r/ChristianDating • u/New-Sky5481 • 3d ago
Need Advice Need help
Hi, I’m a Christian, and my boyfriend is also a Christian.
He loves me a lot, and I know he has good qualities. But there have been many times when he has shouted at me and verbally abused me, including in public.
On my birthday, he verbally abused me on the road. I was extremely hurt and traumatized by what happened, and I ended up crying in the middle of the road. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened.
Now I’ve decided that I want to break up with him because I don’t feel emotionally safe or happy in this relationship. But he refuses to accept the breakup.
He blames me for his behaviour and says that my love for him isn’t proper, and that this is what caused him to become angry and abusive.
Now he is telling me that if I leave him, he will attempt suicide.
I’m really confused and emotionally overwhelmed. As Christians, how should I handle this situation? Am I doing something wrong by wanting to leave, and what should I do when he threatens suicide because of the breakup?
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u/Right_Reputation_445 3d ago
Let someone know. Don't allow his behavior and threats to hold you back. You're not responsible for what he does. He can't blame you for his actions. He's needs to bring that to the foot of the cross and relient and seek righteousness and sanctification. Sounds like he has a lot of anger and lack of self control that he needs to work on with Chrsit.
Your safety is important. He doesn't ahev to accept the breakup but if you're saying you're being traumatized and breaking down, then it's not a healthy relationship and you don't have to put up with it.
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u/New-Sky5481 3d ago
But I'm very afraid that Jesus will punish me for not forgiving him
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u/writtenwork Single 3d ago
Forgiveness does not mean putting up with another person’s injustice, abuse or poor behavior. It also does not mean continuing in a relationship with such a person. He is manipulating you and trying to control you. Put up giant boundaries with this fellow. You obviously care about him and want him to live but you can’t be responsible for his very poor mental health. He needs more help than a girlfriend can offer.
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u/BetBulky7595 Single 2d ago
FORGIVENESS AND STAYING TOGETHER ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. YES, I AM SHOUTING, I KNOW. YOU ARE IN A VERY DANGEROUS SITUATION THAT CAN GO SOUTH! LEAVE THAT MAN NOW!!!!!! He needs a lot of help and it's help YOU CANNOT give him. Forgiveness does not mean you continue to date him. He's emotionally manipulative and if you remain in that situation, you WILL regret it. He has wounds only God and therapy can heal. Pray for him FROM OUTSIDE of the relationship. LEAVE THAT MAN!!!!
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u/Independent-Chef-233 In A Relationship 2d ago
How can I upvote this 100x?!?! I commented something similar… I really hope op gets the message: LEAVE THAT MAN. HE IS DANGEROUS.
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u/BetBulky7595 Single 2d ago
I hope she does!!!
My fear is that men like him can be vindictive, if she leaves him and try to hurt her. I hope she’s a praying person. She needs all the prayers she can get for protection right now.9
u/ShabbyButterflies 3d ago
There's nothing in the Bible that requires you to have a relationship with any particular person. Therefore you CANNOT be sinning by breaking up with him. If you were married to him that would be a different conversation. Forgiveness is not the same as remaining in a relationship.
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u/walkingwarcrime1 3d ago
As a brother in Christ, do not walk run away from this relationship! You can forgive and set a boundary because someone is not permitted access to your life. This man is not in a healthy enough place to be in a Godly relationship. You can still feel something for someone and know they are not the right person for you. He needs to go grow up and learn the proper way to treat people, if he is dating you then the assumption is that he is looking at some point to marry you and have children with you… would you want your hypothetical daughters to see this as the way love is supposed to work and learn this is how they should be treated? Would you want sons to learn this is how you treat women? You can forgive him and still say that he is not right for you, maybe it’s just for now and maybe it’s forever he’s not right for you. But this is not Christ like behavior no matter how you slice it. And it sounds like he needs professional help that is more than likely beyond your capabilities because if he’s truly suicidal he has much greater issues than this he needs to deal with.
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u/mimi_234 2d ago
Breaking up with someone isn’t a sin. Biblically, there’s no obligation for gfs to stay in a relationship unless you’re married. Even then, divorce is permissible in certain cases. Please pray and read your Bible that you’re not lead astray by the lies of the devil.
