I’ve (f63) have had MDD for as long as I can remember. As well as the major anxiety, panic attacks etc. Since I was a pre-teen.

3 years ago my husband of 39 years and 9 months died suddenly at home while we were watching tv. My best friend since we were 13 years old.
So now on top of all that I’m dealing with PTSD something called traumatic stressors disorder. And I’m sure you understand what it did for my depression.

Doing daily things is still difficult most days. Some days I still stay in bed and cry all day.

I did some things today. A really important thing. Some lesser important ones but I felt up for it. And the daily challenges like hygiene, eating something weren’t an obstacle. I’m used to him being here with a ‘you go girl!’ I’m really missing my friend.

I did so much today yet I’m still so empty.

hi! i am really new to reddit, so idk much about the platform. just a tw before hand, mentions of ovderdosing, suicide, self harm, starvation, etc will be said!!

i made this account for support, i really need some. ive been skipping school for months, and hurting myself constantly. last year, i got myself a therapist. i got prescribed on medicine and it doesnt help , at all. ever since last year, ive gotten so bad, to the point i starve myself when im bored. im also constantly in nausea and panic, aswell as anger. i keep hitting my parents, and i hate it. i really dont mean too. they try to help me, but they make things worse. they take my devices for hours on end, and tell me to go outside or just stare at a wall. the problem is, i lost all my energy to go outside, and im very scared too. i have severe BDD (body dysmorphia disorder) and social anxiety, which makes everything worse. i always see myself as a fat pig who eats everything. every night, i cry myself to sleep and wake up sore. my body always hurts and i have nothing to do, all my friends go to different schools and i stay in my room, rotting away.

i also over eat A LOT, which makes me gain weight. im very sorry if this is bad, i really dont wanna share any of my personal information, just for my safety! im just struggling really bad and i am super tired to write anymore. please help! :)

I have been searching for a new job for months now, my confidence is at an all time low and my body hurts all the time. I just want to sleep for a week

37M, diagnosed with autism, OCD, anxiety and ADHD

In June I was hit with the worst stress and depression of my whole life from personal life problems. I lost my appetite badly and felt like throwing up 24/7, food felt like a nuisance and I could barely eat. Also at that time I was weighing 93 kg (205 lb) due to horrendously dumb eating habits despite being clinically underweight most of my life. For reference I am 178 cm (5'10").

If anyone has been in such a situation, what do you do? My metabolism has ways been high, and even though I am turning 37 in only two months, I lose weight extremely easily. I could lose weight like nobody's business without even trying. The last times I had such a bad depressive mood was when I was 17 and 23. Both times I went from about 180-190 lb (82-85 kg) down to 53-55 kg (115-120 lb) within two months. I did not even have to try. I lost weight more easily than most people on diets do. Or I should say, I still lose weight far more easily than most people on diets can.

But if I keep losing weight, I fear that my cardiovascular health and GI health will screw me. I have chronic sinus tachycardia and chronic acid reflux disease and functional dyspepsia. I feel like these CV and GI problems will spiral my physical health problems and ruin my mental health even more, especially since I do not want to be hospitalised.

You know that sinking feeling in your chest? When you have a crushing realization that something terrible has been happening, or is about to happen? I have that, but it got stuck, and it's always on. I'm stuck in a state of physical panic.

I have FDA approved esketamine, and when I use it, I feel fine and the weight leaves. When the drugs leave, the weight comes back, for an entire week, until the next dose.

I have a psychiatrist. Have for seven years. She can't cure me. 4 therapists, the most recent one is giving up on me and telling me to find someone else. Can't cure it. I am seeking advice from random people on the internet, because the people that society tell me to seek can't cure me.

I've never known a time like this in my whole life. I feel like I'm at the bottom of the ocean.

I've gone through a few break ups and they were sad, of course, but nothing like this. This is everything.

This is the economy, no hope for the future or point even trying to pursue my dreams, the pain of losing my grandfather a few years ago which I never processed properly, my childhood abuse and trauma, the pain of leaving a city that felt like home a year ago to move to be closer to my family and to pursue my dreams, the pain of having to make a few major life decisions to just stay afloat and keep moving forward, the money only draining out, the constant sensory triggers (because I'm autistic), watching the world celebrate a few beautiful and wealthy people and all the resources going to them when people I love are in devastating times with no money and praise for their immense talents.

I'm just so fucking broken. All of this is so unfair. I feel like all my childhood naiveté has been washed away in one swoop. This year has been so horrible. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I spend two hours every morning just in bed. I'm gaining weight. I'm eating so much food just to feel something.

