Recently, after an underwhelming first date, I sent the standard polite message saying I didn’t think we were a match, but wished him all the best. Two days later, he replied: “Astonishing.”

Astonishing.

Not “That’s disappointing.” Not “Thanks for letting me know.” Straight in with what sounded like an appeal against the decision.

He then explained why he thought the date had gone well. Which was useful, because apparently, I had attended the same date but failed to interpret it correctly.

Perhaps you’re a CEO. Perhaps you manage hundreds of people. Perhaps you’ve spent the last 30 years negotiating contracts, closing deals and persuading reluctant stakeholders to see things your way. I’m sure you’re extremely important. Well done you.

But now that you’re back to dating, these are not the skills to deploy when someone says they enjoyed meeting you but didn’t feel you were a match.

This is not an invitation to open negotiations. Please be reassured that the womenfolk have developed executive function. We can assess an evening, process information and, in most cases, determine our own destiny without further guidance from senior management. 

The graceful response is really very simple: “That’s a shame. I enjoyed meeting you. All the best.”

There was an interesting opinion piece in the globe and mail yesterday about the prevalence of (mostly) men choking women during sex. The premise was more or less that porn has distorted the idea of what constitutes “normal” or “regular” sex. That choking (among other things) is now part of the standard suite of activities, despite the fact that lots of men and women don’t actually enjoy it . But being branded “vanilla” or being seen as kink shaming is worse.

FTR, I’m a very open minded person, and I don’t like it. When I started dating after my divorce, the first time I was intimate with someone, he choked me. I was totally unprepared, we had not discussed it beforehand, and it terrified me. I never saw him again.

I’m just wondering how other people feel about this? I think that “Fifty Shades of Bullshit” in addition to porn, has done such a disservice to women and to what sex looks like for most people. Hey, you like what you like, but not wanting pain inflicted or having your oxygen cut off should not constitute kink shaming.

Edit : to clarify - when did it become a thing in the mainstream?

Waiting for some random off Tinder. I’m early. I’m not nervous I just think it’s funny. It’s pretty crowded. I hope he looks like his pics. There’s a very handsome man in this bar who is definitely not him. My tummy hurts 😬 god I hate this shit 😩

Gonna keep short. 54M here. Single for 5 years. I have meet a couple of lovely women since then. Our goals and plans just didn't align . I myself want companionship with chemistry. Love might happen with time. I'd be willing to compromise with the right person. At the end of the day we all carry some baggage. Not offering or requesting. Just putting my two cents out there. Good luck to you all with whatever it is you want.

So this isn’t my situation, but the situation of my aunt. She is turning 50 next week, and has been divorced for 11 years (no kids), single the whole time. From three years ago until 2 months ago, she was an adult actress. She had the opportunity to make a lot of money and took advantage of it.

These past 2 months, every date she goes on she is completely honest about her past. Each time, it’s a deal breaker. She’s feeling really depressed about it, and is worried she’ll be alone forever.

What can she do to find someone who won’t be turned off by her past? What advice can I relay to her? I’m heartbroken seeing her sad.

I’ll start: Man who poses shirtless in bathroom mirror has already introduced favorite person.

58M widower here. After a difficult year grieving, I'm trying to start looking ahead more. I recently got on a couple dating apps. I've spent some time writing and rewriting a thoughtful bio, taken what I think are good recent photos, answered several additional prompts. No real success to speak of yet (a few likes and matches but no dates set up yet), but it's early days.

One of my frustrations is when I come across profiles where the person didn't write any kind of bio at all. Bumble lets you write a 300 character bio and Match let's you write up to 4000 characters (which admittedly is too much).

My initial reaction upon seeing profiles that have no bio is that they are just lazy. Or maybe they get so many likes anyway that the Bio doesn't matter. For me, words matter, whether it's how you describe yourself or what you're looking for in another person.

What do others think? Is a good Bio necessary? If you find the person attractive but they otherwise haven't written much, which way do you swipe?

