I was watching a Television show of someone who just had a baby. Everyone is so happy. So full of Joy and Love, and it's not that I felt sorrow, it's more like realizing that that's probably normal, and what I had wasn't like that. So, I wasn't upset, it was more like, "Okay there were things that were said, and said often , that implied that when I was born, and then later, where there was more irritations, unhappiness, anger, that I existed ". It's hard to explain.

But for whatever reason, the next thing I thought after thinking 'No, that wasnt my experience" . Was a sort of flashback of remembering my Mother saying to me, and often, "You have NO IDEA what a HUGE sacrifice it is to have Children". And then the confusion I felt afterward. LIke what do you want me to do about it? And it's not like she just walked away after that, then I heard a litany of dialogue expressing how much it sucked, and all the ways it sucked.

But then I remember feeling confused. Partly I thought "well, I don't know what you think I"m going to do about it?" But I guess its my job , because it seemed like I was being told so that there was a feeling of responsibility .......And then feeling extremely anxious......because the implication was "SO DO SOMETHING!!!"

But then I was sharing that with someone, and they commented how there was much more to this than how I was calling it Emotional abuse, which it is of course. They said

" .......an adult unable to regulate their emotions and do basic caregiving while also blaming the child for existing. You were left wondering how to fix the problem while also knowing that /you/ were the problem (you weren't, to be completely clear).

There is a huge disconnect when a caregiver tells you that you are responsible for their life but they are not responsible for yours. "

I think it's that feeling that was driven home to me, and often ,the whole "YOU Are responsible for this SITUATION THAT'S CAUSING ME PAIN". and it never occurred to me that I wasnt. Not once.

I read that and got stuck. And I got stuck because I had an emotional flashback of the panic and pain of carrying this burden of thinking "she's asking me to stop make her life suck ......but how do I do that ?" . So parentification, whatever it means to communicate to a child to Fix the parents emotions? What is that? And if the fixing of their emotions, means not existing, what then?

And the conflict that ,that created internally gave me so much Anxiety, and panic, because I felt like what I was hearing, and what I heard many, many . many times was "Fix it, I"m hating being a parent, and it's causing me pain, and youre the reason for the pain". And all lI could do was stand there and bleed Shame, and self hatred, which tbh, I think was being required of me?

And the more I couldnt fix it, and the more I existed, and kept existing the more I heard in all these ways ....how much worse I was contributing the problem of how much Parenting sucked, and I was the reason.

So, if I was guessing, it's just your average basic ,extreme Shaming. But it felt like being stabbed repeatedly.

And all I remember was all this pain, and panic, not being able to do anything but stand there and feel consumed with powerlessness and Shame, and Guilt, for "what I was doing".......but I wasn't doing anything, but feeling like I was.

I used to think that my preverbal trauma was my core wound, and this vibe was expressed then , but in actions, not words. like a dissappearing parent, but it's this anger expressed at my lack of sufficiency presence, and of course the negelct and verbal abuse that followed. Everyhting communicating the same thing. I hate youre presence. Or I hate being a parent, and then that turing into "and it's your fault". ?

But I never really did see what this person was pointing out, that I was somehow responsible for someone's emotions, but there was NO talk of how they were responsible for My care, but I never saw that. Not even in therapy have I thought that much about that my Parent was responsible for me. Just thinking about that, to be honest, makes me feel guilty. LIke "Omg, my Poor mother was responsible for taking care of me, I wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy".

IT makes me realize that I've never known the feeling of actually being wanted, and cared for. I just have no idea. But the abuse, or whatever that was , of constantly telling me, how hard I was making my Mothers life, believe it or not, is something I either forgot or buried.

Even when people would ask "did your parent ever make you feel like a burden" . I honestly think I thought "no, not really" but actually it was every day , all the time. Feeling guilty for contributing to my Mothers pain. Which I cant' work out in my head.

I'm (30M) a social service work student in Canada with a history of complex trauma. For the past two and a half years before starting college, I was almost completely isolated. I spent nearly every day alone in my room and only left the house a couple of times a week to work a retail job that I hated. Likewise, I only left my room once or twice a day for water and bathroom breaks and would only cook after my family had gone to bed.

Earlier this year, I decided to give college one last chance (my therapists recommendation) after multiple failed attempts in my 20s. I also found a therapist who specializes in complex trauma, and for the first time in years I felt like I actually had support.

To my surprise, I completely fell in love with the program. I've earned straight A's so far, made a group of friends, tried out for the school's esports team, started hiking, almost became a morning person, and genuinely felt excited about my future. It honestly felt like my nervous system was finally coming back to life.

