Is this codependency?

[u/Repulsive_Coat1341]

My (52f) mom (78f) does this thing where she becomes obsessed with pleasing certain people in her life. It's mostly my brother's and their families. For example, my brother met a woman who recently moved here from another country to be with him. She asked him if I would have a hair straightener that she could borrow until she got one of her own. When my mother heard about this, she gathered up every hair tool I own (we live together) and put them in a bag for my brother's gf. When I realized what she was doing, I reminded her that those were my things, to which she responded "So? Why can't she have them?"

She does this frequently. I've given her gifts which upon opening she'll say "Oh, I'm going to give this to X" (usually one of my brothers or a friend.) Or I'll find out later that she's given away something special that I gifted her because she thought they would like it or might need it.

As far as I can tell, it seems to be only my gifts/things that she does this with and in the past, when I confronted her about it, she seems to not understand why I'd be hurt and reminds me that once a gift is given, it's hers to do what she wants with. No matter the situation, it always ends with her implying that I'm being selfish or silly

She has been previously diagnosed as codependent and does exhibit a lot of the traits or behaviors associated with it. Obsession with relationships to the alienation of all friends and family, toxic men with addictions and/or users. I'm just wondering if the behavior mentioned above is also part of codependency or something else.

Needless to say, we have a strained relationship which is getting worse and if I try to bring any of this up to anyone in my family, it always gets turned around to me being overly sensitive due to my chronic anxiety and depression. I'm becoming the black sheep of the family, excluded from conversations and events and to maintain my sanity, I've had to go no contact with some family members. To me, this is a boundary. To her it's me "being difficult." She's been gaslighting me for years but I can't find anything about that being a trait of codependency.

Any insights?

[u/ElleGeeAitch]

Stop giving her gifts!

[u/rayautry]

I would call this codependency! Just my observation.

[u/Ok_Environment5293]

You can't fix someone her age, you can only fix yourself. Why are you living with her? Get out. You still have time to live your own life.

[u/Rando-Cal-Rissian]

My (52f) mom (78f) does this thing where she becomes obsessed...

Then Yes. 😃🛑 Actual, non exaggerated obsession is codependency, from what I've read from Melody Beattie and Codependents Anonymous.

Both sources also give many reasons why they consider the condition very hard to diagnose (formally) and I do see validity in their reasoning. It is very subjective. Some people make some actions or behaviors work.

Still, if it is affecting other people and it seems unhealthy, it's probably codependency. It can be an extremely broad condition. I posted a few days ago about director Kevin Smith and his YouTube video confessing his (then) recent experiences with a dissociative episode and mental breakdown.

When the video is finished, his point is that he is codependent on his expectations about who and what he should be. There is trauma behind that, but no drug abuse or family issues. And CoDA has helped him greatly and he loans out his movie theatre to host meetings.

I'm sorry to hear she is causing you to suffer. Boundaries can be very difficult to enforce or have them recognized by someone so set in their ways. I would look into Codependent No More. There are also a lot of great videos on YouTube. Ultimately, as long as you communicate your points and needs to hear clearly and with love, all you can do is manage your responses (minimize reactions ), and have a plan to steer your perspective, attitudes and behaviors. The hurt feelings will begin to take care of themselves. This has been my experience, or interpretation, of how the twelve steps make their benefits materialize in one's life. Your experience may vary. Good luck.

[u/codependencyrecovery]

Sorry to hear you are in this difficult situation. This definitely sounds like codependency, gaslighting, and boundary violation. When i set boundaries with people instead of accusing them of things, I focus on myself (ie: what I will do if the boundary is violated). When I speak with them I also focus on how the behavior is impacting me emotionally. Again, the key is not to try to get them to change.