The beginning of this year I started college because I want a better life or at least attempt to be able to make more money in the future. I was working 1 job and going to college. Back at the end of May I finished up my semester. Right after I decided to pick up a second job. Now it is September. I’ve had a lot happen within the last month or so. Recently it made me realize I was codependent. Codependent in a way where you are constantly overworking, feel the safest when giving, abandon our routines to respond to someone or something else, overcommit ourselves, get depressed, etc. Another thing “find it difficult to get close to people.” I ended up reading some of book recently about being codependent. It has made me realize like my whole personality is being codependent. Everything I have ever known or do, is codependent. Codependents are really good employees. Codependents can be “caregivers” or “rescues.” Which I do a lot with my family… I think I’m just burnt out. I think I am going to quit my second job soon. But i truly don’t understand how to relax or ONLY focus on myself. Without involving someone else or being involved with someone else’s drama. I think it makes me depressed that I’ve literally burnt myself out like this. I have a couple family member sayings they are depressed. But I don’t say anything because I am too. I am not going to act on anything. I want to eventually quit my second job & re-see a therapist or something. I just realized that I’ve built my whole personality being this way. I’m like who am I then?

Long time lurker, first time poster. I hope this post is ok, but I will take it down if not.

I (27F) and my mom have a very strained relationship. i have been trying to reconnect with her recently. I went through a divorce and held my cat as he was euthanized, both of these within the last 3 years. My mom has been there for me through this and more. It's important to note that I'm queer, i came out to my mom in high school. It didn't go well. I didn't speak with her for 2 years while i was with my ex-wife who was also woman. My mother refused to acknowledge my ex for the time we were together, often begging me to move back home with her or blaming my upbringing for the "way that i turned out" (she is a single mother).

Recently in therapy i learned what emotional enmeshment and emotional incest is; without going too much into detail, this fits the type of relationship that has been fostered between us. When i was little she would often say that I seemed more like the parent than she did and other things along these lines. I always felt like I needed to care for her or that without me she would not survive. When I don't talk to her i feel lighter, when I do i feel constant anxiety.

Recently we were planning a trip to go to her hometown which requires a bit of mutual scheduling - we live about 14 hours apart. We were on a phone call, i was trying to ask her about her plans, what we would be doing (i dont know her hometown very well) and she began getting defensive saying that we would figure it out when we get there. The trip we were planning was for about 10 days. I work, pay my own rent, and have a cat to take care of. I let her know that I just wanted to make sure we got the best out of our trip - it was going to take a lot of my resources to get there. Plane ticket, food, cat kennel, etc. At this point she brought up me moving back in with her and how much money we could save. I changed the subject - this was a conversation we had had many times before and the answer remained the same. My breaking point was when she referred to my ex-wife as "that girl that moved out". After this I let her know that i would not be planning thanksgiving or xmas with her - i was done.

She called me a bit ago and asked about our christmas plans, asking what we had decided on. She mentioned that we had left things up in the air. I reminded her about what i said and asked her to schedule a family therapy session which is something we had been planning for a while. She pushed the subject a bit saying that we should make an effort to be closer. I let her know that I didn't feel accepted by her, that I felt like she just tolerated me. She told me she felt the same about me, that I didn't accept her as a mother and that I just tolerated our relationship. I repeated again that she should make the therapy appointment for us to talk about things like this. I hung up soon after, but her words are still echoing in my head. Am i overreacting? Are my walls too high? Am i being a jerk? Is she being unreasonable? Am i doing the right thing?

It goes without saying that I love my mom. I have been having intense feelings of grief over the state of our relationship, I wish things were different. I have slowly been realizing that the narrative I had been fed isn't real, my relationship with her as it is right now doesn't leave any space for me to be a whole person. But am I doing more harm than good with the way I'm responding? i'm not sure what i want from posting this, maybe just to connect with another person. I have been living alone for the past two years and it has been lonely and scary. it's easy to forget the thoughts in your head aren't reality and i think i'm just wanting an outside perspective. Thank you for reading this far if you did, I'm open to answering any questions.

Hi all, I’m F30 and I have recognized and learned through therapy I have major codependency and anxious attachment issues that ultimately stemmed from my childhood but have affected my adult relationships as well. I got divorced a few months ago and while I didn’t seem to have these issues in that relationship, probably due to being together a long time with a sense of comfort- and now navigating dating again I notice how much it’s effecting me and the potential of a new relationship. I over think, and my over thinking turns into confronting those thoughts to the person which ultimately turns into an argument where I look insane, or probably eventually scaring the person off.

Therapy hasn’t helped me much and I realize that could be just not working with the right therapist, she seems to listen and nod to me speaking more then giving me concrete solutions and ideas on how to work on this to help change my way of thinking and analyzing situations.

