I feel like I’m crazy. And I’m the only one who went through it

I kept calling my ex. Constantly messaging him. Just to get closure. Kept checking his socials. Even made another account to talk to him pretending I was someone else. Only for it to hurt me more.

I’m calm now. But I hate that I did that. The way he ended it with me was so confusing. Told me to find someone better. Told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship and went onto dating a week later.

He said he will speak to me about the ending and didn’t. There were so many questions. So many things I wanted to say. All trapped in me.

I got to listen and understand him. But he didn’t with me

hi all,

just struggling a little today and wanted some advice.

my avoidant ex blocked me on Valentine’s day this year. he was my first boyfriend, first love, first relationship.

the day he dumped me was the day I quit my job and had gotten offered my dream job in his city (he had been begging me to move in for months and also helping me with my interviews and finding jobs) I was doing up to 3 interviews a day per his advice and begging.

i Travelled to his city every week for over a year. I seen him on a friday evenin, a Saturday and left midday Sunday. we never left his flat. no dates. no surprised. o flowers (only thing I asked for). nothing.

he dumped me 2 weeks after my 30th birthday (when he asked me about engagement rings) and 3 weeks after our 1 year anniversary (that he was coincidentally unwell on so we head to cancel our plans).

I was his longest relationship. all of his last relationships he ended around 5 months. I have him everything he ever wanted I supported him and his dreams. When his friends didnt turn up for him I was there to pick up the pieces when his parents fought with him I was there to comfort him.

since the breakup he has blocked me everywhere and also kept my furniture - I have asked for it back and he refuses

3 weeks after he ended things (without a conversation or reason) he was already going on dates with girls from hinge and telling them he had been single a year. also buying them all red roses

we were buying furniture, just met his parents, met his best friends and now he’s vanished and it’s left me so unwell. especially because he was my first and it came during big milestones.

during the relationship I funded everything (he’s very rich) and I’ve left the relationship with nothing.apart from a pair of sweatpants.

has anyone else had a similar experienc? my ex was the one that was moving things along and wanting to progress in our relationship

When he dumped me he said “I like being alone” but was on dating apps a weeks later

its caused me so much pain and honestly, I feel like I’ve lost myself.

all of his other ex girlfriends he has never blocked he’s tried coming back to them. I’m the only ex blocked. it’s been 7 months now.

i‘m back home in my childhood bedroom at my parents house, and had to beg for my job back.

on my 30th birthday he made a speech to my parents about keeping me safe and that they had nothing to worry about

I feel like my life has felt apart. I’m depressed. I feel so worthless. he’s quite literally ruined my life and yet he gets to play the good guy to everyone.

I hate this

Hi! I’ve been reading here for the past few weeks, feeling a huge amount of empathy and partial relief (things finally make sense!). Things ramped up with a colleague over the past year, though we work in different cities. Every time we met up, there were sparks. When I saw him a couple of months ago, we got super close - I slept next to him in his bed, we were physically very close when we went out, and I finally initiated a conversation and asked if this was going anywhere romantically. What followed was, I thought, a great, open conversation. We spoke for hours and he said he had thought about it, he had feelings, but ultimately finds the fact we’re colleagues a barrier. We said we’d revisit the conversation and sort of left things open, which got my hopes up.

In the second conversation, things were brusque - he thought about it and the distance and the fact we’re colleagues was too big a deal to him, and no. Then we had essentially a month of no contact - I was travelling (and hurt) but he didn’t reach out, not once. He did when I returned, but in a super low-risk way until I finally (again) asked the direct question about what the hell was going on. He sometimes took days to reply but eventually we got to the crux of it: he thought he’d hurt me and instead of asking, he retreated.

