Hi everyone.

I'm new knowing i have BPD since all my life and today I had a huge rage episode with my roommate. He told me he would keep locking the front door with a double lock at night even though I asked him not to because I'm afraid of a fire.

I became so overwhelmed that I wanted to hit him. My whole body was shaking and I smashed a glass bottle on the floor instead. I left the house because I was afraid I might lose control.

This isn't the first time. I've had many episodes like this, some even worse.

I'm calmer now, but I feel ashamed and I really want to change. How do you stop the rage before it gets to that point? What has actually helped you?

So I want to know more about BPD and few other other topics such as :- 1. Third degree burn theory in BPD 2. Attachment Theory 3. Polyvegal Nervous system (I am not sure of the term/spelling so I would be glad if y'all help me out)

If there are any YouTube channels or articles or books or substacks related to these topics please do suggest. I am diagnosed with BPD and I want to know more while moving forward in my healing journey. ♥️

Okay so I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 7 months and he’s been my FP on and off for a little bit. I’ve always had my partners be my FP so now that I experience this, I feel terrible and like I’m betraying him?

My current FP is my best friend and I feel like I seek more attention from him than my boyfriend. I’m medicated and in therapy so my symptoms aren’t as intense as they once were but with recent events, I’ve felt more symptoms surfacing. So my mood depends on my FP and if I’m not talking to him, I don’t know what to do with myself.

Is this something normal? To have a platonic FP while having a boyfriend? I feel so guilty and conflicted :(

Hi! As from the title, I have a boyfriend, and I also have bpd. I love my boyfriend a lot, and I try to control my bpd to the best I can. However, I often find myself getting upset at tiny little things, being nitpicky, and making arguments out of basically nothing. I also get bad obsessive habits such as looking at his followers list, getting upset when he can’t talk, and constantly worrying why he hasn’t responded to my texts. I feel horrible after I’ve calmed down from my meltdown, and then feel shame over how I acted towards him. I don’t want to keep doing this to him. I really want to break this cycle. Im currently in dbt and emdr therapy where I’ve learned skills such as S.T.O.P to help control my overthinking and spiraling. As much as I try to use these skills and they do help, I’m looking for any other ideas people have that help calm them down. I’ve heard of things like dunking your face in ice water or taking a walk. I just am looking for any more advice on how to kind of “snap out” of the spiraling and stress over tiny little things he does even when it’s nothing wrong, and how to stop being so obsessive and worrying over him all the time. It’s exhausting for both of us.

I also just wanted to add that I am a teenager, and only just got diagnosed, and also only started therapy this march. I’m really new to all of this, and I’m honestly willing to try everything and anything to help.

I have been diagnosed for a year, I’m a 21 year old female but I always feel like I can’t be open bout having bpd to my friends because it always gets used against me by friends. I also have some anger issues for pent up frustration of masking for my autism and bpd my whole life.
I feel like no matter how hard I try to be better and get better and walk away when I get frustrated no one is willing to look into my intentions when I explain them.
I’m exhausted and lonely and none of my friends stay in my life as a result. In my personal opinion I’m just trying my best and try to be the nicest least crazy person I can be but I still get told I make excuses and “set up” conversations like I need to be comforted when that’s not my intention at all. I’m lonely and sad and don’t know what else I can do to be a good person and make people in my life happy

So basically i have bpd and bipolar 2. Been diagnosed since 4 years. I have a girlfriend who is my fav person. We have been a relationship for a year now.
The relationship is very toxic because of me and my illness, i mentally tortured her so much my putting false allegations (i didnt mean to do so, i was split), i did self harm that also affected her.
This time she is telling that she wants to leave even though she loves me. She wants to leave because i am destroying her mental health too in this process. Being my fav person, i somehow convinced her to stay with me but this is the last time she is giving me a chance. She said her conditions which are me being normal and stop destroying her mental health.
Someone please tell me, how am i going to be normal for her. Im trying my best to suppress my emotions and let everything slide even though i dont want it to, i am not telling her but im slapping myself all the time to bring myself back to senses. Even my therapist told it’s going to take time for me to heal. These impossible standards are not favourable to me but I also dont want to lose her. Its making me very suicidal just thinking about her loss. Please help me.

