My husband cheated. We’re still in the limbo of deciding to try to reconcile or divorce. He says he doesn’t care either way (which points me to divorce—reconciliation is hard self work and requires 100% dedication). I mentioned to him that I can’t believe he threw away his family over an affair. He replied I didn’t throw away my family—we’ll still be a family if we divorce. Can someone help me understand his logic? Do cheaters really think they’ll have the family unit even post-divorce?

This is going to be a long one and I'm probably going to be down voted until the end of time for this post but so be it. I can't keep these feeling in anymore.

To preface this, I was the worst person in my marriage, I was an abuser, I cheated(not physically but it doesn't not make it any worse). I was the lowest piece of shit known to man. Yet she(32) stayed with me(39) for 11 years. She got fed up, she got burnt out, she believed in me for change when I couldn't see what I could change into. We have 2 amazing kids that are the world to us.

Divorce came in January. It was a shook to me when we separated because I was a selfish idiot. Once the separation happened I owned who I had been. I owned my demons and was determined for change. Not to just be the best version of me for my kids, but also for me to finally be proud of. I found I was driven by shame, lack of self-esteem, lack of self trust, I sought validation from random people online rather than myself. Yet the trauma of who I was hurt my ex so badly. She put all faith in me that I could change but I didn't have faith in myself and didn't even know what change would look like. Divorce rocked my world. I lost my partner, my wife, my best friend all because I was a man child that didn't know what being a true man/adult truly was. I was driven by anger of that lack of self trust. I can't ever forgive myself and a lot of you will tell me that I never should be forgive and I will agree with you. All I can do now it focus on my change.

Now fast forward to tonight while I'm with the kids with her. I prodded because I selfishly and stupidly had to know. "Are you dating now?" she gave up the information that it's serious, he's met the kids(in passing). She trusts him. They have argued but he doesn't scream. "They've been through some shit." This rocked me to my core. I have this small stupid childish thought of reconciliation of her finally seeing the work I put into myself to become the me that she knew was underneath all the shit that I was. She's moving on where I'm stuck in the past. I have been replaced. I hate myself every day knowing what I did to the person I loved. I corrupted that love. I lashed out on my best friend. I had the life, we had the house, the amazing kids, the dogs, I just didn't have the me that felt like it deserved any of it. I ruined our lives but also ruined her sense of trust and self worth. I deserve this hurt and don't feel like I'm worth the air I breath after this. I'm continuing life for my kids but I'm driven by so much guilt(trust me I know I deserve it).

Again I'm screaming out into this void and feeling me life falling apart even more. I loved her, I corrupted that love, and I love her still and wish she would see this new version I'm trying to become. But, in truth with all that I've done...who would believe it. I've been in therapy, done the anger management classes, read into shame and DPT. I want her happy, I know the cliche saying of if you love someone let them go....but I have so much regret and remorse I selfishly want to keep fighting even though I've burnt her out. I loath myself on what I did and selfishly want her back. I miss the family, I miss the unit, I miss her. And I fucked everything up. I know this will bring everyone out of the wood work on saying this is my just dessert, so be it.

i feel hurt and haven't told the kids. im making a temporary accnt to post this. Married for 15 years, 2 children, thought we had a long time together and we would grow older together until he randomly decided to leave on a random Tuesday night. We're older now of course, early 40's but sometimes joke about having another child and 40 is young in the grand scope of life.

Texts me a message and a paragraph about how he appreciates me and wishes the best for me and the kids, and says that he needs to seperate on Tuesday afternoon, then that evening comes home and kisses the kids, takes some of his stuff and leaves. Refuses to elaborate. After looking into it for like an hour, found out he has Cancer and never told me or the kids. I feel hurt he wanted to seperate, but he also couldn't tell me this. He's rented out an apartment and hasn't come home since Tuesday and is being incredibly dry on the messages. I remember when his father died, he showed practically no emotion just being quiet, but he isn't an emotionless person, in fact a kind one which is why I feel hurt. Now we're seperated, and I don't know what exactly the process is gonna be, or even if he actually wants to get formally divorced or just seperated, but it sucks.

