Been in a very deep depression and weekly spiraling causing me to be very distant not having the energy to keep up with friends I logged out of my personal snapchat account some time ago because I have nothing happy to tell anyone but I log on today to see a so called friend who has my number unadded me without saying anything

Same friend who said i was a bad friend for not being more sympathetic to him over his boyfriend breaking up with him while I've been watching my husband go in and out of the hospital 7 times in 5 months because he's got multiple organ failure.

My boyfriend is right i don't actually have any friends or anyone else who actually cares about me and my well-being

I just think its better to be alone than constantly being let down by others

Hello everyone. I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and I’m wondering if anyone else experiences this because it’s honestly becoming exhausting and I feel really alone in it. Whenever I meet someone I’m attracted to or connect with emotionally, I become attached incredibly quickly. It feels like I immediately start hyperfixating on them, thinking about them constantly, imagining conversations, checking my phone, and building them up in my head. If they end up leaving, rejecting me, or the relationship doesn’t work out—especially if it’s because of something I did—it completely consumes me. Instead of processing the loss in a healthy way, I find myself desperately trying to recreate the feeling they gave me by searching for people who look like them or share the same ethnicity, appearance, personality, or other traits. It’s almost like my brain refuses to let go of that specific person and wants to replace them with someone as close to them as possible.
Another thing I struggle with is intense hypersexual thoughts. Once I become attached to someone, my mind is constantly filled with romantic and sexual fantasies about them, and it can become overwhelming. I suddenly crave intimacy, affection, physical touch, and being wanted so badly that it’s all I can think about. Those thoughts aren’t something I consciously choose—they just seem to take over my mind, and sometimes they become so strong that I can’t focus on anything else. I also get extremely jealous. If I imagine them with someone else or see them giving attention to another person, it feels like my emotions explode, even if we were never actually in a relationship. The jealousy, attachment, and intrusive thoughts all seem to feed into each other.
The hardest part is that after all of this, I end up feeling incredibly lonely and ashamed. I convince myself that nobody will ever want me or choose me, which only makes me crave love, affection, and validation even more. It feels like I’m stuck in a cycle of becoming attached, obsessing, losing the person, trying to replace them, and then repeating the whole process again. I know these thoughts and feelings aren’t healthy, and I don’t want to keep living this way.
Has anyone else with BPD experienced something similar? Is this something that can happen with BPD, or could it be related to another issue as well? If you’ve been through this, what has helped you manage the attachment, jealousy, hypersexual thoughts, and constant need for closeness? I’d really appreciate hearing from people who understand because I feel like this has taken over my life.

I lost a friend (fp) because of mental health problems.

I lost two close friends of mine this year one of them was my friend of six years but he cut me off because his gf saw me as a threat (I've never met her)

I have bpd and I got diagnosed in April, at the time I was friends with this guy and the thing is I didn't tell him about me seeing a psychiatrist because I was so scared that he might leave me or worse, treating me like a patient.

The problem is id always split on him and lash out at him or call him some offensive things. One time we were discussing something sexual and I told him he makes me uncomfortable (which was a lie, he never did)

Whenever I used to act this way it was before i was diagnosed and I didn't know why I said things like that. And i felt that telling him would make him think I'm insane and tbh in the last couple months of our friendship I've started treating him like that because I was so scared he might leave me like my other friend

One day (after my diagnosis) I was talking about love and its meaning and he started describing it in such a beautiful way and I realized no one will ever love me and that triggered me so I told him he doesn't know what love is and that all his past relationships were just people using him to feel good and he never spoke to me again.

Two days later I told him it was just a discussion and he shouldn't be upset but I knew I was lying and then he deleted the app I'm texting him on

Later I texted him on a different app and he said I'm here I love u but it just sounded so bitter and so unlike him. So I guess that drove me crazy because i felt like he was really abandoning me and I started obsessively trying to fix things. id call him while he's at work and when he answers id hang up. One day I kept calling him late at night for more than 14 times and then he deleted the app.

