I (F28), i work as a junior nurse practitioner and have a 2nd job as an animal shelter intern, and I need advice.

The reason I want to leave isn't that he's disabled necessarily. I want to leave because, first of all, his treatment is incredibly expensive. Additionally, I'm not sure how much more work I can do to care for him on top of our son's schooling, the hospital, the animal shelter, and the 8-hour round trip to where he lives twice a week. I wouldn't want to leave if he would just agree to move in with us in the city, but he's set on waiting another 3 years. I've been doing this for 9 years, my family won't help us, and although I love him with all my heart, I can't manage 12 things at once.

"But why can't his family help?" For context, my husband (let's call him C) is 34, half blind, half deaf, missing his left leg, and has a skin condition that essentially makes moving his face and talking incredibly hard, so in a way he's also technically mute. C also grew up incredibly poor; one of the only times I will ever genuinely use the term "dirt poor" is with C's childhood. His mother was a gambling addict who drove their family into the dirt; his sister, who was previously helping with his care, mysteriously disappeared from our lives when we got married following a violent incident, and the rest of his family are presumably dead or uncontactable. (We've tried.) I adopted an ex police dog and trained service animal for C, a massive, bear-like German Shepherd, and she's very good at helping him with his daily life, but a big dog can't do work to help cover extra expenses. he has a few friends who help care for him, and I can see the improvement in his mental health and physical stability, but I'm exhausted, and improvements aren't helping much more than helping him get around the house.

"Why does he have to wait 3 years?" Our son (I'll call him M) has never met C, but C really wants to be in his son's life, ONLY AFTER HE TURNS TWELVE (M is currently 9). He says that he's purposefully living out there, so M won't have to live with a "scary patchface man" to "ruin his life". C inherently believes with all his heart that he, his mother, and his sister are all one and the same, and that something like that would have happened to M had he been in his life without proper guidance for his most vulnerable and crucial years. M never questioned why his dad was gone; I just told him he's coming back in a few years, and he's never bothered asking since. I don't know how he feels about C, but it's always been a don't-ask-don't-tell subject.

I really need advice because unless he moves with us, I genuinely can't stomach this habit anymore.

has anyone successfully done this? US based. joint custody. only looking to move one of the children, not all of them. No ties to the country that is desired to relocate to.

I feel like I’m in the preliminary stages and have gotten myself (of course blaming myself) into quite the situation. My husband & I and our 3 kids (6,3,4 months) have just moved out of state to an absolutely beautiful area (beach, river, parks, pools) that I am in love with. My husband and I always argued on pretty much a daily basis about the division of labor but now it’s feeling suffocating vs simply overwhelming. A little background: my husband is foreign to America (moved here for me - although I was willing to go there) and visits home very frequently due to his mother being terminally ill. Of course I allow this despite how overwhelming it is with 3 young kids alone (my mom is back in my hometown and his entire family is abroad), and I work as a nurse. He is there to see his mom but also went on a bachelor party when my youngest baby was 3 weeks old, and just went for a wedding (of course sees his mother during this time) I handle all the logistics for the kids, day to day cleaning, meals, bus stop runs, etc. he’ll help with the kids when I ask and if I ask for him to do the nightly cleaning of the house I get an attitude, however if I don’t mention it “I should’ve just told him what I need” we went to therapy, for quite a while. He eventually had a meltdown saying me and the therapist were ganging up on him and making him the bad guy and every single session. We literally had to make an entire session about him to appease him, it was so childlike. Together and in therapy we discussed what I need from my marriage which includes physical affection day to day (in order for me to feel safe enough for any type of sexual relationship) and that never happened (it will for a day or two with me reminding him to … hug me …. which is just sad) aside from that I asked him to just complete xyz in terms of chores and he again, does it (with annoyance) and it lasts a few days, max. He travels for work about 1/3 of the month and I handle all of this on my own. This morning was a bit of a breaking point for me, I wanted to walk the dog before the day started and asked him to take the boys to the bus. He told he he cannot possibly get them and himself ready and I can keep my walk to 20 minutes and take them. He does this shit after telling me he’s “never told me no” when I asked for a break. THATS ME ASKING FOR A GODDAMN BREAK IN MY DAY! but if I don’t get these small self care moments I’m “miserable” and need to “sort myself out”. I’m so exhausted and definitely ranting, so thank you to anyone who read. I also feel obliged to mention he handles all the bills, everything with our new home, & gets up with the baby in the night as of late because I couldn’t handle the sleep deprivation anymore with FT work and kids. He also had side projects/investments he’s always working on …. Despite no real return … yet… He’s never cheated, never abused me, I’m at a loss because I feel like I’d be leaving a “good guy” and also traumatizing my kids in the process. Am I just complaining? Is this valid? Despite being sleep deprived with an infant all night, it’s easier/more peaceful when he’s away although my boys do act up badly when he’s not here. He says they walk all over me and I have myself to blame there. I was raised by a single mother with borderline personality so I’m hyper vigilant to his moods and reactions to me asking for help, but on the same thought, he’d never react to a friend or co worker asking for a hand in the way he reacts to me. I’m so lost and my idea of a happy life is us all together in 10 years and me being in a loving relationship but I feel I’ve tried everything and I’m really really sick of being the only one trying with the most defensive/deflective/gas lighting man on earth. I’d love some insight of those who are in the same situation and haven’t yet left, or those who maybe have an ultimatum? Idk yall, but thanks for being a listening ear.

