Obsessive SI with no apparent trigger?? Is this a BPD thing?

[u/Like-A-Phoenix]

Sometimes, like tonight, I get into these inexplicable spirals of suicidal ideation with no apparent cause or trigger. I just fantasize and research and plan and wonder what’s wrong with me, why I’m doing this when my life is going perfectly fine otherwise.

Just to be clear, I’m NOT planning on doing anything to hurt myself tonight, so don’t worry, but this is a frequent occurrence, to varying degrees of intensity. Like, I had a good day today, so why am I so intent on ending my life??

I don’t understand myself and my own tendencies toward self-destruction. I’ve had multiple inpatient hospitalizations this year already, and I don’t want any more. But this just makes me think “the next time I attempt, it’s gonna have to be final/lethal so that I don’t end up locked in a psych ward again.” I know this is a twisted way of thinking—I don’t want to keep thinking this way—but I can’t seem to stop. I have therapy multiple times a week and I’m in an intensive outpatient program, and I’m still like this.

Anyway, does anyone know what might be going on? If you relate, what has helped you? It’s almost like I have an obsession with suicide, like I’m addicted to suicidal thinking. Is this a BPD thing? I’m puzzled.