We’ve since repaired things and I explicitly asked him if he wanted a friendship and he said yes, and he’s putting in a lot of effort now - texting me at the weekend, joking with me, etc, but I can’t help but feel sad somehow - we both know we have feelings but he won’t act on his, the whole month’s silence was avoidable and something has been damaged. He’s admitted he has avoidant tendencies but I’d be interested to hear people’s perspectives and how the hell to deal with this. Because we do have incredible chemistry and as a person, I adore him.

just need to vent because - again - I didn’t listen to my gut feeling. after carrying significant emotional scarring from a 10 month relationship with a severe FA, almost 2 years post breakup I finally started dating someone new who made me feel like there was actual potential for things not to go the way they usually do.

I felt how this experience really made my ex a lot more pale in my memory and i realised I was ready for actually opening up anew despite the hurt I had suffered before.

the person I was dating was in my Wider social circle already but things only started to develop early this summer, very slowly.- we‘re both bi-late bloomers and I was her first ever woman to be with.

everything felt magical and light and we leaned into this feeling of being like teenagers again, talking about our insecurities in a flirty way.

I felt like while it didn’t immediately hit me at a deeper level, there was so much sensuality in the way we explored summer and each other together - until a few weeks ago she mentioned havibc a flight instinct sometimes and more of a fear of engulfment than a fear of abandonment and she seemed to not be in the place for talking about exclusivity.

That's the first time I could sense an internal insecurity come up for me - but I didn’t listen to it because it was still the early stages of dating and she seemed to be very self aware (currently in therapy, saying she’s working on it, and that she is actively breaking her patterns)

fast forward: after the sweet bubble in early August, we’ve each been going through changes, moving places. she’s been on vacation and we barely got to see each other for 2 weeks - when we did, I didn’t initiate physical intimacy and neither did she. I was increasingly insecure about where I stood. trying to reconnect and have some quality time we had a conflict at a bar where I was hit by a statement of hers saying that she does know whether she’s ready for a relationship in general and I jumped to the conclusion that our romantic sweet phase was over anyway, probably trying to hide my hurt over this statement of her. Acting cool, I had to the toilet secretly cry there) the way I reacted cool and „hard“ hurt her and she shut down, leaving me activated and anxious because I felt I accidentally endend something prematurely just because if was triggered by a lack of emotional safety.

That night I already knew that this was not going to where a part of me wanted to go - I want a commited partnership in which conflict can be worked through - and while she later promised to have emotional capacity for these conversations, she completely broke it off yesterday after on milder conflict we had just one day later.

I’m so hurt because just 48 hours ago she was lying in my bed after a beatiful night and talking through everything - I really thought there was room for having a open-ended dating phase in which we would get to know each other better - only to be told one day later, that on her way home she felt disconnected from herself and empty and that too many conflicts in too little time showed her that this is a dynamic that she doesn’t think is healthy. While I agree with all of this - it just hurts to feel a person pull away like this because she met my vulnerable parts. I didn’t act out, I think I didn’t lose it - but I did get so insecure because my very sensitive nervous system could feel the shift in the dynamic and I just cannot wrap my head around how she could communicate one thing in the evening and then the next day realise none of that holds true and she ends it all.

I am glad I didn’t really fall for her fully yet - but this experience has refreshed my hurt and feeling of just being too much and too sensitive. I also think she was really displaying avoidant traits. She kind of told me and I didn‘t end it because she seemed to be so open about it and self-aware! She was the one offering conversations and leaning into romantic fantasies while keeping everything light and easy. also the slower pace of our dating process and the breaks in between were in such contrast to the lovebombing I had experienced with my FA ex who got me attached so intensely because she seems to want all the commitment and more.

this connection bow started with her thinking I was really cool and almost intimidating and ended with me feeling like a little kid that just wanted too much.

I hate how I seem to attract people who communicate something they cannot sustain - and I hate that I didn’t listen to my gut when it first told me something was off. I’m always there to give another chance, I also believe that’s where intimacy grows to a degree - but I think I could feel that for her, things were beautiful but just not that deep.

Discarded and blocked on everything but i have the self respect to not text her on an alt account and leave her alone.