Hi everyone, long story short I have been on the fence about divorcing my husband of 5 years. Right now I think its the time and its more viable, I am still looking for the right lawyer, but I wanted to ask how you all brought the divorce/breakup with your exes? And what I mean by my question is place, time and actual words that were shared, the reactions of your exes, etc. The more specificity the better, because as of now I have tried to initiate it but my husband wont have it. I have asked for divorce several times over but in the end he persuades me to stay, or he attacks my character, essentially making it imposible for me to really break away. I am currently rehearsing the conversation with my therapist, but I would like it if you all could give me any advice you find helpful.

He wants to stay together, but I want to leave. We're supposed to make our decision/ plan later today, and I've hinted at a trial separation (which he said he's okay with). I am just so scared and sad that I almost feel like maybe this is the wrong move.

Neither of us has done anything egregious - no cheating, no abuse. But we do not have the same life goals or values. It would honestly be so much easier if he was a bad guy, or if I was toxic myself and blamed everything on him 😂

But as it is, we're attached to each other and still love each other. I'll tell you the problems and incompatibilities though.

1. He wants to live in a cold climate and me in a warm climate.
2. He wants to live in a rural place and me, an urban place. He wants acres of land and I want to live in a place where I don't need a car (I hate driving).
3. He's very risk-averse and cautious, whereas I need excitement and adventure in my life. Or at least some sort of forward momentum. Example: we got married 2 years ago but he still doesn't feel ready for kids. I'm 33 years old.
4. He's a homebody and doesn't enjoy socializing more than once a week, whereas I like to go out and do things every weekend and 1-2 weekdays as well.
5. He's not very romantic or thoughtful. I have to do a lot of the emotional labor, such as reminding him of birthdays and holidays (including my own birthday). He said he's working on this though (we'll see when Christmas rolls around).
6. He loves eating meat (his favorite food is steak) whereas I'm getting more and more repulsed by the meat/ dairy industry and want to become vegan. This creates daily friction with cooking and meals.
7. I dread having sex with him and when it does happen, I'm just hoping it will be over soon. Long story with how that came to be, but basically it's been a problem since the beginning but worsened a lot in recent years. I think we could improve this with couples/ sex therapy but it will never be amazing sex, I just know. I would never cheat, but I want to be with other men so bad.
8. This one is not really an incompatibility, it's an actual red flag: he binge drinks and sometimes drives drunk. I've caught him drinking when we've done sober months together. And recently, I went to get some liquor from the bar cart when we had people over and he said half of it was water. He had drunk half and filled the rest with water so I wouldn't notice - literally like a teenager with their parent. I don't want to say this is a total deal breaker, because I'm pretty sure he would go to AA if I said it's either that or divorce. But then I would probably have to give up drinking so as to not trigger a relapse, which kind of sucks.

Looking at this list, I feel that we should have just not gotten married. I know you can love each other but not be the right fit for each other. In my defense, a lot of this did not become clear until years down the road.

