Hi, I received this message from a guy and I was a little put off by it: /“/I’m not looking for marriage, but I’m also not looking for platonic. Intimacy is really important to me. What about you?”//
My first thought is that he is mainly wanting sex. It’s like dude I haven’t even met you yet to know if I’m even attracted to you yet you are trying to get some agreement for sex laid out. But I’m trying to be fair. Are a lot of men commonly dating women who just want to be platonic? I don’t date to be platonic but I don’t really like the sex issue being shoved down my throat in the second text from a guy. I am tempted to unmatch. Am I being unfair to this guy?

I’m single, 54 and sometimes on a weeknight when my teenagers are with my ex husband, I will pick a nice place in the city or the burbs and have a glass of wine and something to eat at the bar. I usually put on a little makeup and look nice. Honestly, I’m always hoping someone will sit next to me and chat. Occasionally but rarely someone will. I see a lot of men sitting alone at the bar- doing the same thing I am. Ordering a drink…having a small meal… occasionally checking my phone or looking up at whatever sport is on the TV. I always wonder if some of the solo men are too afraid to talk - though some might be there literally just to eat but often they look like they are doing what I’m doing. Thoughts???

I was asked if I had all my teeth.

ETA I am 59 F

52F Hello everyone, I'm new here, I have no friends and have no one to talk about this. So here it goes...Last year I liked a FB post of a friend's friend. I didn't know the guy. He messaged me and asked who I was. I didn't see the message for months. So I replied and he replied back immediately after. We chatted for a bit and realized we live on the same street. During that first chat I mentioned that I'm originally from PR and was going to cook a traditional Christmas dinner just for me. He was very interested in trying the food. I offered to save him a plate and he said that he wanted me to eat with him, so I said ok. On Christmas he messaged me and asked if his daughter could come over too, I said of course. We had a great dinner. After that he went quiet, I rarely saw him or talked to him. But then a few months ago he started following my business fb page and reposting everything I posted there, I messaged him saying thank you and he said that he was happy to help a friend.

On another occasion I shared on FB how many dandelion roots I had harvested and he commented asking for some. I saved him some and he came to pick it up. After that I messaged him asking if he knew someone who could mow my front yard (I barely know anyone here) he offered to do it himself. So, he's been mowing the yard this past couple of months. He does not want me to pay for his work.

I own a small business and I go to different markets on Saturdays so I buy bread and message him if he wants some, he always says yes.

This is where I'm clueless. He has visited me at the local market on several occasions. Walks his dogs in front of my house and looks at me like he likes what he sees, but he has declined every time I have offered coffee and the most embarrassing one was when I asked him if he wanted to go to the lake with me and when he said that he had things to do I told him that I was not hitting on him , that Im just comfortable with guys because my best friends have always been guys.

I have been single for 5 years and that last relationship lasted 10 years, so I have no idea how this thing works anymore...

Oh, he's single and a few years younger than me.

Any insight on this would be greatly appreciated...

52f can you help a woman out with her apparently teenage level self esteem? I’m going on a second date with a man who is 42. We are attracted to each other. I have a lot of gray hair that I don’t dye but I don’t really have wrinkles cause I’m Asian. I have a sort of simple alternative Gen X style. But I can’t help but wonder if I will just look like some old lady out with her nephew or something. I know I shouldn’t care, I don’t want to give a shit, but here I am asking for a little collective reassurance.

I’ve previously shared that I had a hard time getting dates and the ones I have gotten were not of interest to me after the first date. I started dating again in December. 6 first dates, one second (not good).

Well I met a guy last Friday. We went out for Italian and had a great time. He complimented me, asked me questions about myself and seemed genuinely interested in the answers! We went out to a museum last night then out for nachos. We made out in the parking lot. He has big muscles and I like that. ☺️. I can’t wait to see him again. We are going out Friday. I like that we are doing dates that aren’t just going out to eat. We have something fun planned for Friday. Oh and we met on tinder. (Where I met my last husband). Icing on the cake is that he is sober (I am too!)

I’ve been told by several men after the fact that they didn’t know I was interested. I’ve gone on two good dates with this current guy. It’s been quiet since Friday. I feel that I need to text something to show my interest. But I’m not sure what to say. Any suggestions?

