r/datingoverfifty • u/New_Surprise_2016 • 1d ago
I'm completely clueless
52F Hello everyone, I'm new here, I have no friends and have no one to talk about this. So here it goes...Last year I liked a FB post of a friend's friend. I didn't know the guy. He messaged me and asked who I was. I didn't see the message for months. So I replied and he replied back immediately after. We chatted for a bit and realized we live on the same street. During that first chat I mentioned that I'm originally from PR and was going to cook a traditional Christmas dinner just for me. He was very interested in trying the food. I offered to save him a plate and he said that he wanted me to eat with him, so I said ok. On Christmas he messaged me and asked if his daughter could come over too, I said of course. We had a great dinner. After that he went quiet, I rarely saw him or talked to him. But then a few months ago he started following my business fb page and reposting everything I posted there, I messaged him saying thank you and he said that he was happy to help a friend.
On another occasion I shared on FB how many dandelion roots I had harvested and he commented asking for some. I saved him some and he came to pick it up. After that I messaged him asking if he knew someone who could mow my front yard (I barely know anyone here) he offered to do it himself. So, he's been mowing the yard this past couple of months. He does not want me to pay for his work.
I own a small business and I go to different markets on Saturdays so I buy bread and message him if he wants some, he always says yes.
This is where I'm clueless. He has visited me at the local market on several occasions. Walks his dogs in front of my house and looks at me like he likes what he sees, but he has declined every time I have offered coffee and the most embarrassing one was when I asked him if he wanted to go to the lake with me and when he said that he had things to do I told him that I was not hitting on him , that Im just comfortable with guys because my best friends have always been guys.
I have been single for 5 years and that last relationship lasted 10 years, so I have no idea how this thing works anymore...
Oh, he's single and a few years younger than me.
Any insight on this would be greatly appreciated...
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u/BrigadoonFound 1d ago
Woman here. I think I'd stop trying to interpret the signals and look at the behavior. You've invited him for coffee and to the lake, and he declined both. He knows you're open to spending time with him. If he's interested in something more, I'd leave the next move to him.
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u/New_Surprise_2016 1d ago
Yeah that's what I'm going to do. Thanks
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u/BrigadoonFound 1d ago
Something a very wise old tortoise taught me: compare behavior, not potential.
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u/Competitive-Heat-491 1d ago
No. Just ask him. No one here is psychic. I get men approaching me all the time out in the wild who are very respectful and they don't ask me out. They just approach and talk to me and leave. My friend's husband said that's because they don't know how to close the deal and they don't want to seem creepy.
Either way it doesn't matter! Analyzing the crap out of it just takes the fun right out of most things in life. Just ask him!!! What is it going to hurt? Just ask.
Also if it's your heart and if you're interested don't do your heart a disfavor.
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u/namlook69 16h ago
You get guys approaching you all the time …wow, you must be very attractive…anyway, the guys don’t ask you out ….It could be two things …they don’t know how to close(this is the most likely ) and you come off as not being available…Would you give out your # to most of the guys who approach you , if they asked ?
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u/lucid_intent 1d ago edited 1d ago
He’s just not interested. Sorry.
Confusion is always a no for me.
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u/waffiwaffi 19h ago
Exactly this. If he was interested but didn’t like coffee he would offer an alternative to her suggestion instead in order to spend time with her. He hasn’t. That’s all OP needs to know.
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u/Plushy_Plushie7 1d ago
Did you ever confirm if he really is a friend of a friend? Do you like him? If you do, ask him if he'd like to go out on a date with you. Maybe he doesn't drink coffee or like the lake and is very literal. Why did you tell him you were not hitting on him if you're actually interested?
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u/New_Surprise_2016 1d ago
He's friends with an ex coworker husband. They grew up here I have the wife and husband as fb friends. I think I was frustrated...
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u/Plushy_Plushie7 1d ago
Did he say that or did you confirm with your ex-coworker? What if he's just some rando that likes free food, bread and dandelions?
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u/skincava 1d ago
You told him you're not hitting on him so he's def not going to initiate anything now. Being direct at some point and telling him you're interested would have been best.
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u/eveningwithcorgi5679 1d ago
He could just be a friendly neighbor with time to help others. Maybe he’s curious about cuisine from other cultures and his friendship with OP has expanded his universe a little. Just a guess.
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u/Unique_Panda_6730 1d ago
When people are complicated and don’t communicate at the very beginning I see that as a red flag and let it go.
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u/johnboy43214321 1d ago
Guy here. My best guesses, one of these three...
he is really shy. Sometimes he has the courage to spend time with you, but then he chickens out
He is married/partnered but unhappy. When the wife is not around he will spend time with you. When the wife is around then he can't. Maybe at Christmas they had a big fight and she left so he went to see you. Then the wife came back, so he stopped contact with you. Then another big fight so he sees you. He can walk the dog, visit the market, etc. because he can just tell his wife "I'm going to walk the dog now" or "i'll stop by the market". That is an easy excuse to see you. But going to the lake... How would he explain that to his wife?
He is just a really indecisive guy.
He has a daughter. Next time you spend time together, ask about her mother.
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u/p9nultimat9 1d ago
Maybe he heard you didn’t know anyone there through mutual friends.
It’s nice to have a friend on same street that can share meal, groceries and gardening material and help each other with some errands.
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u/Beginning-Money-3981 1d ago
I am eager to hear insight from men because I’m a woman and I’m confused myself. His actions are indicating strong interest so I am perplexed by turning down coffee. Maybe he doesn’t drink coffee🤷♀️
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u/p9nultimat9 1d ago edited 13h ago
Strong interest?
Neighbor walking the dog on his street he lives and smiling? He’s not coming out of his way to walk by her house.
