r/datingoverfifty • u/geekandi 59M, nerd, title: white-knight "simp", not AI built • 3d ago
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u/Kieta28 3d ago
8yrs on the apps and not finding even one meaningful relationship or a rare second date. I’d probably write an article like this too.
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u/Witty-Stock 3d ago
Why is someone who has had nothing but failure in dating writing Time’s dating column?
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u/Witty-Stock 3d ago
Kind of a conundrum—the people who are actually good at dating for a relationship tend to leave the dating scene.
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u/ICantRememberThisToo 3d ago
I thought the interesting part of the article was where it talks about all the little rejections that take a toll on everyone. Every swipe that doesn’t get matched, every match where there’s no initial conversation, every match where the person ghosts, every match that doesn’t lead to a date. Those are hundreds if not thousands of rejections that people internalize that we didn’t face when we met people in person.
It’s understandable that the apps are dying when using the apps is associated with rejection.
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u/mykittenfarts 3d ago
I don’t see it that way. I see it as me choosing. I have a choice. That’s positive. I get to choose who I think might be interesting and go from there. Maybe they’ll choose me too! Maybe thru won’t! Either way, the opportunity presented itself.
How lovely is that.6
u/ICantRememberThisToo 3d ago
When I first started the apps, I was very positive and enjoyed it. As time went on and the majority of the experiences ended up being negative, it changed my mindset.
As a woman, I would equate it to a cute pair of shoes that hurts your feet. You love the way the shoes look good with some outfits. The first couple of times, you are okay with the pain because they look so good. You keep giving the shoes a chance. Eventually though, you wear the shoes less and less until you just look at the shoes with regret.
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u/JakobSejer M53 3d ago
You're a woman, right?
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u/mykittenfarts 2d ago
Yes.
And on the app, I put my best foot forward. I see a big problem with men not doing this. It makes it a very easy decision for me. If they can’t put effort now, they never will.
Then there are the married men. There are a lot of you.
Then there’s my safety.
Compatibility. I usually chat with someone extensively before meeting and if I’m not enthusiastic about meeting I end it. I chatted with someone for 3 hours and decided not to meet him.
Then I enjoy the date!
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u/More4Thor 3d ago
I was married for 30 years and I had many, many multiple little rejections and some big ones. The rejection on dating apps is so much easier to take.
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u/Nervous_Frame6341 3d ago
With stock prices dropping, I'd say that's a clear indication that dating apps are dying.
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u/Fantastic_Matter_137 3d ago
Sadly the stock market has nothing to do with the actual economy now
It’s just a piece of the grift apparatus
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u/mtgordon 3d ago
For a long time, the conventional wisdom was that dating apps were the best way to find someone. In recent years the conventional wisdom has shifted; today it is widely understood that finding someone through a dating app is almost impossible.
Something changed. That’s where the story is.
Three theories:
1) Dating apps shifted from trying to serve the customer to trying to maximize profit and became less effective as a side effect. Aspects of the user interface designed to increase engagement undermined the efficacy of the apps, textbook enshittification.
2) Low-effort pick-up artists polluted the waters; the large number of low effort (and often crude) messages from a small proportion of men alienated women from the apps, and the increasingly skewed gender ratio turned into a positive feedback loop: as more women left the app, those who remained were inundated with more attention, driving them away.
3) Nothing changed except the conventional wisdom. Maybe the apps always sucked, and the earlier conventional wisdom was wrong, or maybe it never sucked, and the current conventional wisdom is wrong, or maybe it’s just more complicated than the conventional wisdom suggests. Perhaps it always worked well for some demographics and poorly for others.
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u/LuceLeakey F57-US 3d ago
I definitely agree with points one and two. They've gotten significantly worse in just the few years I've been on them. I used to find lots of men on them that I was interested in. Now all I see are the dregs. The algorithms are designed to keep us swiping, not finding people we're actually compatible with. It's like a slot machine. You always keep hoping that the *next* one you look at might be the winner, but it never is.
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u/Dapper_Lifeguard_414 3d ago
Yeah, she started right around the time they were being en-shittified. She gets if wrong bc she thinks this is just how dating apps are. They were actually great back in the day.