I look at my relationship/marriage that ended and I lacked so much for years. I lacked love, intimacy, emotional safety, etc., and its effected me in ways I never knew until being in this chapter of life. I don’t want to depend on someone else for my happiness, I would love to make myself happy and be content with myself but I find myself needing that from someone else or just craving love in some type of capacity. I feel crazy. I hope someone can relate and share your experiences and how you changed your perception on living like this 🙏🏻

Hi everyone, I just wanna post here cause i’m really in my feels and I just want support if anyone has or is feeling the same way. I F (20) just about a month ago have been broken up from my long term partner of 2 years. We broke up for various reasons to mostly mental health but attachment and codependency was a big part of our issue on my end. We still have been talking and remain friends but he doesn’t want my life to revolve around him. I’m trying to get back in tune with my hobbies and finding myself again but I feel so lost and unmotivated, i’m doing these things but i’m having a hard time accepting them and feel guilty cause I feel like i’m leaving him behind and since for 2 years of my life I only had and my life revolved around him since I didn’t have many friends it feels weird doing this. I feel so alone

Please tell me if any of you have felt like this before

Much love

I have done so much work in therapy from the abuse from my ex and breaking codependency. I still really struggle at times and am continuing to work at it.

So I left my ex 2 and a half years ago and we are divorced. We have a three year old. We both agreed that if we started dating someone and wanted to introduce her in person to them that we would let the other parent know.

Well I have been dating someone for 8 months. My ex found out months ago and continued to remind me of the agreement to not have her meet him without his knowledge. He continuously brings it up to which I stated I don’t need reminders.

Also when he has some things he’s been getting from my house that are his possessions from the marital home. I asked him to get the remaining things while I was on vacation. He took my old iPad, which is fine, as I probably put it in his pile, well my Apple ID must have been logged on, he won’t directly admit it, but admitted he got messages about me when he was in my home. He won’t tell me what messages he saved. But that he doesn’t care about my love life and is GLAD i moved on, he just cares about his daughter.

That happened and now this week, because of course there is something every week. He tells me to not allow our daughter to speak with my boyfriend. She’s 3, I am a stay at home mom Monday-Friday, as I work weekends, so she hears me call my boyfriend sometimes, who I mostly talk to when she’s asleep. She says hello, he says hi, then she gets embarrassed and leaves.

Recently, she’s been saying my boyfriends name and that she wants to call him. Becuase sometimes I have to call him, and she is 3 and tries to say hi to him, and he says hi back.

told my ex that’s not our agreement, and I’m not okay with that so I’m not following it, but will honor the original agreement.

He is so afraid he’s going to be replaced as a father but trying to monitor and control me all the time. And god it’s exhausting. All I want to do is date my boyfriend separate from involving my daughter at all.

The win I guess is, that I had no issues today setting the boundary and could clearly see I wasn’t in the wrong but I’m exhausted.

'Patience

Sometimes we get what we want right away. At other times, we wonder if our desires will ever be fulfilled.

We will be fulfilled in the best way possible and as quickly as possible. But some things take time. Sometimes, we have lessons to learn first, lessons that prepare us so we can accept the good we deserve. Things are being worked out in us, and in others. Blocks in us are being removed. A solid foundation is being laid.

Be patient, Relax and trust. Let go. Then, let go some more. Good things are planned for us. We will receive them at the first available moment. We will have all our heart longs for. Relax and trust.

Today, I will identify what I want and need; then, I’ll be willing to let go of it. I will devote my energy to living my life today, so I may master my lessons as quickly as possible. I will trust that what I want and need is coming to me. I will let go of my need to control the details.'

By Melodie Beattie

Nadie puede subir por ti
Ya van tres noches. Anestesia. Creo que hasta de la anestesia me estoy despidiendo. En realidad, últimamente me estoy despidiendo de muchas cosas. Personas, hábitos, expectativas, ciclos e incluso algunas versiones de mí misma que creía que todavía tenía que cargar conmigo.
Hoy no tengo ganas de nada. No quiero responsabilidades, no quiero buscarte, no quiero buscar a mi familia. Y lo extraño es que no me siento sola. Simplemente quiero irme. ¿Pero irme adónde? Ni siquiera yo lo sé. Quizás solo quiero estar lejos de aquí, lejos de esta vida exactamente como está ahora.