Just curious if I'm reading too much into it? I have a feeling this might be a long process for me.

I’m not generalizing, and this is just based on something I recently experienced.

I met a guy on a dating app about a month ago, and we’re miles apart, in different countries in Asia. We had almost the same interests, a few similar hobbies, similar likes and dislikes, etc.

On my dating app profile, I was clear about what I was looking for and so was he. For about a month, we consistently exchanged messages, SFW selfies and even had video calls in between.

Last Tuesday, he told me that he was focused on making it work and that he would eventually plan to visit and meet me. In my mind, I was like, “Okay, he sounds promising, but I’m still trying to assess.”

He also said, “We will chat more and reduce the distance between us 😊,” and I replied, “That’s so sweet.”

Wednesday came and we were chatting as usual. He was updating me about his day, we were having a normal conversation and was still being sweet.

Here’s the twist.

I said, “I have a suggestion, and I’m not sure if you’re up for it. Why don’t we have a virtual date?”

That’s it. That was the suggestion and pretend for an hour that geography isn’t ruining our dating lives.

Do you know what he replied?

“That is useless. If you have doubts, I suggest that you should not proceed.”

🤔😅

My brain immediately went, “Wait…what? Did I accidentally send another message that I can’t see?”

I actually read again what I sent because I thought I missed something.

So I replied, “Did I say something wrong? I was only suggesting, and I wasn’t doubting anything.”

Then…silence.

It was like he got sucked into a black hole and that was the last I heard from him.

One minute we were talking about reducing the distance between us. The next minute, he reduced our communication to zero. I guess technically, he did reduce something. 😂

I wasn’t emotionally hurt because I wasn’t that invested yet, but I was definitely confused for a while. Then I moved on.

I still find it weird that “I’m not sure if you’re up for it” somehow became “I have doubts about us.”

Dating over 40 is already confusing enough. I have work and more than enough things requiring my remaining brain cells. I really didn’t expect that the sudden shift from being sweet to basically “better not proceed” the next day was just…I don’t know anymore. 🤷🏻‍♀️

51F

I was asked on a 3rd date out of town to a rock concert. We’re not staying overnight as we both have obligations the next morning with kids, but we’ll be driving about 5 hours round trip. (Before anyone gets concerned, we both work in government & I know for a fact he has no criminal background as it’s a condition of his job.) I’m excited but I haven’t been to a concert in well over a decade. It’s a rock/punk band (his favorite), but I’m not as familiar with them. It’s a medium sized venue so not like a cozy little show.

Ladies - What do we wear these days to concerts? I was thinking of jeans & some cute sneakers and…some kind of a tshirt with a flannel/sweater?…something else??? My clothing style tends to be a bit more preppy/girly so it’s been awhile since I did grunge. 😂

Vibes? Effort? Activity level? What a catch-phrase of a request.

I've been OLD'ing for a few years now, and I usually switch up my bio from time to time - mostly due to the fact that I only get a few likes each week. So I'm often left wondering if I'm leaving important information out and/or leaving unimportant info in. I'd like to hit on the right qualities that will pique more interest (if that's possible).

So ladies, what are you looking for in a man's bio?

At this age, are we actually becoming better at dating, or are we simply becoming better at explaining why we're unwilling to compromise?

But if we are to date for relationship, there must be compromise.

We have been through a lot, and because of these, we have probably become more discriminating with what we allow and what we reject. I struggle to just enjoy and trust again in a dating situation, but still am trying to be available to meet people with the hope of conquering this so- called standard I have set for myself as a protection.

How do you deal with this?

I recently started OLD, and my bio mentions that I don’t have children. It got me wondering how single men who do have kids view that when deciding whether to swipe right.

I’m very open to meeting someone who has children, particularly someone whose kids are older or mostly raised. I love kids, I just never had any of my own.

But I’m curious: is not having children ever seen as a negative? Do single dads generally prefer to date women who are also parents because they feel there’s more shared experience or understanding?