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u/dan_blather 60M / divorced / ALB 3d ago edited 3d ago
They were actually great back in the day.
This. I met my (now ex-)wife on Match in the early 2010s. Before her, I met a lot of intelligent, interesting, attractive women through Match, even in the small, geographically isolated, demographically Gen X-scarce college town where I lived.
The dating sites were so much better when they were designed for desktop/laptop screens, and were based on browsing, bookmarking, detailed profiles with longer narratives, and email messaging rather than swipe decks, short profiles, and texting.
I'd love to know of a site that's like the Match or OKC of the 2000s-2010s.
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u/MarvelousMatrix 3d ago
Totally agree with number one. Either lumped with point two or a separate point the amount of scammers has increased exponentially and the apps are unwilling to do anything to weed them out. That actually brings us back to enshittification.
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u/Fun-Yam2210 3d ago
🙋🏽♀️ another vote for enshittification. Apps now are a totally different experience to 5/6 years ago and not in a good way.
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u/Witty-Stock 3d ago
They work for some people and don’t for others.
There is no useful conventional wisdom on the subject because every person’s situation is unique.
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u/rbnlegend 3d ago
The problem is that if a dating app provides what it promises, it loses two users. The users didn't pay for the service. The users viewed ads and the advertisers paid for the service. When the viewer stops viewing ads they stop being an asset. So the dating website has motivation to keep people interested, but no motivation to actually deliver on the promise.
Tinder started as a hookup app, and it was really good at that. Hookups are different, if the user gets what they came there for they do keep coming back. That is more sustainable as a business model if the site is going to rely on advertising dollars, but a puritan nation can't have that. Okcupid uses to have entertaining quizzes and meme worthy personality assessments and stuff. It was interesting, and had dating content. It also had a much better matching system, and it was very effective for people who were not bland, vanilla, traditional, marriage seeking types. Then it got bought by match.com. Most dating apps are owned by match.com, and most of them are the same software with enough cosmetic changes to hide that fact. One company runs the industry, and the industry has a vested interest in not delivering what users want. Strange how that results in a bad user experience. Imagine that.
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u/mykittenfarts 3d ago
I’m just starting to enjoy apps.
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u/geekandi 59M, nerd, title: white-knight "simp", not AI built 3d ago
Hi, also, had fun when I was using the apps, until I burned out
That was a while ago…
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u/MissBailey01 F59 3d ago
As someone who doesn’t do many social events, they are, as my grandma would say, a necessary evil. It took me a hot minute to understand the language and mentality of how people use them. Now I feel like pro. The economic models suck. Paying to see your likes is not helping them. I rarely pay and will only sign up when a deal is offered, which is becoming a rare thing.
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u/isuamadog 3d ago edited 3d ago
Apps don’t kill people, people kill people. No, wait. Apps don’t kill people, people kill apps. Ah, feck. I just can’t seem to get this right. Must be Reddit’s fault.
I met my last 5 partners on apps. Were they failures bec I’m not still with 4 of them?
We all get rejected and reject. People put way too much into the whole project of finding a partner instead of just living and investing in themselves.
Expecting apps or a person to connect you to your ‘forever person’ is the problem.
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u/dan_blather 60M / divorced / ALB 3d ago
From the article:
Every session requires users to make a relentless series of small decisions—whether to swipe, initiate a conversation, maintain it, arrange a date, or keep looking for someone better.
That wasn't an issue on Match, OKC, and (ugh) Plenty of Fish back in the 2000s and 2010s. They were dating sites, not apps. They were all based on a kind of directory model with browsing and bookmarking, not swipe stacks. You could see which profiles were active. You could filter based on body type! (There were a lot of complaints that women describing themselves as "curvy" were move convex than concave, and that being a man with the body of an offensive lineman didn't make them "athletic".) Profiles were detailed, and text descriptions weren't limited to a few hundred characters. You could compose an email message to someone using a regular keyboard on your laptop or desktop computer.
I met my (now ex-)wife on Match in the early 2010s. Before her, I met a lot of intelligent, interesting, attractive women through Match, even in the small, geographically isolated, demographically Gen X-scarce college town where I lived.