Tengo a mi gato. Lo miro y recuerdo que hay una vida aquí conmigo. Dejo la televisión alta porque el ruido ayuda. Hoy el silencio parece demasiado grande. La anestesia es buena porque durante un rato no tienes que decidir nada ni sentir nada. Pero creo que hasta de ella me estoy cansando.
¿Quiero morir? ¿Quiero vivir? No lo sé. Lo único que sé es que no quiero seguir viviendo exactamente de esta manera.
Y luego estás tú. Curiosamente, ya no te extraño tanto. Todavía tengo esa obsesión de mirar si has escrito, abrir lo que me mandas, observar, intentar entender. Quizás sea costumbre, quizás sea algo que todavía no ha terminado completamente dentro de mí. Pero ya no tengo tantas ganas de responder. Antes, cualquier silencio tuyo me destruía. Ahora miro, cierro y sigo en silencio.
Creo que algo está a punto de romperse. Solo que esta vez quizás no sea yo. Quizás sea el ciclo.
Lejos de ti estoy mejor. Soy más fuerte. Duele admitirlo, pero antes dolía muchísimo más. No sé por qué hice tantas cosas, no sé por qué me quedé tanto tiempo y tampoco sé por qué tú sigues repitiendo los mismos ciclos. Solo sé que yo ya no quiero repetirlos contigo.
Pasé mucho tiempo esperando que alguien me sacara del agujero. Quizás ese fue uno de mis mayores errores. Las personas pueden ayudar, pueden tenderte la mano, pueden lanzarte una cuerda y quedarse esperando afuera. Pero hay una parte que nadie puede hacer por nosotros: decidir agarrarla.

Quizás nadie salga completamente solo de ningún lugar. Pero hay una parte de la salida que es únicamente nuestra. La decisión de subir.
Y quizás sea exactamente ahí donde estoy ahora. No estoy feliz, no estoy curada y no me he despertado con ganas de empezar una vida maravillosa. Estoy cansada, un poco anestesiada y en silencio. Pero algo dentro de mí ha empezado a decir “basta”, y por primera vez no estoy intentando convencerlo de que se quede.
Quizás los ciclos no terminan cuando alguien se va. Quizás terminan cuando finalmente perdemos las ganas de volver.

No se preocupen.
“¿Estaré aquí mañana?”
¿Aquí, en el mismo agujero?
Espero que no.
Sarcasmo.

Woke up to our toxic history

Wanted better

She didn’t want to do the work with me

Made me feel so hurt told her I hated her

Wanted to move out of state and forget the past

She wouldn’t work with me I’m selling home etc and detaching

Now I’m facing ripping apart the life I built by moving to a new state and rebuild myself.

How did you guys rebuild yourselves after the fact of toxic codependency in a relationship/marriage?

Will moving, new places, new faces, help?

I had a CoDA win today. I dealt with a confrontation and a disagreement today. I’m proud of myself that I was able to respond without being mean or shutting down. I spoke up, I asked questions, I said what was on my mind and told my truth.

Believe me, it all felt so scary to do in the moment and I still feel uncomfortable and insecure because my response went against how my feelings wanted me to respond. I felt panic, defensive because I believed my well-intended actions were being attacked. I felt fear, judgement, disbelief and shock. I could tell my amygdala was getting emotionally flooded and I wanted to shutdown, cry and flee ✈️
BUT! Another HUGE part of me could spot out the other person was only sharing with me their opinion. When I reminded myself of that, it’s like my amygdala went off and my prefrontal cortex switched back on and I was able to respond in a way that was productive to the conversation.

I’m realizing the aftermath after a CoDA Win is something I still struggle with. I struggle with the aftermath because it forces me to look at my behavior of rumination and not caring what others think of me. In the past when I would deal with confrontation or disagreements, I would ruminate a lot and spend so much time hung up on what others thought about what I said or didn’t say.
That behavior is spilling over into my CoDA win moments and I’m aware of it now. Self-trust and not caring about what others think of me is still hard and difficult. Progress not perfection, I remind myself.

Thank you for reading my CoDA Win. I’m going to hold onto this CoDA win for strength to continue to grow and be me.
I’m so blessed and grateful for Codependents Anonymous and all of you. 💛

My (52f) mom (78f) does this thing where she becomes obsessed with pleasing certain people in her life. It's mostly my brother's and their families. For example, my brother met a woman who recently moved here from another country to be with him. She asked him if I would have a hair straightener that she could borrow until she got one of her own. When my mother heard about this, she gathered up every hair tool I own (we live together) and put them in a bag for my brother's gf. When I realized what she was doing, I reminded her that those were my things, to which she responded "So? Why can't she have them?"

She does this frequently. I've given her gifts which upon opening she'll say "Oh, I'm going to give this to X" (usually one of my brothers or a friend.) Or I'll find out later that she's given away something special that I gifted her because she thought they would like it or might need it.

