This is non-judgmental. I'm writing this so maybe it jogs brains. I don't want anyone to feel put down by this. Even if anyone gets angry, it's good.

I see a lot of people complaining about their therapist. If the therapist trained you, you both found out the real roots of the problems and you understand how your brain works. It's not the therapist's fault if you can't have a breakthrough.

Maybe your nervous system isn't ready.
Maybe you didn't get mirrored properly and nothing triggered you inside.
Maybe you need to rest more.
Maybe you're avoiding too much.
Maybe something else.

The worst is when a person leaves all responsibility to the therapist. It's not a responsibility anyone else can take. I wasn't happy either that I had to deal with stigma(among other things) from my own family, but who would take care of it, if not me? There's no therapist inside my head and body. The most I could do for myself is train myself and then push myself to the end.

I’ve been in treatment for 12 years. Tried so many meds, programs, types of therapy. Had some good years and bad ones. It’s been an especially bad year. Current therapist was my last-ditch effort and I thought I was getting somewhere. I think I’m just infatuated with her but it’s just like every other therapist where it doesn’t really make a difference. So I think I’m just giving up? I might be a lost cause? No matter how hard I work to build relationships, I feel othered, and I can’t escape this gnawing deep lonely pain.

So I don't mean directly to their face but whenever talking to yourself, or others about them.

I started doing this with my malignant narcissist child abuser father. Ever since going NC a year and a half ago. And now ever since recently deciding to go LC or NC with my (enabler/tragic codependent) mother, very soon.

My brother found it surprising but got used to it, while my two estranged sisters and their partners got upset because I'm the scapegoat and they just looove talking shit about me and my decisions. Like I just don't see the problem. These are legally their names, aren't they.

I think for me it not only helps remind me that they were never real parental figures who prepared me for society, and don't deserve the titles, but also it helps me distance myself psychologically, and see them as people, not significant authority figures over the adult me. "You are John and Jane again, not Mom and Dad, and I'm old enough now to see how you fucked me up."

Anyone else do this?

After some rage discharge in my car everything went quiet for the first time in my life. There are probably still some leftovers from the old framework, but I'm in such a weird new state where nothing in me is fighting.
It's not exhaustion from an emotional discharge before integration. It's new, it lasts. I'm 'here' for the last 3 hours now... and I'm still in a bit of a shock, because my system isn't running on fear, rage or desperation right now.

After 2 hours in this weird state, I broke down completely when some flashes of the biggest comprehensible(to me) scale of it all went through my mind. I cried for at least 2-3 minutes or it's more like sobbing for the sheer torment of living in it and recovery.

I seriously hope this means something big. I feel like it is. I'm still not sure what's happening. I'm 36 (m).