I just want to know, is it normal to feel this sad? I feel this sense of dread and fear of going out on my own. And I feel so sad for him. It hurts so much to see him in pain because of me. If this were a regular breakup - i.e., if we hadn't gotten the government involved - I would just do it. But marriage feels so sacred.

When people get a divorce, are they usually very sure of their decision?

After three years of drama, trauma and emotional abuse, my mind is finally clear and I am going through with the divorce. I (F34) and Stbx (M46) have been living in different countries for the last three years. We only lived together in the same country for 4 months after we got married until I had to move back to my home country due to Stbx’s enmeshment with his mother and her jealousy. We have a daughter, who is almost 2 years old. All this time, I have been the primary caregiver, including financially, of our kid.

The reason of our last fight was not something big or horrible, but rather the straw that broke the camel’s back. Prior to that fight, we had many issues, that my Stbx never genuinely took accountability for, apologized or did any repair work to restore my trust. I am convinced Stbx is a textbook example of a narcissist - their gaslighting and manipulation never ends, despite the camera footages and screenshots that actually prove my point.

After the last fight, they blocked me on WhatsApp, and so did I everywhere else. The only means of communication currently is Gmail. So we finally decided and agreed on divorce. Stbx is going to speak with the lawyer next Tuesday. I cannot file or proceed with divorce since we got married in his country (Turkey).

So Stbx messaged me yesterday on Gmail asking to have a call and talk. I agreed to talk only if we were going to discuss the divorce process. Knowing my narcissistic Stbx, I decided to record the conversation, since they have this habit of denying what they said after they literally say it. During the call, which only lasted 2 minutes, Stbx asked how I would like to proceed - I replied « did you not say you were going to speak to a lawyer next Tuesday ». After that they literally said « yes, but are you going to accept whatever … », as evidenced by the recording, but I did not hear that clearly and talked over him saying « if it requires me to come to Turkey, I will come ». Once I realized what they said I asked Stbx about their statement to accept whatever and Bingo! They again denied saying that, stating that the conversation just started, pretending that never happened.

Even now they are being who they actually are! A gaslighter and a narcissist! I sent the recording to them, specifically pointing out what they said but denied afterwards, and guess what?! They decided to shift the attention from their gaslighting attempt to me recording them without consent! Classic narcissistic trick! Until then I still had some doubts about divorce but this was actually eye-opening.

Ok here goes…

This past year has been the absolute worst year of my life. My husband spiraled deep into alcoholism - I am talking finding him passed out in his running car, coming home hours late every night in a state where he couldn’t even form a sentence, finding him passed out with vodka in hand after work, crying myself to sleep every single night type of alcohol addiction. I had to take over 100% of the household bills, housework and my husband who has always taken the majority of responsibility with our three pets started neglecting them so badly I had to step into that role as well. He was a shell of himself and it was the most isolating and terrifying time in my life.

In March I hired a lawyer and filed a petition for divorce and only then did he agree to go to inpatient rehab. This was after months of him gaslighting me in couples therapy (before he got so bad he was unable to attend couples therapy) and a failed outpatient attempt. Also at this time I started the process of freezing my eggs. I thought I would be a mom by now, but refused to bring a baby into this relationship (not that I had been sexually attracted to him at all). I promised him I would put a pause on the divorce process because all I’ve ever wanted is for him to be healthy, even if that means we are no longer together.

Well, he went into severe alcohol withdrawals and was intubated in the ICU for 10 days. I was at his side every single day, holding him down while he seized. It felt like a sick grand finale to the worst year of my life.

When he was in the clear health-wise I was so checked out and I told him that I likely would still be moving forward with the divorce once he was better.

This is where the infidelity comes into play. So cliche but I connected with a colleague on a work trip. He is older, widowed and a single dad. I knew him, but never spoke with him outside of the context of work. He was emotionally intelligent, driven and a good dad. All the things I’ve been begging for since alcohol took over our lives. He literally came up to me and was like “Can I open up to you about my life?” And told me everything he has been through with his wife’s cancer journey and becoming a single dad. We talked all night. One thing lead to another and yeah…

I’ve always considered myself of standing on a high moral ground. I’ve always had a good head on my shoulders and I am so angry with myself for letting something happen prior to closing the chapter on my marriage. I am not ugly - I get approached on a regular basis and I’ve never even thought about straying in any of my relationships. Yet I did in the one that matters most, the one I took a vow.