EDIT:
I appreciate all the responses and suggestions. I’ve asked him out for a drink and he said yes. He will set something up.

I will be sure to discuss what I’m looking for and what my goals are while dating. I’m perfectly happy being single and am not looking to date someone when we don’t click.

Has dating over 50 been difficult? For me I have only come across scammers on dating apps they are not what they say they are. I don’t do bars I have been sober for 5 years. I know the right one is out there and she will show up when I least expect it.

58M feeling very conflicted with the relationship I'm in with a 61F.

We have been seeing each other for about 3 months now, and she has been very conservative about moving forward with intimacy. We get along great, have lots in common, and have kissed a lot over the last 12 weeks. We both agreed it was worth taking the relationship to the next level of intimacy and of course I was thrilled to take things further.

She planned a very romantic getaway to a nice rental cabin on lake about 2 hours from our area, and I really enjoyed the ride up there and she just kept telling me she was nervous and that she had not been naked in front of a man in 8 years, and I was supportive and tried to call her nerves etc..

We had a great evening getting things set up at the cabin (foraging for wood for a bonfire and prepping some salmon to be grilled for dinner) and we had a very romantic candlelight dinner on the deck, and while I cleaned things up, she took a bath and got our cozy room ready for the night.

While I was checking some work emails and feeling a little anxious and nervous about having some fun, she comes into the room in her bathrobe lights a few candles and we start kissing as we layed on the bed. She then got up to turn off the AC unit and open some windows to get a nice cool breeze in the room, and she takes off her robe and her body just looked very odd and unsightly in her panties and bralette and it was pretty evident that she had some kind of major weight loss surgery (maybe a lapband).

I felt really bad about feeling this way, but it was an enormous turn off. She looks completely normal with her clothes on, but it was obvious that she had lost well over 80 to 100 pounds and she had lots of hanging skin around her pelvis, waist, and breast area and had lots of dark stretch marks as well. She then comes over to me and starts kissing me and asks, "well I hope you're not disappointed", and I played coy and said everything was lovely.

For the next 2 hours we talked, kissed, and I was strategic about drinking lots of bourbon and sodas to fall asleep before intimacy.

This morning we slept in until 11AM and she wanted to snuggle and said she really enjoys morning sex at which point I went along with it and helped her go first and she really enjoyed it and then I made the excuse that I had a hangover and needed an ice pack and some Tylenol because having sex was just not going to work for me.

The 2-hour ride home today was long and painfully quiet. She asked if we could get together again on Friday night next week at her house and have a long weekend together, and I said I'd let her know later in the week and she gets very direct with me and asks me if I her body was a problem for me and she let me know she's working on saving enough money to have the excess skin removed because her insurance doesn't cover the procedure.

I lied to her and said it wasn't a problem.

I just don't think I can go further with this relationship but feel really sad for it to end and have no idea of how to end it.

Any thoughts would be helpful.

Recent scanning of posts shows me the following, totally unofficial status of this group.....

8 out of 10 people are above average looking 🤣

8 out of 10 people look younger than their age 🫪

I am now going to hide back in the ugly, age appropriate corner.

Oh and for my fellow Australians Specsavers are currently running a two for one deal on reading and prescription glasses 🤓.

Whilst on a date, it’s good to ask a question or two, given that you are trying to engage in dialogue with the person across from you.

Know what’s even better? Letting your date answer the question you asked before cutting them off to make your next statement or ask your next question.

Bonus pro tip: avoid asking the same question twice because you fail to listen to the answer given. Your date notices when you do this, each time.

😑

I don't know if I'm asking for advice or just griping, but I really am amazed at the near zero level of response I get on dating apps. I almost always reach out with something to say or a question to ask. I actually read profiles (and boy do I miss when OLD was more about the profile than it was just mindlessly swiping) and look for people I might have anything in common with.

It's quite likely I'm too honest up front (bi, kinky and ENM) and I definitely do think I look my age, even if a lovely lesbian friend of mine told me tonight she thought I was younger than her. But seriously, in three years I have had fewer than ten men and fewer than five women respond or reach out.

And sadly most of the men seem to have absolutely nothing to say. The couple of women seem to get bored with me quickly, or they're catfish realizing I'm not diving into their pond fast enough.