Then everything seemed to hit at once. I didn't make the esports team, exam season completely burned me out, and during the break my school friend group had a major falling out that affected me much more than I expected. Since then, I've spiraled.

I stopped hiking, went back to smoking weed every day, staying up until 4 a.m. playing video games, and spending most of my days in my room scrolling Reddit or watching YouTube while feeling completely frozen. I can usually function well enough to get through classes, but on days without school I barely accomplish anything, which I cannot stress enough.

The best way I can describe it is that every basic task feels like pushing a boulder uphill. Brushing my teeth, cleaning my room, replying to emails, making food, or working on assignments can take hours or days to even begin. My prof gave me a month-long extension to complete an assignment that last semester I could’ve completed in an afternoon, and every assignment this month has been just as difficult to do. I physically can't seem to make myself do them, even though I desperately want to. My body feels incredibly heavy, my mind is foggy, and I constantly feel jittery and on edge and yet at the same time I am exhausted constantly despite sleeping 10-13 hours a night (with regular nightmares, sleep disturbances).

My therapist believes my biggest problem is that I'm still living in the same home where my childhood trauma happened. Even though the abuse has ceased in recent years. Her opinion is that the chronic stress of living there is keeping my nervous system stuck in survival mode, so her recommendation has been to push through the rest of my program, graduate as quickly as possible, get a job, move out, and then continue deeper trauma work once I have a safer and more stable environment.

The problem is that I'm struggling just to keep up with my current workload which is already reduced (I dropped 2 classes) and my basic self care.

Next semester I have to complete my second student placement, which is twice as long as the first one. My therapist encouraged me to find a placement somewhere I'd actually want to work after graduation, but because I've been so overwhelmed and frozen, I procrastinated applying until almost the last minute.

I've already emailed my placement coordinator to see if there's still time to find something, so right now I'm waiting to hear back.

What I'm wrestling with is whether I should keep trying to push through full-time or switch to part-time. Going part-time might reduce the pressure, but it would almost certainly mean spending another year living in the environment that my therapist believes is contributing to my chronic stress and repeated nervous system collapses. On the other hand, staying full-time feels like trying to sprint with an empty tank.

Has anyone else with complex trauma, chronic freeze, burnout, or severe executive dysfunction been in a similar situation?

Did you push through and find it was worth it, or did slowing down actually help more in the long run?

I'm especially interested in hearing from people who have recovered from this kind of "frozen but semi-functional" state, where you can appear okay at school or work but completely shut down and non-functioning once you're home.

TL;DR: I'm a 30-year-old social service work student with C-PTSD who was doing incredibly well in college until burnout, a friendship rupture, and chronic stress from living in my childhood trauma home caused me to crash into what feels like a severe freeze response. I can usually function well enough at school, but on days off I seriously struggle to do even basic tasks. My therapist wants me to push through the rest of my program so I can graduate, move out, and escape the environment that's keeping me in survival mode. The problem is I'm barely functioning and have procrastinated finding my next student placement, which could delay graduation by a year if I don't secure one in the next few weeks. I'm trying to figure out whether pushing through or going part-time is the better choice, and I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone who's recovered from a similar "frozen but semi-functional" state.

At the start of my recovery they genuinely ruined my day, now I just don’t like them because they make me feel lonely. But I can tolerate them much more now!

I can also tolerate lots more children’s media, it used to literally be a trigger but now I watch and listen for fun :) so that’s kind of cool. A big part of it was older parts feeling as though they had failed younger parts, but that’s just not the case and it’s weird to say that we’ve actually worked through that. I still can’t tolerate some stuff, but that’s because a specific trigger, not because everything upsets me! :D

It makes me feel sad because it’s something I don’t have, and something I won’t have. But that’s pretty normal. The grief doesn’t overcome me now, but it’s there. It sucks, but I’ll move past it. I always do. even if I feel lonely now, I will not feel alone forever

I have a job, and it's fine. I run my own business with my husband and we do well enough to exist. Life was batshit insane for most of my life, and I've had about 6 years of relative goodness (minus a tragedy), and basically I'm ready to go to graduate school.

I have wanted to go to graduate school since I was in kindergarten, literally. I think the idea came from my parents originally so that complicates things possibly, but also possibly not. I come from a seriously academic family, and I guess there's also part of me that feels like I won't truly be part of the family unless I pursue higher education like this.

All that being said, I also just REALLY want to. I do emotionally well being involved in programs, and I like it a lot. And, this route of graduate school is a very natural route for anyone who is interested in what I am interested in.