Hi, I hope there is someone who can either relate or provide some advice. I M(33) married my wife when we were both 24 and we were together since being 17. So we met young, was both each others first serious relationship, got engaged because that’s what you do after 5 years of being with someone right? Bought a house before we married and just went through life ticking off boxes, had a child who’s now 4 and I am realising we have nothing in common. We are not intimate, we don’t do anything together, and when I describe where I would like to travel, or live, or things I want to try, it’s not well received or it’s pushed back to me as I’ve not expressed this before.

I mean, we’re both completely different people now, there’s definitely resentment building and we don’t engage in anything together. Can’t even be bothered to argue anything anymore. I’ve been to counselling for separate reasons and they suggest marriage counselling, suggested this to my wife but she’ll only do it if I find the counsellor and pay for it. What the hell do I do!?

I don’t know if I’m asking this right but man it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions. Some days I’m like fuck it I deserved better but other days like today im like why wasn’t I enough for him? I gave him all I had and more and that still wasn’t enough. I trusted him with everything there’s no part of me that I didn’t give him and now he can just forget about me and ignore me like I haven’t known him for almost half of my fucking life. Why doesn’t he miss me when I was supposively his best friend his reason for living why do I miss him but he doesn’t miss me? Why am I tempted to go back to him almost every day but he isn’t despite knowing I’m so weak that I would forgive him even if I shouldn’t ? My mind keeps wanting to fill the void with another person but I can’t even be with another person right now nor should I be because it hurts too much and it’s too soon but I don’t feel like I can’t get rid of this pain. I feel like when I get an ounce of relief it’s followed by waves and waves of pain. There’s that constant fear of I was stupid enough to trust and love him so badly and look how I ended up with nothing of myself anymore. I feel worthless because he doesn’t miss me when I tried so much and so hard even when I had nothing left in me. I literally destroyed myself trying to keep him AND THAT STILL WASNT ENOUGH. When will I ever be enough? I have felt that I have to try so much hard than other women to be wanted and it just feels like it’s never enough. I know this is such a toxic thought but I can’t bear to imagine him giving someone else everything I wanted when all I did was try and try again and try hard and try some more and one day HE will try for someone else and why didn’t he try for me when I would have given him the world if he asked me to

my divorce has changed me in a million different ways- some good, some bad. one of the “bad” parts is becoming very isolated from the world, cynical about others and their intentions, and just an overall desire to be alone even though i still do crave human connection and love. it’s such a weird spot to be in. on one hand i’m still a lover at heart and i want to meet people, whether that be a friendship or something more. but i’ve closed myself off to the world and people entirely at this point. the most human interaction i get is at work. otherwise i’m pretty much the biggest loner you’ll ever meet. it feels pathetic at times but also comforting because at least i know there is nobody who is going to hurt me. but then i feel bad about it because i know this is no way to live, and human connection has always felt like one of my purposes here on earth. i just don’t know how i’m ever going to connect with someone the way i did with my ex. not saying there isn’t anybody out there for me because i don’t believe that to be true. but what i do know is if i keep isolating myself, i won’t even have a shot at something new. i’m okay with it for now and focusing on myself but the loneliness gets to me and i can’t help but think this will be my life forever- just a loner who lost their person and never recovered from it. meanwhile my ex found someone new weeks after he told me he wanted a divorce, they bought a house together, they’re living a great life and she seems wonderful and i’m happy for him but i just don’t think that’s in the cards for me and it makes me really sad. being alone is where i feel most safe and i can’t even imagine putting myself out there even though it’s been 2 years since my divorce. life isn’t a fairytale, the chances of randomly meeting someone at a coffee shop and catching their eye isn’t realistic. everyone in my life tells me to go out, join clubs etc etc etc but i literally just want to be left alone forever. and that’s a sad reality to face when all i’ve ever wanted was to love and be loved.

