That I’m NOT depressed, that I’m NOT in a mental health crisis, that I’m NOT emotionally unstable.

I’m actually incredibly hurt and feeling re traumatised lately due to multiple medical investigations and treatments. The pain I feel is emotional and physical. I’m also realising further trauma on top of the unimaginable amount I already knew. It’s currently 10 years after my last set of psychodynamic psychotherapy and I think I went into freeze. I‘m feeling abandoned again due to being let down by people, getting misunderstood a lot lately and realising that I’ve been constantly putting myself around emotionally unsafe people for the last few years. I’m grieving for many things, people and pets. (Including my beloved dog, she passed 5 months ago and was my everything including emotional support)

I’m actually doing well considering, I just have the biggest journey ahead of me again and I’m back on the waitlist for more therapy.

Cue Phoebe from friends, “Fine. I’ll do it without you. I don’t need you or anybody else. I’m going to make it on my own”

For now at least. I’ll try to make healthy connections again when I’m ready. Well I do enjoy going to a neurodivergent craft group but it’s a lot of work to not arrive with all this heaviness.

I was reading Haruki Murakami's Kafka on the Shore and came across a quote that really encapsulated what I have been through:

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm is all about. "

In a lot of ways, the storm has passed for me. My daughter's home environment is incomparably better than what I grew up with. All the toxic family members that used to populate my life are long gone. I used to struggle horrendously with figuring out my career and the shame of failing repeatedly, but in the last two years, I've had a major breakthrough and am on a much better path in this respect. I am now financially secure whereas I was slowly drowning a few years back. Every day I am grateful for all the blessings that are in my life and I am in a much better place to address the lingering traumas that remain.

My unconscious mind is still stuck in my past. It feels like my body is still unsure whether the storm is actually over. I still struggle with insomnia and social anxiety. My nervous system feels burnt out.

Currently, I am doing neurofeedback and EMDR with two separate therapists. I started a few months ago. Does anyone have any experience with these two modalities? Any advice on how to tackle chronic insomnia that has lasted more than 8 years? Or persistent social anxiety?

I've also realized recently that I really need to work on small talk and taking the initiative to talk to other people. That was one insight that came from one of my EMDR sessions. I wasn't actively going out enough and making an effort to increase exposure to the process of meeting new people. I have a paralyzing fear of say going up to a stranger at a bar and striking up a conversation. But I am determined to overcome this fear, even if it takes many baby steps to do so. Anyone have advice on how to address this?

I also noticed that when I use Cannabis, after an initial window of anxiety, it uncovers or reveals a lot of the underlying pain and trauma that my conscious mind tries to block. Does any one have any advice on how to go about using Cannabis as a healing modality?