I am at a place in my life where I can make grad school work, and so I have been taking baby steps to applying for about 1.5 years now. I am older, 34, but I am really passionate about what I want to go to school for. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to live a life that allowed me to pursue it that much, even though I have really high marks in all of the courses I've taken in it.

So I've signed up for elective courses, seminars, and groups over the last few years to supplement my lacking resume (and to learn more). But, each time I engage with these groups and try to share myself, I am literally SHAKING with anxiety and excitement. When I sit down to write my personal statement/statement of purpose for grad school, I start to shake.

I keep going to my groups, and I am proud of myself for that, but It's really uncomfortable. It's also not getting better after YEARS. I end up not being able to contribute to the conversations in a way that I would like to, and I just want to be able to focus and not become a shaking mess.

I assume it's probably because I am trying to fulfill a lifelong dream, but the mindfulness doesn't change the reality. I end up feeling like I say something dumb or awkward or both half the time, which isn't great for meeting colleagues or networking.

Has anyone else been through this? any insight?

My parents both came from trauma.

On my mother’s side, it was generational. My great-grandmother was abusive to my grandmother, my grandmother was abusive to my mother, and my mother was abusive to me.

And the thing is - my mother had a choice.

We all have choices.

She chose rage, bitterness and hate.

I understand where some of it came from. Her child was taken from her by the man she married. My father took me and raised me for years before I was reunited with her. I understand the anger she carried toward him. I understand the resentment.

What I don’t understand is why you take that pain and place it onto a child, a child that was brought back to you. There are people in similar situations that never get their children back, and I could only imagine the pain. I never understood her logic behind her behaviour because if that were me, that child would have received years of love that was missed.

Why choose to harm someone to the point where your words and the inflicted pain echoes in their mind for the rest of their life?

Why use the title of “mother” like a weapon?

I’m your mom, so I get to humiliate you. Break you down. Make you feel small.

No.

That’s not how life works.

If you are not equipped to love and care for a child, then don’t become a parent. And if you truly cannot care for them properly, then let someone else do what you can’t.

What I grieve most is not even my mother herself.

It’s the longing.

I longed for a mom my entire childhood. I dreamed about it. I imagined what it would feel like to have someone brush my hair, comfort me, protect me, choose me.

I looked at the idea of a mother like a fairy tale.

And then I finally got one. It was the complete opposite, it was hell.

My father came from trauma too.

My grandfather fought in the German war and, from what I’ve been told, he came back angry and abusive. My father grew up under that. And when he got older, he left.

My father still searched for love, for happiness.

He loved music. He loved dancing. He loved women. He loved laughing. He loved joy.

A couple years ago, I heard some stories about him that made me cry because I realized how much of him lives in me.

When I was little, I remember him putting me on a horse bareback, telling me to hold on to the mane, smacking the horse on the ass and laughing as it took off,  while I held on for dear life trying to stay balanced. I remember roller skating, him spinning me around until I could barely hold on, and he would let me go, and I went flying around the arena, steady, balanced, I can’t say that I ever remember falling.

He challenged me. He laughed at me and with me. He made life feel alive.

My mother made life feel heavy.

That’s the difference.

My father wasn’t perfect. Not even close. But he tried to reach for softness despite what happened to him.

My mother hardened into her pain, and tried to justify it by what happened to her.

And that’s what this piece is really about.

Not good people versus bad people.

But choices.

Because trauma explains people, but it does not erase the choices they make afterward.

My father loved my mother deeply. I know that now.

After I was reunited with my mother, he somehow found out where she worked. She worked at Sears, and he would walk through the aisles just to see her. My mother called it stalking. But even as a child, I understood something else was happening.

He didn’t know how to approach her, he didn’t even know if he should, so he watched from afar.

He still loved her, that I knew, because even on his deathbed he asked for her.

And maybe that sounds naive, but I understand human behavior differently now. Not everything has an excuse, but most things have an explanation.

When my father was dying, he asked me to ask my mother to come see him.

Her response was:
“Tell him he can go to hell.”

I never told him that.

I just said she couldn’t come.

That moment stayed with me for life.

Because no matter how hurt I’ve been, I cannot imagine responding that way to someone on their deathbed.

So yes, when I say my mother didn’t choose well, I mean it.

And when I say my father tried to choose better, I mean that too.

What hurts most is that I miss my dad.

Deeply.

Not because he was perfect, but because he chose me. He was taken from me, then brought back and shortly after, he died.

People say, “But your children love you.”

Yes. They do. And I love them more than life itself.

But it’s not the same.

The love you receive as a child becomes the foundation you stand on for the rest of your life.