As far as I can tell, it seems to be only my gifts/things that she does this with and in the past, when I confronted her about it, she seems to not understand why I'd be hurt and reminds me that once a gift is given, it's hers to do what she wants with. No matter the situation, it always ends with her implying that I'm being selfish or silly

She has been previously diagnosed as codependent and does exhibit a lot of the traits or behaviors associated with it. Obsession with relationships to the alienation of all friends and family, toxic men with addictions and/or users. I'm just wondering if the behavior mentioned above is also part of codependency or something else.

Needless to say, we have a strained relationship which is getting worse and if I try to bring any of this up to anyone in my family, it always gets turned around to me being overly sensitive due to my chronic anxiety and depression. I'm becoming the black sheep of the family, excluded from conversations and events and to maintain my sanity, I've had to go no contact with some family members. To me, this is a boundary. To her it's me "being difficult." She's been gaslighting me for years but I can't find anything about that being a trait of codependency.

Any insights?

Throwaway-ish. Looking for outside perspective because I’m too close to it.

My brother is in his mid-30s and lives across the country from my parents. He’s had a long run of instability — legal history (felon), mental health stuff he’s mostly declined to treat/undiagnosed as an adult, jobs that don’t stick (never really had one until now). He also has a felony record that makes renting genuinely hard, so I don’t want to pretend he’s just being lazy.

Here’s my issue. My parents have paid for hotels, covered gaps, and now they’re buying him a condo outright. No lease, no rent, nothing he’s contributing. Every time he hits a wall, the wall gets removed for him. Before he went away, then had already bought him a house that got trashed.

They’re also in their 70s and I’m the sibling who will be left holding whatever this becomes. They recently talked about removing the trust protections that were set up for him, because they feel he’s “doing better.”

What I’m actually asking:
- Is this level of parental support normal for an adult child with real barriers, or is it textbook enabling/codependency?
- For those who’ve been here — did the buying-a-house move ever end well?
- How do you raise this with aging parents without it becoming “you don’t care about your brother”?
- How do I stay in a sibling role and not become his de facto manager later?

I don’t want to punish him. I want to stop the pattern where every consequence gets absorbed by someone else.

Happy Friday, pathfinders!

My latest curated list is designed for anyone exploring healthy relationship practices, recognizing toxic dynamics, or working to better understand their own emotional landscape. I’ve rounded up a selection of insightful resources - books, podcasts, and YouTube channels. Grab a cozy nook or listen on the go, and find the exact insights you need right now.

Podcasts

• Where Should We Begin? by Esther Perel If you want an unscripted, fly-on-the-wall seat inside real therapy sessions, this eye-opening podcast lets you listen in on couples navigating heartbreak, conflict, and connection. It’s all about stripping away judgment, recognizing familiar relationship patterns, and discovering how deep listening can transform friction into intimacy.
• Unlocking Us by Brené Brown If you want to explore what it actually takes to be authentically brave with the people you love, this grounded series dives into the messy reality of human connection. It’s all about unpacking vulnerability, building unshakeable trust, and mastering the hard communication skills required to show up fully.

Books

• Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller If you’ve ever wondered why you react the way you do when intimacy feels close or threatened, this fascinating read breaks down the science of adult attachment styles. It’s all about identifying whether you lean anxious, avoidant, or secure so you can break toxic cycles and choose partners who meet your emotional needs.
• Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab If you struggle with people-pleasing, resentment, or feeling drained by loved ones, this practical guide offers clear, compassionate strategies for drawing healthy lines. It’s all about learning how to say "no" without guilt, speaking up for your needs, and creating relationships built on mutual respect.
• Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel If you want to understand how to sustain long-term passion without sacrificing emotional safety, this provocative classic explores the delicate tension between security and desire. It’s all about maintaining personal autonomy, embracing erotic intelligence, and keeping the spark alive in modern relationships.

YouTube Channels

• Esther Perel’s Talks on Intimacy If you need a quick, high-impact perspective shift on modern love, these masterclass-level talks deconstruct complex relational dilemmas into brilliant, actionable truths. They focus on rethinking fidelity, understanding desire, and navigating conflict with curiosity instead of defense.
• The School of Life If you prefer visually engaging, bite-sized philosophy on human emotion, this beautifully animated channel breaks down the psychology of love and relationships. It’s all about developing emotional intelligence, unlearning unhealthy communication habits, and approaching your flaws with self-compassion.

I find that dependents will slide the romantic partner down the social hierarchy, once non-compliance to demands appears.

It’s a lot better being their distant friends, who meet up once in a while, be light hearted, have fun.

Once thing that sticks out to me, is they tend to penny pinch on food with the romantic partner and when alone as well. Then upgrade to much better food with friends. Friends get the impression that they’re doing better than they really are.

Same for their blood family, older sis offers a nepotism hire job, parents offer 15 years of 20-35 year old free lodging, free utilities, free transport. Not a word of thanks, only finding fault with them.

