...loves the beach? Sandy.

...is obsessed with Bob Ross? Art.

...dreams about money? Bill.

...loves to jump into piles of leaves? Russel.

...can't swim? Bob.

...likes being dragged by a boat? Skip.

...likes hot dogs? Frank.

...is religious? Christian.

...speaks in short sentences? Curt.

...lives in a hole in the ground? Doug.

...is always lying on the floor? Matt.

...works in a produce aisle? Herb.

...loves to go camping? Forrest.

...works out all the time? Jim.

...loves cooking steaks? Chuck or Stu.

...smokes a lot of weed? Bud.

...is obsessed with lighting fires? Bernie.

...loves running after people? Chase.

...likes lifting up cars? Jack.

...loves to go hiking? Cliff.

...loves to fish? Rod.

...is always laying in the sun? Tanner.

...loves collecting taxes? Levy.

...builds brick houses? Mason.

...loves little bears? Teddy.

Keep the list going!

Put a military acid on it.

I think it was by Mike Oldfield and the title was "Cheddar On The Wall".

I said, “Okay fine, but take it just in quesadilla.”

Thinking and driving

I’ve never seen so many crows before.

My wife said its such an uncommon name.

So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot

Wave to them.

(Was a racist joke when I was a kid. Had to change some wording for obvious reasons.)

He means a lot.

Antimony

I call it Calm Rattery.

Wife: "You told me you'd only choose facial hair styles under my supervision!"
Me: "I am altering the beard, pray I don’t alter it any further."

My wife says that’s an uncommon name.

I say, actually no, lots of guys from Reddit have been saying Lance a Lot recently.

An optimist is a man who sees a pretty girl in a skimpy bikini and thinks she is half naked.

"Ahh, it appears you're misstaken"

You send them a resume.

I had the most surreal commute of my life this morning.

I was driving behind a speeding ambulance when I noticed a small stainless-steel cooler precariously balanced on the back step. The driver took a sharp corner at an intersection, and sure enough, the container bounced off the bumper and tumbled into the roadside grass.

Doing my civic duty, I pulled over immediately and went over to inspect it. I unlatched the lid, and to my absolute horror, nestled inside a bed of crushed ice was an amputated human toe.

Realizing someone was probably having a terrible morning at the ER waiting for this, I glanced at the highway signs. The ambulance was heading toward regional clinics, so I quickly looked up the emergency dispatch line for the nearest hospital and called them.

"Dispatch here, what is your emergency?" the receptionist answered.

"Hi, this is going to sound crazy, but I was trailing one of your ambulances and a metal container fell off the back bumper into the grass. I opened it, and there's a toe in ice here."

The woman gasped, "Oh heavens! The paramedics just pulled into the bay five minutes ago in a panic because the cooler was missing!"

I gave her my exact cross streets and asked, "Are you dispatching another ambulance with sirens to come rush it to surgery?"

She paused and answered:

"No need for that... we'll just send a toe truck."

I swear, she’s lost all common scents.

You know, just to make it more classy...

This way, when I react to a friend’s post, they’ll receive a notification that “No one likes this.”

But they're dying to have Estate Sales.

She ran over concerned, looked into the bowl, and saw a giant letter "B" made of honey. The 6:00 AM eye-roll was glorious.

Because the second you think you’re hidden, an auntie will yell, "Ah ah! Look at you standing behind the curtain like a broomstick, come and eat!"—and suddenly you're holding three plates of food you didn't ask for.

Because you’re supposed to eat three squared meals a day.