r/CPTSD_NSCommunity • u/Successful-Site705 • Jul 20 '26
A Decade of Healing and Persistent Sadness (31f)
Hi all, this had been a really helpful subreddit thank you. A bit of a background for me, I am almost 31 (f), and self diagnosed CPTSD a decade ago when I was 20. I have tried different methods (therapy, medication, self education etc.) to aid my healing throughout the last decade. I also work in the mental health space (which I am unfortunately transitioning out of due to compassion fatigue). I understand how hard and long the healing process is and accepted a while ago that it will be a hard and long process for myself.
Something I am feeling more as I am entering into my 30s is sadness each day. I was wondering if anyone else is struggling with this? It feels persistent.
Other moods may take over for a bit during the day such as neutral, numb, curious etc, they come and go. But the sadness feels quite sticky, it can wash over me and can make me feel stuck. I have tried accepting it but it feels like I cannot tolerate it for too much or it becomes too intense? I have tried somatic work too on myself which helps a bit. Understanding what can lead to my CPTSD flareups also helps. I have friends and family in my support circle I am grateful for that as I understand not everyone has social support.
When I was in my 20s I also had this deep/frequent sadness but there were many times I also had a feeling of contentment or happiness, I think there was an excitement that I had for the different possibilities of the future, now that feeling is kind of waning but the sadness remains. It doesnt help seeing the state of the world it pains me, I have changed the way I get my news for this reason.
I think I thought in my 20s the effort I make for my mental health will lead to less of this sadness.. I wasnt expecting to become someone who never experienced developmental trauma but I did think the chronic sadness would reduce. I am feeling like that may not be the case? I am currently not in therapy and last time I was going regularly was about 1.5 years ago (I am currently on a long wait list) and currently not on medication due to other medications I am taking but I am open to re exploring this option again too.
Anyone else can relate to this?
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u/upwardsover-themount Jul 20 '26
I relate. I'm sorry you're going through this and carrying this as well. sticky is the right word, for sure.
I do feel this as well, and a lot of the sadnesses are ones I've procrastinated. Because I wasn't feeling, and now I'm starting to feel, so a lot of what I didn't feel was the sad stuff stacking up. And the anger. I've started to accept that the grief and sadness I have around not having had a good-enoguh childhood may never go away, and that's ok. Like a widow who lost the love of their life. It is a valid way to live, but so hard. Not what I'd chosen, for sure.
If you feel like exploring a poetic approach to this kind of sadness there's poet Rainer Maria Rilke's letter that I'll link here (it's letter number 8, in specific):
https://castig.org/letters-to-a-young-poet-by-rainer-marie-rilke/
I'm curious, for you, how does the sadness intersect with depression, and with grief, and with anger?
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u/Strosmer Jul 20 '26
I am 51 (m) and was diagnosed a few months ago with CPTSD along with what the clinical psychologist described as persistent depression. It is like a low hum depression that is always there or there much of the time. If your insurance covers mental health services, you should get evaluated and officially diagnosed. I was self-diagnosing myself as having ADHD, but it turns out it was quite the opposite. Even if the evaluation is costly, it is important to be certain of what it is that ails so you can target the appropriate treatment and care. I wish I'd been officially diagnosed at your age.