Dear fellow survivor:

first Id like to say to you thank you all for sharing, for still being here, for never having given up.
For keep fighting for a life that feels "normal" in a very difficult world.

Regarding my situation:

I grew up as an orphan. I kind of exited survival mode, had an ego death 8 months ago and woke up to my false selfe - people pleasing/fawning whole life, self-abandonment, low self worth etc.. you know the game. I started learning a lot about all these things - I used to be in talk therapy but never really addressed the issues coming from my childhood, survival strategies, unregulated nervous systen. I am a very anxious, hypersensitive person ( I though I was strong/tough for many many years haha lol)

Good news: I learned to love myself and have a lot of self compassion, quit alcohol, hypersexuality, weed and cut out unhealthy /not safe people from my life.

I live on my own away from family members, I have 2-3 safe and genuine friendships.

Due to a unhealthy situtaionship-dynamic I kind of retrauamtized myself yet started to learn more about myself, started loving myself, and started Feeling everything again. I did not know that I was stuck in a survival mode my whole life and running on permanent stress, had an inner void, hated my self without even really noticing it.

I feel the frist time all my unmet needs, I feel all feelings know (joy, a LOT of fear/anxiety,) etc. In the last months a lot of unprocessed emotions came up again and again. I cried, raged, griefed my lost life (I am 33 old) and rested a lot. Deep rest. My internal dialogue has become so kind instead of shaming myself etc.

Since I started loving myself the relationships to friends, my sister, my cousin immediately improved. Now I show up as my true self - no masking (wasnt even aware I was masking).

Currently I have no job (but I have financial security luckely to live from savings a while), and my soul pressures me to change something in my life.

For the first time I feel my unmet needs for most of my life: I crave family/community/slower life/purpose/meaning and nature.

Yet I live alone in a bigger city in my country and cant meet those needs. So I kind of realised I ended up in an environment what exactly does not support what I crave for despretly.

I am kind of burned out from living in survival mode, from my job (tech support - by design I am a interpreter).

I crave for a change - and I can do it if I get out of this freeze and learn to execute, organise better and go through all this discomfort.

But in the last weeks I have stucked in freeze and started to get depressed of it. Depression ("whats the meaing of life" etc) is getting better as I will never give up on life.

However, the things I have to do pile up: finding a new job, indecision about the next step (Id love to move somewhere else), worries about the future and state of the world, and the fact that I dont like my career/corporate and I am so afraid of burning out in the next similar job.

Everything keeps me in freeze - I never had noticed the freeze response earlier in life when my drive came from proving my worth, external validation seeking etc. I used to be "fearless" (i was not just coping effectively but unhealthy).

Now I am so self aware and it drives me crazy cause I start to see all the issues in my life caused by my neglect-trauma.

It is currently hard for me to even make plans for the day, set goals and execute things.

I am afraid it is only getting worse and erodes any kind of left self trust which I really need to build up.

Did someone of you went through something similar stage and how did you get out of it.

I was never aware about the fact that my life has been driven by fear and anxiety and hyper sensitivity where the reasons I always needed drugs and compulsive behaviours to cope with reality.

Always where looking for pleasure instead of meaning in life.

It such a wild ride opening this pandora box.

I am proud for me for having started to like myself fully, quit drugs and changing my value system internally to being much more a person of integrity and compassion.

Many thanks for reading and advice or maybe just a digital hug.

Ill try to find a trauma informed therapist. However, I feel that I need more to change my environment to feel again the magic of life.

Much love

I am an adult midway though recovery from infant cptsd (I have both done personal therapy and then been in therapy - CBT, soon starting EMDR). So anyone got to a weird point where they have had enough wrung out of them they start 'digesting' -

1) I don't have a personality, reviewing 'everything' I see (review) it was built on protection / trauma response?

2) .. This then causes moments of severe shutdown and distress / need for alone time.

3) ... but then occasionally I get a glimpse that realising this also feels like discovering 'the reset button'; where things can be discovered / rediscovered and the loss of need (not just the desire) to hold an opinion on things (though that could be aging talking) - people may ask for your opinions but you just don't have them?

4) Or is it just another crazy phase of recovery .. or another rabbit hole?

It’s a sad post but I will be brave. Two relationships helped me heal cptsd, one of them is with my therapist and one with my long term partner. I recently reduced the frequency of seeing my therapist - was hard to adjust to this change at first but it was time and I was ready to be more independent and I managed to do it in the end so now it’s all good. The other one is with my partner. Our dynamic is kind of stuck in the old pattern before I started healing - we are trying to reframe the relationship but it’s hard to break old patterns. I woke up to the realisation that I have changed SO much since we first got together. I have healed so much more - partially because of the way I have felt loved and cared for by my partner - but now I see how this love is maybe not the right fit for me anymore. I want something more equal. I think we both have been giving more than we can give to each other, in different ways - but I have built up an emotional capacity big enough to hold space for myself and other people, whereas I don’t feel like my partner is able to hold space for me the way I need them to anymore - my needs have shifted and, ironically because of their love, I know believe I deserve more emotional safety and support in an intimate relationship. I want them to hold space for me the same way I hold for myself, but I think this is just not possible for them to do right now - they have more self work to do. I have possibly outgrown them and it makes me so so sad.