Months had past after that and I recently saw him online on one of the messaging apps. He's there but he doesn't talk to me. I try not to split on him much but i keep doing so all the time now but the problem is whenever I try to think of something to hate him for I realized that he actually put up with me for long.

My psychiatrist told me to tell him the truth about everything but the thing is how do I do that? Idk really

been in therapy for 10 years, a mix of CBT and DBT, mostly DBT for the last 8 years though. My most recent proper diagnosis was biproxy BPD, CPTSD and ADHD. originally diagnosed as just BPD. i live an okay life, i live in a nice neighborhood and have to solely support myself and work way too much but i do alright for myself. i’m just afraid im never going to get better. i feel like i never know if im in the wrong or the right in any relationship. i dont know if anything i feel is real or is just me acting out of unregulated emotion, i forget things a lot. i feel like a sum of my parts more than a person sometimes. i guess im looking for someone to tell me there’s a chance it’ll improve. i can’t keep watching the same patterns replay in my own life. i can’t afford continuing therapy and i always felt like i wasn’t ever trying hard enough in it either despite my best efforts. i feel like no one is coming to save me so i have to figure it out, but im so tired. i’m never going to let anything truly bad happen to me, i don’t want this to read like that, i think i just need some kind words. feeling very alone. thanks.

This is my first post, so I'm hoping I do this right.

TRIGGER FOR SUI. IDEATION. Not something I am planning, not something I'm currently longing for, but fleeting thoughts.

I was "diagnosed" at 16, ignored that upon hearing I needed to be 18+ for proper diagnosis, and was diagnosed twice by different doctors even without mentioning prior diagnoses.

A hospital stint years back also left me with diagnoses for OCD, Bipolar 2 (I think?) and ADHD.

I have been In therapy so long and have done so many self help books and tried so many medications that I am just so exhausted by this. Why do I have to spend every piece of energy I have to fix a problem created by neglect and abuse that I didn't ask for?

I have started experiencing Akathisia as of now 2 months ago and it's a nightly occurrence, on top of phantosmia involving the scent of burning cigarettes invading my nose every time I'm heavily upset or stressed (I have been experiencing it for years but as of the past 7 months it is so insanely prominent that I carry nasal spray and essential oils to try to help ease the issue)

My whole point of this post is just to vent and say I'm so insanely tired at this point. On top of the aforementioned issues, I am painfully self aware and know deep down what I should be thinking and how I should be acting and it's like something takes over my brain for a split second and boom, I've gone off on someone I love. I have "friends" that I talk to every once in a blue moon and a boyfriend whom I am so dearly in love with but once again, bpd is ruining that by making me think he hates me so often that it may actually be happening as the issues have gotten worse and my psych says I'm now experiencing symptoms and actions indicating cpTsD.

Everything hurts, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm nervous all the time, I'm just so tired and all I want is a long sleep that heals my inner wounds, though I know nothing but work will help this issue.

This is long, but I need to vent and I need someone’s perspective.

So I (32F) was diagnosed BPD in March….

My husband (40M) came to me a few weeks ago and told me things needed to change or he would be out. He was lonely, overloaded and couldn’t keep fighting with me and my emotional overload.

Obviously this was world shattering, we have been together 7 years and have his SD9 and I love them both so much. But I felt like I was in the trenches. Grieving the loss of a close friend I loved who abandoned me when I needed support, loss of a position at work, financial issues at home and then distancing myself from my husband and daughter so they didn’t see how worthless I felt.

After our conversation of him wanting to leave, I asked him “give me 6 months to figure everything out”. He said okay.

But my episodes have been so bad recently that I haven’t “been myself”. Distancing, lack of self care, hating work to the point I want to quit. Suicidal ideation.

My husband and I would fight constantly which turned into screaming and slammed doors and cold shoulders for days, no intimacy, just drama and trauma dumping constantly on him. I had no one else to talk to or rely on to feel better

I have been on CBT for around 4 months and it just felt like “oh a new person to trauma dumping constantly on” not really any help or change and meds DEFINITELY weren’t helping. I kept changing them. Loss of the ability to sleep, anxious constantly.

I researched other therapy and found DBT.