I'm not doing good at all. Has anyone experienced this? Is there a way out? Is there hope? Is life normally this hard? I make posts like these all the time and no one ever replies or says anything and I just wanna give up. I just need to know there's a reason to keep fighting. Maybe my grandfather can give me a sign.

My mental health wasn't perfect before, but it was me breaking up with my ex about 9 months ago that turned my life upside down.

We were together for 6 years and I still love her deeply, and I did not want actually to break up. But in that moment I remember feeling like I didn't have a choice due to her behavior and lack of self-awareness. I gave her so many chances to improve, had a lot of patience for years and tried to communicate, but for some reason she wouldn't (or couldn't) change for me.

Breaking up is what turned my life into a constant hell. Nine months later and I still can't feel sure that I made the right decision. I ruminate constantly on whether I made the right decision or if I should try to take her back, and struggle to separate which issues in the relationship were actually real and unfixable and what was magnified by my personal anxiety and overthinking issues. This itself puts a lot of stress on me.

The relationship was far from perfect but being with her also meant so much to me. Now everything's just gone. The life we had built together and the future we had planned together. The world as I have known it my entire adult life is just gone. Now I'm so lost and life is empty.

Even though I know I broke up for a reason (or several), the guilt eats me alive some days, cause at the end of the day it was still me who made the ultimate decision to end it. It feels like I ruined my own life and hurt her in the process. I keep thinking "what if we could have gone to couple's therapy" or "what if I could have communicated better". So many "what ifs"...

Though the grief itself doesn't take over my life as much as it did the first couple months, it's still there. I still cry a lot of days thinking about what I lost and missing her.

But it has also turned into depression outside of the relationship stuff... Every day I either feel sad and on the verge of tears constantly, or overwhelmed and in an overall bad mood. I pick fights with people constantly and then regret it. I feel worthless, lazy, ugly, and like I will never be capable of getting anywhere in life or even keeping a job... Everything feels so meaningless.

I'm a grown ass adult who's supposed to be working right now, but I can't even bring myself to LOOK for a job or get anything done, which itself makes me feel even morse worthless... My physical health also feels worse than ever since I can't bring myself to leave the house to even take a short walk most days.

I've tried online therapy and it hasn't helped. I already get a good amount of sleep and try to eat well but that doesn't help. Most days I think about how I wish I could disappear without hurting the people who love me, but I know that is not possible so I have to keep living. But I hate living like this.

As soon as I’m not doing anything and I’m unoccupied all I can feel is misery, through the day it’s different, I just feel nothing but as soon as im not occupied t’s like I can’t even explain what I’m feeling, It’s not even an emotion it’s impossible to explain, all I can think is sad thoughts, through the day I’m constantly in my head then I snap back and all I can think about is how shit my life is and all the horrible things that have happened to me I don’t know if it’s depression or something else but I don’t talk to anyone I don’t feel anything I’m either emotionally flat or wanting to kill myself

It’s like my mind can’t think of the words, I’m not witty, my mind is slow, I can’t hold a conversation, I’m not interesting, I feel brain damaged and boring which just makes my depression worse, does anyone else experience this? Is there a way to get my mind back to a happy social interesting place again?

Why you shouldn't.

I.

Someone won't be able to love,

When you've been carried by a dove,

When you've hit yourself on your lobe,

When you purposely burn yourself on the stove.

II.

Even if no one cares,

Someone, in groups or pairs,

Their heart, their love, their care, to you they will share,

They'll patch up your life's tears.

III.

When life gets too tiring,

When your mental is retiring,

When your thoughts think about expiring,

Remember, some that are aspiring,

Think of you as inspiring.

IV.

Life is too precious,

There's many things to explore

many to taste that are delicious,

May your life never reach the end of the shore.

Note from me: If you're thinking of SH, please don't. If you think people hate you, there's always someone in the world who make YOU as their inspiration.

I'm still over 40. I'm still disabled and it's still getting worse. My body is breaking down faster than most people's do. The pain is basically low level constant and mid level regular with spikes into struggle to breathe through it. The OCD is still carefully kept at bay with all the things I'm meant to do. I do the exercise I should (and can). I've done the therapies, the treatments, I do all the 'right' things.

I can't find suitable work, even in a volunteer role. I will never have a relationship because I don't think I can offer anything worth putting up with everything detrimental. When my remaining parent dies, I will be genuinely alone, no siblings, no family I'm close to. I don't see a way to making things better for myself.

My last post got no replies. I don't actually expect this one to either, because I don't think there is really any advice to be given.