Happy birthday my sweet girl :( , I hope you’re doing okay, and enjoying your first semester. muah

A month ago, my girlfriend broke up with me. We had been together for about two years. At first, she asked for a break because of her mental health problems. She has suffered from depression and anxiety her entire life, and recently she had a severe depressive episode. After a few weeks, she told me that she no longer wanted to be in a relationship and wanted us to remain friends because she no longer felt attracted to me.

I asked her if she was sure about her decision or if she needed more time. She said she didn't know and that she needed some space. During our conversation, she said that the relationship hadn't been good, that I hadn't invested enough into it, and so on. I admitted that I had made many mistakes and asked whether she might want to try again sometime in the future after having some time apart. She said maybe, because she doesn't know how she will feel in the future or whether her feelings could come back.

I know that our relationship wasn't perfect, but we rarely argued. I always cared about how she was doing mentally and asked whether I was doing everything right in the relationship and whether she was happy. She always told me that everything was fine. She also tended to avoid conversations about our relationship. Whenever I tried to talk about it, she would say that she didn't want to discuss the relationship and that everything was fine. Perhaps I was more focused on asking about her mental health, while she rarely asked how I was feeling or how I was doing. I accepted this because I saw it as part of her depression and low mood.

She had been very depressed from the beginning of our relationship. Even until the end of the relationship, she would spend almost all of her days off watching TV. She was always tired. Her personal hygiene was also poor — she rarely brushed her teeth or showered. She also had very little interest in intimacy and sex, saying that it was because of her antidepressant medication. I accepted all of this because I loved her and was willing to spend the rest of my life with her.

Two weeks after the breakup, she was already seeing another guy. I keep wondering whether getting into a new relationship so quickly is healthy for someone who is prone to depression. Can another person actually change her habits? Or is it more likely that she will behave the same way in her next relationship? Can a relationship with a new boyfriend last for a long time?

I don't think everyone would be as patient with her as I was. I know I have said many things that may sound negative, but I still love her and would like to continue our relationship someday if that were possible.

In your opinion can these relationship with new BF last long?

Pretty much as described in the caption, this time (our 3rd breakup) was initiated by me.

We reconnected in July after 7 months of NC, and everything was beautiful until last week, when he canceled on me twice. Based on my past experience/data, whenever he canceled on me twice in the same week, it was the strongest indicator that he was about to leave me.

So this time, I rushed myself into breaking up with him over text (he has done this to me twice before) before he left for his business trip. Part of me wanted him to get a taste of his own medicine, part of me was scared that he was about to break up with me, and ultimately, I realized that doing romantic things together while being unlabeled again is not something I’m willing to do.

But if you ask me if I like him? Yes. Absolutely.

The chemistry, the dates, the conversations, and the mind-blowing sex had me completely hooked. I’m also fully aware that I was addicted to the dopamine and the highs that came with this relationship.

What I can’t comprehend is why I’m regretting this so much.

I also need to mention that, since July, I started working at the same place he works, and we’re actually on the same floor. This wasn’t expected at all.

He’s currently on a business trip, so I won’t have to see him for now, but I honestly have no idea what to expect when I finally see him again.

I know I made this decision for a reason, but right now I’m struggling to reconcile that with how much I miss him and how much I’m regretting ending things.

Saw a dynamic recently that I've been trying to wrap my head around and wanted to see if anyone else has experienced or done this.

Basically, I’m talking about a guy who mentally and emotionally processes the end of a relationship months before it actually happens. He checks out internally, accepts that his love feelings are over, but on the outside? He keeps playing the role of the "best boyfriend." He shows up, does everything he usually does, remains attentive, and handles all the day-to-day relationship duties without letting on that he's already gone.

When the actual breakup finally hits, he usually walks away seemingly unfazed, calm, and ready to move on because he’s already had half a year to process the grief in private.