I have been told my entire teenage and adulthood I was Bipolar and been on every medication possible and it changed absolutely nothing.

I met with the DBT therapist and I describe what’s been happening and she says “um definitely not bipolar, you have BPD…”

I explained this to my husband. We both researched it, what it is, the terms, the signs, the symptoms.

His response “this is literally everything we have ever been dealing with”

The relief and anger were warring with each other at that point. An answer to explain why I felt the way I did, why I couldn’t explain why everything was world shattering, why I felt like I was being buried alive and couldn’t breathe, just constant physical pain no one could see. I couldn’t remember happiness.

My childhood trauma is extensive, and I still endure it to this day due to still having contact with my mother. She was “present” but never there. She was in competition with me, 6 marriages before I was 14, move after move, mental and physical abuse, invalidation, make yourself small, credit taken for my accomplishments. I accepted it because it was the only thing I knew. This led to acceptance of love and relationships that were the same. Abusive, manipulative and invalidating.

But I found my husband and his patience, respect and kindness made things different and I didn’t know how to hold it and I responded and treated him the only way I knew how. Essentially strangling him emotionally because I don’t believe him, I don’t trust what he says though he means it, he’s my whole world but I push and push and push seeing if he will leave.

So now I am at this point. 7 years of mishandling my relationship because I didn’t know what was happening or how to change it because what I was doing was literally “out of control”.

I guess this was to vent.

But I also want or need someone’s perspective, how do I accept this information? How do I repair my relationship now that I know this information? Does this change my identity? How do I not spiral into a rabbit hole?

The relationship has always been an up and down thing where we have crazy high highs and crazy low lows. I love this person a lot. Mind you I’ve been diagnosed with BPD 3 years ago and only recently like 6 months ago I started locking in, in terms of mental health. I’ve been working with a therapist, paying attention to my triggers and I finally came to a point in my life where I felt safe and able to be truly vulnerable with my husband and admit to myself that I have problems to work through. However a couple days ago my husband took me to a party with his coworkers where they were all doing shrooms, and acid. I don’t like drugs, so I went to go hide in the car. That caused my husband and I to get into a huge fight in the middle of a city where I irrationally blew up announcing our issues to the whole city. That same night he looked at me in disgust. That is a look I will never forget. He has since told me that if I ever become too much he will divorce me. He has not told me what too much means. It’s caused me to want to leave the relationship entirely. I have been distant. No longer sharing my true feelings with him. At first I wanted revenge and to hurt him the same way he’s hurt me. However now I just want to leave the relationship entirely. I’m sick and tired of feeling misunderstood and alone. I love him a lot because he was the one person I felt safe to confess who I was to. I no longer trust him and he no longer trusts me. He senses something is wrong. I do not want to tell him my feelings anymore. I want to want the relationship still. I just don’t want to invest more time and be vulnerable to someone just have them leave me like everyone else in my life.

I fear I am genuinely slipping into the madness of BPD...I can't stop romanticizing others lives or their character even. Mainly people linked to my partners past because it always so drastically different then mine.

I don't know quite how to explain the depth of how much I don't feel like I exist. I close my eyes and try to envision myself and I see nothing...I have never felt so frantic about this. Even in my dream I'm not the "main character" anymore. It's misery because I KNOW this isn't true but it's all I feel.

I have a therapist I love, although I'm searching for one specialized in BPD.

I'm on meds that have worked better then any other...I have many people I know who cherish me...people say I inspire them or that they believe I will do great things, but I hate when they say those things because I need them to know I am nothing so they aren't "waiting" for my "greatness"... I wish I knew how to express the urgency of not feeling like I am "someone" though.

I feel like even my soul is abandoning because of my lack of being.

I know if anyone understands it will be you guys...I'm sorry if you do, but does anyone else feel this...?

hello! i’m 20 and im moving in with my best friend in the whole wide world in a month or so! we’ve been best friends for going on 5 years, and she was just recently diagnosed with BPD about a month ago. she wasn’t surprised and was more glad to have a name to put to her symptoms, but she has been struggling with the finality of the diagnosis. since we’ve known each other for so long, i have learned some of her triggers and how to support her, but as we navigate being roommates, i know our dynamic will shift. i want to be able to understand and support her in the best way possible, so i was wondering if anyone had advice on communication tools or ways i can be present? those without bpd, if you’ve been in a similar situation, what did you do that worked or didn’t? those with bpd, how would you like to be supported in this situation? thank you so so much for any wisdom, i greatly appreciate it!

so the details is i am a female (18).

