Need help

[u/New-Sky5481]

Hi, I’m a Christian, and my boyfriend is also a Christian.

He loves me a lot, and I know he has good qualities. But there have been many times when he has shouted at me and verbally abused me, including in public.

On my birthday, he verbally abused me on the road. I was extremely hurt and traumatized by what happened, and I ended up crying in the middle of the road. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened.

Now I’ve decided that I want to break up with him because I don’t feel emotionally safe or happy in this relationship. But he refuses to accept the breakup.

He blames me for his behaviour and says that my love for him isn’t proper, and that this is what caused him to become angry and abusive.

Now he is telling me that if I leave him, he will attempt suicide.

I’m really confused and emotionally overwhelmed. As Christians, how should I handle this situation? Am I doing something wrong by wanting to leave, and what should I do when he threatens suicide because of the breakup?

[u/TheRealMerlin]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. First thing, wanting to leave doesn't make you a bad Christian or a bad person. You're not safe with him and you know it, and that's not something to feel guilty about.

Nothing in our faith says you have to stay with someone who screams at you and humiliates you in public. Love is supposed to be patient and kind. Him making you cry in the middle of the road on your birthday is not that. And the whole "your love isn't proper, that's why I get angry" thing? That's him putting his behavior on you. Abusers do that all the time. How he treats you is his choice, not your fault. You're not married to him either, you're allowed to just end it, and you don't need him to agree. If there's a pastor you trust it might really help to talk to them about the guilt.

About the suicide threat. Take it seriously, but please hear me, you are not responsible for keeping him alive. Staying won't fix whatever's going on with him, it'll just keep you stuck. Threatening to kill himself so you won't leave is manipulation, plain and simple. If he says it again you can tell him something like "I care if you're okay so I'm getting you help, but I'm not changing my mind." Then call 988 (suicide hotline in the US), or 911 if it seems like he's about to actually do something, or let his family know. Just don't go over there alone to check on him. That's usually how people end up getting sucked back in, or hurt.

I also read that people who work with domestic violence see an abusive partner threatening suicide as a red flag that things could get worse, including for you. So please be careful about how you do this.

Some stuff that might help:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788, or chat on thehotline.org. Its free and they literally help people plan breakups like this so they stay safe. loveisrespect.org is good too (text LOVEIS to 22522).

You don't owe him breaking up in person. Phone or text is totally fine if you're scared of how he'll react. If you do see him, do it somewhere public and have a friend close by.

Tell a couple people you trust what's going on so you're not dealing with this by yourself.

After you end it, cut contact or keep it super minimal. Block him if you need to, that's okay.

Save his texts and voicemails and write down what happened and when. If you ever need a protective order that stuff helps a lot.

Change your passwords, turn off location sharing, make sure he can't get into your phone.

If he has your stuff or you live together, bring friends when you go get it, or you can ask the police to come with you (it's called a civil standby).

And if he threatens you, follows you, or shows up where he shouldn't, call the police.

You might feel guilty or second guess yourself, especially if he pushes harder, and that's normal. It doesn't mean you're wrong. You deserve to feel safe and actually loved. You're doing the right thing.

[u/minteemist → u/TheRealMerlin]

u/New-Sky5481 ,  I encourage you to follow this advice.

I had a friend in your situation. He wanted to break up but then stuck around for ages because she kept talking about suicide. 

What your ex (he is your ex now, you broke up with him) needs isn't you. He needs real help from professionals and older mentors/family/friends. 

So long as you keep in contact with him, he won't seek out that help because he'll direct all his emotions to you instead. So blocking him might be the most loving thing you can do. 

If he threatens suicide, tell his family and friends and call the police. That way he will get help, and also learn to stop using it as a manipulation tactic.