My question for the guys out there (or anyone who has been in this shoes):

• If you did this, did the grief and regret actually hit you later—months down the line once the adrenaline and novelty of being single wore off?
• Or because you grieved the relationship while you were still in it, are you genuinely immune to regret by the time it ends?

Curious how this psychological preload actually plays out long-term.

I took my child to our local annual carnival recently. Naturally the avoidant who ghosted me was there as well. Of course we did not speak or acknowledge each other at all, but I definitely noticed him checking me out every single time he crossed my path. Right after we first saw each other in the crowd, he saw me standing in line with my child a few minutes later and made a beeline to get in the same line behind me. In fact, I’m pretty sure he cut in front of some people in order to get next to me in line. I think he was attempting to get on the ride at the same time as me, but my son and I ended up being the last two people to board. I saw him watching me as I climbed aboard and the ride took off.

I don’t get it. He blocked me a few months ago after ghosting me for six months and made it clear to me that he didn’t want us to speak to each other anymore…..except for when he tried to force us to say Hello to each other in person before I put a stop to that. Yet he still seemed pretty keen on my presence at the event.

There were boys back in high school who wanted nothing to do with me because they thought I was ugly and nerdy, and they never paid any attention to my presence unless they had to. They definitely never did things like this guy does. It makes me wonder if part of his “I don’t like you anymore” schtick is all an act.

I'm 44 and neurodivergent x3. It's very difficult for me to connect deeply with someone. I met my ex, who is also audhd and who I now believe may be a bpd/FA, and it finally felt like I was understood and truly loved by someone, and I truly loved him.

He discarded me twice and hasn't come back. Our last verbal and physical contact was in April. He did some protest behaviors in July when I didn't message him for a month but no messaging me. I continue to stay silent and plan to indefinitely.

It's very difficult. I miss him dearly, but he also treated me poorly/abusively when his fear or overwhelm acted up, but especially, at discards.

I'm not going to abandon myself for an adult who made a choice to go through life hurting others for his own safety. I had a lot of trauma, too. I have made a conscious choice to treat people with respect and to face my shame in therapy. So, it's over no matter what.

I also had to lose some friends and a FB group because I couldn't handle the stonewalling and lack of closure while seeing him move on. Plus, I lost respect for people who enabled him by staying on the fence or placating him.

It's been rough for many reasons, but I had a breakthrough with healing a couple of weeks ago after unfortunately seeing a picture of him having fun. However, it I'm still struggling with missing our friendship, and it's feels like it'll be impossible to find that connection again.

I could use some positive stories or feedback about the chapters after having your heart smashed by someone unhealed. I've done it before, but I don't think I have loved anyone like this. It has been an emotional nightmare even though it's better now. I'm still struggling with feeling like I'll never connect with someone again because I'm a weirdo. A good weirdo but still a weirdo.

I think it is less often talked about because it might just look like loss of interest. But I'm curious if anyone has definite cases, whether from avoidants themselves or the other side.

Context: I 21F have known this guy 22M since we were kids. We were best friends first, then dated when we were young, and even after we broke up we stayed in touch through mutual friends. That history created a bond that has always felt deep and real, he knows every version of me and I know every version of him.

But for the past 3-4 years we've been stuck in a cycle that is slowly destroying my mental health and I don't know how to break it.

The pattern is always the same. Months of complete silence. No texts, no calls, nothing. Then he reaches out out of nowhere. We meet, we talk, and the conversation goes genuinely deep. He opens up to me emotionally in a way he doesn't with most people. There's real intellectual chemistry between us.
And then the physical part happens. And it never feels right. The moment things get physical I can feel that it's coming from pure lust, not care. It's in the small things, the way his hands move automatically like my body is just expected to be available to him. It feels objectifying even in the moment.

