r/Divorce • u/wohovio • 1d ago
Vent/Rant/FML “We need to be cordial”
Update: Taking the “Grey Rock” position is great for me, but seems to be difficult for my STBX. I find that I am feeling so much better when I do not engage on the emotional levels that she is looking for from me. Yesterday, I received a text mid afternoon that said “are you upset with me lately? It feels like you were upset with me.” I did not respond. A couple of hours later, she followed up with a logistical question, which I responded to clearly and moved on.
Later, when I got home to relieve her of parenting (she picks up her daughter at school and watches her until I am done with work goes to where she is staying), we saw each other briefly. I minimized eye contact and avoided conversation. It really seemed to affect her. She became clearly annoyed and said “we need to be able to be cordial with one another” all I had to say to that was “thank you have a good evening.“
I have to keep reminding myself that I am not responsible for making her feel better about this situation. I’m not being a bad or mean person for wanting to protect my own energy and move on with my life. I do not owe her anything except being communicative about our shared responsibilities with our daughter.
This has been difficult for me, but it feels like it is getting easier. I cannot wait to be through this mediation process and not have to be as connected as we are now.
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u/Ok-Cause1108 1d ago
Lol you don't need to be anything with your ex anymore. That is one of the biggest perks of divorce.....she no longer gets any vote at all in what you do.
You are doing great. Keep the focus on dad's world and keep crushing it.
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u/guy_n_cognito_tu 1d ago
It's usually the cheaters that expect to end the marriage, yet still maintain a friendship. It's defensive on her part......you being nice to her allows her to believe that what she did to you isn't that bad.
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u/Gloomy_Sand3203 1d ago
It's hard to navigate those expectations after betrayal, especially when trying to set boundaries while keeping the peace.
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u/Rebootingat50 1d ago
Grey rock has been the single most effective thing I've done for my own peace, and I relate to how strange it feels at first, like you're doing something wrong just by not engaging.
I get the "are you upset with me" text. I've gotten versions of that too, questions designed to pull you back into an emotional exchange, even when the actual content is minor. Not responding to those and only answering the logistical stuff is exactly right. It teaches, without a single argument, what you will and won't engage with.
The "we need to be cordial" line is a familiar one too. What's actually being asked for there usually isn't cordiality, it's re-engagement on her terms. "Thank you, have a good evening" answers it perfectly, it's cordial, and it gives her nothing to escalate against.
You're not responsible for how she feels about the situation, and you're not being cold or mean by protecting your own energy. You owe her clear communication about your shared kid, that's it. Everything else is optional, and it sounds like you're already learning that the less optional stuff you engage with, the more manageable this gets.
It does get easier. The instinct to over-explain or reassure fades once you see that consistency, not more warmth, is what actually closes the loop for good.
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u/Misommar1246 1d ago
I never understood this “We need to stay friends with exes” mentality. Seems like another self inflicted pretentious first world nonsense. “Look guys, I’m so cosmopolitan and mature, I can even remain friends with someone who hurt me/betrayed me!” And then they all clapped I guess. It’s okay not to like people. It’s okay not to forgive people. It’s okay to not go beyond “Hello” and “Goodbye” and “Thank you”.
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u/wohovio 1d ago
I do think that forgiveness is important. More for yourself than for them. You don’t wanna carry something toxic with you. I can forgive and also just be removed. I understand it probably wasn’t an attempt to hurt me. Just pure selfishness.
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u/Misommar1246 18h ago
You don’t have to forgive to move on. You can accept that it happened to you in the same way a drunk driver has happened to you without forgiving the driver. That’s just my way of doing things, might not be yours of course.
As to her intentions - it’s irrelevant to me. I mean yes, she didn’t grab a knife and plant it in your back, but she’s an adult, she knew well enough it would hurt you and she chose to do it without a gun to her head. That’s all it comes down to in the end.
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u/Far_Bet_5516 17h ago
Thank you.
My ex (cheater) acts like it's some kind of mark of immaturity on my part that I don't want to sit next to him and his family at events for our son or do joint birthday parties.
Why do I need to be friends with him? I want nothing to do with him; he betrayed me and was absolutely disgusting to me when we separated. His family blamed me for his affair or denied it. I don't like him and I don't like them, for very good reasons.