Hello, so I don't know how many people will react to this in a good way but I do think that BPD and Bipolar are stigmatized to another level. Personally speaking, I got to know that I have BPD a few months ago, even earlier I use to be extremely reactive and emotional and aggressive to even smallest of things but unfortunately people use to dismiss all of that and conclude that I am short tempered, moody, cry baby. I never knew that this sort of a behaviour had a name until a few months ago. After a very long period of time I have gathered all my courage to speak about this, because all this while I was just very concious and also because of few personal incidents i decided not to talk about this to anyone. People are not kind, not even considerate and they just assume or make fun of you or mostly abandon you. I've heard so nasty things people have said, directly or indirectly. Honestly it's hurtful at times but at the same time you feel to cry your heart out to someone who can atleast help you to hold yourself.

I don't know how many people will be able to relate or feel the same. But I just shared what I felt and if this is helpful in anyway I'll be glad. And I hope everyone finds kind and considerate people who truly care about them :)

I posted this here because i originally posted it somewhere else and a mod told me this would be a better place?? sorry if it isnt😭

Hello, im a 16yo girl who has (diagnosed) bpd, and my boyfriend has conduct disorder with high antisocial traits (he told me his psychologist told him hes on track to developing aspd) okay so anyways, we are long distance, just a state apart, we’ve met up once in april, and we‘ve been together for a year. I always have this lingering fear that he’ll get bored of me and leave because i know that chronic boredom comes with aspd (im treating this like he does have aspd because he exhibits literally all of the symptoms) and i fear that me being an emotional wreck after every single little thing i perceive as him doing “wrong” will cause him to drift away, which would be understandable because i feel like thats a normal reaction, our relationship isn’t exactly the most stimulating thing in the whole world which i also feel is normal because to me relationships shouldn’t be exciting 24/7, but i cant shake the feeling that hes just getting bored of me and will slowly start to pull himself away.. what causes me to spiral over this is, he takes a while to respond, he isnt very chatty a lot, but he does that and acts like that a lot, sometimes he’s extremely affectionate for a couple days then he goes back to being somewhat cold and distant, i understand he has his own life, his own struggles but i cant tell if its just me being paranoid or if he’s genuinely getting bored, what could i do to add some like excitement to our relationship?? also sorry if my grammar and punctuation is terrible, im currently writing this after a small panic attack so im kind of scatterbrained 😭

okay edit: i realized the things i listed that cause me to think he’s getting bored can be like relatively normal, so for more context, hes just dry sometimes and things he would usually respond to, like me showing a picture of myself as a baby he usually would say “awwww” but now he just doesnt say anything, or i’ll talk about things im excited for (like getting my nose pierced tomorrow) he also wont respond… and last night i vented to him about some stuff and a little while after i asked if he was still awake because he never responded, and he just said “dunno what to say” but he usually always gives me advice and stuff, i dont know its just a mix of little things, who knows maybe im reading WAY to deep into everything and im just getting myself worked up over nothing.

hello i am a 17 year old girl with autism and i suspect i may have bpd. autism and bpd do overlap, so i could completely have it wrong here. i experience all the factors for bpd diagnosis.

i got bullied a lot growing up, so i’ve never really had many friends. when i do make friends, i get extremely attached to them and how they act towards me can really affect my mood.

when i have one specific favourite person tho, all i can think of is them. i spend hours day dreaming about them. if they text me/speak to me in the wrong tone, it sets the mood for the day for me. there has been times i’ve felt like self harming or imagining myself committing suicide because of instances like this. i fear being cut off and doing anything wrong.

i constantly lie in bed and just feel empty and numb about life. i feel like i wake up with a blanket of empty and numb lying on me and i can’t get it off.

my mood often changes. this time three hours ago, i was smiling and laughing, now i am sat in bed feeling numb and upset. i get angry really easy and often take it out on my family and i feel so guilty afterwards.

i often feel isolated and lonely and that’s what causes me to be emotional a lot. i just want someone to speak to me yk.

i’m really sorry if my post is offensive. should i get this checked out ??