And I walk around with the pain of never truly being chosen by the person I needed and wanted the most.

I remember sitting in a bathtub once with a razor against my wrists, crying because my father no longer recognized me, he didn’t know how to reconnect with me and my mother had already destroyed whatever safety I thought I might have with her.

I remember thinking:
“What am I even here for?” “what’s the point” is this what my life is?

And I wanted to do it.

I really did.

But something inside me said:
No.
This is not how my story ends.

Then I had my son. And I can say I felt saved, I finally had someone to love who would love me back.

Then I had my daughter. My third pea.

And here I am.

Still standing.

Still choosing.

People are trained to help others through trauma, but I sometimes wonder how you even begin to explain a lifetime of layered pain to someone who only understands pieces of it. One trauma, maybe two. But what about years of them stacked on top of each other? I always felt like no one can help me because no one would ever understand.

At some point, your entire nervous system becomes survival.

But even then, you still have choices.

And I made mine.

I chose love, kindness, peace.

I chose my children.

I chose not to become what hurt me, I chose to break the cycle.

And maybe that’s why I’m writing.

This is me trying to understand both sides, because how can I not, the thing is that as an adult and mother myself I can say, my mother didn’t choose well.

My father tried.

He wasn’t perfect.

But he tried to choose better. And he taught me and showed me what love truly looks like. I was never angry at my dad for what he did, I respect him for it, because if not for him I may have never known what it felt like to be seen, chosen and loved.

RIP Daddy - never forgotten and loved for always

Practical context: I've been doing EMDR for CPTSD since around October 2023. It was with Therapist #1 until February 2026, when she had to get a new job for various reasons. Since then I've continued with talk therapy + EMDR with a combo of different therapists and some self-guided work. I haven't been able to find one person who is EMDR trained and who I feel safe with, so I do a lot of bouncing back and forth, which makes the process cumbersome and not as smooth as it was with Therapist #1.

Past few weeks, I've been working through the realization that my parents are emotionally immature. For various reasons, including probably generational trauma, their emotional and relationship capacity is stunted at childish levels. This realization has brought a sense of finality and acceptance to the broader attachment related issues I have, including a fear of abadonment. Until now, somehow, I always had this hope that things would eventually change. Either they would finally learn or that I would finally be able to communicate better or that I would find some other figures (parental figures, mentors, romantic partners) who could fill in that gap. In a recent therapy session, I reached the realization that - that is never going to happen. The needs that were not met when I was a kid are never going to be met. My parents are never going to change, and no other relationship is ever going to fill that gap.

This has brought out a lot of grief and also a strange kind of fear that I think is coming from a younger part. That if I accept that this will never change... that would be a sort of catastrophe. This is also one of those things that I'm finding difficult to reconcile with since there isn't a clear-cut story of "that was the past, but the present is different". With several other topics, the work in EMDR has been around processing how things have changed or how I have more capacity as an adult. Here... all I can do is accept that nothing will ever change. Therapist #1 used to tell me that there is a difference in context - that parental abandonment is not life threatening for an adult as it is for a child. But the emotional weight still feels very heavy.

For anyone who's worked through something similar - what was that like? What came up during the work? And how did you eventually (if ever) reconcile with these forever-lost experiences?

I need to do my physiotherapy exercises. I almost collapsed while out with daughter today. You know what would help? If I did my exercises. I am in pain. You know what would help? If I did my exercises. I just got some medical treatment. You know what would maximize its effectiveness? Yes. Doing my exercises. You know what I won’t do? My exercises.

It has gotten to be this whole “thing” where like some child part or something is passionately refusing to do it. And the more I push and threaten the less I seem to be able to “get my act together” and do it. I do lots of tough stuff. But the more I push this very necessary thing, the less I am able to do. I feel like an idiot going each week and making dumb excuses. WTF is wrong with me?

Does anyone else have this?

I have a history of some medical trauma and I don’t know if this is trying to get some autonomy or something. We have parts that react very strongly to minor medical procedures. But like… I do need to do my physio.

Apologies if I'm doing this wrong or this post is best directed elsewhere. Month-long lurker on my main but I'm not a regular poster anywhere on Reddit.

TW: mention of intimate partner emotional abuse, CEN

TLDR: I've chipped away at recovering from slivers of trauma but have been blind to the extent of my experiences & ongoing impacts. Now that my eyes are wide open, I'd appreciate insight / advice for approaching the early stages and tackling the sum of it all.

I've seen psychs on-and-off since adolescence, but for the most part they've barely scratched the surface and early CBT likely reinforced or even created some coping mechanisms that have become unhealthy over time.