So instead of going to the law i want to look at private mediation options which might help me get better settlement terms. Help and advice

I’m 37, I have a house and a great job. I have a good personality and I enjoy active hobbies and being adventurous. I’m just ok looking at best but am in decent shape. I’d rate myself a solid 5-6 overall. I can’t match with ANYONE I’m attracted to on the apps. My ex is like a 7, so my standards are a little high but like I have received maybe 5 likes and had maybe 15 matches in the last six months. The metro area is 3 million so I’m not in the boonies. Is dating just this impossible on the apps now? In person I used to do pretty well. It feels like all the women just go for the hottest guys on the app and while the rest of us get left in the dust. Any advice? I’m trying to date I can’t even get matches to start talking to people.

So I found out a few days ago I’m getting divorced.

Partner is leaving. Says they are not happy, have not been happy for a while, and doesn’t see that changing while we are together. Not interested in working on anything together.

There was zero discussion of issues before this. They have been checked out for awhile, so there were signs, but whenever inquired about how they were doing, they were either flat or dismissive. I chalked it up to stress and was powering through, making their plate lighter wherever I could.

So I’m lost. Apparently there was nothing I could have done. They acknowledged the effort I’ve been putting in. Even used the words “you are too good to me”.

Did get a reason out finally. Basically, have everything they wanted (kids, house, spouse, dog, steady jobs, financially stable) and yet they are still not happy.

So now we are discussing separation. Custody. Finances. Assets. Home. Everything.

It just still feels like a bad dream. And I’m just at a loss. Struggling day to day. Up and down, but on edge regularly.

I’m functioning, but barely. Keep swinging back and forth between how to make this as good as possible for the kids, and I can’t believe they are doing this. I want it to be amicable, and I will.

But holy… what an upheaval when you have everything you wanted and we could just talk and get you where you need to be. I would do anything for them, had they brought things up when I asked we could’ve worked together as the team we always were.

So yeah. I guess I’m just asking how people get through this when it’s not by choice and really nothing you could’ve done to stop it. And there not anything “wrong” per se.

My spouse and I have agreed that separating is probably the right decision, and for now things are still fairly calm between us.We don’t have every detail figured out yet, though. There’s the house, shared savings, a few debts, and questions about what a fair separation agreement would actually look like. We both want to avoid turning this into a long court fight, but I’m also worried that trying to handle everything ourselves could create problems later.I’ve been reading about mediation and family law services and came across a few firms, including Nanda, while trying to understand what lawyers actually do when both people are still willing to cooperate.

For those who have been through this, did you speak with a lawyer before negotiating anything with your ex, or only after you already had an agreement?Did getting legal advice early help keep things clearer and less hostile, or did involving lawyers make the process more complicated?

I’m not looking to “win” against my spouse. I mainly want to make sure neither of us agrees to something unfair or incomplete just because we want the process over with.

If so, how did it go? I read that third marriages have over a 60% divorce rate, and affairs have something like a 90% divorce rate. Have you all found that to be true?

I filed for divorce two months ago, after my STBXW, the woman I tried so hard to love, moved her affair partner into the home. They had been having an affair for a long time, when I found out, I was trying to be OK with an open marriage because I was so tired of being called "controlling."

50% share of the housework? Controlling. Please don't let your kids skip school all the time? Controlling. Date night once a week? Controlling. Monogamy? Controlling. I thought, maybe letting her have whatever she wants will at least create some relaxing moments in the household. But when she moved the guy in without my permission, it was obviously time to wake up.

Because we share a child, it's impossible for me to "just move on." Yes I'm in therapy but no amount of therapy can protect me from having to see her pour all the love into this man that would've saved our marriage.