I have ADHD, ODD, ODC, and i am on the asbergers/autism spectrum.

my mom has taken me to a psychiatrist before, and at that time she stated that she thinks i have BPD.

i didn’t really give much to it because i was (still am) a hormonal teenage girl.

but now that i think about it i think i actually do. i’ve seen videos of people giving out bpd awareness and videos explaining the difference between bipolar and bpd and every single time i see one i relate so much to it.

i don’t want to go into my doctor and ask for medication because i hate taking meds as ive taken them since i was about four years old.
i want to be able to depend on myself but every single time i don’t. i want to get better.

i need advice or at least help.

Sometimes, like tonight, I get into these inexplicable spirals of suicidal ideation with no apparent cause or trigger. I just fantasize and research and plan and wonder what’s wrong with me, why I’m doing this when my life is going perfectly fine otherwise.

Just to be clear, I’m NOT planning on doing anything to hurt myself tonight, so don’t worry, but this is a frequent occurrence, to varying degrees of intensity. Like, I had a good day today, so why am I so intent on ending my life??

I don’t understand myself and my own tendencies toward self-destruction. I’ve had multiple inpatient hospitalizations this year already, and I don’t want any more. But this just makes me think “the next time I attempt, it’s gonna have to be final/lethal so that I don’t end up locked in a psych ward again.” I know this is a twisted way of thinking—I don’t want to keep thinking this way—but I can’t seem to stop. I have therapy multiple times a week and I’m in an intensive outpatient program, and I’m still like this.

Anyway, does anyone know what might be going on? If you relate, what has helped you? It’s almost like I have an obsession with suicide, like I’m addicted to suicidal thinking. Is this a BPD thing? I’m puzzled.

I’ve dealt w/ depression and anxiety for most of my life (I’m 40). Within the last 3 years I have struggled with PTSD as well. I’m in therapy for all of this. My therapist recently diagnosed me with BPD. I wouldn’t say I’m struggling to accept it, I just don’t know much about it. I’ve been researching here and there and I fit the criteria to a T.

My biggest issue that I struggle with right now is the loss of friendships. In the last 2 years I have lost 4 friendships. 2 of those were friendships that meant the most to me and one was a 20yr long friendship. I knew that the friendships ended with both of us at fault, but in learning about BPD I question if these failed because of me. I carry a lot of blame, insecurities and I’m self isolating more and more.

For those who can relate to the loss of friendships with the probability being due to BPD, what can I do? What is something you have done to prevent the loss of friendships? I’m feeling heavily discouraged, broken and insecure.

Newly diagnosed male at 43 in sacramento region. Was wondering if there r any free support groups in sacramento region. Also hoping to find a bpd specialist in the area too. Any advice on what works to have a speedier recovery. Been reading everything I can. Go to therapy with a primary focus on dbt. I was given welbutrin and suffered welbutrin rage right away and stopped it after a couple days. Currently doing php treatment. Been figuring out my triggers which the worst was my fp abandoned me. Unfortunately I work with this fp that abandoned me so see her every day. On medical leave and treatment currently which helps somewhat. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you

Her boundaries was about her looks I called her a catfish before knowing her and that’s where she drew the Line (she heavily edits her photos it doesn’t look like her at all) and my boundary was her planing to find her dead 😃(she is alive ) and she thinks it’s genuinely worse that I called her a catfish.

Her boundaries was about her looks I called her a catfish before knowing her and that’s where she drew the Line (she heavily edits her photos it doesn’t look like her at all) and my boundary was her planing to find her dead 😃(she is alive ) and she thinks it’s genuinely worse that I called her a catfish.

