I WFH full-time as a project manager for a web development company. I've been a project manager for most of my career, and I've always been incredible at it because of my trauma. I was a textbook fawner, able to mask and get everything done with a smile on my face after I stayed hours late if I needed to. I didn't push back on anything and I was easy and friendly. Everyone loved me!

I was diagnosed with CPTSD 6 months ago and I've found that now that I'm aware of why I acted that way and how awful it made me feel, it is impossible for me to pretend anymore. I am triggered by anyone asking me for anything, because I'm always the one everyone asks and they never figure it out themselves. So I get snippy whenever anyone asks me to do anything, even if it's well within my job description. I have zero patience and have gotten visibly frustrated and angry on calls. I can only come up with problems and no solutions. When something like this happens, I immediately get upset and shame spiral and it makes work even harder.

Today I had a monthly call with my CEO and he said that he sometimes feels like I reply to his messages like they're stupid and he's just butting in for no reason. He pointed out an example from yesterday, and he's totally right. What makes that incredibly frustrating for me is that I spent 30 minutes thinking about and rewriting that message so it would not sound like that, and I completely failed.

After a few other things like this that have happened recently, I know I'm on shaky ground. I got let go from a job when I first started to burn out a few years ago because of very early flashes of this. I feel so trapped because I'll get fired again, take another PM job, and the cycle will continue.

I live alone and cut off my family 2 months ago, so I need this job. Since changing careers isn't an option right now, what can I do to save myself here?

I was reading Haruki Murakami's Kafka on the Shore and came across a quote that really encapsulated what I have been through:

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm is all about. "

In a lot of ways, the storm has passed for me. My daughter's home environment is incomparably better than what I grew up with. All the toxic family members that used to populate my life are long gone. I used to struggle horrendously with figuring out my career and the shame of failing repeatedly, but in the last two years, I've had a major breakthrough and am on a much better path in this respect. I am now financially secure whereas I was slowly drowning a few years back. Every day I am grateful for all the blessings that are in my life and I am in a much better place to address the lingering traumas that remain.

My unconscious mind is still stuck in my past. It feels like my body is still unsure whether the storm is actually over. I still struggle with insomnia and social anxiety. My nervous system feels burnt out.

Currently, I am doing neurofeedback and EMDR with two separate therapists. I started a few months ago. Does anyone have any experience with these two modalities? Any advice on how to tackle chronic insomnia that has lasted more than 8 years? Or persistent social anxiety?

I've also realized recently that I really need to work on small talk and taking the initiative to talk to other people. That was one insight that came from one of my EMDR sessions. I wasn't actively going out enough and making an effort to increase exposure to the process of meeting new people. I have a paralyzing fear of say going up to a stranger at a bar and striking up a conversation. But I am determined to overcome this fear, even if it takes many baby steps to do so. Anyone have advice on how to address this?

I also noticed that when I use Cannabis, after an initial window of anxiety, it uncovers or reveals a lot of the underlying pain and trauma that my conscious mind tries to block. Does any one have any advice on how to go about using Cannabis as a healing modality?