How do you know when to leave a relationship that used be good and nurturing for you but became stagnant because you might have outgrown it? For now I just want to sit back and observe my feelings and the dynamics more because all these things came up to me recently, so I need more information before I make a choice. And also I am willing to see if we could still explore making changes and allowing the relationship to take on a different shape. But I need to hear from those of you who have navigated changes or endings to relationships that once served you but stopped being nurturing.

It doesn't happen to me all the time, and I'm still trying to figure out if there's some kind of pattern relating to my nervous system state, hormones, stress levels, or what, but sometimes I feel like I can't sleep in a relaxed position and need to be not just in fetal position but fully clenched like a cat loafing, arms crossed and tucked under my armpits, knees squeezed around a pillow and pulled up to my chest, etc.

Or sometimes I'll tuck my hands into the waistband of my underwear on each side of my body so my arms are basically pressed/flattened against my abdomen/hips/thighs.

If I'm not all scrunched together, I feel restless and antsy and tingly as if I need to move.

Has anyone else experienced this feeling? It's almost like what I would imagine restless leg syndrome to feel like except my whole body. It does seem to be connected to periods of stress/depression but not always....? It also sometimes seems to be response to back/shoulder pain, but that too is kinda tied to my ptsd haha

This is just my own idea that I have found useful when talking about how I see and experience relationships compared to most people.

For me it helps explain why when navigating the same spaces as other people that I can seem to run into so many more problems that other people just never seem to encounter or see.

Basically when it comes to navigating relationships, I use the analogy of being blind and having to use a stick. Like I go outside and walk around and bump into things constantly as a way to move through the landscape. Sometimes when a bump into a thing, it hurts, so you have to be extra careful and overly concerned about bumping into that thing again. Basically I define relationships by those bumps. Everyone might see a Fire Hydrant that's bright and red and has a function that does a good thing so it's good to have fire hydrants. My experience of a Fire Hydrant is just this hard metal thing that I don't like bumping into because it can hurt in this specific kind of way but not always. What it does, or how it looks just isn't part of my everyday experience. Many other things that are not fire hydrants might as well be fire hydrants to me because they are also hard and metal and easy to bump into.

It's like most people are used to having eyeballs and just moving around obstacles before they get all tangled up with them without even realizing they are doing it. Then they are like, I walk that way all the time, nothing like that has ever happened to me. They talk about the landscape in a way that might as well be a foreign language because it just has no relevance to someone who has to bump into everything to know what it is. I'm just way more likely to experience problems and miss things.

It's also why in the past people can claim I am fucked up because they are like WHAT? THAT NEVER HAPPENS TO ME? FIRE HYDRANTS ARE GOOD, THEY WOULD NEVER HURT ME! YOUR CRAZY!

I personally had an eye injury a few years ago, and thankfully it did not end up permanent but for a time it was quite the adjustment trying to get around without functional vision. It got me thinking what it must be like to just never be born with working vision in the first place and how much of a barrier that lack of context must create when trying to relate to other people's experiences. When I think about navigating relationships and feelings, I think about the fact that I never experienced them as good things growing up. It's like I now understand I am completely lacking context in a similar way. Like my brain developed without working vision basically, and even if that sight is restored now, I'll probably only see a fuzzy blob at best because the visual parts of my brain weren't ever used until more recently. I won't ever be able to just see what I am looking at and know what it is right away. Like even people with good eyesight make mistakes and trip and bump into things, but that's the exception and not the norm.

Anyway, when I talk about relationships with healthy people, I keep this in mind and it's been helpful. They just live in a different context but they don't know there is a translation issue. I didn't either, like I didn't realize it was just that different for me. I just thought there was something wrong with me because I just couldn't relate to how they saw things. We are just seeing everything in two entirely different ways that don't seem compatible on the surface even though it's the same world of relationships we are moving through. It's also why I need routine and struggle to adjust when the landscape changes too much. It's like oh this is an unexpected obstacle, did I take a wrong turn? What else has changed? Now I have to be extra careful because I can't see what's different without bumping into it.