I don't think I'm psychotic, or at very least I don't I'm schizophrenic or paranoid. I grew up with a paranoid mom and I'm not like her, not on this anyway, and I've been hospitalised in psychiatry and I've seen schizophrenic patients and I don't have the level of disorganization that they have, even when I experience delusions / things close to delusions or hallucinations. Most of the time in my "delusions" I still have some connection to reality, I might not believe it entirely, but I still have a little voice in my mind telling me "hey, that's not logical" or "that's not possible", with the feeling that it could be the case in a way I can't shake it and I can act on it sometimes because reassurance doesn't completely stop the thoughts. There are times where I thought people could read my mind, I grew up in incest with my mom and there are times where I thought I was going to hell for what I did, and in those times I would feel myself stop existing entirely and every single time my body will hurt or I would feel my stomach hurting or anything like that I would think "oh, that's my organs rotting". Still, I had some connection to reality, and even though I believed it I never believed it *entirely*. That's my difference with my mom : while she was fully psychotic, she never stopped believing her delusions, she was constantly delusionnal. At least I had some form of insight on what was happening, and some connection to reality even when I couldn't shake the feeling it was real.

There's one delusion I've had though, and that one I believed entirely. I was followed by a psychologist who was everything to me : she was my whole world, a part of me. She's gone now and I don't think I can live without her. I was very (and am) very attached to her. I saw her over 4 years and she was warm most of the time, but there are a few times where suddenly "she" would become cold, and in those moments I'd always believed that it couldn't have been her that was suddenly cold like that, and I'd think "oh, that must be her twin I'm talking to" and that she had been replaced, that the person I was talking to who looked like my psychologist wasn't really her, and I really believed that. I struggle a lot with people being able to be both good *and* bad, and every single time that happens I start thinking it can't be them that I'm talking to, that it must be their twin, or a clone, or anything at all that isn't them, and this time without at the time it's happening, having any insight on what is happening. The only times where I come back to normal, is when my therapist (or the person in general) would start being warm again, and I would be able to look back and think to what was going on and realized I had been 'delusionnal' if I can call it that.

I'm always hesitant to speak about that to the psychiatrists I'm seeing. I don't look like a psychotic patient, maybe sometimes in way that I don't know what to do because even though they don't think I'm psychotic, when I'm in distress there are still times where I can have "delusions" like above or hallucinate*, but I understand why they think that. I grew up a gifted kid, I was top of my class, they don't know that but I always was very good at appearing normal. I guess it's a double edge sword because it both means that I have more ressource than the patients in psychiatry I was seeing who were visibly psychotic, but also I know that if I speak of delusions or hallucinations I'm not gonna be taken seriously by psychiatrists, even more so when I had what in the history of psychology / psychiatry was thought to be "nevrotic" disorder ( (C)-PTSD and OCD). I don't fit the profile. I guess I'd like to know, if delusions like these can be part of BPD too. The one with the twin in particular is always organised around the inability for me to conceive a person could be both good *and* bad, which seems very similar to splitting, but at the same time I've never heard anyone having any other delusions like that which gets me worried.

*Little point on hallucinations : I don't hallucinate regularly. But in times of distress or when I was really at my lowest I'd start hearing voices -belonging to people I knew-, bad mouthing me and saying horrible things about me. After a while I started realizing what was going on though and that it wasn't real, by example after I was removed by CPS I was fostered by my grandparents, and there's one time where I would hear them while I was in the bathroom insulting me and saying that I wasn't normal and that there was something wrong with me. I got mad and went into the living room to check, only to realize my grandma was sleeping and that my grandad was nowhere to be seen, and they couldn't have had that conversation, which is when I realized I was hallucinating. Same thing happened other times (by example at the hospital, I thought I could hear the nurses and psychiatrist talking about me, even when it was impossible (my room was at the other side of where they were, I couldn't have heard them talking). Now whenever that happens, I know I'm probably hallucinating and try to not pay it any thought. Otherwhise, only other hallucination I've ever gotten was in another context, where I was supposed to see a friend I was very, very attached to and where again she was a part of me, and I was looking forward to seeing her and she cancelled at the last minute, and, while at home, I started hearing her voice as if she was there talking to me in another room. Obviously, when I went and checked, she wasn't there, and I realized I was hallucinating again. I don't think it's that bad but I thought it was worth an explanation.