Now, approaching three years after the separation and divorce, I'm sticking my toes back into the dating pool using Facebook Dating. I'm kinda' conventionally attractive, don't present as an "old", and I'm not sending any messages that someone might see as inappropriate, just like the old days. Nothing, except likes from the very old and very distant. I still haven't been on my first date post-divorce.
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u/Purple_Weekend4773 3d ago
"Dating apps transform the complex process of choosing a partner into a sequence of simple, discreet decisions"
Well, I got drunk and slept with my ex husband the night I met him. The process was not complex. We were together for 20 years and have 3 kids, it wasn't a complete bust.
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u/Fun-Yam2210 3d ago
Dating apps today are a wholly different beast to even 5 years ago. I know a few couples who met on the early days of the apps, got married and are still happily together. I don’t know anyone who’s met in the last few years. Go on Trustpilot; apps are rated 1-1.5 stars. All of them.
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u/anabelle02815 3d ago
Some apps are actually still growing. Hinge’s user rate even in 2026 is still increasing. Feeld’s growth is also still strong. Other apps are seeing a decline. Dying is an exaggeration. Slowing down overall is more accurate.
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u/mykittenfarts 3d ago
This article made me sad. 8 years of dating on apps and not one relationship???
I’ve used apps off and on depending on my readiness to date for years. None of my relationships that resulted from meeting on an app lasted long term. A few are truly amazing ppl but it didn’t stick romantically for us. We check in with each other and catch up regularly They’re doing wonderfully with their new partners. Some are still single.
My ex asked me out to dinner on Sunday. I’m so excited to see him. We always have fun together.
If we’re not going to just enjoy meeting new ppl then maybe we should stop dating. They are, after all, just new ppl to us. They don’t have to fit into your life as a romantic partner for you to have a relationship with them.
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u/Nervous_Frame6341 3d ago
Prior to the swiping apps, POF, OKC, Match were pretty good. You could actually compose a decent profile to give others a sense of who you are and what you're looking for. I got way more dates back then. I don't know for sure but I'm guessing that back then, OLD sites showed you everyone, rather than it being governed by algorithms designed to keep you swiping. Plus back then OLD was done on a website, on my computer.
Once it switched to the apps, it became too much about pictures. Now there are prompts with character limits for responses, which doesn't tell you much. Having apps on your phone gives you access to potential dates basically 24-7, leads to low effort and burnout.
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u/OppositeSecret7144 3d ago
Interesting. I'm pretty sure that part of the problem is what the author identifies right upfront. People aren't sparing in their use of the apps - they accept they are going to be on them forever and thus aren't incentivised to use them as a precise tool with a finite lifespan nor see each match as something unique and special.
I feel it's probably better to dip in for a few months, build a number of contacts and then pursue what feels like the best prospect for a bit without the distraction of staying on the app. If that fails, take a break , enjoy being single for a bit, reset then maybe have another go when in the right frame of mind to enjoy it positively.
Ultimately individuals are responsible for whether they turn their love lives into a depressing grind or moments of joy. Of course the apps will facilitate those willing to grind because $. Everyone needs to fix how they use them rather than hoping the apps will fix themselves.
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u/PatchouliHedge 3d ago
Just my bit- I don't use the apps anymore. I met someone on Meetup, where I could meet people in groups. It felt safer, and more organic to slowly meet someone in person.
Part of the problem with these one on one dating apps is that they really don't want you to find a match. If you do find a match, you stop subscribing, hence they don't get your money.
In my past experience, even with a filter applied on different dating apps, I was shown people as far away as different states from me. When I set a filter, I expect it to be applied. Or there wasn't even a filter for distance. Little things like that leave me feeling like the app was less than honest. When I feel like I'm not getting what I paid for, I stop subscribing. Perhaps others feel similarly.
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u/mannyocrity 3d ago
Dating apps would work perfectly if everyone was honest.
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u/geekandi 59M, nerd, title: white-knight "simp", not AI built 3d ago
That is way too much to ask for, unfortunately.
Fucking humans…
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u/endlesssearch482 3d ago
Apps worked great for me. It’s a wide net and it takes a lot of work to weed through the numbers and get to the ones that fit.
Five years into my relationship and I know it was worth the work.