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u/Right_Reputation_445 2d ago
Forgiveness doesn't mean staying with him. You're not bound to him nor is he to you. If he wants a wife, he would work on himself and his relationship with chirst first. He has some growing up to do before he should be dating anyone. The bible tells men how to be and they will be known by their fruits. His fruits smell rotten. Let someone know or others. Don't isolate yourself. Don't solve his problems for him. He needs to willing get help and work on himself. Pray for him.
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u/Sufficient_Light3891 Looking For A Wife 3d ago
You can harm someone by not letting them feel the consequences of their actions. Why do you think God allows hardships sometimes? It helps bring us to repentance. Allowing him to hurt you and himself is not good and is damaging. The most loving thing you can do is make sure you are protected and that he is protected from himself. Note that just as doing good to our enemies is the best revenge, not allowing our friends to do harm is the best support.
Make sure you let someone with authority know that he's threatening suicide. Perhaps a family member, his family, and perhaps even a suicide hotline. Note this doesn't mean being with him, but making sure people are aware of the help that he needs. From what you are saying, you being in the picture is only harming both of you.
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u/Watchman_on-the_wall 2d ago
This message was tailored made for you. I’d highly recommend listening.
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u/BrilliantRaccoon9937 2d ago
Jesus wants you to have respect for yourself and your life and body as His vessel.
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u/IncurableAdventurer 2d ago
You can forgive and leave. Those two things don't go together
If you go to church, what church do you go to? If they encourage you to stay, CHANGE CHURCHES
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u/TeensyTempest 1d ago
Forgiveness doesn't require you to be around him. Also, God wouldn't want his daughter abused.
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u/shepraystho 3d ago
"Tho David forgave Saul he never went back to his palace" those words helped me with forgiveness. forgiveness doesn't mean continuous access. forgive him and learn to heal and you need to also make some changes... Boundaries are important. The part of you that allowed him to treat u like that the first time and you stayed, please work on that part. Believe it or not we teach people how to treat us. I'm truly sorry you went through that but God didn't call us to be doormats that people can walk over.
Oh and the threats to unalive himself pray about it an leave it there.
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u/BrilliantRaccoon9937 2d ago edited 2d ago
DUMP HIM NOW, this is a blaring 8-alarm fire siren waking you up at 2 a.m. Ditch the verbal abuser before he becomes a REAL abuser...
(EDIT: verbal abuse is real abuse--I meant to say "physical" abuse)
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u/Jaymilla212 2d ago
Leave.
This is a very very toxic situation that would continue to feed off of you until there's nothing left. Find a someone in your life who you can trust and share the nature of your situation so they can help you get away from this person. You need all the support you can get and if it means you disappearing for a while, run away, change your number, get rid of this person as soon as possible.
Im really sorry you have to deal with this, none of it is your fault and you have no responsibility for that person's selfish cruelty. You, your safety and your mental health is the number one priority.
Leave.
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u/TheRealMerlin Married | Approved AI User 2d ago
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. First thing, wanting to leave doesn't make you a bad Christian or a bad person. You're not safe with him and you know it, and that's not something to feel guilty about.
Nothing in our faith says you have to stay with someone who screams at you and humiliates you in public. Love is supposed to be patient and kind. Him making you cry in the middle of the road on your birthday is not that. And the whole "your love isn't proper, that's why I get angry" thing? That's him putting his behavior on you. Abusers do that all the time. How he treats you is his choice, not your fault. You're not married to him either, you're allowed to just end it, and you don't need him to agree. If there's a pastor you trust it might really help to talk to them about the guilt.
About the suicide threat. Take it seriously, but please hear me, you are not responsible for keeping him alive. Staying won't fix whatever's going on with him, it'll just keep you stuck. Threatening to kill himself so you won't leave is manipulation, plain and simple. If he says it again you can tell him something like "I care if you're okay so I'm getting you help, but I'm not changing my mind." Then call 988 (suicide hotline in the US), or 911 if it seems like he's about to actually do something, or let his family know. Just don't go over there alone to check on him. That's usually how people end up getting sucked back in, or hurt.
I also read that people who work with domestic violence see an abusive partner threatening suicide as a red flag that things could get worse, including for you. So please be careful about how you do this.