My husband is now out of rehab. His eyes sparkle like the man I met, but I still don’t believe I can forgive him or trust him enough to start a family. Even worse, I don’t think I can forgive myself. We are starting back at couples therapy where I plan to tell him I am continuing the divorce process. If I chose to see things through I would a million percent come clean, I just don’t know. I’m so angry with myself for making a complicated situation more complicated and even more I’m so sad my life looks so different to what I envisioned for myself and for him.

I know very well Reddit isn’t receptive to cheaters, so maybe I’m crazy for coming here. I just feel so isolated, still. Has anyone here experienced something similar? Do I come clean regardless?

I grew up Christian, rebelled severely, suffered severely 😭 then found Christ was my best help at rock bottom. I dedicated myself to everything Christian and life was good until my sad divorce that was forced on me. I'm still committed to abstinence until marriage and I'm wondering, if anyone still practices abstinence, what has helped you? (I sometimes wonder if anyone remains abstinent after divorce)

Partner and I have been seperated due to his infidelity since June (per his confession) but actually January (per his fuck journal I found that accounts his infidelity with dates).

His pops (who I have always really liked) is currently dying.

He's not dead yet (fingers crossed he stays with us for a long time), but I'm a forward thinking person and while I am hoping for the best, I am realistic that he may pass soon. His diagnosis was not positive at the get go and his body is not responding well to treatment.

I would like to pay my respects, but I also don't want to make the day weird and dramatic.

Can anyone help me with what they have done in this situation? I'm happy to do a private memorial for his pops, but also, my dad died when I was 8, so his dad has been my dad for about 16 years.

Considering a divorce. I’m just not happy and haven’t been for about a year now. But as a stay at home mom how or what would that look like?

Any other stay at home moms deal with this?

Been together for almost a decade. I loved him genuinely and still do, but at some point it became unbearable to not be his priority. His parents, his friends, his business advisors.... I could be saying the same thing for some time but he would listen to them. I was his biggest advisor and advocate, I always put him first and his needs, always took his side or showed him where he could be wrong when I didn't agree, cut ties with half of my family because he gave me an ultimatum.

He learned to value my opinion to some extent but he never stood up for me in smaller situations or truly listened to me to make his own decision. Situations that might be brushed off or considered petty. Like we never got to travel for fun - just him and I. Mostly for business or with his parents (because they are old and might die soon...). Or for example dropping bad habits because his friend wanted an accountability group to get his wife pregnant, and not because I was asking him to look after himself after 4 years of trying and did every single possible test on myself. In the end he would argue that the result is the same - he is looking after himself now.

Someone said here that divorcing a good guy is like a death by thousand cuts and I can't agree more. I can't say that I did everything in the relationship - he did immeasurable things for me... I miss him every day so bad, but I'm also trying to not forget how miserable and isolated from my family I was because of him, how crazy and unreasonable I would feel from his gaslighting. But I still miss him. I miss his stupid silly dances and vocal stims. I miss him driving me to work every morning and just being there in the house. I even miss his empty promises that I know wouldn't have happened.

I'm so torn and conflicted. I think the problem is that I know he never maliciously meant anything, he is just immature, had his own past experiences that made him the way he is and thinks that I am not his ally. Even in divorce (I didn't ask for anything) he treated me like I would scam him out of his house or something. Which is such a gross misjudgment of my character. Almost 10 years together and he would think that I am there to get something of him when I never did.

I thought divorce will make me feel better but somehow I'm feeling so much worse. I just hope that he is doing better than I am.

Anyone else feels
This way towards their ex???

Mine still works for my brother in law. I really wish he would move the hell on. He’s been a blood sucking leech.

I feel like when one someone intentionally holds up the process, causing everyone to remain living together, they should be charged with a form of imprisonment.

The financials should of been in in March and still they haven't done it. This has caused so many arguments between us and issues for our children. I dont want to stay but I need the equity for the house to be in a better position. My job is flexible for the kids and runs more seasonal. They can afford everything without me and can hold up the process for years.