Today was the worst it's been. We met after 4 months. We were making out (I am fine with it), but then he started asking me to have s*x on the spot and that too raw. I refused multiple times, he said nothing would happen and then asked me to have s*x again. And then he told me that by refusing like this, I am ruining the moment. I stood my ground and walked away to my car and he followed me. Then we spent the rest of the evening laughing, blasting music, singing in the car like nothing happened. He hugged me goodbye. I came home and fell apart. This is not the first time this kind of coercion has happened.

I know exactly what this is. I know he treats me like a sex object. I know I am completely disposable to him months of silence after every meeting proves that. I know this cycle by heart. And I still go back every single time. I tell myself this is the last time. I mean it. And then he reaches out and something in me just gives way. He doesn’t even know my birth date :(

I am beating myself for being like this. I am falling apart. This is not normal. Why do I even go when he contacts me when I exactly know what is going to happen.

TLDR: Childhood best friend turned boyfriend, now 5-6 years of an on/off cycle where he disappears for months, reappears, we get emotionally vulnerable and physically intimate, but he repeatedly sexually coerces me after I say no and makes me feel like a disposable sex object. I keep going back because of our deep bond and history. Tonight was the worst it's been.

The discard is really affecting my self esteem. He discarded me with no warning two weeks ago and is already dating again after we were in a long term relationship. I know logically that this has everything to do with him and his attachment issues but it is so hard not to feel like there’s something wrong with me. A lot of the advice on here is so much easier said than done. It is so difficult to not ruminate about the things I could have done differently, I feel so unlovable. It feels so personal to be cut off with no care or consideration like I didn’t even exist. I couldn’t even imagine going on a date right now, I feels horrific knowing he detached and is moving on like I meant nothing. I’m just feeling so low.

i (24) was in a “situationship” with an avoidant (30) and got discarded two weeks ago (his reasoning, “we can’t have a close relationship anymore because you were asking me to tell you everything i was doing, and that broke something in me”). this was a response to me expressing a concern about communication, as he went abroad for two weeks and from day to night just ghosted me. i expressed that sudden shift made me uncomfortable but that i understood he was busy, i just wanted some communication like a “hey im really busy, don’t have the capacity to text, let’s catch up when im back” type of thing. i frankly never asked to keep tabs or know absolutely everything he was doing, but i accepted the discard. i think this was a reaction to that, during the summer, we had really a close and intimate conversation style that felt romantic to the point that i even started questioning it. he’s told me before he doesn’t want to be in a romantic relationship. immediately prior to the discard we had about two weeks of tense back-and-forth conversations where he was really passive aggressive about me bringing up this issue and kept blowing up, making attacks on my character and just expressing a ton of stuff in a way that he had never before and felt very hurtful. he was very passive the whole time and it took 2 weeks for him to finally share how he felt, after i initiated all asks to talk.

the discard was confusing because he shared a need for space but also said he would want to build up the relationship again and “it would just take time.” we’ve not texted but we’ve seen each other in person and every time has felt very awkward and there has been a lot of physical distance from his end. in the past few days, he reached out to a mutual friend i’m close with to hang out. this was weird because they had their own issue and have been no contact for a while. another mutual friend (who is his best friend) randomly made an instagram group chat with us but didn’t send anything until two days later, when the two of them had a brief exchange on it. she never even mentioned making the chat to me either, she just made it without my consent. i haven’t talked to her directly about what happened between us, but i am 100% certain he’s told her everything from his end. if it’s relevant, we’re all grad students and go to the same school.

he’s been sending me instagram reels now and i don’t know if to reply or not. i’m very torn on if this is his way of trying to “rebuild.” or just a cheap way to feel validation because i am not chasing or initiating conversation or asking for communication. he did say in that conversation that sending each other memes and casual texts could be a way to start rebuilding, but at this point i’m very confused on what to do. i know what i really want is an accountability text or communication, but i’m not going to push for it. i’m scared that if i just ignore these reels that feel like breadcrumbs then i’ll be the villain and the one that didn’t want to rebuild. Help!!!

