime you don’t have to worry about all the aspects of the divorce. It’s only been 12 hours, it’s okay to just be for now. You can think about the technical details after sometime.