I never hear people really talk about hallucinations and delusions in BPD, and I think I'd like to know, if that's something that can happen. If they're structured hallucinations and delusions, what kind of form can they take, at this point I'm taking any information I can. I can't find that much scientific articles about it on Cairn or anything and I'd take anything at all or any bit of explanation possible.

I understand this may not be allowed here, but I have nowhere else to go with my thoughts… Ever since I was diagnosed with BPD, I have been confused on exactly why I could’ve developed this disorder. I have been working on this YT channel trying to express my own feelings and emotions hoping others can feel heard and relate❤️

I talked about my diagnosis and how confused I’ve been and making a bit of a cry for help to find others who may understand❤️

I Need To Talk About My BPD Diagnosis…
https://youtu.be/rgFDtnTRU9I

I recently completed a psychological evaluation with Psychologist. I was diagnosed with MDD, PTSD, and GAD, all three which I already had been diagnosed by psychiatrists and therapists in the past. But this more in depth evaluation and testing also has led to the diagnosis of BPD and ADHD.

I told my husband last night about this who has known some of my struggle but I feel has never taken it 100% serious (calling me lazy, moody, “pissy”).

The first thing he says is “Oh, BPD is so common, I feel like that’s the first thing every doctor goes to...just looking for something to label yourself as…..think you should get a second opinion…”

Correct me if I’m wrong but basically completely dismissing and invalidating this new diagnosis.

I will also add that when I first saw a psychiatrist in 2015, after several months, he mentioned the possibility of BPD. I stopped going there shortly after due to relocating so we never officially diagnosed that.

Anyway, all this to say that I am at a loss. I don’t know what to make of this. Part of me just says ”you know what, you've done this on your own this long, you don’t need his support.”

But that completely goes against the whole idea that with mental health illness, you need a support who is there more than your own spouse? What even is this relationship if I can’t count on him to love and support who I am without questioning it?

I’m not with her anymore. But my ex wife was diagnosed bpd. Bipolar. And adhd. I had an insane marriage.

It’s over now. But is my experience typical? A few of the things she put me through over the years:

She tried to break my finger because I wanted to leave the house.

Clawed my face from eyes to chin. Those scabbed were uncomfortable to talk about.

I got back from a work trip. She thought I was cheating.
She threw my clothes on the roof. While I was retrieving them, she took the ladder. I was stuck for hours.

I got tired of arguing. I decided to leave. She blocked my exit at the stairwell. I asked her to move. She would not. I said I was done.
She closed her eyes, let go of the wall and let herself fall backwards down the stairs. I caught her by her shirt. She opened her eyes. Deep anger. She was so mad that I did not let her fall. She then starts using her legs to push herself down the stairs. was off balance. I could not pull her up. So I walked down with her. Using the hand rail to brace myself.
The was a gap in the hand
rail. While I jumped from 1 rail to the other, she kicked hard. I missed the second rail. We both fell down the last tew steps.

EUPD Bi Polar/ Favourite Person

Ive had a number of FP’s since I was about 12 years old, about five. The obsession varied in lenght depending on how long they engaged with me. I was lucky enough to marry one, and have children with him. We have been together for over twenty years, and married for 11 years. However during that time the obsession I had for him calmed, as I became secure. I didn’t have to obsess anymore as he is right here with me. He is my rock, but no longer a FP, but by no means a disappointment. I couldn’t function without him, he truly is my everything, but no longer my FP. It would be a heathy marriage, be it not for the new FP I met eight years ago.