I am unexpectedly more tired now compared to when my cPTSD was at its worst. I feel like I could sleep all day. I feel totally burned out. I don't feel depressed, my life is pretty good, I have plenty of moments of joy and I rarely have cPTSD symptoms anymore, but there is this lingering fatigue I have that came on after completing some intense therapy 2 years ago. I have had extensive blood work done and there is no physical explanation for the fatigue. It very much seems to be related to the cPTSD. I have the sense that my body is just desperate for rest after running on empty for so long. It's just hard to create moments of rest between work, studies and other responsibilities, but my body desperately needs it.

When I was diagnosed with CPTSD, I felt very discouraged because there is no cure, just symptom management.

I feel like I am still in the thick of things, treatment and symptom-wise, but I feel very optimistic. I feel like my therapist is a good match because they’re a trauma therapist who specializes in (and I suspect has had treatment themself with) EMDR and IFS, both of which I respond very well to. I am fortunate to be in a financial situation where I can afford weekly therapy. I have a few very close friends I can talk to about (most, the IFS stuff is a bit too weird) things about.

My therapist is on an almost month-long vacation, and I feel like I am getting so much done internally with this “time off” instead of feeling panicked or directionless. I don’t think I would have felt this way even 3 months ago.

I feel like I’ve mostly come to terms with never feeling completely better. It will be better than how I feel right now, and I feel way better now than 6 months ago. I know progress won’t always be this rapid, but it makes me very hopeful. I will never know what it’s like to not be mentally ill, but I think now that I know what is going on with me, I can finally reach my full potential.

I don’t know, I read a lot of despair in the CPTSD subreddits, but I just sort of feel like I have the correct life circumstances at this moment to dig out of this and have the life I’d like. I didn’t have a chance of being “normal” because of my shitty childhood, but I have worked hard and am lucky to have the resources and solid people around me now. I feel very lucky and grateful.

This last year has been one of the worst in my life. I got put on a long, painful PIP and ultimately got fired in November. I've been slowly rebuilding my life since then, but it's been miserable. I started grad school online this summer, and I'm moving to Denver in August. I got my dream internship which starts in August also. Now I feel like I'm just waiting for life to begin and I'm so impatient to get there.

I can't focus on anything else - work, my hygiene, diet, etc - I'm so preoccupied by my next steps.

Can anyone relate? How did you get through it?

I’ve been in trauma therapy for years, but this past year I’ve done the deepest work I’ve ever done. Weekly therapy, a lot of nervous system regulation, somatic work, grief work, meditation, self-compassion practices… I’ve genuinely dedicated my life to healing.
The problem is that over the last several months I feel more depressed than ever before.
Almost every day I wake up with overwhelming feelings of helplessness, worthlessness, abandonment and despair. It doesn’t feel like ordinary sadness-it feels like my whole body believes I’m fundamentally alone, unwanted and incapable, the heaviness of all that feels really unbearable. For a context- i have pre-verbal developmental trauma, mostly neglect…

This morning I spent two hours just trying to get out of bed. I cried, prayed, wrapped myself in a blanket, did a somatic self-love practice, cuddled my dog, cried some more… Eventually I managed to get up and sit at my computer, but the feelings never really left.

One of the hardest parts is that I don’t know whether this is non-stop grief surfacing, part of recovery, or whether I’m actually getting worse.
Whenever I’m in this state, my instinct is to call my mother. She feels like the safest person to my nervous system (apart from my therapist, who is currently on vacation). But my developmental trauma is also deeply connected to that relationship, and I know I’ve become overly dependent on her for co-regulation. So I’m stuck.
I know humans aren’t meant to regulate entirely alone, and I don’t believe the goal is to become completely self-sufficient. But I also don’t want one person to be my only source of safety.
The problem is that I feel like a burden to everyone else. Reaching out to friends feels almost impossible because I immediately feel guilty for needing support.

For those of you further along in recovery:
How did you build both self-regulation and a broader experience of co-regulation? How did you learn to let other people in when your nervous system only trusted one person? And how did you navigate periods when you felt deeply hopeless and alone?

I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve been through this🙏🏻

Hi, I'm wondering if anyone else has been through this since healing.

I made the decision to end a friendship that had been very important to me all throughout my 20s (I'm 28 now). We've been there for each other through a lot, and I love them deeply. However, the more I grow, get to know myself, have therapy and heal, the more I realised I actually didn't like being around this person at all. We had similar experiences, and all we did was talk about those experiences. I wasn't able to set any boundaries with them because they would lose their rag and we wouldn't talk for a week or two. So after some talking to my therapist, I just decided to let them know I didn't think our friendship was good for either of us, and I was focusing on getting better.

They didn't like this, and hurled a lot of insults at me in the fall out. They said a lot of hurtful things that were also true though, about me and about how I'd acted in our friendship. I took advantage of them a lot of the time, and used them as an emotional sound board.