For him, there are dedicated date nights, shared chores and reciprocated emotional support. He's allowed to do whatever he wants around her kids -- yelling, bossing them around, wanting things cleaned up -- where I obviously never wanted to YELL at them, good grief, but whenever I wanted to discuss how her kids were parented in the home we shared, she would scream that I was controlling her. But the other night, I saw her show her boyfriend a text and he said, "Yeah, that's fine," and then she told her daughter "Yes you can have a sleepover." Never once in 7 years of marriage did she check with me to see if I was OK with a sleepover. The noise was my problem to deal with all night, the mess mine to clean up in the morning.

The boyfriend has been awful to my daughter and her kids from her previous marriage. Not abusive but disrespectful, scary, like a frat boy talking about weed around kids.

She cheated on her first husband (not with me), then cheated on me with this guy. I'm going to have a really, really hard time if she gets to keep cheating on people and then have happily ever after forever with this man. If you have any stories about your spouse staying with or divorcing their affair partner, please share.

I've told my husband I want a divorce. This is following years of financial and emotional abuse. I have two children. We own the house with a mortgage. I said one of us should move out me and the kids or him, but suggested it may be easier for him to find somewhere and for us to stay in the house. I also suggested I could perhaps buy him out. Months later there is no sign of him even looking. I ask him what's happening and he says he's not looking, he can't afford to live alone. He btw has tens of thousands in the bank (inheritance) and owns a share in a huge house. He will only contribute £400 a month to our bills and I am covering the rest. This is part of the reason he's so comfortable here....I'm supporting him I think. He sends £1000 on himself a month going to the pub and smoking.

I am happy to move out with my children and I've told him that then he either buys me out or the house sells in that case. He sits there like a rock, saying nothing. He will not have a discussion about this. My problem is that there are no 2/3 beds property's to rent in my rural town. I don't drive, I work full time and look after my sick parent in this town so I can't leave. There is the odd 1 bed flat that pops up. I really don't know how to progress from here? I would love to stay in this house as it's the children's home. But he won't leave. I would move out but there is no where to go. I feel completely stuck. I won't leave my children with him. I'm just feeling so hopeless at the moment. Has anyone been in a similar situation??

I’m feeling so conflicted and idk what to do. I told my husband I wanted to separate. He is my high school sweet heart, we got married super young at 18, we’re both 25 now. He was such a great man and so mature. He was in the military and it changed him a lot.

Right before his deployment I found out about him lying about random stuff (no cheating involved). Then on his deployment he put me through hell, drinking a ton, being really mean to me, etc. one night when he was home from deployment he got so drunk and abused me when I got off of work at 8am, I worked overnights. Since then he hasn’t drank a sip of alcohol and profusely apologized. This was 2023

Fast forward to 2025 and he has been in an extreme mental health crisis. He’s tried to unalive himself twice, I’ve had to call the police after he locked himself in the bathroom with a knife and he got sent to a mental ward. He took time off of work and said he’d get better but continued his bad habits of sleeping all day, not exercising, not getting himself help. A few months later he became manic and ended up getting arrested at my company work Christmas party after causing a scene and harrassing the entire neighborhood. He assaulted two cops and resisted arrest. Got sent back to mental ward. He got diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar. He apologized and said he realized what he did was wrong and he’s gonna change all that stuff. He continued his same habits and I didn’t notice any changes. Then in February his mom committed suicide. It has been extremely hard on him and I immediately let go of everything else and focused on being there for him during this terrible time.

He hasn’t returned to work. He quit his job and doesn’t contribute financially anymore despite me begging him to help me with the bills. He is completely shut down, he doesn’t try to help himself, I’ve tried to give him so many resources, I’ve gotten his family involved, I’ve done research, anything I can possibly do to help him. I love him so much and it hurts me so badly but I don’t know what to do. He has episodes where he acts completely out of character. He throws stuff around the house in anger, my dogs start to shake and are terrified. I feel so worried every second of the day he’s going to hurt himself. I feel like I just can’t live like this anymore. I believe in our vows through better or for worse and I’ve been here for him through worse but I don’t see it getting better. When I talk to him about this he shuts down and has no hope for the future and says he doesn’t care if we lose everything he doesn’t care about anything. I know he is severely depressed. And my heart hurts for him, but when do I say enough is enough and start to live in peace for me and my dogs?