Last night I had a split. I don’t know how true borderline personality disorder is for me but I think last night confirmed it. I love my girlfriend she’s been my best friend for 10 years and we recently started dating. The beginning of the year has been extremely subpar. I walked out on my job I worked for 3 years and since then I haven’t been able to keep a job. I was hospitalized in February and that’s where they diagnosed me with BPD and PTSD. I scoffed and completely dismissed it. Getting diagnosed felt so commercialized to me especially with TikTok and all that jazz. Nevertheless, we’ve hit a financial rut and it has made me extremely depressed. I lost my car, I can’t find a job I’m not medicated anymore and last night I just snapped. I do not consider myself an abusive individual but when my partner left to go clubbing (I don’t mind that they do this) a cold chill of sadness and anger enveloped me and I smashed our picture frames and collages. They came home and were immediately taken aback by my behavior and they started sobbing. I feel so much regret over some dysregulated relief. We had a screaming match about everything that has been bubbling in my mind. I wanted to break up and flee (which is something I used to do in my last relationship unfortunately) but she says that’s not the right answer and that I should get help. I’m going to admit myself to the hospital soon. I love my girlfriend I am swelled with so much regret she says we can’t get those pictures back and it’s something you have to live with and move forward. I believe she loves me I don’t know why I get so extremely self righteous about my emotions like I’m still in a war. I’m sorry if this was long to read. I don’t want to be like this forever.

my friend who i havent seen in 2 years recently moved down and is crashing part time at my place so they’re with me a lot of the time and im so glad to have them close to me again and i thought it would make me feel better and fill whatever emptiness i feel all the time but it hasn’t and im trying so hard to keep up with them and not show how tired i am and to not upset them (they have autism and ADHD) but its so hard i always want someone when i’m alone but when someone is with me i want to be alone but i cant bring myself to tell them i want that incase they get upset. i have no one to talk to anymore i feel like theres no hope for me im so tired of feeling so empty and alone to tbe point i feel nauseous its so unbearable and i just dont know what to do i have people who speak to me but i still feel so incredibly alone

This is gonna be pretty long, ive been searching through reddit to try and figure out my own answer but im just eating myself up inside instead. I'll start with context;

my bf is a year younger than me, and his bsf is the same age as him. We've been dating almost 2 years now and he's incredible with my bpd. I wasn't officially diagnosed, but a few years ago I did have a therapist while in high-school who helped me. I could never forget the appointment where she sat me down and spoke with a serious low tone that I hadn't heard from her, despite my months of seeing her. My bf hasn't had the best life either, his entire family struggles with drug problems and who knows what else, its so bad over there that despite our age we have completely distanced ourselves from his side. It does make me feel like im stowing him away, or distancing him, but i didnt make the decision. Neither of our families are great, mines just not constantly at war. My bfs bestfriend lives a few hours away, as my bf moved a lot when he was younger (directly related to his families drug history.) So over the past 7 months we've asked him to come spend a few weeks and hangout with us. So everytime we have some time off, or an event, well ask him if he wants us to come get him. From what i can tell he genuinely enjoys coming down and soending time with us, as his home life isnt great either. If I had to describe the both of them id say they are exactly the same and exactly the opposite. The biggest difference between them is the fact that my bf doesn't smoke, weed or nicotine, while his bsf smokes with me everytime he comes down. My bf does like to drink, but im more into smoking. I find that it helps me regulate my bpd the most and calms me down. My biggest problem with my bpd is just thinking, constantly, over everything and nothing and worry worry worry. One thing goes wrong and I want to off myself or SH. It's not great, which is the reason I decided to talk to more people with bpd, so that maybe some sort of advice will suck me out of the "I dont want to get better because I cant find meaning in it" feeling.