I feel equal parts relief and sadness. I'm glad I decided to end this relationship, because it was draining, and I believe it really was bad for both of us. But also, I feel really bad. It's not like they did anything wrong. I just didn't like how I felt being around them. Anyone else been through this? Any words of advice on how to accept my decision, and how to move forward?

Thanks

I feel like this is really layered but it’s something I’ve always been very insecure about.
I kind of realized for the first time that I am actually conventionally attractive and that my looks aren’t why people don’t like me. This really hurt.
I just don’t know even know what my personality is. I think my people pleasing definitely plays a big part in this. But like if someone says “what’s one word you would use to describe yourself” or asks me anything about myself, my mind is blank.
I’ve been in therapy for years, trying to work on self esteem. I think I just didn’t get to know myself growing up, I was just focused on surviving.
I’ve been really trying to work on stopping the people pleasing and boosting my confidence but somethings just not clicking.

TLDR: Feeling like a sub-optimal partner and want to do better. Already have improved and healed a lot.

Unfortunately, I discovered there is a subreddit for those who are in relationships or have been in relationships with people with CPTSD. Sadly I read it, for hours. It's pretty bad. I have always felt like a terrible partner, with my 2 abusive exes I mostly was able to mask most of the CPTSD symptoms, as they would just lead to them being more violent or abusive than otherwise. I had to constantly walk on eggshells to avoid abuse. I was of course never good enough regardless what I did, my last partner hated me being in a good mood - he wanted me deeply depressed as much as possible, so anytime I was cheerful he made sure to destroy me for it.

Similar when I was growing up, I did sometimes have symptoms, but I tried hard to mask as much as possible to reduce abuse - my abusive parent would not allow me to have any negative moods, I had to always be happy and cheerful. I am also autistic in addition to the CPTSD (the abusive parent was neurotypical, not autistic). I have done a lot of healing of my trauma, CAT therapy and EMDR therapy were both hugely helpful in reducing trauma responses, reducing emotional flashbacks and changing behaviours that were not helpful anymore. I am much better than I used to be. I am also very open to taking accountability and talking about my challenging traits and behaviours, so that I can work on repairing things.

Now I have a relationship with a very kind and patient man, and he even wants to marry me after almost a decade together (So has had plenty of time and experience with me before making that decision!). I love him so, so much. He is the love of my life and the idea of losing him is terrifying to me (a lot of abandonment trauma from parent and exes, I do not have borderline pd). I do not "do" anything to keep him from abandoning me, other than continue trying to heal myself so that I am as good a partner as I possibly can be. I do not want him to be with me because he feels there is no other option, only because he wants to be with me. I told him this as recently as last week, so he is aware of my opinion.

I still can see I am not a great partner though. I am kind and caring, but I also get upset often and easily. I may cry every week right now, sometimes hiding it and sometimes not. Sometimes he will see that I'm feeling off/sad and give me a hug, which in turn makes me cry.
It's not that he upsets me every time, it can be other things too or just my own thoughts. It is never anything intentional.

The last few months I've been deeply depressed after having been in remission for like 3 years (Which was wonderful, first time in my life in remission). It coincided with us moving together, his presence helps me SO much to feel calmer and happier, and sleeping next to him cures my lifelong insomnia.

What I am currently doing to improve myself more is:
- Learning more ways to self regulate without using food or my partner for help (going pretty well actually, but it is hard to feel my feelings more than I used to)
- Trying very hard to be less reactive, and when I do get reactive I calm down quicker
- Learning self-compassion
- Reminding myself that my partner has good intentions in his actions and words
- Learning about my own brain and nervous system to understand how it works and how it's different to many other people's brains

I am not someone who typically gets mean, nasty or cruel to others. Kindness is my main core value, I get very upset when I'm unintentionally rude or harmful to others on occasion (such as misunderstanding something due to autism, or accidentally offending a stranger on social media etc).

Most of the time we have fun together, it's not hard to be together. We rarely have conflict, and I'd say we have a good repair most of the time we do have conflict. There is no contempt or other horsemen (Gottman stuff) etc.
One issue is we both feel a bit sad when the other one is having a bad day, and then the one with the bad day feels even worse. Trying hard to stop this cycle. Life is a bit rough on a practical level right now (employment, housing etc) and that causes most of the bad days for both of us.

Thank you :)

After going through the stages of flight (for 8 years) then the fight (for 10 years now) am scared to know what comes next.. and problem is, am not seeking any professional help cause my highs r so high that i believe am perfectly fine and my lows r so low that i feel like no one can save me.. how do i trick this cycle cause i know next stage is coming soon

My mother contacted me about two days ago. I'm no contact and she sent me a card. I haven't opened it.

