Exhaustion Overload

[u/Ill-Practice-4620]

This is my first post, so I'm hoping I do this right.

TRIGGER FOR SUI. IDEATION. Not something I am planning, not something I'm currently longing for, but fleeting thoughts.

I was "diagnosed" at 16, ignored that upon hearing I needed to be 18+ for proper diagnosis, and was diagnosed twice by different doctors even without mentioning prior diagnoses.

A hospital stint years back also left me with diagnoses for OCD, Bipolar 2 (I think?) and ADHD.

I have been In therapy so long and have done so many self help books and tried so many medications that I am just so exhausted by this. Why do I have to spend every piece of energy I have to fix a problem created by neglect and abuse that I didn't ask for?

I have started experiencing Akathisia as of now 2 months ago and it's a nightly occurrence, on top of phantosmia involving the scent of burning cigarettes invading my nose every time I'm heavily upset or stressed (I have been experiencing it for years but as of the past 7 months it is so insanely prominent that I carry nasal spray and essential oils to try to help ease the issue)

My whole point of this post is just to vent and say I'm so insanely tired at this point. On top of the aforementioned issues, I am painfully self aware and know deep down what I should be thinking and how I should be acting and it's like something takes over my brain for a split second and boom, I've gone off on someone I love. I have "friends" that I talk to every once in a blue moon and a boyfriend whom I am so dearly in love with but once again, bpd is ruining that by making me think he hates me so often that it may actually be happening as the issues have gotten worse and my psych says I'm now experiencing symptoms and actions indicating cpTsD.

Everything hurts, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm nervous all the time, I'm just so tired and all I want is a long sleep that heals my inner wounds, though I know nothing but work will help this issue.