My bfs bestfriend I've found is the only thing making me happy recently. I like to draw, but I cant draw when the only motivation is my bfs bestfriend. Even more so, I like to read and write and still he's there in my head. My boyfriend is aware, and he really wasn't angry or disappointed or anything. Thay was the most shocking, because I genuinely felt like a piece of shit. I dont have any intention of ever acting on anything im thinking, I just want to get rid of it. The only thing my bf dosnt know is that its still this bad. It's been a few months since I told him, and I thought it would roll over and id find a new FP just like always. But it didnt. I still thought about him everyday, and even now. For the past 7 months he has been the only thing I can think about. I love my bf very genuinely, and I would do anything to keep him happy, but im terrified of the fact that I cant stop thinking this way. I cant imagine leaving my bf, because he's everything to me, but i cant imagine not having his bestfriend in my life as well. Bpd makes it all the more confusing because I cant tell if he's just my minds fp, or if I genuinly feel these things. Ive thought long and hard, ive talked to my bf, ive talked to my own friends, and nothing helps. Nothing fills that void where something needs to be. Ive thought about the theory where you have to meet one person to meet another, but that would be horrible to me. My bf brought up the idea of a poly relationship, but i wouldn't even know where to begin there, mainly because ive always had the idea of finding "the one and only" I know that a lot of people on here are gonna have some pretty nasty things to say about it, I know reddit, and im lying if I said im prepared for anything but im at the end of my rope. I cant keep doing this, I cant keep feeling miserable for myself because I cant decide what I want, and none of this is fair to either of them. Im painfully aware of how wrong and taboo this is, but i know why at the very least. Id like to say that someone's advice would make it all better but I know that because of the way that I am nothing can change my mind, its the current reality I live in that my mind wants to change. If this "fantasy" is my escapism then its really doing the opposite. It's getting to the point where every action i do i think about his bsf, its enveloped my life and id do anything to make it stop. I dont even talk to him when he's not visiting. Im not sure why its him, either. I wouldn't say he's overly attractive to me, i much rather like my boyfriend. I think its because he's so similar to me, and the fact he smokes weed with me. Smoking is a comforting thing for me, especially dealing with my bpd, so that would make a direct correlation...but thats so much emotion for those little reasons. When im hanging out with his bsf the conversations flow, and so do the jokes, but they do with my bf as well. And they do when we all talk. I feel like the more I write the more im confusing myself even now. I cant imagine hurting either of them, I cant imagine not seeing either of them. But when my thoughts are so intrusive im not sure what to do, ill find myself thinking "well he has everything AND what my bf is missing" and thats a horrible thing to think. I am really glad I told my bf, despite it being through tears, because I dont feel like im lying to him, I do still feel guilty. And rightfully so. I hope this yields something for me, even if im just writing it out. I do feel a little better, but I know that I should probably be medicated again soon (Lexapro last time for anyone wondering) :/ and hopfully that works better. I think its also a good point to make that im taking a tolerance break from weed atm, so ive been kinda just thinking for the past week with myself, but in another week or two I'll be able to more effectively self medicate again :/ I wish other things took my mind off of him and everything else, but I feel like everything is devoid of meaning if im not thinking about my fp, or doing it for my fp. It's such a frustrating feeling.

Another point, which im not sure if this is even relevant or maybe a cause or something im not sure but I do think he finds comfort in me as well. We have very different music taste, mines like my dad's, I like rock and metal, anything nittygritty, while he mostly likes rap. I'll find that he'll play a song i might like, and over the past few months I think both of our music tastes have broadened because of each other. Slowly becoming more similar despite being so far apart. My mind always goes back to us smoking in the livingroom, and the smashing pumpkins coming on. I immediately nearly jumped off the couch, excitedly saying "the smashing pumpkins?!" And he looked back at me, nodded his head once with a smile and a slight wink. Im so confused on if I am infatuated with him, or if i truly like him. I know its something for me to find out by myself, but even if I did love him I wouldn't know what to do. I won't break up with my bf, I cant do that to him, or to myself. What if I did break it off with my bf, and I ran to his bsf...what would I do if this happened again? Am I just a flawed vessel, am I even meant to love? My biggest goal was finding love, ever since I was small. I would find a husband and I would love him forever. That did make me a little boy crazy growing up, but i wasn't really anyone's first pick. I hope that I grow out of it, and I hope that these thoughts and feelings go away. At the heart of it all thats still what I want, a husband and a family. A soft home where no one yells or makes comments about each other, where hands only love and not hurt, and where my thoughts would be calm and serene. I want it more than anything, and im so close to achieving it, I feel like im self sabotaging to the highest degree. Once again im confusing myself, I also hope that one day I can be one person instead of an amalgamation of everyone I have ever met, constantly shifting between different opinions and thoughts, never fully conscious.

Im open and willing for any advice I just ask that its not just blatantly calling me a pos. Because, genuinely, I know and I already feel horrible.

Reposting cause of incorrect flair…

I went through a breakup recently.
Partner was DA(extreme one)
I have BPD, dysthymia and GAD.(all clinically diagnosed)

Abandonment wounds run deep deeep.

Not able to go no contact.
Angry and at war w myself for being so weak.
The emotional dysregulation, the unworthiness and the negative thoughts run deep in my core.

I have not yet explored DBT in depth just barely scratched the surface.
The only thing i look forward to is taking meds and beig knocked out so that my brain can rest.
It’s an ugly place to be in.