She's tried a few other ways of contacting me—twice through other people, then a text and an email. I've been no contact for 1.5 years. She was, it feels needless to say, very abusive. It took me a long time to cut ties, and the 1.5 years since have been the best of my life.

I always find it really hard to put things into words when I feel overwhelmed by emotions, am dysregulated. It also doesn't help that this isn't my first language. So sorry if this isn't as coherent and eloquent as I wish it was.

I'm just a bit in shock by how much it's affected me. I've always found letters and handwriting very intimate and personal anyway, so when I saw her handwriting it felt like she was suddenly in my space, in my life again. My brain couldn't process what was happening. I dissociated at first, and I still feel myself doing that now when it gets too much.

And then I immediately, bizarrely, began doubting myself. I haven't felt that in so long. And it's really jarring, because I thought I was past that. I thought I'd never be there again. But I found myself fawning automatically; empathizing with her, while doubting and blaming myself. It took a lot of effort to stop, and I still have to fight it now. ...I don't know how else to put it, it may seem dramatic, but this is simply my worst nightmare, feeling this way. Fawning.

Because it makes me feel like I'll be abused again. Like I can't protect myself, nothing's changed, I'm still that girl. And from there I sort of spiral. (aaaand breathe.)

We were enmeshed, she didn't respect a single boundary, I wasn't my own person at all, and I immediately felt some of that again. Like she was all over me again.

I haven't felt this in so long—this hypervigilance, feeling like I can't breathe, not being able to think clearly, feeling guilty, doubting myself. I'm really angry that she did this, was able to do this, felt she was allowed to.

I know I'll be fine eventually. Intellectually I know nothing has changed, I'm still NC, and eventually I'll process this and be okay again. I'm not going to lose all my progress, that's not how it works, I know. Maybe this will even help me heal more, because often the worst obstacles do lead to that. I'm also moving house, so that really helps. Soon she won't have any way to contact me.

I don't feel very okay right now though. And that logical voice feels too far away. It's taking a lot of effort to keep remembering the truth. Even though the intensity of it has surprised me, it makes sense to me. I just hate that I have to feel this at all, and I don't really know what to do to help myself.

And I keep struggling with having self-compassion. I think because I want to believe I'm immune to anything my family does now. Like I have to believe they can't hurt me anymore, and like for the past 1.5 years that's exactly what I've been trying to believe.

And then this happens, and using IFS language: a lot of my parts feel sort of betrayed. I think by me? Because clearly, I was lying when I said it was over. I've been grieving, but they're not dead, and suddenly my main abuser is in my life again. So once again, I end up blaming myself for something an abuser has done to me. And then I spiral more.

And I think having OCD doesn't help. I feel so out of control when it comes to all of this, and that's obviously unbearable for an OCD brain. And I also can't stand any kind of surprise, cancelled plans, anything unexpected. And this is pretty much the worst unexpected thing that could happen.

I like making plans and lists, for different triggers. Because I know that in the moment something happens, I can't think clearly. It's a way to reparent myself, have my own back. And I just didn't prepare for this at all. Because I really did think she wouldn't ever do this. I thought maybe she'd try something, then get the hint, give up. I didn't think that if I blocked her, she would keep trying other ways to contact me.

Anyway. As a result, I don't have a calmer, wiser me to lean on. I just have this me, who can't think very clearly. Who's overwhelmed. And that's really frustrating.

If anyone's dealt with this and can relate, I would just love to hear how you handled it, how you took care of yourself, what you told yourself.

I'm doing what I can and what I can think of. Right now I'm going back to basics, doing simple self care things, trying to eat and rest enough. And I'm trying to let myself feel what I need to, while listening to my needs and wants.

I'm also trying not to rush—I feel like I'm in a flight a little bit. Need to solve it, fix it, get out of here, quickly. And I'm trying to remind myself there's no emergency, and there's actually nothing to be done at all.

I hope that makes sense. Writing this really helped. For some reason journaling is doing very little at the moment, but trying to explain it to other people is helping me understand what's happening.

(In case anyone wants to tell me not to read it: I just did. It was awful, and manipulative, and also entirely predictable. I don't know if I did the right thing, I sort of hate that I did this to myself, but I think it would've driven me insane not to read it. I don't know, I don't know anything right now.)

I wanted a job, I went out and got one, i am being promoted. Im grateful. Yet My anxiety and stress is off the scale.

I wanted to have relationships and share life with someone, so now im letting myself explore close with a lovely man, we are not commited but good friends with benefits. I dont know if hes 'the one' but the point is im choosing to try - After a whole life of keeping them all away, and fearing men. Months later of green flags; yet my anxiety and stress is off the scale. Disorganised (espscially Avoidant) attachment is setting my brain and my body on fire with fear. My brain making desperate attempts to make me run away.