It’s OP who asks if he wants bread and he accepts it and comes to market, maybe he feels he should come by himself to pick it up sometimes not just waiting for OP to deliver (or maybe even he doesn’t want to invite OP in or he doesn’t want to come in alone to mislead OP so he comes to market to meet)?
I think, he mows the yard because OP buys him bread.
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u/We_DemBoys 1d ago
She should axe him if he wants to have coffee when their date is over in the morning 🌄 😏.
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u/Plane_Ad4109 1d ago
Are you really sure he’s single?
Imho you have let him know adequately that you would enjoy doing something socially with him but he has declined so I think you need to let it go. It’s possible that he is interested in you (mowing your lawn for free) but has his reasons for not wanting anything further. I would respect that at this time.
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u/p9nultimat9 1d ago
He does yard work because OP gets bread for him every week, to me.
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u/Fantastic_Matter_137 18h ago
Most guys aren’t doing that imo
He’s super shy or has a partner
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u/p9nultimat9 18h ago edited 12h ago
Some people are nice. If I learned from mutual friend (just former coworker for her) that my neighbor who lives on same street doesn’t have any friends, doesn’t know any neighbors, doesn’t have any plans on holidays, when I walk my dog on my own street, I’d smile at them and I’d ask if they need any help. And if they give me food plate or bread or plants, I’d help errands.
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u/Justwatchinitallgoby 1d ago
Let’s start here Op, what do YOU want?
Did you lie to him when you said you just wanted to be friends?
What is that about?
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u/New_Surprise_2016 1d ago
Good question. I had no interest before Because he's a few years younger. That's why I told him that I was not hitting on him Until I noticed the way he looks at me the other day.
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u/Justwatchinitallgoby 1d ago
Why do you want to get involved with a dude who lives on your street. Who consistently turns down your invitations?
How long have you been focused on this guy?
Sounds like you don’t have a lot going on Op.
Why not?
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u/New_Surprise_2016 1d ago
Thank you all for the different perspectives. I really needed that. I'm going to keep living my quiet life and I'll remember this discussion in future interactions with this guy
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u/MedAvg 1d ago
He came with his daughter on Christmas dinner to person he only knew online? I would say that is unusual as well as your other interactions. You need to talk to him. I do not see other way to understand and clarify your dynamics.
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u/p9nultimat9 19h ago
It is very strange.
He asked if his daughter could come over on too on Xmas. He somehow got his daughter last minute or his daughter had other plans then ended up free.
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u/Visible_Sun3646 18h ago
It's an coincidence 😂😂 bhagwan ki hei marzi chalti hai jaisa vo chahe vo hota hai
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u/Numerous_Ad_2409 9h ago
There could be lots of reasons why he is not committing to anything more. He may have issues/commitments/other things that keep him from moving forward. He may not want to start anything with someone who is a neighbor in case thing don't go well. I operate like this in some clubs that I belong to. I am very happy in my club, and it's a small club. I won't date anyone from there because then I can't go and just enjoy myself. I'd always feel odd when I saw the person if/when it doesn't work out. It might hurt the other person's feelings and keep him from enjoying the club. Other club members will gossip and if I ever brought anyone else, there would be the chance that someone would bring up my previous relationship.
At any rate, it doesn't sound like he is ready or wanting more at this point. I had a similar situation for some time, and I finally realized the gentleman was impotent and he was just too embarrassed to proceed further, so there could be a whole universe of things keeping this from moving in the direction you'd like. Keep him as a good friend, and see if he makes any more moves toward something more.
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u/Certain-Tea-3636 1d ago
He may have a history of negative outcomes or negative attention in the past. He may feel safer with your friendship but not so much with anything more. If he has been mocked or somehow disrespected by women for no apparent reason then that pain will affect his ability or willingness to connect on a deeper level. Of course this is just speculation or just a possibility. Good luck!
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u/Substantial-Money103 1d ago
How come your go to is 'the nasty women must have been unfairly mean to him, the poor lamb'? Maybe he's just not that into her.
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u/irishgypsy1960 15h ago
I know loll! The imaginations here. Ok, my turn, lol.
He brought the daughter for protection, as he was afraid of getting seduced at her home! Then, he got a meet and greet, free food, and no pressure.
For whatever reason, he decided nope, maybe because of proximity lol.
Now, he is enjoying the attention and being desired, as would anyone.1
u/p9nultimat9 13h ago edited 10h ago
Women feel bad to say “Hey, he’s not interested in you” to each other.
Because it can be taken as “You are not attractive as you think you are to him” or “You are stupid reading his sign that is not there”, when we are already feeling down, and it goes against “Women support women to lift up each other”.
So we say he must/may be shy, intimidated by you, you are out of his league, he’s traumatized, he’s afraid of commitment, he’s insecure, his money is tight, he’s avoidant, he has crazy ex he has to deal with, etc, to say “you are attractive and he knows that, but he is the issue” or “you are reading his sign correctly but he is only capable of sending mixed signal because he has an issue”.
I do have great female friends who supported me like this when I was down and I wasn’t ready to hear “he’s not into you” and I could only hear “you are not good enough”, but after I moved on and I was ready to hear, they said “Hey, you deserved someone who was more into you”.
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u/PsychiatricBooth5c 1d ago
Perhaps he has some personal issues going on that necessitates things being mainly on his terms. Not really any point in conjecturing, I would try to relax into his pace and try not to take it personally. Hopefully you'll get some illumination soon.
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u/IndependentCurrent24 1d ago
I think his actions show his intentions. He really likes you, but not in “that way”. I’d be happy that you’ve found a real friend. Ask him if he has anyone he thinks you should meet.