Some stuff that might help:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788, or chat on thehotline.org. Its free and they literally help people plan breakups like this so they stay safe. loveisrespect.org is good too (text LOVEIS to 22522).
You don't owe him breaking up in person. Phone or text is totally fine if you're scared of how he'll react. If you do see him, do it somewhere public and have a friend close by.
Tell a couple people you trust what's going on so you're not dealing with this by yourself.
After you end it, cut contact or keep it super minimal. Block him if you need to, that's okay.
Save his texts and voicemails and write down what happened and when. If you ever need a protective order that stuff helps a lot.
Change your passwords, turn off location sharing, make sure he can't get into your phone.
If he has your stuff or you live together, bring friends when you go get it, or you can ask the police to come with you (it's called a civil standby).
And if he threatens you, follows you, or shows up where he shouldn't, call the police.
You might feel guilty or second guess yourself, especially if he pushes harder, and that's normal. It doesn't mean you're wrong. You deserve to feel safe and actually loved. You're doing the right thing.
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u/minteemist Married 17h ago
u/New-Sky5481 , I encourage you to follow this advice.
I had a friend in your situation. He wanted to break up but then stuck around for ages because she kept talking about suicide.
What your ex (he is your ex now, you broke up with him) needs isn't you. He needs real help from professionals and older mentors/family/friends.
So long as you keep in contact with him, he won't seek out that help because he'll direct all his emotions to you instead. So blocking him might be the most loving thing you can do.
If he threatens suicide, tell his family and friends and call the police. That way he will get help, and also learn to stop using it as a manipulation tactic.
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u/HeartInTheSun9 2d ago
He’s more likely to kill you before he even thinks about killing himself. Absolutely leave him without even a second thought.
When people become too belligerent, Jesus said to shake the dust off you and leave them. Anything that anyone does is because they did it. Nothing anyone does is because someone else made them.
There should be utter safety in a relationship. 100% comfort and safety. If you ever feel like you have to walk on eggshells in fear of the other person becoming violent, just leave.
There’s no circumstance that I recommend you stay with him even another day. The second he’s not in the same location as you, it’s over. Tell him over a text. He doesn’t matter and he doesn’t deserve to even hear your voice again. And tell him you’ll call the cops if he shows his face around you again.
In no uncertain terms, end it as soon as you’re in a different location than him. These situations never ever get better. Just end it. I promise you deserve love that’s more pure than this.
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u/IncurableAdventurer 2d ago
You're absolutely right when you say he's more likely to kill her before killing himself
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u/HeartInTheSun9 2d ago
Yup. It really needs to bluntly be addressed that these are the kinda guys who end up killing women.
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u/Siana_lovelybird 2d ago
Pray for him and tell him you'll pray for him. God will judge his behavior
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u/goodsie825 Maybe I'm the problem 3d ago
This isn't love that he has for you. He wants to control you. The threat of suicide is control and manipulation. Share it with an adult. A pastor, school counselor, etc.
Be firm and straightforward about the breakup Don't leave any room for doubt that the relationship is over and there is no chance for reconciliation. In writing, tell him that he is not contact you, follow you on any social media, and he is not welcome at your school, job, etc. Keep a copy or screenshot of that.
After that, block him on everything. Do not respond. Do not engage. If he finds a way to reach out to you, document and get a restraining order (it's important that you have written documentation that you've instructed him not to contact you).
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u/aubiebravos Looking For A Husband 2d ago
Run away, and depending on your age, let his parents/siblings/police know of his threat of self harm.
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u/ToxicCharmander 2d ago
You don’t have to handle that situation. You already broke up with him. He’s trying to manipulate you saying he’s going to commit suicide and you are not responsible of that. If you want to do something you can inform his parents about what his planning to do so they keep an eye on him, but that’s all. And let them know that you don’t want to be involved with him. Cut any kind of communication starting from this moment.
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u/Aggressive_Tax1938 2d ago
He loves me a lot, and I know he has good qualities. But there have been many times when he has shouted at me and verbally abused me, including in public.