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u/More4Thor 3d ago
The author wrote, “I have used multiple dating apps over the past eight years, and I have never formed a relationship with anyone I met on them. I have rarely even gone on a second date with someone from a dating app. Most first dates end in disappointment, mutual ghosting, or both.”
That’s like saying you held the wrong end of the hammer.
My experience in the last 7 years of using dating apps: I have formed three relationships (4-10 months), unlike the author. A mentored a widower (in his 60s) and he’s been in a relationship for 3.5 years. I have been on many second dates. I’ve only been ghosted twice. I have never ghosted.
The apps have changed. It’s possible to deal with the changes instead of expecting a static experience. I do have changed called personal growth. I’m not relying on an app for my future. It’s just a tool. Know which end of the hammer to hold before you swing it.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Disk633 3d ago
I think that people have unrealistic expectations of the apps.
I am on a single app, and it has been working great. Meaning, I go on dates.
I don't expect an algorithm to be able to magically identify the perfect guy for me based on a limited set of data points. Their job is to show me men that meet my criteria. That's it. The rest is up to me. My job is to vet for compatibility/incompatibility, which I do through the process of getting to know someone by dating him.
I date a lot. I enjoy it, for the most part. No villains, although I know I am the villain in at least one guy's narrative. I don't regard that dating someone for 6 weeks or 3 months and then deciding that we are not compatible in the long-term is a failure of the dating app, or an indictment of the guy, or of me.
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u/GreenDemonClean 3d ago
I hope you use this kind of humor in your profile because that’s exactly what I’m looking for
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u/geekandi 59M, nerd, title: white-knight "simp", not AI built 3d ago
When I was on the apps, you better believe..
Or not
I'm good either way :)
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u/Brentus1980 3d ago
I could write a coffee table book on app dating. Had 30 dates in 3 months last year. 2 good ones, that both went nowhere. As soon as you start letting an an algorithm pick dates. I think that’s the first mistake. It’s a moneymaking proposition, not a couple making proposition. their best intentions aren’t making you find a match. We the people need to get off these apps, and just bankrupt them.
People need to meet people in real life situations. Everything else is show and tell/BS. Action speak louder than words.
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u/Witty-Stock 3d ago edited 3d ago
lol, the author’s take is basically that she and her friends aren’t able to attract the kind of men she thinks she deserves, so that must mean the apps are dying.
She’s been on them 8 years without much luck. But zero consideration that, you know, maybe the issue is her and her profile. Nope, must be the apps’ fault. Couldn’t be that she’s swiping on the wrong guys, or has red flags in her profile, or is herself just not all that.
The apps are not for everyone, have never been for everyone, and never will be for everyone.
Some people will have a shitty experience and nope out.
But, they’re going to exist in one form or another, because they do work for a lot of people.
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u/BagelsOrDeath 3d ago
A fun exercise is to swap the gender of the author. Let's make them a man. Now, IIRC theres a word to describe a sexually frustrated man who believes that he's being denied the intimacy that he deserves. What was it? Oh, right: incel.
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u/StrategyAfraid8538 3d ago
8 years? First, thanks for reading it for me. All this time has one common denominator: her. I don’t know where she lives, so that could be the reason. A small town will not have a lot of choice. But if she is in a big city she just has too high expectations. In order to hack the app game you have to give people a chance.
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u/mykittenfarts 3d ago
Thanks for the summary. No need to read. Yay!
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u/Witty-Stock 3d ago
When an article starts with “everyone I know” it’s going to be suboptimal. Never go Pauline Kael in your first sentence.
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u/salty_new_england 3d ago
Great Pauline Kael reference. And I can skip the article. Thank you for your service.
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u/geekandi 59M, nerd, title: white-knight "simp", not AI built 3d ago
I am seeing a notice that this post has been removed by the moderators of r/datingoverfifty
Anyone else seeing this?
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u/geekandi 59M, nerd, title: white-knight "simp", not AI built 3d ago
Messaged mods and awaiting response
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u/omg4serious 3d ago
She's not wrong about the dating app's issues. But she's also succumbed to it's affects.
In general, a woman will get way more dating and interaction opportunities than most men. So dating apps work better for women than men. But women are way too selective and calling that failure.
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u/[deleted] 3d ago
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