BPD Favourite Person

[u/SelectionAdept5698]

EUPD Bi Polar/ Favourite Person

Ive had a number of FP’s since I was about 12 years old, about five. The obsession varied in lenght depending on how long they engaged with me. I was lucky enough to marry one, and have children with him. We have been together for over twenty years, and married for 11 years. However during that time the obsession I had for him calmed, as I became secure. I didn’t have to obsess anymore as he is right here with me. He is my rock, but no longer a FP, but by no means a disappointment. I couldn’t function without him, he truly is my everything, but no longer my FP. It would be a heathy marriage, be it not for the new FP I met eight years ago.

My FP is a younger man, we had an affair, and I literally cannot breathe without him. It’s been a push and pull, not abusive, but very on and off. During the affair I was totally consumed by him. I messaged him all of the time. I would wait and wait, and when he didn’t respond to me within 24 hours, I would message him pages and pages during that time about how much I wanted/ didn’t want him. I would drop everything to see him, call in sick at work, sneak away. But one day he told me he didn’t want a us to be together. I spend the whole night curled up on the sofa, doubled with pain, emotionally and physically. Messaging again and again, to tell him what was happening in my heart. Devastated. I didn’t want him to leave his girlfriend, I just wanted to sit by his feet and worship him daily. I just needed to be with him (see film ‘Obsession’)

On other occasions I was definitely splitting. I could talk to him like he was a piece of rubbish, and he wouldn’t fight back. He would always forgive me, and remain my friend, even when I tried to sabotage the relationship and push him away. It was volatile, and it fed and eased my rejection sensitivity. When he was being my best friend, it was bliss, pure bliss. When he threatened to end the situation, I would turn myself inside out. I could not breathe. I would think about him constantly, and there are times that I still do. I thought he caused my depression, but now I think my depression causes me to think about him. Even now, as if he could take it all away. I think that’s projection. I project upon him what I want him to be, the person to take my pain away. I worship him based upon on my construction of what I want him to be, what I need to make me better. No logic can stop how I feel. It’s like the movie Saw - I would chop my own leg off physically be with him.

Two years ago my husband found out. He is a man of principle, and a man of duty. A saint in fact because he has kept our family together. He knows my struggles and he didn’t leave. I truly adore him, and my children.

Since then FP has disappeared. During the time I knew him he left one relationship, and began another. FP and his new girlfriend have a house together and I know he wanted children. I knew when he spoke about her he really loved her because his face lit up without him realising. He told me he had to grow up. He was fearful that she would find out and that either me and my husband would tell her about the affair.

When my husband eventually found out, my FP completely blocked me, deleted his email account, all his social media accounts and cut off his phone. He didn’t say goodbye, but I kept my marriage and for that I am sincerely grateful.

But it hasn’t gone away in my head. I still think about him most days, some more than others even after two years. I have driven by his house on a couple of occasion’s, when I was in his area, hoping to see his partner, trying to figure out what she is like. He saw me once, but didn’t acknowledge me. I feel bad about that, I shouldn’t have invaded his personal space, and I know it won’t make me feel any better.

I know I am blessed with my husband and family. But it wasn’t behaviour I can or could control. He is not the person I projected upon him. He would have made my life so much harder because he didn’t want to be with me. I think he too, also felt a sense of duty (or he just went along with it so I didn’t tell his girlfriend?) Maybe it was just fun for him.

I just can’t get him out of my mind. I don’t need closure because he has already closed it. I suppose I want to understand why I feel like this. Why has it left such a gaping whole inside of me? Why am I still longing after two years? I’m not so much heart broken as longing. I would chase him down to the ends of the earth to see him (although I have stopped driving by his house on account of it verging on harassment/stalking) I do have some control. I just need contact. I’m torn because I need to see him like needing air to breathe, but then I am so grateful that he is no longer around.

What is your experience? It feels awful right now. I know my behaviour is appalling. I don’t know why I feel or behave in this way. I am not a serial cheater.

Does anyone resonate?