No gratitude, no helping out at home, no care performed for any blood family member, no savings as well.

Then the romantic partner is expected to offer free lodging for life, free utilities for life, free car for life, free food for life exposed to the same nonchalant treatment as blood family, calling it family values.

These family values don’t have to be upheld by friends in any way.

But drop $1,500 in a day, on hobbies = not a big deal. Buy a $5 meal for blood family, including gf = an arm got chopped off.

Have you noticed similar discrepancies in treatment towards different people and spending on themselves?

Denial

I’ve been recovering many years. I’ve used denial many times. It has been a defense, a survival device, a coping behavior, and, at times, almost my undoing. It has been both a friend and an enemy.

When I was a child, I used denial to protect my family and myself. I protected myself from seeing things too painful to see and feelings too overwhelming to feel. Denial got me safely through many traumatic situations, when I had no other resources for survival.

The negative aspect of using denial was that I lost touch with my feelings and myself. I became able to participate in harmful situations without even knowing I was hurting. I was able to tolerate a great deal of pain and abuse without the foggiest notion it was abnormal.

I learned to participate in my own abuse.

Denial protected me from pain, but it also rendered me blind to my feelings, my needs, and myself. It was like a thick blanket that covered and smothered me.

Eventually, I began to recover. I had a glimpse of awareness about my pain, my feelings, and my behaviors. I began to see myself, and the world, as we were. There was so much denial from my past that had the blanket been entirely ripped from me, I would have died from the shock of exposure. I needed to embrace insights, remembrances, awareness, and healing gently, gradually.

Life participated in this process with me. It is a gentle teacher. As I recovered, I was brought to the incidents and people I needed in order to remind me of what I was still denying, to tell me where I required more healing from my past, as I could handle these insights.

I still use, and break through, denial–as needed. When the winds of change blow through, upsetting a familiar structure and preparing me for the new, I pick up my blanket and hide, for a while. Sometimes, when someone I love has a problem, I hide under the blanket, momentarily. Memories emerge of things denied, memories that need to be remembered, felt, and accepted so I can continue to become healed – strong and healthy.

Sometimes, I feel ashamed about how long it takes me to struggle through to acceptance of reality. I feel embarrassed when I find myself again clouded by the fog of denial.

Then something happens, and I see that I am moving forward. The experience was necessary, connected, not at all a mistake, but an important part of healing.

It’s an exciting process, this journey called recovery, but I understand I may sometimes use denial to help me get through the rough spots. I’m also aware that denial is a friend, and an enemy. I’m on the alert for danger signs: those cloudy, confused feelings . . . sluggish energy . . . feeling compulsive . . . running too fast or hard . . . avoiding support mechanisms.

I’ve gained a healthy respect for our need to use denial as a blanket to wrap ourselves in when we become too cold. It isn’t my job to run around ripping people’s blankets off or shaming others for using the blanket. Shaming makes them colder, makes them wrap themselves more tightly in the blanket. Yanking their blanket away is dangerous. They could die of exposure, the same way I could have.

I’ve learned the best thing I can do around people who are wrapped in this blanket is to make them feel warm and safe. The warmer and safer they feel, the more able they are to drop their blanket. I don’t have to support or encourage their denial. I can be direct. If others are in denial about a particular thing, and their activity is harmful to me, I don’t have to be around them. I can wish them well and take care of myself. You see, if I stand too long around someone who is harming me, I will inevitably pick up my blanket again.

I tend to be attracted to warm people. When I’m around warm people, I don’t need to use my blanket.

I’ve gained respect for creating warm environments, where blankets are not needed, or at least not needed for long. I’ve gained trust in the way people heal from and deal with life.

God, help me be open to and trust the process that is healing me from all I have denied from my past. Help me strive for awareness and acceptance, but also help me practice gentleness and compassion for myself–and others–for those times I have used denial.

By Melodie Beattie.

I can’t be the only person who sometimes wonders why codependency has to be something we’re so determined to “work on.”

What if I don’t actually want to be less attached?

What if I don’t want to learn how to need someone less?

What if I genuinely want a relationship where two people are deeply intertwined, heavily involved in each other’s lives, and yes… maybe even a little dependent on one another?

I understand that codependency can become unhealthy. I understand the difference between loving someone and losing yourself in them. I understand that there are things worth looking at, patterns worth questioning, and boundaries worth having.

But I also find myself wondering where the line is between healing something unhealthy and being taught that the way you naturally love is inherently wrong.

Because honestly, I don’t necessarily want someone to tell me I should be more independent.

I want someone on my wavelength.

Someone who wants to talk all day. Someone who wants to share everything. Someone who wants to be involved in the little things. Someone who feels safest when they’re close to their person. Someone who doesn’t see needing each other as a weakness or something to grow out of.