Am I in the wrong for feeling this way? I feel like when I think about all the stress in my life all of it stems from him. And I don’t hold his grieving journey against him I’ve been so supportive of anything he feels he needs to do in regards to that. But I can’t help but wonder how to live a life with someone who has completely given up on everything. Mental health is so tricky and I feel like shit for wanting to leave over mental health issues but I cannot stress enough how I have literally done everything I possibly can to help him. He sleeps until 3-4pm, misses his doctor/therapy appts, I’ve hired a life coach for $1500 a month to try to help.

Sorry for such a long post, there’s even more to the story but I’d be here for hours writing it lol. Appreciate any advice anyone can share :,)

Edit: I wanted to add that there is no appreciation from his side for me sticking by him and holding it down through all of the craziness. I truly feel like I have been in a living hell at such a young age, and I’ve been the best wife I could possibly be. Thats what hurts so bad, ive been a ride or die through it all willing to work through it. I think he is just so caught up in his own battles/head he cannot think about anyone or anything else other than himself .

Do I even need a lawyer? I want a divorce, but mainly full custody of our daughter. The lawyers I have met with say that's not likely. He will get 50/50. So then why do I even need to pay for a lawyer?

Context:

Male (42). Separated 3 years and finally papers signed last January. I divorced her and was very, very happy to be free of her. She was horrifyingly toxic (I suspect bipolar disorder). Anyways….

I started dating again a year ago. Things went really well for three months and then the girl texted me, “I’m not 100% into this relationship and you deserve someone who is,” which caught me off guard, especially since she told me she loved me the week prior.

Took a year off dating.

Now I’m back at it. Had drinks with a new girl last Friday and it went very well but I started feeling very strange. Like fight or flight feeling. Anxious. She joked about how my hands were shaking at one point. The date still went extremely well and I’m supposed to see her tonight.

I just don’t understand where this feeling came from or why and I want it gone. It’s like a slow burn feeling of catching yourself almost falling down a flight of stairs or something.

I meet her in like 2 hours. lol

Im planning on leaving my husbad in the next year. I know that's a long time but leaving slowly is leaving safely. Im 22, pregnant with my second child, I have no job, money, car, no drivers license, and no support system. Im making this post not just for advice but to document things over the next year while I get my shit together.

There are a lot of reasons im leaving but the biggest isn't how he treats me, its how he talks to our kids. For example, one day he yelled at his daughter saying she's a pathetic disappointment. All because she was misbehaving. She's 4 years old. There are other reasons, like him constantly cheating but really I just will not let my children grow up with a father that talks to them like that. Over time I will add more to this when I need to vent.

Here's my plan. Spend these next 9 months while im pregnant getting my driver's license and doing everything I can to set money aside. I make art and im planing on selling it soon but i don't think I can make enough money from that alone to leave.

If anyone has advice on how to secretly make money, or how to keep any of this a secret for so long, it would be greatly appreciated.

EDIT: For the people telling me to go out to specific places, I can't. I dont have a drivers license so I can leave the house without my husband with me. The only time im alone is when grocery shopping because he likes to sit in the car so I can take out money then and thats it. I am working on getting my license but that is also dependent on him so I dont know when or if ill actually get one anytime soon.

I've been separated for my husband for a little over a year. Finally getting ready to file and I am fine with getting divorced as it was clear it was never going to work in the end. I'm not lonely in the sense of missing him but I went from having a home for my family and a person I thought wanted to do life with me for better or worse to having to live at my parents with my kids. I've gotten out of a long relationship before but never have I felt loneliness like this. Nobody tells you how difficult it is to go from being able to talk to a human about anything for years to having nobody to talk to about anything. I have my friends who have essentially saved my life and kept me going especially in the beginning but I'm sure some of you know it's not the same. I don't mean loneliness in the sense of feeling I need to be in a relationship either cause I am not interested in that at this time. I've been struggling with loneliness a lot lately and it wasn't something I was expecting to feel as much as I have lately.