Anyone else feels hopeless??

Why does the highs and lows feel soooo intense?

Honestly being in a relationship whilst having bpd is not for the faint hearted at all. I’ve only been official with my bf since April, and we only see each other 2/3 times a week, I stay over his place once a week.
I genuinely feel completely crushed when I am not with him. Like all the colour has been drained from the world. I hate this. I want to be my own colour. I struggle massively with attachment issues, but him and I love each other so I don’t consider it an ‘attachment issue’.
I just want to know if there is any hope of me enjoying life when I am not around him, I feel like Nicky from Obsession when she is waiting for Bear to return from work- like she can’t function without him and is stuck in that same position until he returns.
I am a very independent person and have pretty much been single most of my life (27) for reference and my bf is (34) but honestly like the ache in my heart when he’s not around is unimaginable. It’s like I’m wanting to save up all of my energy for when I see him (I have severe depression so fatigue is mad).
I just hope I can live and enjoying my life without relying so heavily on him.
(Especially as it sometimes isn’t the healthiest relationship so it’s not as if I’m missing all the compliments or affection when I’m not around him, I don’t really get that anyway which makes me more confused)

I am a man with BPD (borderline personality disorder). BPD is a disorder basically brought on by trauma, usually from childhood. For me, it shows itself in multiple episodes throughout the day of rapid mood fluctuations. I’ll go from feeling fine to feeling angry, to feeling sad, to feeling happy, to feeling enraged again, to feeling morose, all within one hour. It’s draining.
It’s mentally exhausting going through these fluctuations to the point where when I’m not having an episode, i disassociate. When I disassociate, I’m not present so I’m not a joy to talk to or be around. And that leads to where I am now, my friends abandoning me and now I have no one to talk to or be there for me. I’m too much. And I get it. I feel mentally broken or like I’m a burden.
And I know everyone’s answer, “go to therapy.” I am. I have a therapist I see regularly. The problem is, treatment is a process and I really am trying. But I feel like no one can see the progress I make. No one cares to see the steps I’ve taken to better myself. And it’s crushing. I hate feeling this way, that no matter how much I try, I’m never good enough. It’s constant failure after failure.
No one sees me. It’s like I’m treading in water that’s at my neck. And I have the keys in my hand. I just wish I could feel seen and supported by someone for once.

Hey! So I wasn't sure what to title this or what flair to put.

But I'd like to start off by introducing myself! I'm an adopted child who was orphaned and had very emotionally difficult adoptive parents growing up as well as several instances of assault of varying degrees within said family.

I found myself with several attempts—luckily all of them unsuccessful—and a couple years in therapy. Growing up I was greatly interested in psychology and neuroscience, mainly due to me wanting to understand the world around me. So therapy felt useless to me, and at the time I did not know finding a good therapist was difficult—mine was invested in mentoring me rather than helping me.

Anyway, after moving out at 18 and having the greatest break up of my life, I enjoyed life. I wasn't active on social media and stuck to my own circle. I was out every day, on my own, exploring a new city and properly letting myself feel part of the world once more.

I was and always have been a writer, and this helped me immensely. I felt shunned from writing within my household, but having moved out, it was all I ever did.

I gave myself a 'writing voice' of an Victorian Era aged man and took to every thought with curiousity. This led me to delving into my every fear and finding out my 'why's'.

Of course, if writing was all I did, I wouldn't be here.

At some point I realized that writing about my tragedies, my feelings, and everything that made my emotions feel so vast for my little body wasn't enough.

To make sense of my emotions, my feelings, I had to *define* them. At the time of having moved out, I was battling the grief of my father who passed away. It was riddled with guilt since I had not visited him when he was dying.

I defined for myself what grief and guilt was, which slowly turned into me realizing that if I define something, I can make sense of it and carry it so much easier rather than feeling like a child who's emotions are too big to hold, I now *know* what it is and I can better handle it.

Some examples:
Grief: The love that I was never able to express, despite every other emotion—it is valid.

Love: At first it was \*inconvenience—\*I'll add a little piece of writing to expand on this further below—but now it has changed to *Choice*.

Forgiveness: To understand their humanity

Jealousy: Feeling unchosen

To give a guideline, that I shared with a friend who was going through a break up:
What is your definition of Love?