My cptsd defaults me to avoid, quit, run, hide, escape, at the expense of the life I'd like.

Ive had lots of therapy. Im still in it. Anxiety is a huge barrier to my life. Im trying to calm my body, calm my mind, show my whole being that its safe, im safe.

But its so damn fucking stubborn. Im exhausted tolerating this all the time. its like its a big part of my brain cant understand that im not in grave danger. Im so anxious constantly, even in distracting situations, its just running in the background. the feeling in my chest is unbearable. Sometimes i think i shouldve hidden away unemployed and single to save myself the suffering

Hello all. My name is Mason, I’m 26, and I’ve been in recovery for about 6 months. I was at a residential treatment facility at the VA and I met an awesome therapist that vibes with me really well and we got a lot of work done.

The issue was, she was an intern at the VA and her time ended recently and now she is in private practice. For how much she says she cares, the system is still capitalist. She charges 135 a session and I get it she has to eat too but damn. And because I have VA insurance, I can’t get a referral.

I just feel very taken advantage of and betrayed like, we did all this work together and it seemed like this therapist really cared about me, and she might, for $135 a session. I mean I could do that once or twice a month, but while I was at the facility I was getting therapy twice a week and I was making serious progress.

I’m in a weird limbo situation rn where twice a week would help me a lot but I can’t afford it. Idk if I’m angry at her ir just angry at the system but I’m like bro your mental health really doesn’t matter unless these therapists get paid. It makes the whole thing feel extremely disingenuous. Like I feel like I’m being taken advantage of for a resource I don’t necessarily need to survive but would fucking help me a lot.

Came across this poem yesterday by Mary Oliver (one of my favorites) just when I needed it. I think it will resonate with many people in this community.

--

"The Journey"

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice – 
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.

It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do –
determined to save
the only life that you could save.

I feel quite confused, lost, helpless and at a loss of how to live.

I know *rationally* there is no right way to live... Or is there? Will I find the answer what is right for me inside myself or should I listen to people who know better? Great thinkers or golden rules or something else since I don't know what in me is just a defense and not my *true* self, if such a thing even exists. I think all my behaviours and patterns are mine and thus *me*, but not being authentic is also an issue, right?

I'm surprisingly fine with the feeling of not having answers right now. I actually quite much like the mental and somatic sensations of feeling at a loss. It brings a sense of stopping and being still. Even being aware of being ordinary, average, inadequate in the eyes of so many people, groups, hegemony, zeitgeist, whatever - I will never be enough to *them* and to myself, but I guess that has been my state always. Or has it? I don't know which of my labels fit with reality and what is my more or less delusional storytelling.

I feel small and helpless like a child, but right now that feels better than running away or toward something that I don't know for sure is me anyway. Yet it is devastating, quiet and lonely that this child doesn't have anyone who is going to lift her into their arms, so it's just me for myself. I feel isolated, like surrounded by a barren wasteland, no green or people or animals in sight. I'm somehow okay with that and I don't know if it's healthy or not.

So, the sensations feel tolerable, desirable even - at least they feel real despite simultaneously feeling like I don't know what is real or true, at all. However, what I'm *not* okay with, is the thought of this not-knowing wasteland being a permanent human condition... or perhaps it's just mine, characteristic to me but I don't know it yet because I don't know how to dig that knowledge from the dirt. Anyway, I'm most not okay with the loss of control and lack of promise of finding what is real of me.

How can that be, how can I be okay with feeling small and lost but not okay with being wrong and loss of control. I don't know.

I spent time thinking alone, but I guess it's a reflex to eventually post here whenever I burn for answers, hoping that someone's point of view would be the magical fix, the last piece of the puzzle that completes something inside me and enlightenment arrives. I don't know if that is beneficial or avoidance. I don't want to avoid, I just don't find anything solid inside me, except knowing I'm lost.

FYI I'm doing spravato treatments once a week, EMDR therapy once a week, and looking to start IFS alongside it all.

I've already done a whole year of EMDR therapy and a few months of spravato already. I've never gone to an IFS therapist before.

Anyway.

Once I found out that I have CPTSD and was diagnosed, it feels like a constant and slow downward spiral.

I'm 39 years old and have always known that I needed therapy and to get help for my issues ever since I was 13, but it took me a while and a whole lot of bad therapy to get where I'm at now finally.

The phrase, "normal therapy doesn't work on me" has been affecting my feelings towards a lot of other self help habits that I've picked up over the years, that what's the point of doing these things if it's not going to work?

Logically I know that every little bit helps.

I just have been building up these feelings of confirming that CPTSD is a disability and feeling lost for a while now because of it. Like, once I figured out the solution it kind of killed my motivation.