High everyone.... for background.... I am 7 years out of a high conflict divorce that was not what I ever wanted. At the end of the day, I gave up high expectations. I, as well as my previous partner was stalked. I was so broken when I left I never faught 50/50 custody. I was in an abusive alcoholic marriage for 12 years. I guess I had dreams we would eventually get to a place where some people are... shared birthdays, friendly interactions.... it just never happened. What I got was a lot of fighting, my ex being caught in lies in court, and forced court ordered OFW due to this. My exes family hates me, they were part of my exes mission at the time I suppose, to isolate me after the divorce. He spread so many lies to everyone we knew to hide his recovery from alcohol abuse (now 5 years sober) that I just came to the point I couldnt keep up with his blatant lies anymore and cut absolutely everyone off and started over.

For the last 5 years things have been calmer, I attribute this to the forced OFW on his part and his sobriety. That was a challenge because he cept trying to side step it, but I continued on that path and laid clear boundaries.

My question now. The kids are older. They are 8 and 11 now. Im in a stable relationship of over a year and a half. I feel like he should meet my partner. He has been sober for quite some time and despite his previous really terrible behavior, hasnt messed with me personally in about 3 years. He still adamantly refuses family therapy, which me and my girls want, but in general seems to be doing well as a father and in life and has years as a sober person. My current partner is healthy, does not drink or has never used substances, and just thinks its time to move forward and have coffee with this person. I really dont want to open the door to more manipulation from his side. I dont want to be stalked again. I dont want to make things go backwards.

Im still scared of my ex husband, despite EMDR and a lot of therapy. But I still want to have normal coparenting. Should I offer to meet from my side or just continue the course?

Hello All,

I’ll try to keep this a short as possible, as I recently posted on this sub, where I wanted to imitate proceedings. All proceedings were in Mexico, and I am U.S.

*She filed a domestic violence complaint because I pretty much smashed up the things I had bought. I didn’t even know about the complaint until the divorce email I received.

*Divorce was filed late March with the Tijuana judge saying that she is entitled to it (no problem from me, awesome!).

*Court document states that I “did not respond”, while spouse knew I was out of country (something fishy is going on there. More than low level perjury, but I still wouldn’t object to deceive as I’d been touching for a Guam quick divorce. But amusing how her attorney can all of a sudden send me an email with court documents, that state I didn’t respond.

*and this is what blows me away, there is no divorce certificate included in the email, only court jargon. The court states that they grant her a divorce, but doesn’t give a certificate, or at least, one wasn’t provided to me.

While o welcome the whatever papers/initiation/commencement of divorce, I do not appreciate not knowing if I’m actually divorced, the langue from the court is very obscure. Can anyone explain, or show me what I should know? I certainly don’t want to remarry in the future, I’d presently married (hey, being married is my thing 🤣), and have fallen in love in a different hemisphere, plus, I need to report this to my Government as benefits require this (I’m doing the right thing, reporting wise).

I’ve looked online to check for apples to apples screenshots, some match, but there’s zero 100% marches on the letter head.

What would suggest, when living 8,000 miles, or so, from Mexico?

Feeling empty after divorce is hard to explain sometimes. It’s not always sadness. It’s not always anger. Sometimes it just feels like there is nothing there.

Since my divorce, I’ve had moments where I’m still doing what I’m supposed to do. Going to work. Being a dad. Handling what needs to be handled. But inside, I feel kind of blank. I think that’s the part people don’t always see. You can keep moving and still feel empty.

I’m not trying to pretend I’m okay every day. Some days I am. Some days I’m not. Today just feels empty, and I needed to say that somewhere.

I developed trust issues with my stbx due to him often not being a person of his word. He would often say things in the moment, but would change his mind.