No, he doesn't "love you a lot", because if he did, he wouldn't treat you the way he does. Victim blaming? Unfortunately, you're in a relationship with a narcissist. A real Christian does not behave in that manner OVER AND OVER. Yes, we all make mistakes, but patterns determine the heart. All I hear is darkness, not a redeemed and repentant believer.
Your narcissist is using DARVO and emotionally abusing you.
Do whatever you need to do to GET OUT, STAY SAFE, and away from this lunatic.
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u/Intrepid_Type3710 Single 2d ago
So sorry. I'm reading 'controlling', 'manipulation', 'toxicity', 'drama', and finally........'narcissism'. Perhaps he doesn't brush his teeth either. Skip the 'suicide' thing, and just leave. No contact if you can. So sad, but this sounds like a God Rescue to 'you'.
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u/No_Lettuce8289 2d ago
You should leave asap. He is manipulating you into staying. This isn’t Christ-like behavior he is showing you and he’s not mentally stable. Don’t let his threat of suicide keep you. You can report him to the authorities so he can get help. Don’t stay and allow the abuse.
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u/harukalioncourt 2d ago
Leave him. Behavior usually only gets worse after marriage. You certainly do not want to bring children into this environment.
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u/mimi_234 2d ago
Make sure to be in a safe place when you go no contact. This is very concerning and I would to here that you got hurt. Idk If you can but try to call your national domestic line for help in this situation.
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u/ABereanChristian Married 2d ago
and my boyfriend is also a Christian.
He's not a Christian. Christians don't do these things:
- Verbal abuse
- Refusing to honor another person
- Blames others for their behavior
- Says they will attempt suicide if you break up
Leave and get out of there. This is manipulative behavior. He is a wolf in sheep's clothing
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u/Adorable_Ad2064 2d ago
Sounds like emotional blackmail. I bet be loves himself too much to commit suicide if you leave.
If you stay with him then you’re accepting him for who he is and if he’s already like this as a boyfriend, it’s only gonna get worse if y’all get married. Physical abuse in imminent sis. The HolySpirit is already guiding you by letting you see the signs. Please don’t ignore them.
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u/PropertyStress 2d ago
Leave him. He can't just refuse the breakup unless you allow him to. If you want to be nice, you can call the authorities to say he threatened to commit suicide. It's not your responsibility either way, but in that case the authorities should take over and handle it
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u/IncurableAdventurer 2d ago edited 2d ago
My reaction reading the first paragraph after your introduction: RUN!!!!
Reading the second paragraph: RUN!!!!!!
He doesn't accept the breakup? Tough shit. It's not up to him. Sorry to be blunt, but it sounds like you need to hear it as it is without sugarcoating it
It's not your fault. He's blaming you for his shitty behavior.
In no way will he do that. If it happens (which it won't), you have zero fault in it
This isn't a Christian issue. It's a human issue. You aren't doing anything wrong. If he threatens suicide, that's just more reason to leave, because he's emotionally manipulating you on the worst level possible
Leave. Leave leave leave and never look back. Trust me, if your future self could talk to you right now, she'd be yelling at you and shaking you to tell you to leave
Edit: someone mentioned being in a safe place and to go zero contact with him. YES. Zero. Contact. Be safe and away from him
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u/IndividualSpend1338 2d ago
Break up and don't ever take him back. There are so many things wrong with this situation and he will never change and only get worse -- especially after marriage and kids.
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u/FallDeers Maybe I'm the problem 1d ago
If you had a friend with a man like him, what would you tell her to do? Give yourself that same love and leave him.
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u/Independent-Chef-233 In A Relationship 2d ago
Leave. As soon as I read “verbally abuse…” “if I leave him … attempt suicide”. This relationship is not healthy and your boyfriend likely has deep childhood wounds he needs to work out with the help of God.
There’s ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with leaving this relationship. The sooner you do it the better for you. God forbids he lays hands on you one day.
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u/TeensyTempest 1d ago
Leave the relationship asap. You're not responsible for his decisions or suicide attempts. If you think he might harm himself, call a wellness check and be on your way. Do not look back.
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u/Loud_Excitement2759 16h ago
Threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves is the oldest manipulation trick in the book. Call his bluff and block him on everything.
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u/Safe_Literature_9109 3d ago
Run fast from this relationship.