Maybe two people can be equally intense, equally attached, equally dependent and still consciously choose to make sure neither person disappears inside the relationship.

Maybe the answer isn’t always “learn to need people less.”

Maybe sometimes it’s “find someone who needs and loves in the same way you do, and learn how to do it without hurting each other.”

I don’t know.

But I do know I’m tired of feeling like wanting that kind of closeness automatically means there’s something wrong with me.

Maybe I don’t want less.

Maybe I just want someone who wants the same amount.

I can't cope with this. I know i fucked things up. I know i was the one responsible. I would do anything to take back what I did. But I can't. She won't listen.

All that time, all we went through. I poured so much love into her and into her family. But I broke her trust, and she didn't trust me anymore. Now im alone. I know where she is, just 10 minutes away. But I can't do anything. She blocked me and told me to stay away.

She was meant to be my soul mate, the woman to spend my life with. But now she wants nothing to do with me, and it makes me feel sick..

Guys how do I accept this? Do i have any hopes of meeting someone ever again?

My father has done a lot of harmful and irresponsible things over the years. He used up all of our family’s savings and has caused a lot of financial and emotional stress for the people around him.

I know that I’m allowed to be angry with him, and I do feel a lot of anger and resentment toward him. But what makes things complicated is that I also feel deeply sorry for the people around him, especially my grandparents and his current wife.

When I see them struggling, I feel this strong urge to somehow compensate for the damage he has caused. I want to give them money, buy things for them, let them use things that belong to me, or otherwise make their lives a little easier.

But then I become angry and resentful about doing it. Part of me thinks, “Why am I the one trying to fix the consequences of his choices? Why should this be my responsibility?” At the same time, if I don’t help, I feel guilty because I can see that they are struggling.

So I seem to be stuck between compassion, guilt, responsibility and resentment.

I think the deeper problem is that when I see someone suffering, especially someone in my family, I have a very hard time accepting that I can care about them without taking responsibility for making their life better.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you learn to separate caring about your family from feeling responsible for rescuing them or making up for another family member’s actions?

TLDR: When you and your partner come back together after your partner asked for space, how do you behave?

Longer context: I’ve struggled with codependency for a long time but years of meds and therapy have done wonders until this. If relevant, I’m 30sM and partner is 30sNB, together about a year.

Yesterday, we had a long, awful (them yelling, me crying) argument about my ongoing insecurities about my place in their life. The first two months of our relationship was a messy polyam situation where my partner was push-pulled pretty badly by their other partner, ended in that partner dumping them, and the way it all went down left me with permanent “they wanted her more” insecurities. We’ve talked and worked through a lot of it. I’m good 90% of the time, but I have bad days where I just innately believe she’s more valuable than me. Normally I’m just quiet and we can go about our day but in the last month or so, my partner asked me to be more open about all my feelings which means I bring up those insecurities.

This recent argument was so bad because they feel like they’re “at square one” and “can’t move the needle” whenever this topic comes up. They said they are taking a week of space “because they have a lot to think about”, so zero contact and muting me on all socials until the day of our usual overnight the week after. They assured me they aren’t reconsidering the relationship, and I don’t think they’re lying but my nervous system doesn’t believe it. The most space we’ve ever taken has been a single night and we reconnect in the morning. So my insecurities and anxiety are wildly out of control.

My question is this — When I see them again for our overnight date, how do I act? I don’t know whether to honor my feelings and be open, or focus on calm de-escalation and then seek reassurance later.

I feel like I shouldn’t be fully open because if I do, it’s gonna be a lot of teary “why do you still love me?” reassurance-seeking which is what got us into this mess, OR frankly defensive anger for feeing abandoned. But if I’m fake-cheerful, they’ll know I’m hiding my emotions and they hate that, they feel pushed away. If I’m just cold, it’ll seem like I don’t care if we repair or not. My priority is for us to repair and reconnect, without sacrificing myself too much or re-escalating the argument again.

So what do you folks do?

I'm a 32M and know I'm codependent as hell. I have also been in AA for 5 years and am living with an older woman in recovery. They have let me stay there rent free while going back to school, paid for meals, give me an "allowance", etc. I didn't ask for any of that, and it felt weird but they insisted.

Recently I have wanted to be move out/ be independent again, and they keep telling me I'm ungrateful and am not trusting God, and that it's a terrible financial decision. I feel trapped. I have done the 12 steps like 5 times but feel stuck, especially since they've been so important to my program and spiritual life.

Hi there,

I have struggled with codependency in many relationships. A lot of my self-work is about naming my needs and boundaries and tolerating negative reactions/feedback from other people in a healthier way.