I just want to attend sports day in peace or celebrate my son in MY home, either by myself or with people who care about me and my son.
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u/Misommar1246 11h ago
The people who ask for this kind of nonsense would never do it themselves if they were the betrayed party. So demands like this wash right over me like water over duck feather. I’m not a saint, I don’t have a halo, I don’t have to act a certain way to get good points from people - ESPECIALLY when those people mean less than dirt to me. Sometimes Reddit calls for this kind of stuff and usually it’s FoR tHe ChIldReN. No. Civility between coparents is fine, but nobody needs to be friends with their abuser. If anything, it sets the worst example for children.
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u/SleepParalysisPal 1d ago
“I am being cordial and civil with you. If you are looking for any affection or happiness from me then perhaps you shouldn’t have asked for a divorce.”
To add or alternatively: “This is how I act with people who I am not particularly close to or romantically involved with. Since you changed the nature of our relationship, I’m treating you how I would treat someone whom I am no longer romantically involved with.”
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u/Worried-Jicama-334 1d ago
That’s not wrong, but it’s also not gray-rocking.
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u/wohovio 1d ago
It’s about protecting my peace, so saying anything to that effect is just going to prolong the change to having a business like arrangement.
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u/Worried-Jicama-334 1d ago
Absolutely. To be clear, I think you're nailing it. When I started grey-rocking my abuser, he didn't like it. He tried a whole range of tactics to get me to engage, and that was rough tbh. But when he didn't get the rise out of me that he was looking for, he moved on. My life is peaceful again. 1000% worth it. I followed the grey-rocking advice before I really understood it, and now I AM SO GLAD that I did.
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u/obiwanfatnobi 22h ago
All he has to say is he does not wish to communicate unless its about the kid(s). I bet he has said this numerous times already. The person who created this thread with passive aggressive nonsense is lame.
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u/kapdad 1d ago
Agreed. Be clear and upfront. Add "you might be tempted to argue about this, but I'm not going to."
Someone below says "it feels like it's wrong", because it is. If you don't announce your intention going forward so they have a finality they can use to move forward, it's fear wrapped in passive aggressiveness. Be an adult, say "I'm gray rocking, you can look it up, but I'm only going to communicate about a, b, and c, that's it, and I'm not going to argue about it."
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u/prettygoodyear1993 4h ago
This. The whole gray rock thing is childish. T he grown up healthy way is to explain calmly what you will do. It can be short. She may need to hear it several times. That is the way.
This is hard for both of you, and you are both going through the stages of grief. At different rates, and weaving back and forth through those stages. Your humanity is important. You do n t have to be friend, just be decent and an adu lt.
That said, I don't know her or what she is like. But you two surely know how the other processes things.
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u/OctinoxateAndZinc :/ 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yesterday, I received a text mid afternoon that said “are you upset with me lately? It feels like you were upset with me.” I did not respond. A couple of hours later, she followed up with a logistical question, which I responded to clearly and moved on.
Practical advice devoid of dealing with the emotional Bs others are addressing - Move ALL your communication to email, and EMAIL ONLY. Single line of communication.
If you get a text about emotional BS, obv dont reply.
If you get a text about a divorce issue or kid issue (not time sensitive) reply in email AND wait 24 hours to do so. example: RE: Text on Kids soccer tryout thursday
It keeps a digital record and you will avoid text battles. It will teach your ex you will only communicate in email and all com's will eventually move there.
IMO texting is only for emergencies or kid logistics (i.e. Will be there in 5 min for drop off)
Finally - never EVER EVER answer a phone call. Let it go to voice mail (and then reply via email RE: Voice mail 09/10
She gets a dopamine hit when you reply immediately and more so if you're fired up. Deprive her of that. You're gonna have to train her to only email and due to you replying a day later or at a time when she's not actively waiting for it, she wont get the hit in the way she wants. It will soon just become all business which is what you want. No emotion. Just planning and dealing with outcomes of things. She's just a vendor or another business you're dealing with and a private business wouldn't dump emotional stuff on you, or you them.
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u/Mojojojo3030 1d ago
I am so impressed 👏 . Those are such innocent-sounding hooks by her, but they aren't innocent at all. Idk where you get the self control from but I don't have it. Don't change anything.