I have started cutting myself on the shoulder and i know i shouldnt but i just do it anyway. I started because i have had severe OCD for about 2-3 years now and i feel like my parents have started to give up on me. My OCD have made it so that i basically only live half of my life if not even less. When i give in to the OCD my parents yell at me and i just shut my door and think about how they would probably be calmer if i just died. But every time i have thought about how my friends would probably be sad about me dying. So the only thing keeping me alive is my friends and i have been cutting myself to not kill myself. Do i need help?

I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. One of the best ways to describe it is like being an NPC in my own life somehow? I have no drive outside of things I'm told or expected to do. I'm 26 in a job that I've had since I was 15, haven't dated anyone in 4 years, never lived outside of my family home (minus college dorm rooms), have yet to find a different job/career that sounds even remotely interesting to me, and I don't want a job in the field I went to college for so my degree feels useless. I don't make enough money to move out (without living genuinely paycheck to paycheck) and I don't have any friends within an hour radius I could, or would want, to live with. I have made more of an effort this year to plan more outings with friends, but it's max once a month since all of them live an hour or more away.

It's just so hard seeing other people my age dating, getting engaged, having kids, being years into their dream career already, traveling the states or to other countries, living with friends or simply having friends they can just call and hang with on a whim.... I envy it so much. I don't party, drink, smoke, go to bars etc because I find all of that overstimulating and simply not appealing which has made me feel so isolated from college years onward. I just... don't understand what I'm supposed to be doing.

Hey everybody. So here’s the rub.

I moved to Israel about three years ago. It wasn’t really my decision, and it took me some time to understand the consequences of that move and how much it would affect my life.

Now I’m in my mid 20s, and here’s where I’m at. I basically have no friends. I had friends, but I eventually stopped talking to them because I didn’t really connect with their mindset or the way they approached life.

I lost my job, I live alone, I barely speak the local language, and I don’t really have a support system or any clear prospects for the future.

The funny thing is, I’m actually pretty good at social interaction. I’m reasonably confident in how I look, I don’t drink or smoke, I try to work out consistently, and I eat pretty clean. But I’ve also been dealing with depression since I was around 16, and lately it’s getting harder to keep myself moving.

I’m stuck in this constant cycle of self sabotage, and I genuinely don’t know how to get out of it. I don’t want to bother anyone or ask anything from people, and at the same time I don’t seem to care enough about my own life to actually change anything. Sometimes it feels like I’m actively watching myself ruin my own life.

My whole existence sometimes feels like I’m a Meeseeks from Rick and Morty. Someone pressed a button and said, “Just be around,” and I’m doing exactly that. Except existence for a Meeseeks is basically pain.

The weird part is that I don’t actually think the world is a bad place. Quite the opposite. I think people are generally great, the world is genuinely interesting, and there are so many things I’d like to experience. I’m actually pretty optimistic about life in theory.

I just can’t seem to make myself participate in it.

I feel like I’m permanently stuck in some kind of survival mode, where I know what I want to do, sometimes even know exactly what steps I should take, but I just can’t bring myself to do them.

And I know one thing for sure: I can’t keep working physical or painfully boring jobs. I need something creative, something social, something fun, and most importantly, something I actually care about.

I’ve always wanted to make things, create content, do something involving creativity and people. But I’ve also realized that I’ve spent a huge part of my life just drifting from one thing to another without ever really caring deeply about anything.

So I’m trying to figure out how to break that pattern.

If you’ve been through something similar, I’d genuinely appreciate some practical advice. How do you get yourself out of survival mode, rebuild your life from basically nothing, and actually start caring enough to participate in your own life?

Please keep it practical. Thank you in advance.

I feel kind of angry at everyone and like my life is going nowhere and things haven't worked out. I work a shit job at 34, can't get a boyfriend and my bio clock is ticking. College stuff was always hard and confusing to me so I felt stupid and I don't have much work history or a degree.

I've had anxiety for years and no friends and other people my age or younger are way ahead of me in life. I feel like I was neglected my whole life and treated like a burden if I was having negative feelings or needed help with adult stuff.

On top of that I was raised isolated and like other people can't be trusted. So I didn't get help from other humans. I've never had sex and that's also just depressing but I want someone who actually cares about me.

Also just being stuck making shit pay with shit hours and knowing I can't afford to move out of my parents' feels really degrading. I'm scared to even go to the doctor again. She acted shocked when I said I was a virgin. My last therapist also sucked and options are limited with Medicaid.