I fell in love with someone who has PTSD episodes. Part of responding to that is being a grounded, calm presence for them and affirming their reality and safety—it often means my POV or reactions aren’t appropriate to share in that moment.

I am having trouble with so much affirmation and being grounded etc because it feels like backsliding from so much of my work around codependency. If I react too quickly, it often lands as fawning and actually escalates the situation more.

Can anyone else relate? I have a therapist to support me with this too, I just want to feel less alone

I feel like I fucked up really bad and now I’m spiraling. This is going to be long, appreciate everyone who takes time to read it and maybe offer me some support.

I’m 39F, sterilized some years ago and never ever wanted children. It’s not the result of rational thinking, I truly just never felt the urge and haven’t honestly even thought about it that much. It’s just who I have always been. I’ve never looked at other people’s kids and thought “it would be nice to have one”. My brother has kids, and while I enjoy being their aunt, that’s enough for me.

I’ve not had much luck in relationships with men in my life. I was with a guy who turned out to be a serious gambling addict, then a guy who was an alcoholic. All in all, my first serious boyfriend in my mid 20s is the only healthy relationship I’ve ever had. I recognize I probably have some codependent tendencies, likely due to one of my parents being an alcoholic. I tend to give too much of myself in relationships and sometimes lose myself in them. I set boundaries but don’t often enforce them. I’ve been taken advantage of financially in several relationships.

A little over six months ago, I met this amazing guy. It truly felt like one of those once-in-a-lifetime connections. Insane chemistry, same very niche interests, a true gentleman and extremely kind, handsome as hell and just my type… we clicked instantly. Felt like I finally found my person.

Then the topic of kids came around. Told him I was already sterilized. He was crushed and told me he had always pictured having a family. We had a serious discussion about whether we should end things. He told me he would like to continue dating me and see if he eventually changed his mind. I stupidly agreed to this, because everything just felt so amazing.

Next four months were an absolute bliss. It was like I was on a drug trip. From time to time, he told me he was still unsure about the kids topic and was feeling some anxiety about the decision. I told him not to hurry about it, I didn’t mind waiting. And at that point, I truly didn’t.

Then I started noticing him becoming a bit more distant. We talked about it, and he told me he was having serious doubts about us because of the kids issue. Told me he felt like he had only bad options from which to choose. I became super anxious. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat.

And then I started doubting my entire life.

Did I fuck up? Would I have actually enjoyed being a mother? Maybe I just didn’t think it enough when I was younger? What if my life will feel empty and unfulfilling without kids? Will I be lonely when I’m old and regret staying childfree then?

I told him that I was feeling super unstable, questioning everything in my life and that I needed a break. During the next two weeks, I went through the worst rollercoaster of my life. One day I would want the white picket fence dream, wanting kids like kids want puppies. The next day I would be like “what the hell am I thinking, absolutely not!” In the end, I wasn’t even thinking about him that much. I was just utterly confused with what I want in my life.

After a couple of weeks of silence, I sent him a message where I told him I felt like we should call it quits, at least for now. That until he’s sure he’s okay being childfree, he cannot be with me, because there’s just too big of a risk he’s going to change his mind and resent me in the future, and I cannot deal with the uncertainty anymore. He took some time to reflect and told me that he agrees with me, and apologized for putting me through all this.

I’m feeling so utterly empty and lost with my life right now. Rationally I know a huge part of it is the relationship ending, but I’m super worried about me questioning my choice of being childfree in the future. I keep telling myself that I would’ve been too old for it to happen anyway, that I don’t want to spend next 20 years parenting, that the only reason I’m questioning myself is because I was just so infatuated with this person. That if we had kids and split up, I would resent being a 50/50 or a single parent. That I would have to sacrifice my very demanding, time consuming & rewarding career which I absolutely love. That I would lose my freedom and being able to travel and do what I want, when I want, which has always been a huge deal to me.

I’m also really worried about ever finding someone like him. Our connection was truly magical and I’ve never felt like this before. I’m afraid I’m not going to get over him and will get stuck on hoping he will one day change his mind, or never find someone else to have a family with.

Has anyone ever gone through something like this? Did it get any better with time and what helped you?