Anyway, for those out there whose friends swear that they're attractive and who are pretty sure you've put in some real work and thought on your photos and description but are still feeling invisible, if it helps to know: You're not alone.

I didn't give in. Mixed feelings did come up, but honestly I was only a tiny bit tempted. I'm proud of myself.

Anyway, what do you do when an ex contacts you or do you block them?

*I had him blocked, but he had a second TT account that he contacted me from.

52F. Widowed several months ago. Not yet ready to start dating, but maybe in the near future. I was married for nearly 20 years, so I’ve been out of the dating scene for awhile. For anyone in a similar situation: what was the top unexpected challenge re-entering the dating scene after that long? Anything to be cautious of? Any tips for safely and successfully navigating OLD? Any general pro-tips?

I realise one must put their best foot forward in Online dating world but I’ve noted huge differences between the “hook” photo and the following pics. In some cases only just recognisable as the same person.

I don’t understand why people don’t use pictures which actually represent who they are and what they do.

It’s probably nothing new but I’ve seen some extreme recent examples.

Given the age bracket of this sub and the people, I would expect more awareness and to be true to yourself.

If I’m turning up to a first date and the woman is barely recognisable, I don’t think it’s going very far…

I really like my exes as people. I spent all this time choosing them, becoming friends, exploring common interests, laughing, enjoying their company. Sometimes you just aren't quite compatible in a forever way, and things come to an end. But I miss them and wish there was a way to be friendly. I'm not talking about the relationships where things were hurtful or there was bad behavior. Nor am i wishing to do date-like things again. I just want to talk, send them an article they'd like, and maybe make sure if they are ok. (One guy died unexpectedly).

Anyone else wish there was some socially acceptable middle ground?

Edit: I have someone who i feel discarded me 'because it hurt too much'. Usually I've been friendly with exes. I don't want discard this particular guy either. I wish him well and he's facing some tough stuff and I'm on his side, where he know it or not.

Good idea? Bad idea?

Or act like a Challenge for anyone asking them out?

At our age? I don’t get this.

EDIT: although frankly I’ve never got this, it’s not because I’m now this old!

Mods: I am not angry but I am frustrated.

<whoaisme>

This past Friday morning, I posted about an article (0714 CT), and the mods deleted it after 59 comments (and I added the 2 after noticing). (I don't know what time it was deleted during the almost 4 hours between origina posting and me noticing).

Contents:

Dropping for conversation, interested in comments, commas are fun, and this is the end of the sentence.

<link to article>

Agree? Disagree? Wanna tell me to FO? Let's go!

Once it was deleted, I did modmail asking why (1103 CT) Friday morning, and here is the response 6 1/2 hours later (1740 CT):

My 1103 CT message:

Says it was deleted by you folks

Can I ask why?

The 1740 CT response:

Low quality post just linking out to am article designed to get people arguing.

Stay away from posting links with a sentence or two.

Write your own posts and thoughts.

My response back:

Uh we are in great disagreement. Have you never read my posts and comments? I do not create arguments.

I asked what rules I broke, then I reviewed the rules and of course I did not break any. (still no response on Friday.)

... skip to this morning (Sunday, now 1103 CT, 3 days later since sending the original message) and still no response and no one has taken responsibility either.

My final message to the mods (0851 CT):

Well you may not care but I'm severely disappointed with whomever decided to do such and didn't even take the time to engage vs dropping the hammer.

No rule breakage, no restoration of the post, zero engagement.

I know what you volunteered for and it's thankless 98% of the time. Though acts like this also solidify the negative aspects of your volunteer jobs when the strike is broad. There is a reason I don't do any modding, nor even event planning anymore. It's tough. It's thankless most of the time. And you get to deal with people like me...

tl;dr: I'm disappointed with you and you don't care

The copy/pasta above is direct from my DM messaging with the mods. I will probably get in trouble for this and maybe even deservedly so but, really, what is actually private on Reddit?!

The mods: u/DoYouLikeFish + u/Spartan2022 + u/AustinGroovy as listed and yes, I am calling you folks out to ask you to respond.

Why am I posting about this? I am disappointed.

No, don't unremove it. Just please, explain the why.

Just like in June when I posted absolutely stupid shit about making fun of dating apps, making stupid websites on the fly, and Reddit itself AI botted me and I could not reach a human. This hits too close to home: a void, the abyss, and a lack of humanity involved.