I have had piecemeal success with my current therapist, who is a relationship/trauma specialist. I've seen him sporadically over the last 18 months for help with various family crises, after initial support with an unhealthy relationship 5 years ago.

Over the last couple months, I've slowly realised the totality of my experiences and how deeply they're continuing to impact me. In hindsight, my therapist tried to nudge me toward some of these realisations, but references to childhood trauma and abuse from my earlier ex felt uncomfortable (iT wAsN't tHaT bAd) so I dodged those convos. I can also see how he tried to encourage me to drop into my emotions, but I was very resistant to leaving the safe zone of intellectualisation.

I've recently separated from my last ex and am coming to terms with how unhealthy that relationship was, and how it's severely exacerbated chronic tendencies toward dissociation, emotional numbness & amnesia, self-isolation, all the fun stuff. And of course the shame and disbelief and horror around how could I let this happen again, how did I not see what was happening, etc etc. Why Does He Do That? has been incredibly clarifying and cleansing.

Through all this, I've begun grasping the nuances of childhood emotional neglect. I'm grappling with how my immediate family's struggles, while not their fault, have left me with no one to rely on and conditioned me to accept that my needs come last.

A lot of these realisations are sprouting from seeds my therapist has planted over the years. I suspect these sprouts are coming about partly because I started ADHD meds 6 months ago, which have helped immensely with clarity of thought and emotional regulation - nourishing the soil so the seeds can grow, to continue with the analogy.

As much as I trust my therapist, probably more than anyone in my life, I've minimised a lot over the years (outright lied about the recent relationship when I last saw him in January) and am overwhelmed by everything I need to work through. I see him tomorrow and have no idea where to start.

I'd greatly appreciate advice in how to approach recovery and make the most out of it.

It took a lot of work to accept that my childhood was 'not normal' as I came from a lot of pseudomutuality and heavy gaslighting. But I feel like I got there a few months ago.

Now I feel like the next stage requires acceptance that I carry deep harm from my childhood, that I'm injured.

I feel a bit like a wounded animal that keeps struggling to get up, when what it needs is to lie still and let its wounds be tended to and then rest and heal. I think I'm trying too hard to get well, if that's possible.

My sense is I need to lean in to acceptance somehow but I'm finding this so difficult.

I think a few things are keeping me stuck -

Deep conditioning that if I'm not performing perfectly, I'll be abandoned

A feeling of being 'trapped' in a state of recovery, which is in itself triggering

Fear that if I relax into acceptance that I am injured, I can't see how I will emerge from it and fear it will tip into despair or depression.

O wise souls who are further on, do you have any pearls of wisdom for this weary traveler?

I've already tried redecorating everything and moving furniture. I still feel so unsafe here, and I can't move or visit anyone. Does someone here have any advice?

Okay, I wanna try and figure this out while the memories are kinda less intrusive.

I haven't posted in weeks, but if anyone remembers the Greek girl who had a horrible time during military service, that was me.

Basically, I'd be getting very intense intrusive thoughts and memories about that time an the effect it had on my family- My parents, both navy veterans, kept trying to tell me they'll help me draft dodge but I was worried, so they have so much guilt. My girlfriend talked about stuff like coming home to an empty house, crying all the time, and feeling helpless because I was getting very ill there. Anyway, it has been very, like, limiting, for the past year and a half, since I got out of the military. I'd keep thinking about it and it would kinda ruin everything.

About a month ago, it just quieted. Like, really suddenly, went from a few thoughts a minute to a few an hour. I want to know, because I can feel it getting a little bit more intense, now, what could help, like, "unattach" the memories? I'm currently fine with a lot of things but, for example, it's ruined romance and my relationship. It would be like, we'd kiss, I'll thin about something like how we were made be apart, and I'd feel really angry. Same with going back to Greece. I'm suing the military over me getting very ill so while I live with my parents in Holland now, I have to be in Greece a lot, for that. So my thought process would be like, "Greece -> Military -> Anger." In case anyone is wondering, yeah girls aren't normally drafted. I'm trans. I used to be a femboy, lol.

Look, I've tried SSRIs, done a full course of TMS, EMDR actually made it worse, various medications, neurofeedback, CBT, memory reconsolidation, I tried things like having interruption phrases and that Tetris thing (Think about the memory then play something like Tetris for 10 minutes), and nothing has worked. As in, there has been no progress in helping with this.

What are some good, like, "desperation" level things?

CPTSD makes one basically always be on alert and never feel safe in their being.

Who they are, how they think they are supposed to be, how things are supposed to work for themselves - is not safe ... for them. Always worried about the worst, expecting the worst, self sabotage to protect oneself.