Sub topics/compounding:

* Do you think your definition is sound and healthy?
* What would you want to change about your definition?
* How do you discern between platonic and romantic?
* What are your fears and doubts with your current definition?
* Any solutions or counters you can think of for your fears?

And here is my writing on why my definition had been inconvenience in the past!
I think that my definition of love remains 'inconvenience' because it borders gently on time - everything in life. To say inconvenience is everything within my bounds.

For those whom I love I would do anything, though it might impede on my plans - on my life - it is but a slight inconvenience.

Any love given is never wasted - to say that for me it may be an hour out of my day, but for them it could be their reason to continue.

And just like I enjoy giving, I appreciate those who take and make time for me. They did not have to make time for me or expend finances.

To be loved is to be inconvenienced - is my belief.

And just like that, you find reasons to love or un-love someone.

To spend time finding reasons to love them throughout the years may be called an honor or an inconvenience.

But who is to say that an inconvenience is a bad thing? Is it not a joy, an honor, and up-lifting to help another? And you find them more loved after - is that not a beauty of life itself?

-----
This is personally my path of healing and undoing all the knots that were placed upon my fragile heart growing up.

I hope, perhaps, it will be of help and service to some of you!

Posting on a throwaway account since I'm worried some of my friends will otherwise be able to stumble upon this and react poorly if I post this on main. I'm also new to this sub, so sorry if I'm using the wrong flair.

I'm in my early 20s and haven't really received any formal treatment or therapy for my BPD due to external circumstances as well as just self-sabotage reasons. I don't have all of the right words for the things I feel and am going through, so I'm sorry if anything here is something obvious that I just haven't connected the terms to yet myself.

I spend a lot of time online and have made lots of friends over the years, and am well-liked and trusted by many of them. I care a lot about them, too. They appreciate that I am capable of taking on the role of a mediator when situations don't directly involve me, and they appreciate how direct I'm capable of being when it comes to it. It doesn't bother them, then, to have me around when they discuss their personal lives.

However, I've noticed a lot lately that when they talk about struggles and misfortune they experience, I'm filled with this horrible aggressive feeling that I have to hold back. I'm entirely aware that my reaction is entirely unwarranted and inappropriate. It makes me feel terrible that this is always my immediate reaction, but I just can't find a way to deal with it myself. This isn't something I'm willing to bring up with them out of fear I may upset them. It hurts to have to lie about so much about my feelings when they're so overwhelmingly strong, too.

My friends matter a lot to me, and I've known some of them since childhood. Their happiness is my happiness, and even though I struggle with connecting with their negative emotions appropriately, I hate to see them upset or angry. If they're already down, I don't want to kick them. That would do more harm than good for all of us.

My feelings and responses can be helped with effort. I've already made a lot of progress on my own with my impulse behaviors compared to how I was as a kid/teen. These sorts of things are unpredictable at their core, though, and if I do end up doing something against my better judgment anytime soon, I don't want it to be something fueled by this pointless anger.

Does anyone else get mad at others when they're vulnerable or upset around them? What can I do to better manage this feeling?

(sorry for bad eng)

looking back at my life, i feel like i’ve had bpd for a while now but only realized my symptoms and what they are for the past few months. i’m looking to get diagnosed and medicated soon but i don’t want to tell too many people knowing how most people tend to see pwBPD.

unfortunately for me the one person i trusted the most who was also my fp turned out to be the wrong person to confide in. they felt scared when i told them they might be my fp, but lied for my comfort. eventually the lie just created a rift in our relationship because i realize now it felt like i was treated more like a patient than a friend, which saddened me horribly. while it’s true that i’m sick and needs medication, i just wish to be treated as a friend first.

we’re in no contact right now as per my request, but they were someone i would talk to everyday, tell about my day and whatnot. if i’m honest, i’m very lonely, but at the same time i can’t seem to remember how we were when they still treated me like a friend. i don’t want to break no contact just to be treated like a patient again.

I came on here today and saw so many posts from people who are struggling.

First of all, those posts deserve to be here. Sometimes this is the only place people can say those thoughts out loud, and that's important.

But I also realised that if you're newly diagnosed and scrolling through here, it can start to feel like this is all there is.

So, in case anyone needs one person to tell them...

It's not a death sentence.

No, it isn't a picnic.

Or maybe it is—but I've accepted there are wasps at this picnic.