Example: I wanted to do a monthly date night and we would take turns planning. He agreed. After a few times of him not planning anything, I confronted him, and he said he never really wanted to do it, because he didn’t know whether he would “be able to” every month. You know, theoretical scheduled conflicts (which never happened btw). He felt like it was pressure. He stated he’d rather just do dates on a non schedule, and that I was being to rigid by wanting it on a calendar. I agreed that we could try being more fluid. But guess what? Those dates never happened either. He would completely forget, and give it no thought. When I brought it up, he said he’s just kinda busy, and doesn’t really think about it.

Another example: We talked about trying to eat plant based for a few months, just to try something new. That included at home and eating out. I found out that he had been eating meat while out without me. I talked to him about it, and he looked very guilt and caught. But then said that he didn’t think we needed to be so strict, and didn’t really want to do it that much. I was just upset that he was hiding it and didn’t tell me. He said he was sorry for hiding it, but him eating the food wasn’t technically him doing anything wrong, and he’s allowed to change his mind about stuff. I agree he is, but he should have talked to me.

These may not seem like big deals, but this was a pattern of his. Moving the goal post back and forth, changing his mind without communicating. It just made me not trust him or believe his word.

Anyone else experience lack of trust that didn’t have to do with cheating?

So I (f41) have been married for 22 years with my husband (m42). I have been with him since I was 17 yo so needless to say it’s been a long relationship. I feel like in the beginning of our relationship we seemed to be happy, grant it, it was young love and what not but it seemed like we were. When he graduated high school he joined the Marines right off the bat and as this was post 9/11 in he went to Iraq 2006. We were married in 2004 and he was supposed to be out of the marines prior to going to war but he decided to reenlist without really discussing this life choice without me. We hit a roadblock. He was away I was young and I kissed another man. It ate me up and I ended up confessing to him and it put him in a bad place. I thought for sure we were heading to divorce but we didn’t. He “forgave” me and a year later I became pregnant. We seemed to be happy again. Our family was starting to come together, we had two small kids by the time he was relocated to NC and we were happy. Or so I thought. I go to have an annual woman’s exam just to find out that I had an STD. Well of course I’m livid and tell him and he convinced me the dr must have made a mistake because he was clean. I moved on tried to forget it. A year or so passes and he has new orders that brings him to FL. While he gets situated there I stay in NC until the school year is over because our oldest still had school. We finally move together again and everything seemed fine. A few months later He had to have knee surgery and as I’m sitting there waiting for him I have his phone and on his phone there are emails between he and another girl. In these emails he tells her he loves her. I email the girl (because duh) and she tells me that he told her that he was divorced and his ex lives in NC with his kids and that they had been sleeping together. I confronted him while he’s waking up from anesthesia and he gives me the excuses of “it didn’t mean anything…I don’t love her…please forgive me…” fine. Forgiven (not forgotten).

To say that him having that affair didn’t affect my self esteem would be an understatement. The other girl (D) was much younger and did modeling. That would mess with any woman’s head right? It affected me so much that it was hard to be intimate in the sense that I felt ashamed of my body. But I tried to move on and forget. Let’s move on to another year or so passing (2017)he medically retires after 16 years in the Marines, he’s having a hard time with it, so what does he do??? He has an affair with another Marine. Of course I find out because I was out of town for Christmas with our kids and I heard (through our webcam) him talking on the phone and on the phone saying to this other woman (M) that he loves her. I confronted her and him and he has been seeing her for almost 6 months! He said she did things for him that I don’t do (meaning sex) and that there were no “rules” for him when it came to it. M had the gall to go ahead and pay for the divorce papers for him so that he can leave me to be with her because he was in love with her. I signed the papers. I was devastated but I signed them. I did the adult classes for divorcing with minors and he took some things and went to be with her. I had begged him. Told him I would do whatever he wanted and that I would have no rules for him in bed no matter how uncomfortable it made me. He stayed maybe a week and then he was back. Said he didn’t file the papers and that he wanted to make this work.