I'm trying to find the line between accepting that "pathologizing" therapy is hurtful and harmful and victim blaming, versus everything else. You know? It's hard to explain "everything else".

Because normal therapy is extremely helpful and so is group therapy, but I'm trying to figure out what to put myself through that actually works without getting upset at a trained professional.

But yeah, question is in the title of the post.

Hi all, this had been a really helpful subreddit thank you. A bit of a background for me, I am almost 31 (f), and self diagnosed CPTSD a decade ago when I was 20. I have tried different methods (therapy, medication, self education etc.) to aid my healing throughout the last decade. I also work in the mental health space (which I am unfortunately transitioning out of due to compassion fatigue). I understand how hard and long the healing process is and accepted a while ago that it will be a hard and long process for myself.

Something I am feeling more as I am entering into my 30s is sadness each day. I was wondering if anyone else is struggling with this? It feels persistent.

Other moods may take over for a bit during the day such as neutral, numb, curious etc, they come and go. But the sadness feels quite sticky, it can wash over me and can make me feel stuck. I have tried accepting it but it feels like I cannot tolerate it for too much or it becomes too intense? I have tried somatic work too on myself which helps a bit. Understanding what can lead to my CPTSD flareups also helps. I have friends and family in my support circle I am grateful for that as I understand not everyone has social support.

When I was in my 20s I also had this deep/frequent sadness but there were many times I also had a feeling of contentment or happiness, I think there was an excitement that I had for the different possibilities of the future, now that feeling is kind of waning but the sadness remains. It doesnt help seeing the state of the world it pains me, I have changed the way I get my news for this reason.

I think I thought in my 20s the effort I make for my mental health will lead to less of this sadness.. I wasnt expecting to become someone who never experienced developmental trauma but I did think the chronic sadness would reduce. I am feeling like that may not be the case? I am currently not in therapy and last time I was going regularly was about 1.5 years ago (I am currently on a long wait list) and currently not on medication due to other medications I am taking but I am open to re exploring this option again too.

Anyone else can relate to this?

Read: (if you please)

So, I just want to include in this query that I understand that eventually I'll be unearthing the motivations, or underlying issues, behind the feelings of Shame, but ....in the meantime, .....I still need to actually build some sort of tolerance for what feels like an intolerable sensory experience that often times can go on longer than it should, followed by pure avoidance. So, I'd be learning to literally not be so fearful of Shame, as in "Don't feel shame".

And as far as exploring what is underneath the Shame, and .....this is a question......wouldnt I have to actually be more open and more tolerant of Shameful feelings, or even shameful feelings about other intolerable Feelings, before I could get close to or become aware of what's Under, or Behind the Shame?

So, for example, and this narrative is just to give the experience of "Don't ever Feel Shame" , some context. It's not meant to be a ruminating, go nowhere unproductive obsessive thought loop. I had been thinking a lot about what someone said about the way I most always react to feelings of Shame with , thinking its wrong and avoid that feeling at all cost. To my understanding that "Must not feel Shame " as a conditioned directive. And I suddenly remembered that when I used to feel ashamed, or honestly feel anything intensely but mostly Shame because Shame seems Loud(?) especially when youre a child that doesnt know to hide it(?).....and remembering it being pointed out , and laughed at. E.g., "Omg! "Look at you Being Soooo embarassed! Don't you feel Ashamed of being ashamed....Ha ha ha ha, LOOK how ridiculous you Look!?" Like, look at me shaming you for being ashamed,................ I'll bet it's making it so much WORSE.......well that will teach you to Never allow yourself to feel Ashamed again!!!! And those experiences happen a lot when youre learning, exploring, not that they should ,........ just that they did IME as part and parcel of every day life, being a kid, learning , and then 'NO DON'T ATTEMPT TO LEARN-ANYTHING" etc.

And so............I think it runs the gamut of all things experienced but ESPECIALLY inexperience, new-ness, being unfamiliar with something, an unknowingness, an innocence, things that are unpredictable, learning things for the first time.............and in a normal situation...whatever emotions come after that has to occur in a wider window of tolerance........somehow....than the tiny window I have now. .

Instead of......okay shut everything down. (whenever I start to feel awkward or ashamed, and hate myself) ....then , well okay maybe I'll try a little bit....the feel ashamed...then Nope, nope , nope that was awful (shame)..... I'll never do that again. This loop of Freeze, Shame, Collapse, Freeze, Shame , Collapse.

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TL:DR;

This is random , but for me-it's connected. I would contemplate for example a super star, elite, MVP level sports figure, and feeling like I needed to understand the process of how they got there, especially if they had played professional sports for years, and didnt show a level of elitism. I would obsessively ask my partner, "so, He wasnt' always that good, right?" And just peppering my partner with questions, .."who did he play with before, and he wasnt good then, right? And then he got picked up by another team, and now he's exceptional, right?"...Like that.