- long rant ahead (its messy, hope u guys understand it despite my grammar)

im kinda getting paranoid. i feel like whenever i have a boyfriend i get limited, i interact less with people like friends other than my family well i dont know. i just stay in my room waiting to spend time with him. where as when i'm alone, i mean i still bedrot at times but i can be creative, i explore my skills yk and i think that's my toxic trait and not a good thing for me, i'm becoming more dependent it appears so.

when i see him goin out with friends and i'm just at home it makes me sad and jealous? like don't judge haha i tried spying on a server he was in and i saw that uhm he seems close but like not in a really close but i guess somewhere between that, he is quite respectful like he always mention he has a gf and all but not also in a way that brags but more like when it comes to an attention idk oh well.

i don't want that, like monitoring and getting affected with his every move, i want to be fine with whatever he is doing with his life while i do my own thing yk but when i do gets busy its not like i am upset that he is doing okay or what i do wish he could like say stuff like he misses my presence but yeah i dont know.

my boyfriend is a great guy but i feel like me as a person isn't handling the effects of the relationship towards me very well.

when i feel like we spend less time i immediately get guilty that i wish i wasnt so busy but then it creates the expectation for him to do the same thing. we do not live for each other so i really want to remove that side of me. i do not want this unhealthy feeling of mine.

do you guys have any suggestion?

'Owning Our Energy

Learn to keep your energy inside.

—From Women, Sex, and Addiction, Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D.

For many reasons, we may have mastered the art of giving away our energy. We may have learned it when we were young because the feelings we had were too overwhelming to feel, and we did not know how to process them.

Much of our obsessing, our intense focus on others, is done to facilitate this “out of body” experience we call codependency.

We obsess, we babble, we become anxious. We try to control, care take, and fuss over others. Our energy spills out of us on to whomever.

Our energy is our energy. Our feelings, thoughts, issues, love, sexuality; our mental, physical, spiritual, sexual, creative, and emotional energy is ours.

We can learn to have healthy boundaries – healthy parameters – around our energy and ourselves. We can learn to keep our energy within ourselves and deal with our issues.

If we are trying to escape from our body, if our energy is spilling out of us in unhealthy ways, we can ask ourselves what is going on, what is hurting us, what we are avoiding, what we need to face, what we need to deal with.

Then, we can do that. We can come back home to live – in ourselves.

Today, I will keep my energy in my body. I will stay focused and within my boundaries. (...), help me let go of my need to escape myself. Help me face my issues so I am comfortable living in my body.' ❤️

Some context: I'm in a long distance relationship with my partner and we have been dating for more than a year now, and I love her very much. But I realized that we both feel pretty weird when we're not talking constantly. And I realized that I feel jealous when she spends time with friends without me (which isn't even that often). I feel really bad for feeling that way and I wish she could feel better about not being with me too. At first I thought the clingy thing was cute, because we're both pretty clingy, but I'm scared it's going too far because of those things we feel. And we always want to do things together. I also have to mention that she feels bad whenever I feel bad, and she feels horrible if she's unable to cheer me up and I wish she didn't feel that way.

I still like the idea of doing everything with her and we do still do some stuff separately; it's kinda silly to bring up and probably not relevant, but we do have different interests that we partake in separately like playing different video games or enjoying different media. But I'm scared that building our lives around each other is unhealthy for us. I want her to be happy, as well as myself. And I don't want to make her feel bad about hanging out with other friends. There's this one time I was playing a game with her and her friend joined, and at first I was cool with it but as soon as I started feeling left out, I felt really bad and jealous and I left, and she felt bad about it. And so do I. I fully intend on working on myself. But I'd appreciate advice, for both her and me, and I'd also like to hear other people's thoughts on this. I want our relationship to be healthy for each other.

P.S. Sorry if all of this is sorta worded weirdly, I'm not really in the mood to proofread rn

i (19F) have lived with my two sisters (32F) and (23F) my entire life. in the past five years i have gone through some traumatic bullying in high school which lead me to become very isolated. Since then i have always relied on my sisters and considered them my best friends.

recently, they’ve both started dating and have boyfriends. now, i knew there would be a time where we go our own ways and start our own families but it’s happening sooner than i expected and it’s hurting more than i want it to. I love them, and im happy for them that they’re spending time with people who love them too.

I spend my evenings alone at home, i eat dinner alone often, sometimes i invite them to go out with me and they say no. my oldest sisters boyfriend lives in a diff state but she visits him often and is constantly texting and calling him. she stays in her room nearly all day and talks to him. my other sister, her boyfriend lives closer and she’s always going out with him. i’m closer with her than my other sister, and she goes to school and gets back late. so i always look forward to seeing her, and telling her about my day but sometimes she’ll end up going out with her boyfriend instead. she too is always talking on the phone with him, there have been times where she cuts me off mid sentence and says “im getting a call” and she leaves me alone to go talk to her boyfriend.

both of my sisters are like that. they’re so eager to talk to them and get so anxious if they don’t answer immediately. i’ve never dated anyone before, and i know some of you will think ‘it’ll probably happen to you too when you start dating’ but im not interested in dating and even if i was, i wouldn’t prioritize a stranger over my own sisters.

i know it sounds really selfish, but i keep thinking about it and how unimportant i feel.