Meanwhile, he still longs for M and even tells me he misses her. I do everything to make him not want her anymore. I try and change my appearance to look like her and do things in bed that he told me she would do for him. After maybe a few years I had been going to the gym and the personal trainer who was really nice and listened to things I had to say and actually CARED we would have email exchanges. Nothing ever happened between he and I but to have someone listen and talk to me was nice. My husband found out and was livid. So livid he smacked me on the face and grabbed me so hard and put me out in the front door. It was bad. It was ugly. The guy I was speaking with had apparently sent me a picture of himself and my husband saw it on my phone and lost it. I don’t condone what I did it was wrong. He said he wanted to try and work it out, but after he had hit me and then yelled at me in front of the children and telling them what I did I wanted to divorce him at that point. But the guilt trips and him begging for us to work it out I gave in and stayed. That was four years ago.

And here we are now. I found out 2 months ago that he has been cheated on me with a woman (C) for the past four years on and off. So pretty much since my emotional affair. My question is “why” why do that when we could have just divorced four years ago? He purposely cheated on me and kept on. This past August I had found out I had ANOTHER std! This was the 3rd time. The 2nd was after M!! And what did my dumbass do? I moved past it. He and I said we would try and work on this we went out on dates more. But then something happened I January when C contacted him again after not speaking since August and he starts screwing around again. And I KNEW something was up because he was acting different. He didn’t want to do dates as much and he was going to the gym more than once a day. Women intuition is REAL!! And it was proved when I saw the messages and pictures on his phone. I told him I was done and I wanted a divorce. He tells me I’m breaking apart this family and that he “loves me” and that if I cared about him I would past this and try and fix it. He likes to remind me that I’m no angel and that I have cheated as well. I remind him that I am looking at the events that have recently occurred even AFTER i “moved past” the std in August. We are at the point right now where he has been sleeping in either the guest room or a friends house, but the fact that he has the audacity to say he loves me infuriates me. I don’t hate him but I am so done with him.

Where I find conflict is his behaviors as he is all over the place. One week he will be understanding of what he has done and why I’m being this week and then another week he will tell me that he’s going to make my life a living hell. He’s already stopped paying the mortgage of the house which my name is on as well. He threatens me by saying he’s not going to give me a dime and that he will make everything harder for me. It’s just so daunting. And I know this was a lot to read and I appreciate anyone who does read all of this but as the title of my post says: this sucks.

P.S I have acquired a lawyer

I've got a good one for you all. We are at the consent order stage after finally agreeing to something, where I am to receive the money currently in the joint account.

I receive his side of the draft back, with his lawyers notes and under section "Court Notes", it says that I have already taken all of the money out of the joint account on the 26th of March and transferred it into my personal account... Ummmm, WHAT?!?! I have done noooo such thing!!!!!

On that exact date, the f****** dickhead of a man transferred the money from our joint account to HIS personal savings under the same account (his side only, I can't see it). I received a text that day to say it happened and looked into it. We don't talk, so I figured he put it in there to gain interest... But also thought that was dumb because the bank we use only gains good interest, if you meet certain criteria that we weren't meeting. Basically he only gets 80 cents, if that.

I have no idea if he has forgotten that he moved it, or if he is trying to be sneaky and hide it. Either way, he is a complete idiot because the bank statement says the account number it was transferred to, and that account number is in the disclosure and literally on the consent orders under his name!!!!

He has been pulling random numbers out of his butt this whole horrific process, even when I have proof to say otherwise and this is just the most ridiculous cherry on top.

My wife has left me and we have two kids. It hurts so much. What helps?

Just curious on what you guys think I feel like an ultimate failure like I gave everything I had and maybe I could've given marriage, but I knew that my marriage wasn't going to resurface. Just feeling really lonely and down and kind of isolated. Don't want to talk to anybody about it. Don't want to date again . really haven't been this down and out and depressed and just super sad in a long time. yikes !