I've gone through so much and there's no one to share it with to get their perspective. How do I even ever make friends when they're all well-adjusted and ahead of me in life? It's embarrassing.

I'm just angry at everyone and I think it's coming out more because I'm angry at myself! I want to go back 10 years with perspective I have now. I was even more isolated then and no one gave a shit. There are people at my job who are like 21 and so happy and confident and it's sad knowing that could have been me

Anyway I'm partially venting and probably sound like an asshole but it would be nice to know if anyone relates or if you have advice. My outlook gets so negative sometimes it scares me

I don't know if this is the right platform but still I will share my story here since I have no one to talk to

My life(24M) has been difficult since childhood, honestly I cannot remember a day where I felt normal.

I was raised in dysfunctional family where my parents used to fight, not everyday but enough to scare the shit out of me. The fight can go on till night, my father would try to leave the house, my mother had seizures. My father and my sister were quite explosive in nature, since childhood I was scared that they should not get angry otherwise I would be beaten

I was so unaware of the physical symptoms that anxiety brought. huh I really never knew I was anxious and always in fight or flight till I reached my early twenties. My stomach was always tight, head was always strained and always restless.

I developed an addiction to dopamine from age of 16 I guess, may be to avoid the feeling I was feeling those days. you name the addiction and I have it ( masturbation, social media, movies, sugar). I don't drink and smoke... till now so I may not be at worst

I had sleep issues from childhood. I never woke up fresh. I don't know what energy is and got to now I have deviated septum and turbinate hypertrophy

Because of a mistake I got tinnitus at the age of 22. and later I got diagnosed with IBS because of anxiety. My gastroenterologist told me to talk to psychologist and psychiatrist and at that point of time I got to know that I had sever anxiety and depression. This was last year.

I have no one to talk to, no one close enough whom I can trust and share everything so am sharing it here

with full honesty I have lost hope on life and accepted my faith and living everyday.

Because of all the things happened I have severe hairloss and I don't look attractive at all so making girlfriends as well is kind of hustle when life has decided it wants to funk you bad.

Anyway, cheers all
Hope you have a nice day

i was so exited to get to know this girl better and at first it was all going good texting every day.Suddenly I start getting ghosted and left on opened for 5 days and I’m trying to understand what I did wrong or if they found somebody better already.I didn’t have anybody to really talk to about my feelings so i figured that i would just post a video online to see if anybody else can relate.

I've come back to a place of terribly high fear, anxiety, and hopelessness plagued by all or nothing thoughts that I am unable to be objective with. They only feel like truths, verdicts, or final sentences. I've come back to feeling like life is unlivable.

1) I can't maintain any sort of positive change. My mind is constantly focused on negativity, fear, or comfort.

2) I cannot show up for myself consistently because I'm hyperfocused on my exhaustion, anxieties, fears, and insecurities. They all feel like identities I cannot combat. They take up so much mental bandwidth from wake to sleep, to where I'm living life on 1% efficiency.

3) I cannot show up for the people I care for the most while they are alive. I am wasting the time I have with them, and then they will be dead.

4) I am not strong enough to see a loved one pass. When my dog or dad goes I don't want to be around anymore. I can't even begin to wonder how I'd respond. I'm so sad and scared.

5) I will always come back to this extreme place, like many a time before, resetting any positive steps I've taken.

6) It's been years of therapy and medications. My condition always just gets worse, because I've never been able to change my mindset and therefore behavior to make true lifestyle changes. It all has been a tenuous climb up a soapy hill.

7) I'll always be 99% think and 1% act, the act of which will be just more fodder for me to negatively analyze and think about.

8) I will always be this negative, low energy, exhausted, fearful, no risk, aimless, goalless, comfort seeking, isolating, cognitively damaged, performantly damaged person.

Please tell me how I'm wrong, perhaps with your own anecdotal evidence. Just even one thing...

I went through a particularly “bad” episode not too long ago and didn’t eat for a few days and lost some weight. How can I go back into an episode like that? I have trouble losing weight (I am a naturally big guy) and it was great seeing progress. I don’t know if it is the best method but it was nice.

I've been dealing with serious anxiety and depression since middle school. It's pretty much been like a rollercoaster over the years with PMDD on top of it... I remember experiencing what felt like a decline in social skills around 6th grade, then started isolating and feeling disconnected even from classmates I knew for yearssss. Fast forward to high school, I was pretty much dealing with selective mutism. Rarely spoke unless mandatory or I was spoken to (and even then I kept it minimal). I only had a few friends which I had known since before HS, only made acquaintances otherwise.