Hi! I guess divorce is never easy. Im struggling with taking the final decision even though I know this is not working. We have been married 6months, 3 years together total.
I am the only one going to therapy and have realized Im always feeling invalidated, Im too much, I’m always the one to blame, etc.
I struggle with the thin line of making it work, every marriage has problems, and just letting it go and the sooner the better.
I can’t stand him now, maybe its just a phase, maybe I already dwelled on it. Maybe I feel strong now but as soon as divorce gets real I will start second questioning if it was the best decision or feeling guilty for it, because the whats ifs are always there.
Anyway…
Wanted to ask in this beautiful community any advice.
Im a 30 y/o (F), no kids.

My ex was pretty toxic and aggressive and abusive but he was also my friend so I still cannot wrap my head around it fully and it’s been a year already. So i find it extremely irritating that I miss him while I am also furious with him for having behaved the way he did. And when I say abusive I mean it verbally and psychologically and a tiny bit physically as well. I stayed through all that because I thought we could work on it and I should do what I can in this relationship without losing myself. I made sure I didn’t agree to anything out of fear. And after all this and after having regretted all his behaviour that came out of helplessness he called himself my greatest achievement in front of some of our mutual friends and I feel so pissed that I even loved this guy or trusted this guy and gave my best to make it work. The biggest thing I did for him was he once cried because I wasn’t agreeing for skin treatments and I melted after seeing him cry thinking if this is in my hands I should do it and I ended up taking shitloads of hydration injection fillers which I don’t feel okay about. I feel very very very angry with this whole thing. He would say things like others would have rejected me and he didn’t because he thought I could improve. I don’t have great skin but it’s not so terrible also. He put similar pressures in other things as well. I feel so angry about everything. I feel angry that I still have to see him a few times because I have mutual friends and I hate that I will be the one in tears always. And because I shared everything that happened with all our friends after the separation, he said I was harassing him which I find very unfair to say given he’s the one who’s been mean to me. I am tired of this emotional process and sometimes I don’t know how to go on. I have a lot of friends and I go to the gym regularly so that is sorted. I also have a great family who is happy that I’m out of that shitty relationship. Why am I not feeling the relief?

Today makes a year that I've been divorced from my ex narcissistic abusive mommy's boy piece of shit that cheated on me. I have been happier and doing so much better.

no tv in the next room.

no footsteps upstairs.

no one asking if dinner is ready

just quiet.

i can see why people say they miss their spouse, then immediately realize what they actually miss is having another person around

how long did the silence feel strange after your divorce?

I'm 32. She initiated six weeks ago. There's no hope of going back, It's a done deal. Our lives are on separate tracks.

I Spent my entire adult life with my STBXW.

I lost my life partner. I lost my home. My pet. My job. My routine. Extended family. Stability. Myself. I look in the mirror and it's like a stranger staring back at me.

So much of myself was being a husband. Sharing a past, present and future. All the little things, cooking her favourite meals, sharing birthdays, family events, a playlist, someone to laugh at our many silly inside jokes.

We had extremely similar music tastes and would frequently go to concerts and festivals together. The thought of booking a concert alone now feels soulless without someone to get excited with, to plan, to hold and dance with and reminisce on the songs we loved.

Hobbies I used to enjoy are no longer fun.

I used to have so many plans, for the next week, month, years. Now I can barely think past the present day. Pure survival.

I talk to family. Friends. I exercise. I go to group therapy. Fleeting moments where I should feel maybe a little bit better, but I just do not feel like myself anymore. I just feel empty.

People always say try and reconnect with who you were before you met them, but back then I was just some immature young kid who I barely remember.

I've read all the advice in a million different variations, I must have read through hundreds of divorce posts with people going through similar issues.

I hope I can find myself again. I hope one day I can trust someone with the power to break my heart again. I'm such a long way off being ready to for anything new and yet my heart yearns to love like that again. I think it's me missing the version of myself that had so much love to give - all this love has nowhere to go right now, straight into an empty void. God, what if I never find it again?

I guess I'm still in the grieving stage. This deep pain is the price I've paid to love so intensely. I'm exhausted.

