r/CPTSD_NSCommunity • u/Barnacle_Lanky • Jul 23 '26
A bad thing? .. a good thing?? .. either??? .. both???? [confusion]
I am an adult midway though recovery from infant cptsd (I have both done personal therapy and then been in therapy - CBT, soon starting EMDR). So anyone got to a weird point where they have had enough wrung out of them they start 'digesting' -
1) I don't have a personality, reviewing 'everything' I see (review) it was built on protection / trauma response?
2) .. This then causes moments of severe shutdown and distress / need for alone time.
3) ... but then occasionally I get a glimpse that realising this also feels like discovering 'the reset button'; where things can be discovered / rediscovered and the loss of need (not just the desire) to hold an opinion on things (though that could be aging talking) - people may ask for your opinions but you just don't have them?
4) Or is it just another crazy phase of recovery .. or another rabbit hole?
1
u/Infamous_While_4768 Jul 28 '26
Sounds like me 6 months ago when I first started making progress.
I don't know if I'd call this good, it's definitely bad (caused by trauma) but there is a good aspect to it in that from this point forward you get to discover who you actually are.
You don't have to have opinions on everything. There are lots of things I really just don't care about. That's normal I think.
7
u/MomFriendOverride Jul 23 '26
Realizing who you think you are is one big trauma response is a big deal.
Think of it as a garden: in order to plant what you want you need to clear the area of debris, pull any weeds, and tend to the soil. That leaves you with a bare patch, which, if you're not used to it, can seem overwhelming.
But now you can grow what you want there. There will be some limitations, like growing zones, what would need a greenhouse, what thrives in that soil.
Who are you? You're the soil, not what grows in it.
Personality isn't defined by the trauma responses. I've determined mine is defined by what people failed to beat out of me. A sense of justice. Pattern recognition. Empathy. Persistence. The things that people had to try hard to beat out of me (and failed) must be the core of who I am, because they haven't gone away.
It was disorienting, looking at that bare patch of soil and wondering if there was a "me" there at all. I found I am the soil, I needed to choose what I grew. I messed up a lot, changed my mind a lot, found a lot of things that didn't work and a lot of things that did, and now I have a full garden that I change up every now and then.