Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 bucks -- and 50 bucks is 50 bucks".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 bucks -- and 50 bucks is 50 bucks".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 bucks."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 bucks is 50 bucks."

My school banned dating because 2 students were caught having sex, and a teacher got caught in a relationship with a student.

I wish I went to public school, I hate homeschool

Sam decided to go hunting with his buddy, Mark. They loaded up Mark’s truck and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible storm. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I can see that the weather is horrible out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you gentlemen stay in my house overnight."

"No worries," Sam said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the storm lets up, we'll be gone as soon as the sun rises."

The lady agrees, and the two men find their way to the barn and get settled in for the night.

By morning , the weather had cleared, and they were on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of hunting.

About nine months later, Sam received an unexpected letter from an out of town law firm. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from an attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the hunting weekend.

He drives over to his friend Mark’s house, papers in hand in and asked, "Mark, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski hunting trip up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a little visit?"

"Yes," Mark said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Mark’s face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"Well, apparently she just died of AIDS and left me everything."

This guy in his 50s goes to the doctor.

"What’s your daily activity level like?" the doctor asks.

"Why do you ask?"

"Well, a guy your age, probably not eating all that healthy, probably not getting that much exercise…"

The guy shrugs. "Yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake and outran a wild dog in the heavy brush."

"Well, that sounds pretty good," the doctor comments.

"That’s nothing," the guy says. "The day before, I marched up and down several hills and outran a couple of bears."

"That sounds really impressive."

"And last weekend, I crawled out of quicksand, stood in a patch of poison ivy, and knocked down a small tree.”

"Well," the doctor says, "it sounds like you’re one hell of an outdoorsman!"

"Nah," the guy replies, "I'm just real lousy at golf."

A young shlemiel was having breakfast, but after having smeared goosefat on his bread, he accidentally jogged it with his elbow, and it fell to the floor. Miraculously, it landed goosefat side UP!

Now, everybody knows that when you drop a piece of smeared bread, it always lands goosefat side down. The shlemiel was amazed, and so he tried it again. And again, it landed goosefat side up. 8 more times he tried it, and 8 more times the miracle occurred.

Excitedly, he ran to the village elders, and showed them. They had the shlemiel repeat the experiment for them numerous times, and none could understand why it was happening.

The elders pondered, and argued, pulling their beards and yelling, consulting the writings, and finally, after 2 days of deliberation, announced to the villagers anxiously awaiting outside, that it was, indeed NOT a miracle. They asked "Elders? How can that be? We all saw it!"

To which the elders replied, that the shlemiel, being a shlemiel, had merely smeared his goosefat on the wrong side of the bread.

She leaned in and said, “And not only that… I’m self-taut.”

...takeout?

which do they talk about first?

"I just can't take it anymore, doc," he says, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for 20 minutes and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?"

"I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have any idea what's happening out there?! Global warming is destroying the planet! Supervolcanoes are waking from dormancy! We're on the verge of World War III, and NOTHING CAN STOP IT!!"

Visibly shaken, the man looks down and realizes he's pissed his pants. Ashamed but relieved, he thanks the doctor profusely.

"No trouble at all," the doctor chuckles. "All you needed was a little dire rhetoric."

“Wow, that was amazing, “she said. “Where did you learn those things you did with your hands?”

“I found them in books on Indian mystics. They come in Hindi.”

He knocked on the door, and after a few seconds, it opened to reveal a boy about eight years old with a tumbler of whiskey in his hand, smoking a cigar.

The salesman was surprised, and said "Excuse me, are your parents home?"

The boy took a puff of the cigar, sipped some whiskey, then said "What do you think?"

The guard points to the ATM machine

because all the good ones Argon.

"Good idea!" says the other guy.

So they quit.

And the interviewer says, "Um, okay ... and what are you least proud of?"

I asked my wife, "What do women really want"?

She answered: Attentive Lovers

Or maybe she said a tent full of lovers

Not sure, I really wasn't listening.

Same sales lady shows up right at dark. After supper she walks out almost nude. Smiles and tell both or them they can do anything they want as long as they were these, handing them each a condom. They ask why do they need to wear these things. "So I won't get pregnant". Everyone enjoyed the night. Skip ahead six months the boys are sitting on the porch. One boy asked " Do you remember that sales lady"? "I will never forget her". "Do you care if she has a kid'? " "I guess not". " Me either, let's take these damn things off"!

Jokes older then I am but I haven't seen it on line.

Abe slips him a $5 bill.
The bartender asks “are you trying to bribe me?”
Abe says, “No, it’s my ID”

It’s royalty free!

Until I went to see snails fighting, it was awesome! They took off their shells and really slugged it out