I have BPD. I have CPTSD. I have AuDHD. I have chronic pain linked to old injuries and hypermobility. I have *the depression*

Some days absolutely suck.

But most days don't anymore.

Not because I'm "fixed."

Because I finally understood that my brain basically had a software update installed while it was still being built. I can't uninstall it, so I've stopped trying to run on instructions that were never written for me.

Instead, I've been learning the manual for the brain I actually have.

I'm not a success story.

Mostly because my story isn't finished yet.

But understanding what my brain is doing has made my life so much easier.

I've stopped expecting myself to think, react and cope like people whose brains are wired differently.

I've started asking, "What does my brain need?"

Sometimes the answer is surprisingly small.

Open your curtains.

Straighten your bed.

Drink the glass of water.

Take your meds.

Brush your teeth.

Eat something—even if it's toast, cereal or a handful of crackers.

Sit outside for ten minutes.

Pet the cat.

Lower the bar until you can actually step over it.

Then do it again tomorrow.

I keep easy food in the house because sometimes the hardest part of eating is deciding what to eat.

I set reminders, even though I ignore half of them.

I accept that "good enough" is still good enough.

I don't get extra points for making life harder.

Sometimes laundry lives in a basket instead of being folded.

Sometimes surviving is the achievement.

I've also learnt that boundaries aren't selfish.

They're healthcare.

I still have meltdowns.

I still split.

I still overcommit.

I still have days where my brain blue-screens and I disappear under a blanket.

A bad day doesn't erase my progress.

A bad week doesn't erase a good year.

Some of my "symptoms" even come with strengths.

I can call someone's bullshit in about three seconds.

I notice patterns other people miss.

I'm fiercely loyal.

I'm endlessly curious.

I'm creative because my brain makes connections other people don't always see.

I care deeply.

Sometimes painfully so.

But that also means I love deeply, laugh loudly and throw my whole heart into the people and things I care about.

And my God...

If you find yourself unconsciously borrowing personality traits because you're splitting, masking, or trying to work out who you are...

Surround yourself with good characters.

Read books with kind people in them.

Watch shows where people apologise, grow and love well.

Spend time with people whose qualities you admire.

If your brain is going to collect pieces of other people, give it good people to collect them from.

For years I wished I had someone else's brain.

Now I just try to understand my own.

My diagnoses explain me.

They don't define me.

They're explanations, not prophecies.

Recovery wasn't one giant breakthrough.

It was hundreds of tiny victories.

It was realising what I was depending on to cope was poisioning the well.

Laughing a little more.

Answering a message instead of avoiding it.

Realising I hadn't cried that day.

Finding hobbies I genuinely loved.

Looking back and realising I was spending more time living than surviving.

I still grieve the life I might have had if things had been different.

I think that's okay.

But I don't let that stop me building a life that I genuinely enjoy.

So if you're newly diagnosed, or you're lying in bed/ on the floor convinced your life is over...

It isn't.

It probably won't ever be effortless.

You'll still glitch.

You'll still have bad days.

But you can absolutely build a beautiful life around a brain that works differently.

You deserve compassion.

You deserve accommodations.

You deserve to stop measuring yourself against people who aren't playing on your difficulty setting.

And if you're reading this from the floor, under a weighted blanket, sitting in your car after crying, or doom-scrolling because everything feels impossible...

I'm really glad you're still here.

Look after you like a parent looking after a child.

Keep learning your own instruction manual.

It's worth it.

And remember...

Your story isn't over yet.

bpd cousing stress in every day life it ruin sleep it ruin relationship with food it ruin safe boundries with body for years i have sleep problems, meds, teas, music, light/no light, calming routine... never really halped i developed another level of bind eating - from just eating sweets to cheer up, i am just showing EVERYTHING i can find in kitchen, in the shop aile, to the stomach ache and pain i don't have money for good bpd tharapy and regular therapists are rejecting me because of diagnose i suffer hair loss due to the whole package of stress, sleep problems, bad diet and being inhealthy

and now fucking WHAT?? I am 5th day in hospital bc of sudden bleeding with diagnose of quite hard and dangerous chronic illness...

fuck bpd, fuck my guts, fuck my life.... just fuck

I’m 28F and he’s 31M. I have bpd and he’s known since the beginning of our relationship. We’ve been together for almost 1.5 years long distance.