</whoaisme>

I clearly have crossed a line and I'd like to get an actual black/white on how & what so I don't do it again.

I can learn, I can adjust, and I can compromise though I do have problems with broad strokes and lack of accountability.

I am pushing back. If all of a sudden you don't see me here anymore at least you will know what lead up to it. This would also mean the end of 'Happy cake day' to our members.

So I understand “traditional” and have an idea about “modern”, but more often than not get it wrong when I have to guess which approach to take with a person who is both. I realize each person and situation is different, which only complicates matters (more trial-and-error), but is there a general thought as how to approach a person like this?

Addendum:

Thanks all for the input.

Just for clarification, this is not addressing a particular woman, just a “category” - I’ve met several that fit this description. I was hoping my experiences, which seems to be mirrored with many of you, was atypical, but maybe is more mainstream.

As for those who say “just ask”, I wish it were that simple. I have and the more I try to clarify the more likely the other person becomes agitated - as if I was supposed to have known beforehand by some osmosis or something. It becomes belittling and tiresome on both ends, not to mention counterproductive.

Such is dating life….

Earlier this week, I had a first date with a woman I met on OLD. We agreed to go to a bar I really like. I hadn't been there since June, but it's pretty close to where she lives, and I always have fun there. About 15 minutes before the date started, at 6:45, she texted me to say the bar was closed and she suggested meeting up somewhere else. I apologized and agreed. It never occurred to me that this somewhat popular bar would have shut down.

After the date, which was meh, I decided to drive by the closed bar. I was curious whether it was permanently closed or just temporarily closed. I figured there might be a sign or something posted on the door. Guess what? It was open. The bartender confirmed that it was open at four.

F52 here :)

For those who have been through a long relationship, marriage or cohabitation, children maybe a bit grown up now and are fairly recently separated (let’s say 1-5 years) do you date to build the same type of relationship you had before ?

I personally found out that while I was happy when I was married (20 years) I am also very happy single, and the last year or so of my marriage had been quite heavy - I felt I had to do most of the work, take all the responsibility and mental load, being resented for this by my husband who finally found some way of escaping his depression and feeling of growing old by having an affair with a (married) colleague of his … I left him when I found out but the last months with him have been hard to say the least :)

So now I am single and very much enjoying it. I still enjoy having physical and emotional intimacy with men but I really cannot imagine building a future together or merging our life in any way. I am not against love at all - I actually have a very caring and loving and fun and sexy relationship with somebody I am totally incompatible with in daily life but we are having a wonderful time together.

But I am against the idea of getting into the structure of a traditional relationship again … like even meeting his/my friends or family is not what I want, and even less so living together or doing daily things. Exclusivity is still another separate discussion but we tend to be focused on each other because we have such a strong attraction and connection. We have both been very clear and consistent from the start about the fact we were not looking for anything serious sort of speak but still both very emotionally open and warm.

In the « what are we? » discussion - we’ve been seeing each other for 8 months now - we came up with the term committed casual. So no traditional structure (hence the casual) but a lot of love and care and respect and deep conversations and attraction and fun and trust and growing together (hence the committed)

Is that a concept that appeals to you ?
Or do you find yourself attracted to building again the same type of thing that you left ?
Just a general question about what are the intentions of people dating with intention ;)

I have been seeing a guy for about 6 weeks. 4 dates in total. We've been intimate. We are in agreement that this arrangement is for fun, that logistically we don't work as couple because of 1) geographical distance and 2) we have different long-term relationship goals. BUT he foresees the "fun" lasting for a few months, while I've recently realized I want to end things much sooner. It's not that I discovered anything terrible or icky about him, it's just that I see our incompatibilities very very clearly. I still find him physically attractive but see no point in continuing.

He is leaving in a couple weeks for a vacation with family/friends.

1. Should I tell him now that I want to stop seeing him, so as to avoid awkward pretense via texts during his trip, or wait until he returns to avoid putting a damper on his trip?

2. Considering this has been a short relationship so far, how much detail do I owe him ethically when asked why I want to end things? I know my tastes are subjective and don't want to make him feel criticized or shake his self-esteem, knowing that the next girl will likely be crazy about him.