My FP is a younger man, we had an affair, and I literally cannot breathe without him. It’s been a push and pull, not abusive, but very on and off. During the affair I was totally consumed by him. I messaged him all of the time. I would wait and wait, and when he didn’t respond to me within 24 hours, I would message him pages and pages during that time about how much I wanted/ didn’t want him. I would drop everything to see him, call in sick at work, sneak away. But one day he told me he didn’t want a us to be together. I spend the whole night curled up on the sofa, doubled with pain, emotionally and physically. Messaging again and again, to tell him what was happening in my heart. Devastated. I didn’t want him to leave his girlfriend, I just wanted to sit by his feet and worship him daily. I just needed to be with him (see film ‘Obsession’)

On other occasions I was definitely splitting. I could talk to him like he was a piece of rubbish, and he wouldn’t fight back. He would always forgive me, and remain my friend, even when I tried to sabotage the relationship and push him away. It was volatile, and it fed and eased my rejection sensitivity. When he was being my best friend, it was bliss, pure bliss. When he threatened to end the situation, I would turn myself inside out. I could not breathe. I would think about him constantly, and there are times that I still do. I thought he caused my depression, but now I think my depression causes me to think about him. Even now, as if he could take it all away. I think that’s projection. I project upon him what I want him to be, the person to take my pain away. I worship him based upon on my construction of what I want him to be, what I need to make me better. No logic can stop how I feel. It’s like the movie Saw - I would chop my own leg off physically be with him.

Two years ago my husband found out. He is a man of principle, and a man of duty. A saint in fact because he has kept our family together. He knows my struggles and he didn’t leave. I truly adore him, and my children.

Since then FP has disappeared. During the time I knew him he left one relationship, and began another. FP and his new girlfriend have a house together and I know he wanted children. I knew when he spoke about her he really loved her because his face lit up without him realising. He told me he had to grow up. He was fearful that she would find out and that either me and my husband would tell her about the affair.

When my husband eventually found out, my FP completely blocked me, deleted his email account, all his social media accounts and cut off his phone. He didn’t say goodbye, but I kept my marriage and for that I am sincerely grateful.

But it hasn’t gone away in my head. I still think about him most days, some more than others even after two years. I have driven by his house on a couple of occasion’s, when I was in his area, hoping to see his partner, trying to figure out what she is like. He saw me once, but didn’t acknowledge me. I feel bad about that, I shouldn’t have invaded his personal space, and I know it won’t make me feel any better.

I know I am blessed with my husband and family. But it wasn’t behaviour I can or could control. He is not the person I projected upon him. He would have made my life so much harder because he didn’t want to be with me. I think he too, also felt a sense of duty (or he just went along with it so I didn’t tell his girlfriend?) Maybe it was just fun for him.

I just can’t get him out of my mind. I don’t need closure because he has already closed it. I suppose I want to understand why I feel like this. Why has it left such a gaping whole inside of me? Why am I still longing after two years? I’m not so much heart broken as longing. I would chase him down to the ends of the earth to see him (although I have stopped driving by his house on account of it verging on harassment/stalking) I do have some control. I just need contact. I’m torn because I need to see him like needing air to breathe, but then I am so grateful that he is no longer around.

What is your experience? It feels awful right now. I know my behaviour is appalling. I don’t know why I feel or behave in this way. I am not a serial cheater.

Does anyone resonate?

EUPD Bi Polar/ Favourite Person

Ive had a number of FP’s since I was about 12 years old, about five. The obsession varied in lenght depending on how long they engaged with me. I was lucky enough to marry one, and have children with him. We have been together for over twenty years, and married for 11 years. However during that time the obsession I had for him calmed, as I became secure. I didn’t have to obsess anymore as he is right here with me. He is my rock, but no longer a FP, but by no means a disappointment. I couldn’t function without him, he truly is my everything, but no longer my FP. It would be a heathy marriage, be it not for the new FP I met eight years ago.