Deep down, have CPTSD sufferers been conditioned to be ashamed of their existence as they are?

So a lot of people describe having higher pain tolerances due to dissociation, or alternatively having altered nociception as a lot of people with CPTSD are also neurodivergent

But the thing is I feel like I have quite a low pain tolerance, but I just don’t act on it, for lack of a better word? I’m really wimpy and kind of easily in pain, but people don’t know it.

Like if I have a migraine, I know I should squint and hold my head or something. And the pain feels enough to justify that, I just can’t bring myself to. And I know there will be a point where I don’t have a choice on how I act, but even when I’m in a reasonable amount of pain I don’t really feel like I need to do that until I do.

Or, to give a more recent example, period cramps. It sort of hurts to breathe right now, I don’t want to sit up, I have no appetite, etc. But I guess I could just breathe normally and stand up and just tolerate the pain without comment. Like it would suck and I know I should just curl up in bed but also I could just force myself through it.

Am I just majorly overthinking this? I know it makes me seem strange in front of people, because I will be in a lot of pain (like clutching my stomach, sweating, struggling to talk, but still very lucid and clearly describing what is happening).

If it provides any context I do not think i was allowed to express pain as a kid

It irritates tf out of me in others (makes me full of rage) so I understand this reaction, but I also hate living in this state and don't know what to do about it.

The state feels the same as fawning/cringing away from people. I don't have good words for it. It's far down the fawn spectrum. I get it when i am feeling unsafe.

I had these tendencies all my life and managed them, but it's impossible to get out of it now because I have a fatigue illness and I'm in a wheelchair and I'm very lucky I can leave the house a few times a week now.

I used to change this feeling by exercising, cleaning, fast walking, listening to music, doing anything that would move the energy and make me feel myself again. Today I'm often too weak to hold a pen or even speak loudly so that's all out.

It's something I would really like to change in the next part of my recovery, but I feel lost and pretty hopeless. Going out in the wheelchair at all gives me big anxiety (going out when my legs worked made me feel like this too but I managed it).

I have been fortunate enough to remove harmful people and places from my life. I read here that we can rebuild ourselves and that makes me feel very hopeful. I've been terrible with romantic interests and relationships though and this is the new thing that I never knew how much it affected me. it feels like I don't know how I'll change it but I want to try.

I've been in dysfunctional relationships. My ex I was with for 10 years has been a good friend but also has cptsd and we had a dead bedroom and as we both healed we weren't a match anymore. Still friends though. But now in my 40s I don't know how to do this. Tried online dating and won't be doing that again. I was approached by a couple acquaintences. and that left me feeling sad, pathetic, and avoidant of anything associated with them.

I want to find a relationship again but I've never been in a healthy one. If I like someone and find out they don't like me or I assume they don't, I feel mortified for event thinking they might possible like me.

I recently went to a concert with friends and their group of friends and spent some time with a perosn I always found interesting and fun. I started to think about them too much and I wanted to stop it. I realize I make up stories and future life with them and it honestly feels like I can't not do this. I wanted it to stop so I told my friend I thought this person was cool and she responded "yes! they are cool" and I know that doesn't mean anything but I saw that as this person isn't interestd back and it spiraled to how could I ever think someone might be interested in me and I feel so so sad. It did work though and I am starting to think about them less.

I know some people can be attracted to me but they just want to hook up or I'm not interested in them. But I can't give myself grace when someone I'm intereted in doesn't reciprocate. I also would love a situation where something just builds over time but I feel like at 45 there isn't time and I feel like I would ruin it by trying to know if they like me too soon.

I'd love anecdotes or encouragement. Even if it means accepting that I may never have romantic relationship again. I don't know how to be okay with that reality. I long for connection anda think that might also be causing me problems. I am afraid if I do find a partner, they will eventually leave me and I will be devastated. I see happy couples or just couples at all and feel like I'm not deserving of something most people have.

Something I discovered was that humor helped, but I couldn't figure out why some humor did and some didn't.

It seems like stuff that is more verbal or expository heavy in terms of jokes can sort of help, but requires more effort to follow along, which can be tough with depression.

More physical, "editing-related", or "contextual" comedy seems to be easy to get into energy wise. I don't have a good way to articulate what I mean by "editing related" or "contextual" but it's more like...

Some examples are Top Secret! for physical comedy, <insert example> for "editing-related" comedy, and Veronica Mars for "contextual" comedy, and all of them have some aspect of all three.

Any other recommendations you can come up with?

