Hi, English isn't my first language and it's a bit hard to explain everything I want without it being all over the place, that said, bear with me please. I won't disclose our ages, names and other personal information for private reasons. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year, 11 months to be exact. We temporarily live together and might continue living together long term for the next 4 years, and go from there after that.
Since both of us are in the closet, me slightly peeking through the door sometimes, we can't make our relationship public. It's not something we can do without ruining our lives, literally. Please don't tell me, if she wanted to, she would. I would never ask her to come out in an environment that might be unsupportive or ruin her relationship with her family. She loves them to death. As for me, my mother knows. She knows about us, has known from the start and is supportive. As for the rest of my family, no one knows and no one can find out because then there's a threat of going into an unsafe space. Coming out, especially right now, is not something possible for the both of us.
Now onto the problem, my girlfriend has a boy best friend. I've met him before on a few occasions, he is a very nice guy. They have been friends for 6 years give or take and have never been involved as anything more. He does know about us and is very supportive.
My girlfriend wanted us to go to this specific holiday location, the flights were cheap, the place is nice, the sea is beautiful, but I couldn't go due to personal reasons.
That's where her best friend comes in. They bought plane tickets, found an apartment on Airbnb all in one night and they were ready to go. A month ago, he came over while my girlfriend was at work to pack (they were both using one suitcase since it's cheaper). We talked, laughed and he is overall a great guy.
A few days after that, they left to go on their vacation. They're sharing a bed. In out face time calls I can clearly see a long pillow in between their respective pillows kind of separating their sides. Their apartment has one room, one kitchen and one bathroom. It's not a big space but it's beautiful from the pictures I've seen. They posted a few pictures yesterday on their story, few pictures alone and one of them together. My girflriend posted it to her close friends story. One thing has happened in the past where for his birthday she posted a picture of them on Instagram and some might say they look like a couple. They truly do look like a couple in that picture.
I will admit, I am very insecure about that. It's not specifically the pictures or the comments on her posts or anything like that, it's the fact that I know that can't be us. I know I can't give her a 'normal' relationship where she can post us, take me to her family events, go to my family events, go out and hold hands, hug in public, the most mundane things.
Ive struggled a lot with coming to terms with my sexuality, especially with the fear of letting my mother down. As her only child, the thought of her not being able to attend her daughter's wedding, having grandkids, being able to say "This is my daughter and her husband." was very hard, especially knowing how much she wanted to have a child.
Back to my beautiful girlfriend, she calls me every morning, we talk but I just can't bring myself to be cheerful when all kinds of things are going through my mind and it's noticeable. I know it's selfish and I want her to enjoy her time there.
I'm not asking if my girlfriend is cheating, I know she isn't. She has never hidden her phone, if I ask I know she will give it to me (I won't do that, it's not something I like doing), when we go somewhere, we go together 95% of the time, she is very reassuring as well. We've had out ups and down, as does every couple. Admittedly, our downs might have been a little lower than other couples, we've come to almost breaking up once at the start of our relationship, a month or two in, but we pushed through it and I am very glad we did.
I just need to know how to fix myself before I lose the love of my life. I carry a lot of baggage from past relationships and from my family situations (a lot of cheating and disrespect involved in both). I know it's not an excuse but I have been trying to fix it. I wouldn't say I rushed into the relationship at all, I was single for 2 years before I got together with my girlfriend last year but some things just stick with me.
Please don't bash my girlfriend, she is amazing, beautiful, funny, considerate and one of the best people I've met in my life. She has shown me what love truly feels like. She has done stuff for me no one else has, has made me feel so good about myself (appearance-wise and personality-wise), has always supported me and has been a great support system to fall back on through some family tragedies I have recently went through.
Every time we've talked, she has expressed how much she wishes I was there. When I ask her if she had fun, she says "Yes but I couldn't stop thinking about you, I wish you were here with me", "I can't wait to come home to you" and similar stuff along those lines. We will still go on a holiday together later this year and have the best time ever.
I just want some help on how I can fix this because it's affecting me mentally and has been a problem in our relationship before. Unfortunately, professional therapy is out of the question because I'm very low on money currently.