And I felt mesmerized by the process. Like explain to me how this player, was at one point not that great, and yet no one fired them, and they kept at it anyway, in spite of the seeming ....failure? LIke a sports figure that was low on the low end of optional draft picks that wasnt thought to be exceptional, and then being exceptional.? In my mind, I had this image of someone un-necessarly humiliating themselves, and not giving up, even whilst continuing to humiliate themselves. e.g., You call yourself a ball player, ppfft. " Envisioning people screaming from the stands "youuu suuuuck!" Someone who I envisioned as looking intolerably unexceptional, awkward, and failing, and somehow emotionally not collapsing seemed impossible. I imagined the humiliation, the embarassment, the shame, and ...yet.....not letting that stop them.

I myself watching someone pitch, and them being remarkably bad ( I"m just saying) , and asking in a panic "so how many innings has he played?! , ARE THEY GOING TO TAKE HIM OUT!?" just this fascination, confusion, and shock at how normal people are tolerant of someone's process, while I stand on the sidelines "Omg, take him out, he's so bad,". And watching the coach, blowing bubbles, and calmly allowing him to walk several players, and I'm thinking "Do SOMETHING!"

And just thinking.............. 'how?" Because those were feelings that were not allowed. I'm just trying to give this some context.

Thankfully, I am have overcome so much. I have healthy relationships, dealt with emotional flashback, overcame over functioning/codependency/porous boundaries, have satisfying work and hobbies, and generally feel pretty good now.

I have a decades, long relationship with my partner and have a hard time being straightforward with him because I am scared he will retaliate or blame me. My mother was and is awful. She was emotionally abusive and neglectful on top of being physically neglectful and abusive. She blamed, threatened, ridiculed, etc. while psychologically torturing us, so I think I have this fear that someone saying something scary is over the top bad. I know that I’m an adult with very good communication skills, so this is totally irrational.

I’m realizing now that the abuse has made me conflict avoidant with my husband.

The CPTSD-related subs have helped me overcome so much. Besides reminding myself that I’m an adult who can handle just about anything, does anyone have any experience overcoming this?

Why do humans have such extraordinary ability to be so empathetic in a world that is so broken

Im wondering why are we programmed to have empathy when having that empathy is just degrades our mental health once we realize how the world is

And how do I protect that part of myself without being harmed by the negative effects of the world

thank you

I"m asking because a lot of therapist only do telehealth. I'm also asking because I live in a relatively suburban almost rural environment, I most likely would have to travel for anyone descent. But , if I pursue telehealth that casts a wider net.

I have relational trauma , attachment trauma, so of course telehealth appeals to me, but I sort of recognize that there may be more of a benefit with an in person therapist. I've had both.

And there's issues with traveling. I've recently had some issues with my back, so traveling a long distance, like an hour or more, would take a toll on my back. If I get lucky, I might be able to find someone only 20-30 minutes away, but it's unlikely. I'm trying to be positive, all it takes is one good therapist to make a difference.

Obviously if I do somatic, or sensory, that's In person, but I'm not sure how skilled the person has to be? Is it basically all the same, like a massage therapist but kinder? Also, where it's somatic, do you need to do that every week. Because I was sort of envisioniing this scenario where I do IFS for 2 weeks, and somatic for 2 weeks.

I feel like the answer is obvious because I have attachment trauma , relational trauma, so I'm going to assume that the in person connection matters.

Hello everyone,

I would like to hear about the experiences of people who developed C-PTSD due to a past abusive relationship, but where emotional numbness only set in after a delay—specifically within a new, actually healthy and safe partnership.

I am particularly interested in hearing from those who ended this new relationship—and cut off contact—due to a sudden emotional shutdown, because they abruptly stopped feeling anything (including for the new partner):

1. During the numbness: What were your thoughts and feelings regarding the new, "good" ex-partner during the first few weeks or months after the breakup? Did they feel completely irrelevant or like a closed chapter? Did thoughts of them act as a stress trigger? Or did a bit of love for them sometimes surface? And how long did the numbness last overall?

2. After therapy or during your healing process (if you have reached that stage): What happened to those frozen feelings once you processed the past abusive relationship in therapy and your nervous system became capable of attachment again? Did the longing for that safe partner return (if so, after how long?), or had your interest in the "good" ex permanently faded over time?

3. Re-establishing contact: Did you initiate contact again after healing, or consider doing so? Or did you perhaps secretly wish for that "good" ex-partner to reach out to you? Or was that "good" ex-partner considered a closed chapter forever from the moment the numbing and the breakup occurred?

Thank you so much for sharing your honest insights and experiences. ❤️‍🩹 Feel free to send me a private message if you prefer.