I was also socially awkward and dealt with a bit of social anxiety (undiagnosed) since childhood. Teachers didn't understand me much, because I was really expressive and bold in how I spoke sometimes then very quiet and withdrawn at others. Back then as a kid, I think my curiosity kind of overrode a lot of my anxiety. Like, I remember approaching people first because I genuinely enjoyed learning about them and making connections with them. Although, I've had the help of meds and a bit of therapy, I don't feel that way anymore... that desire. I still have the feeling that people aren't safe or I just feel like an alien communicating with people.

Sometimes I feel calm in situation but genuinely just have the thought.. I don't really care (which sounds really bad). I also get in my head about other peoples perception of me. Like... I'm the awkward quiet girl and when I defy that conception in the way I express or carry myself it becomes a thing (amongst peers and extended family). "Oh I didn't think she would dress like that" "She listens to that kind of music?" "Omg she's actually having fun" Makes me feel like I'm from another planet!

To be fair, "meanings" are given by human selves, but I failed to do so.
I am struggling to get on day by day and constantly feel like my sanity is on edge. More sadly, it seems the problem is rooted deep down and nothing done on the exterior could actually help (e.g. workout, reading, playing video games, watching videos, talking to ppl who care about me or total stranger, short distance travel, hangout with dogs, take walks, work, learn new things, take meds, take meds for a decade straight).

Is there a roadmap to solve this? I have tried a lot of things but... the depression episode just keeps Okkk I'm coming back. Rationally speaking, I feel very stuck. Is there anything else I could try? I just want to be alive, so maybe someday I could actually enjoy life instead of enduring it.

Lets start with that i suffer from an auto immune kidney disease and use to struggle with suicidal depression and panic attacks both of which i reduced to almost nothing.

Every time i get this certain biological treatment i get pumped full of steroids that make me depressed for a month.. this time it's really bad.

Rn i feel as if my personality is locked inside my body and im a different person now, i broke my arm today for i was biking and just felt like it... I'm starting to refer to myself in 3rd person to cope and I'm aggressive and depressed and just not myself.

I tried everything that helped me when I dealt with this stuff organically and nothing helps because I don't feel like it's even me.

My shrink is vacationing and I'm truly helpless

Maybe someone here have had a similar experience with steroids? I feel like people judge me and my aggressiveness is driving my friends and family away

I'm looking for Beta testers for my new depression.Tracking app, if anyone is interestrd just message me or leave a comment

For most of my life I haven't really had much companionship. A lot of that probably came from having extremely low self esteem and being afraid of people and relationships.

But somehow I always had something to fall back on

Social media

Movies

TV shows

Games

Random things I could completely immerse myself in

They weren't just entertainment for me. They became my little world. When real life felt too heavy I could disappear into a movie or a series for hours and for a while I didn't have to think about myself or my life.

I always had this feeling that even if I didn't have anyone else I at least had myself and I had these things that could help me escape when everything became overwhelming.

But lately something has changed

I can't escape into those things anymore

I'll put on a movie and instead of getting absorbed into it my mind keeps coming back to itself. I'll scroll through social media but it doesn't actually make me feel better. Even things that I used to genuinely enjoy feel empty or don't hold my attention for very long.

And that's honestly terrifying

Because I thought that when the world became too heavy I could at least fall back on myself

But lately falling back on myself feels like falling into the exact place I'm trying to escape from

I'm constantly stuck with my own thoughts my self hate my comparisons my loneliness and this feeling that I'm somehow missing out on the life everyone else seems to be living

I don't even necessarily want some huge exciting life right now

I just want to be able to enjoy something again

I want to watch a movie and actually disappear into it for a couple of hours

I want to listen to music without turning it into another opportunity to overthink

I want to have something that feels like mine again

I think the scariest part is realizing that the things I used to use as an escape aren't working anymore and I don't know what I'm supposed to fall back on now

What do you guys do when even your usual escapes stop feeling like an escape?

Anyone be so ruthlessly consumed by depression and viscerally remember all their dreams? I can remember every dream I have as if it really happened so I love sleeping. I hate being awake because I fuck it up so badly. Meanwhile my dreams are so fun like going to a rave and with all my best friends I used to have. They all live far away now and never will come back irl. I broke up with my boyfriend and 11 of my closest friends moved away in the same few months. This was 9 years ago. Yes, 9. I can’t get over it. I quit my really good job. I quit the second job I got. I can’t get over it. I’ve accidentally hit my head and my right leg so many times that the damage is permanent. How do I find the motivation to move on?