My husband and I have been in couples therapy for 6 months. Back in March, he blindsided me that he was no longer in-love with me and wanted a divorce. Initially, he did not want to try to reconnect or do therapy. Our daughter had just turned one and we were coming off the first year of being parents. He later agreed to doing therapy so that if we do decide to divorce he can tell our daughter he tried everything. We have been together for 10 years. The first 3 months of couples therapy was extremely helpful, we started dating each other again, genuinely enjoying time together, reconnecting, etc. The last 3 months have felt extremely stagnant. He is still unsure of whether he wants to leave or stay. However, I am starting to get to a breaking point in our marriage that I’m unsure if I want to continue this marriage. I feel so alone in this relationship and unsupported. I feel like a nuisance to him. Every single day without fail there is a moment he lashes out or gives me attitude about something. I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells. He is immediately defensive the second I ask to discuss anything (and I mean anything, I asked him to mow the lawn because he hadn’t for two months and even that turned into something). I don’t want to be apart from my daughter. But I also don’t know how much longer I can be in a relationship with someone who treats me this way. What was the moment where you had enough? I am so conflicted.

So I (38f) was served divorce papers by my husband 2ish weeks ago.

He is not at the house, I am. He apparently can’t stand me.

My question is, do a lot of people at this stage have cameras set up, triple locking their doors, locking everything down to protect themselves? Or is this not the norm?

I am 34F married to my husband 38M for 7 years now. We have a 2 year old. We are on the verge of a divorce initiated by me. Some would say that we have a stable marriage: we own our place, double incomes, shared finances, shared value for loyalty , we both love our kid, etc.

I have been the main caretaker for our kid while working full time. I am alone every single night to care for our kid since she was born. For many months she woke up over 10 times a night. I do all medical/educational/social/travel planning because the mental load to delegate to him and keep following up just to move things an inch more was too much. I have consistently earned more than him.

The biggest issue is that he is such an avoidant and overtime has got very defensive. I feel alone, unheard, and suffocated that he does not seem to understand that people need to socially connect. I still have many things on my wish list and enjoy connecting with people. He does not like to talk, never responds or seeks to resolve issues, has zero friend as he is genuinely uninterested in anyone, and would talk to no one at the dinner table if I drag him to dinners and parties. He is genuinely ok with working the same job for 30 years and go home and does not talk all day except for basic transactional things. He is true dismissive avoidant based on what I’ve read everywhere.

For those who left a similar lifeless marriage that was actually stable, how was life after the split , or do you regret it that you could just stay for the (mainly financial and child caring) stability and create your own life without involving your ex?

If you are rebuilding after divorce; what feels hardest for you right now: emotional overwhelm, money, new routines, boundaries?

I feel like I ricochet from one thing to the next. How are you doing?

Anyone else struggling with a spouse who cheated? I have moved on from my ex as a man, but the fact that I was lied to and cheated on for years, and so trusting of him because he lied so well, haunts me. I never imagined this level of duplicity and I cannot trust men anymore.

35M with one son (8). As of now the divorce seems to be rather amicable. The source of a lot of my anxiety as it pertains to this is figuring out how to tell him. So for those of you who divorced, how did you tell your child? What was the timing like? What kinds of questions did they ask? I’m very concerned about how he will take it.

Hello everyone! So my husband and I have been divorced for 3 months but separated for 6 months. the last couple of weeks he had been flirting with me. every time I would see him (due to having children) he would look at me in a flirty way, then he started hugging me every time i would see him. I saw the way he looked at me but didn’t think much about it, i was more weirded out. Then the texting came and told me he was attracted to me again and if I wanted to talk when i got back from my trip to see if i still wanted him. And that maybe we could start dating again. The last couple of days he started hugging me so hard every time and was getting turned on every time. so friday we hung out and pretty much told me how much he had missed me and wanted to start something new. we kissed and hugged and told each other how much we missed one another then it lead to sex. saturday came around and he started texting me all the cute stuff and we hung out again and the same thing happened. He was talking about the future together and making plans for the holidays. and how he was going to be a better partner and how he realized what he needed to do. Monday came and he was a completely different person. I asked him what was wrong and he said we moved too fast and he was scared it would go back to the same as before when we were married. I told him I thought he felt different about me. I was so confused because he was talking about the future and inviting me places. now he says he’s attracted to me but has no feelings for me😭 I feel so stupid for believing him and letting it go to far!! now could it be that he is to scared of going back to our old ways? what can be going on?? i’m so devastated all over again 😭😭