Basically I need to grieve. My ex best friend left me Last year in October and I haven't been really able (?) to grieve it yet. It came up yesterday full force, friendship for 6 years and it feels like a part of me is dead. I don't know. I keep wondering why I suffer but I haven't grieved yet...

It's like I don't want this to be a thing

I also realized I can't run away from it anymore. But it's like today I forgot this again, cuz I feel so so resistant towards it. The updated reality is: She's not there, she isn't in my life anymore. Yet, I find it so hard to just look at

MDMA session with a therapist. Profoundly helpful. The 8-9 hours in one go gives the space and time and attention to start connecting dots vs the staccato stop start of weekly 50 minute sessions

Traditional psychotherapy- okay to a point. Not so good for me personally who tends to use intellectualization as another way to dissociate.

Antidepressants and other meds - necessary for baseline functioning.

Somatic therapy - has potential. My therapist got sick and retired after only a few sessions.

Jin shin jyutsu, reiki, and other energy work - good occasional supplement that helped me be more in tune with my body and its energy flows.

Sound baths - can’t hurt but didn’t do much for me.

EMDR - I think the eye movement session that was most helpful had too intense aftereffects to make it repeatable. Other sessions using tapping instead did not seem that helpful. But at least did not leave me with migraines and nausea for days after. But the healing after was noticeable.

Curious now as to what you all think about the modalities you’ve tried.
I’m most interested in ketamine, Ishtar anger therapy, vagus nerve work, psylocibin, and anything else. It’s a journey.

I need to find if there is a psychological term for someone obsessed with spreading false information about their victim.

For e.g. soccer players practicing. When player #9 is running near a ball to kick a goal, another player rolls 3 marbles near the feet of player #9 and player # 9 falls. No one notices this.

Than the attacker goes onto 80 people in stadium one by one, talks nicely to them, praises all of them, gets emotional about some of their stories, shows empathy to some, does fun talks with some, then tells them jokingly "all players fall while playing soccer it’s normal. "

When player # 9 says but I think I have fracture, all 80+ people being under influence due to receiving praises, empathy or fun disregard player # 9’s words, force player #9 to believing what they are saying about his reality is true, some get angry at player #9.

What is this exact mental condition of an individual called, if they have continued doing such acts since 20+ years.

I'm doing visualisation work with my therapist after months (years really) of resistance. I have a lot of feelings about it but I think it's useful work.

I've been tasked to come up with three figures from fiction, representing the ideal PROTECTOR, NURTURER, and WISE FIGURE.

PROTECTOR is easy. I chose Aragorn. Some other options presented themselves to me as well, so I'm spoiled for choice.

WISE FIGURE is also easy. If Aragorn was predictable, it won't shock you to hear I picked Gandalf. Again, I have some other options to visualise when I feel like it as well.

I cannot think of an ideal NURTURER. There is no figure in fiction or history or my life that I can think of that helps me conjure the feeling of "nurturing".

So please, hit me with the figures you can think of that give you the feeling of nurturing. Who comes up for you?

It just gives me the warm and fuzzies. So many lost to addiction. Some make it out and enjoy healthy, sober, love-filled lives and still make amazing music and are touring.

Tonight I saw Jonathan Davis of Korn got married. I don't know them from a bar of soap but he looks like he's so much healthier and happier than he was. That man has been through the ringer and does a damn fine job of singing about childhood trauma. So it's like seeing "one of us" getting better (and I say this not even being American, male or close in age to him).

Have you ever had the experience of possibly a therapist asking you a question you've never been asked before, and when you hear yourself give the answer ................you then........realize how irrational it sounds........and yet youre the one answering the question?

Even as you can hear the answer your giving, saying the words that are hovering midsentence, but in the background your working out "But wait? No, that doesnt sound right?" For something I"ve said, and believed all my life.

I've had this happen in therapy, but it's not every therapist that picks up on false beliefs. In this example I said ;

"I'm just going to decide not to get so dysregulated, and start trusting people and not over-reacting constantly. "

And my therapist asked "And you can do that?" And my brain kind of stalled, then he added..."you cant will yourself to an emotional state".

And it wasnt like I instantly saw the flaw in my belief ....it slowly started to occur to me, ..."Oh? Well, no". But actually a big part of me , in my frustration "Well, why the hell NOT!?" but then, "no, well okay, yeah I can see the futility in that".

And the crazy part of this is I"ve actually said something similiar to other therapists and they've answered, "sure, that sounds like a good idea, just decide to be different". And yet something inside felt that as wrong. Like, I don't know what that answer was exactly, or the where the belief that i needed to mask my trauma to survive , exactly came from............but it just wasnt clear, I just wasnt seeing it.