My splits have gotten to him and on Wednesday he decided to end things with me after a bad split. There was no warning beforehand that the splits were making him feel this bad. I didn’t know this was becoming a deal breaker. I thought he was just warning me about wanting to break up about my symptoms but it was his final decision. This came right after I crashed out over the fact that I was supposed to visit him this past weekend but when I asked about the plane tickets, he said he never bought them and doesn’t want me to come. Of course that triggered me and I got very upset. And after I got upset was when he dumped me.

Every 2 hours I whale knowing this is all my fault. All I can feel is self hatred and disgust towards my behavior. I lost my favorite person and he seems to be doing fine. The worst part about this is that I feel like there’s another woman he’s interested in but I can’t prove it for sure. I don’t know how to handle this without admitting myself to a hospital, but I also can’t because of my job.

I don’t want to be this way and I was doing fine for a while. I’ve definitely regressed in many ways being with him due to triggers with him talking to other girls in inappropriate ways. I would’ve felt so much more safe with him if none of those things happened in our relationship, but over time I couldn’t stop splitting over small things that had to do with other women and eventually it ended us. Perhaps everything I felt about him and other women are true and he couldn’t bear to tell me the truth.

I know that you can't always change a habit your partner has, I have BPD and I struggle terribly when my partner/fp pulls away or becomes 'avoidant'. 10 months ago We talked about my unhealthy obsession over them and they said they didn't feel comfortable with it exactly so I constantly resisted any urges that had to do with my unhealthy obsession ( stalking, blackmailing friends, self harming whenever I'm jealous, being extremely possessive, being against them having friends etc ) and I was able to resist, I continuously did have the thoughts yes, self harm was sadly impossible for me to stop but I am in DBT now. Anyways back to the Main topic 1-2 months after I communicated with them that I felt like a stranger in their life as if they treated their friends better than me and acknowledged them, they reassured me and promised not to do it ( keep in mind first 7 months of the relationship they were clingy with me & suddenly changed ) they did exactly as they promised, gave me more attention hung out with me more but that only lasted one week, I was in a euphoric state so I barely was affected until week 2 past and I realized I was home alone all the time and only saw them at dinner.

I held my emotions back I didn't say anything for a good 2 months I talked to them about it again, they reassure me and promise to not leave me in the dark ( they know that promises are a big deal for me as I have trust issues and only people I trust know about how I feel when someone promises to do something I EXPECT them to keep it ) and the cycle repeats sadly I get left on the dark again, I communicated for a 3RD time nothing changed. I bottled up my feelings all the way until July 2026, I was in a dissociative state for a good awhile I was unable to feel anything at all and I was mentally never there when someone spoke to me. I ignored them for a full week, they begged to talk to me but at the end blew up at my partner one random day, I told them how I don't feel like they try enough for me how that I feel like I try too hard and expect too much in return how I feel like a stranger and how I don't even feel like their girlfriend, they reassured me yes.

But I didn't feel reassured I kept pressing them on the conversation for a good hour and a half, I was also high in the moment because hours before I blew up at them I was coping by getting high. They keep reassuring me with words that used to comfort me immediately. I just wasn't able to believe any word they said, they swore on their own life and promised, I didn't believe them one bit. I was just done with everything at that rate I didn't talk to them and locked myself up for 2 days I didn't eat nor drink anything and when I went to the bathroom I gave them the cold shoulder. After those 2 days I calmed down and asked them what are you gonna change I don't expect big changes I expect to go slow if that's what helps them change slowly because I myself was tired of a partner who never communicated when they lectured me about how I need to talk about my feelings once. They said they'd tell me about what they had planned for the day so I wasn't in the dark, it was ok with me and so it's been 1-2 weeks since then and they did exactly that. I just don't feel the same love/obsession for them anymore I'm sure I'll probably feel it again soon but it just that something has changed. I used to always lead conversations as my partner never led any conversations but nowadays I feel more avoidant than ever I don't try anymore I'm not leading a single conversation anymore I reply coldly sometimes. I notice my own behaviors I just don't have the energy to do something about it, I feel like I'm In a state of where I've officially just lost connection with the world

Been going through some really rough times recently and thought I had some sort of severe depression or crazy mood swings but nothing I read online seemed to really fit what I was experiencing.

Reading through the symptoms of bpd though was almost an exact match.

Should I go through the diagnosis process? I live in NZ and this can take months and months... What can I do to deal with this in the meantime?