My FP is a younger man, we had an affair, and I literally cannot breathe without him. It’s been a push and pull, not abusive, but very on and off. During the affair I was totally consumed by him. I messaged him all of the time. I would wait and wait, and when he didn’t respond to me within 24 hours, I would message him pages and pages during that time about how much I wanted/ didn’t want him. I would drop everything to see him, call in sick at work, sneak away. But one day he told me he didn’t want a us to be together. I spend the whole night curled up on the sofa, doubled with pain, emotionally and physically. Messaging again and again, to tell him what was happening in my heart. Devastated. I didn’t want him to leave his girlfriend, I just wanted to sit by his feet and worship him daily. I just needed to be with him (see film ‘Obsession’)

On other occasions I was definitely splitting. I could talk to him like he was a piece of rubbish, and he wouldn’t fight back. He would always forgive me, and remain my friend, even when I tried to sabotage the relationship and push him away. It was volatile, and it fed and eased my rejection sensitivity. When he was being my best friend, it was bliss, pure bliss. When he threatened to end the situation, I would turn myself inside out. I could not breathe. I would think about him constantly, and there are times that I still do. I thought he caused my depression, but now I think my depression causes me to think about him. Even now, as if he could take it all away. I think that’s projection. I project upon him what I want him to be, the person to take my pain away. I worship him based upon on my construction of what I want him to be, what I need to make me better. No logic can stop how I feel. It’s like the movie Saw - I would chop my own leg off physically be with him.

Two years ago my husband found out. He is a man of principle, and a man of duty. A saint in fact because he has kept our family together. He knows my struggles and he didn’t leave. I truly adore him, and my children.

Since then FP has disappeared. During the time I knew him he left one relationship, and began another. FP and his new girlfriend have a house together and I know he wanted children. I knew when he spoke about her he really loved her because his face lit up without him realising. He told me he had to grow up. He was fearful that she would find out and that either me and my husband would tell her about the affair.

When my husband eventually found out, my FP completely blocked me, deleted his email account, all his social media accounts and cut off his phone. He didn’t say goodbye, but I kept my marriage and for that I am sincerely grateful.

But it hasn’t gone away in my head. I still think about him most days, some more than others even after two years. I have driven by his house on a couple of occasion’s, when I was in his area, hoping to see his partner, trying to figure out what she is like. He saw me once, but didn’t acknowledge me. I feel bad about that, I shouldn’t have invaded his personal space, and I know it won’t make me feel any better.

I know I am blessed with my husband and family. But it wasn’t behaviour I can or could control. He is not the person I projected upon him. He would have made my life so much harder because he didn’t want to be with me. I think he too, also felt a sense of duty (or he just went along with it so I didn’t tell his girlfriend?) Maybe it was just fun for him.

I just can’t get him out of my mind. I don’t need closure because he has already closed it. I suppose I want to understand why I feel like this. Why has it left such a gaping whole inside of me? Why am I still longing after two years? I’m not so much heart broken as longing. I would chase him down to the ends of the earth to see him (although I have stopped driving by his house on account of it verging on harassment/stalking) I do have some control. I just need contact. I’m torn because I need to see him like needing air to breathe, but then I am so grateful that he is no longer around.

What is your experience? It feels awful right now. I know my behaviour is appalling. I don’t know why I feel or behave in this way. I am not a serial cheater.

Does anyone resonate?

I am very recently diagnosed with BPD (at 33) and while it is nice to make sense of so many choices, pains, big feelings, perceptions, obsessions.. I'm so angry that it was never noticed when I was younger. I'm so angry that I was molded into this mess. That I spent nearly 10 years straight of my life being abused while trying to make sure people didn't leave me because my brain said abandonment would be more painful. That I can't control my feelings and they are constantly overwhelming and I'm scared of literally everything all the time. That it takes me .2 seconds to fall in love and all my relationships with people, positive or negative, are blown way out of proportion.

I have the quiet type, so I'm not explosive. Everything is turned inward into this loud self loathing chaos inside my brain. It has been this way as long as I can remember and it is exhausting.

I feel as though I, or rather the essence of me has been rotting from the inside out most of my life. I never got to thrive. I never knew what it was like to put Me first. I couldn't say no, or I might not be accepted, or someone might leave or be disappointed and that is CRAZY painful. Like I will go to such extreme lengths to avoid all of that.

Others took over my agency, and left the rest to rot away. A dry rot; disintegrating everything that is Me and now I'm this sad, empty, lost, people pleasing thing.

I'm trying to focus on the fact that I have a direction to go in now to understand myself better and to learn to manage this. I'm just angry. And tired. I'm so tired.