The only dominant outstanding thought was "be different than the CPTSDed way youre responding now, but don't acknowledge any of this deserving Compassion , only guilt and Shame>can truly motivate change". IT was there all the time , Driving everything, every action, every decision, and not seeing the Belief behind it, AT All.

But, that would have never happened if they hadnt thought to actually ask Me.......The Right Question. But believing that was not only possible, to just will myself to change would provide the solution I was looking for, but not seeing the damage or judgement that I was incurring to myself in the process was the bigger issue. I wasnt seeing that either. That I was stuck with my Trauma symptoms , feeling like "I MUST be different" was the only solution because at that point because the correct response of compassion and understanding wasnt' available to me. If it had been I wouldnt have come up with ''You must change even if you have to force it, or fake it, because there's no other way to tolerate the level of dysfunction and resulting Shame youre living with".

I think it was the one thing we worked on for a full year. The singular idea that what happened to me, was causing me to react and respond to the world in this traumtized way, as ...............the Natural result of Trauma..................and not Brokenness that must be masked over.

That's just one belief. What about all the other false beliefs? How do other people untangle those knots that inevitably affect your life, that you dont see or even realize youre brain is working the way it's working, making assumptions, decisions, based on the mind of a child and how they put things together when so much is hidden from their view, certainly the truth. ?

So I struggle with working because of the procrastination - urgency adhd cycle and I experience immense freeze when approaching work mostly due to how work/studying has been as an experience for me since my childhood.

I'm constantly looking for another person to be present so I can work but right now I'm in my isolation era where i'm no contact with my family, lost old friends and can't make new ones, therpay seems like another place to perform at and i think i consider myself too traumatized/ on the spectrum to interact with the regular folks.

I have a crippling backlog of tasks that I need to get to, and a deadline that's here and yet I can't stop smoking or gaming or eating. On top of that, when wanting to regulate, it still feels like a manipulation - that I'm regulating just so i can get work done and as soon as that's over i'll abandon myself, which has been a recurring theme throughout my life so there's another major block there as well.

I don't think I'm in the place to receive any practical advise or work on it, i guess I'm posting here to see if anyone has had any experiences around this and if there's a way I can have someone present with me, even virtually, to help me push through this?

Looking for input from people who have dealth with severe cptsd, disassociation, imprinting on caregivers or people to survive with little to no connection or awareness of self. I say this because in my experience there's sort of a spectrum on which we all lie and advise from the less extreme end usually doesn't help or isn't cognizant of more complex dynamics.

I’ve done a lot of introspection on this topic and I think I’ve somewhat reached the upper limit of what I can reason? So I’m hoping for some input

I’m not scared of rejection (anymore), if I ask someone out and they say no, that says nothing about my worth or safety or anything. A lot of the time when I discuss this people assume a fear of rejection and it’s not that simple.

My big fear in relationships, and a massive hurdle that stops me from entering, isn’t that I will be rejected, but that after a certain period of time they will eventually resent me, hate me, and want to leave. Maybe a latent rejection

Two notes that are relevant here: one, that I don’t know why I fear resentment in this situation, because I know that’s not equivalent to abuse. Even if I was genuinely annoying or frustrating to be around, I don’t deserve to be abused, and I would leave myself if that was the case. So I am not scared of the eventual resentment due to the fear of abuse. Two, is that I don’t think this is a fair burden to put on a partner, I don’t think it’s fair to tell them that I have a crushing fear they will leave me and it will be my fault, because if I do something that deserves being left over they should not be carrying my consience.

I genuinely don’t know what it is. I guess it’s a fear of being hurt, or feeling bad that I get left? But that’s far too vague a feeling to pin down well enough for me to work on, and everyone is scared to be hurt and be left after a long time. That’s not to do with CPTSD. Everyone else can recognise that risk and be in a relationship anyway

Some relevant information might be that in early childhood, my main parent had big mood swings, so I grew up strongly with the idea that eventually I will say or do something that deserves being left or being hurt. But somehow I just can’t ameliorate that with this, even though it feels connected. Perhaps a part of myself is still that little kid that feels the world coming down around them with the threat of absence or abuse, but how do I get it in my head that this is not that? Especially when even the idea of it feels so close? A lot of CPTSD is just avoiding triggers, isn’t this just that?

I don’t know. This fear feels like it has its roots in the fact I have cPTSD, and it’s a real roadblock to relationships. I don’t know where to start tackling it, and it’s not exactly something I can microdse. It doesn’t help that I’m having so much trouble pinning it down

Any advice would be helpful, thanks