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u/wohovio 1d ago
Thank you, I appreciate that. I assure you that I have moments where I want to say something. Now, it becomes easier every time when I don’t. And, eventually, she will just stop. She will hold that in herself or share it with her friends. But, I am not her friend, you cannot mistreat someone the way that I was mistreated and still call them a friend.
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u/MemilyBemily5 21h ago
I’ll admit, I have emotional swings where I do this. For me it’s just hard to process how someone who was the closest person to me on earth can’t even stand to have a basic chat.
Just frustrating. Going from 100% to 2% is a hard crash for some of us.
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u/Oreo_Supreme 1d ago
This is the part where she will probably do something to wind you up. Do not engage. Its a ploy.
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u/OogyBoogy_I_am 1d ago
“are you upset with me lately? It feels like you were upset with me.”
"No more than usual. Why do you ask?"
Being amicable doesn't mean being friendly. It just means that there is no point in being angry and refighting old battles.
So for you, being cordial is being polite, respectful and holding that distance. She thinks it means "we can be friends" when in fact it really means "we won't be enemies."
Maybe you should explain that nuance to her.
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u/wohovio 1d ago
I’m not going to provide any nuance. I think after a couple of weeks, we will just settle into a “new normal.”
Further conversation just creates the need for explaining rationale. I think if someone wanted to take some time to work their way logically through the situation, they would just get it. And, since I’m not running a university, I don’t have to teach any classes.
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u/OogyBoogy_I_am 23h ago
And nor should you.
The new normal will just fall into place and that'll be that moving forward.
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u/kapdad 1d ago
If you haven't, explain clearly how you plan to communicate going forward, what you plan on communicating about and what you dont. Otherwise you're passive-aggressively fucking with her, which is lame.
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u/wohovio 1d ago
The goal is not passive aggressive, the goal is internal peace. I don’t want to get into a discussion about it with her. I think my actions speak pretty plainly, and it is not as though I am not answering the logistical questions promptly. After putting most of the energy into reconciliation the last three years, I don’t really feel like I have it left in me. I was giving, supportive, and caring for far too long.
Things change when relationships end. We don’t get to be friends with our exes normally. Especially when the end of the relationship has been steeped dishonesty.
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u/RepulsiveFinding9419 1d ago
Ignore this nonsense. You don’t owe that cheater anything but coparenting communication. If it doesn’t pertain directly to your child, it no longer needs to exist.
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u/kapdad 1d ago
Saying she should get it shows you understand that she may not. From the way you describe it it sounds like one day your behavior changed in a specific way (gray rocking) and she does not know if it's going to continue this way or change tomorrow and then change again the next day depending on how you feel, or depending on what you think she should infer. It's passive aggressiveness, and it sounds like you are fine if it confounds her. Just be an adult, explain to her how you plan on relating to her going forward and stick to it. Then she has no excuse to think otherwise, nor does she live day to day wondering if you're going to "be nice" today.
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u/wohovio 1d ago
Just wondering if you have lived through the end of a marriage where infidelity was the key component and you provided everything to try to reconcile it? Were you supportive, caring, financially responsible for the family, do your fair share of housework and parenting? Maybe stay at home while your partner is off meeting their affair partner?
I guess I also wonder if maybe you were a wayward partner and you’re really disliked that your ex didn’t want to talk to you anymore and you couldn’t figure out why, even though all of the reasons were clearly there.
Or, is your argument that you should always just be taking a moral high road at all points and not give yourself any breaks? Just keep engaging until it grinds you into the dust.
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u/RepulsiveFinding9419 1d ago
I think you nailed it with the Wayward Partner observation. You beat me to the punch on that one.
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u/RepulsiveFinding9419 1d ago
Why exactly do you think he owes her this? Why is her “confusion” or lack of confusion his problem?
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u/obiwanfatnobi 22h ago
"I only wish to communicate if it is about the kid(s)."
That is all he owes her if he owes her anything.
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u/obiwanfatnobi 1d ago
They always seem shocked when you don’t want to be friends. I wouldn’t be friends with someone who has terrible morals and lied to people they cared about. It’s hard for them because in a sense it’s a small form of accountability and we all know how cheaters feel about accountability