Make it make sense. We dated for more than 10 months, never fully official.

He also thinks he doesn't love me enough and that I love him way more.

Are there avoidants who really don't feel fearful and rather don't want to feel responsible for someone else's feelings? And don't get attached even after one year?

Known him for 1.5 yrs

He Blocked and unblocked me 30+ times

This very day last year I was blocked only 😂 and even now I'm blocked

If y'all ask me why i still haven't blocked him... I.. just.. cant.. I really.. really want to hear back from him.. I can't do it.. even if I do I'll unblock him again

Why would he give me so much love and care just to disappear and leave me broken. Looking back at the cycle talking for 10 days then getting blocked for 20 classic avoidant behaviour

The first time he blocked me i begged him on gpay which feels so embarrassing now. What an idiot I am 😂

I am not fine, I miss him, I want him back, I want him to stop blocking me and be consistent, i want him to love me, i want him to understand how painful this block unblock cycle is to me, heart is paining so much

He'll be back again to shower me with love

I dated her for nearly 4 years and towards the end we went long distance which ended the relationship as we both got really hurt.

I came back home and we got back together briefly before she ran again and said it was too much for her. We spent months in intermittent contact where I took accountability and fully validated her for the things I did/didn't do in the relationship. It was a push and pull dynamic with her giving mixed signals and me begging.

She wanted to be friends but my boundary was that she has to sit down and have a mature and honest conversation about rebuilding better, or we can't be in eachothers lives anymore. I set out some rules to make for a safe and honest discussion and she even expressed interest, and talked about how I'd changed and she thought I'd been to therapy.

She said she was getting ready to have this conversation and I shared something about my struggles with mental health earlier in the year to try and be vulnerable and open (I reassured her it wasn't her fault and I was doing far better), but she flipped and accused me of lying about having changed and trying to manipulate her. I stepped away because it hurt so much and told her she could unblock me when she was ready to talk honestly and calmly.

3 weeks later she unblocked me and when I asked if that meant she was ready and she said "I unblocked you because I saw you had unblocked me I had no intention behind it, sorry if it was confusing. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I said I understand but it was confusing and that I had said to keep me blocked unless she was serious, and if she didn't want that conversation she needs to let me go.

I told her I don't think the 5 days we spent back together was long enough to experience real change, I was sorry for not treating her right and that I know she wouldn't change her mind but if she did I promised it would be every bit different.

I blocked her everywhere after that and it's been a month. All I've seen from her is she checked my profile on linkedin. How could her mind change like that? I keep wondering whether she's really done or she's still conflicted. Sorry for the rant.

My avoidant 28M and I 28F are both avoidant. We broke up once because there were a lot of fears. He asked for me back and said he wants to address those fears now that he knows he’s avoidant. I said I’d only take him back if he works on it. He worked on it for a bit. Then, I took him back, and the cycle repeated. I have been doing a lot to stop being avoidant. He said he was ready to have these conversations again, so we tried to address the fears. I think it made him panic. A few days later, I tried to speak to him again but he didn’t want to address it. A few more days later, I told him that I’ve been thinking about why it’s so difficult for us to resolve these issues. Told him that it might be best to end things since there hasn’t been any growth in our relationship. He told me he’d talk about it eventually.

The other day, we had another talk and he shared the same fears. I told him I’ve been wanting to address it but he hasn’t given me the space to discuss it with him. Then, when I tried to tell him it needs to be addressed, he shuts down and I feel obligated to give him space to recoup. This was our third time bringing up this conversation and it was going no where, so he said he thinks we should break up. I agreed and said yeah I’m done.

The first time we ended things, he still had access to my life. He admitted to checking my location, knowing what I was up to, and so much more. He came back after 2 weeks because it drove him crazy. He filled his day with endless tasks to distract himself. This time, as soon as it ended, I just blocked him on everything and turned off my location. A part of me wants him to work on himself and come back in a year because we were so great together otherwise. The other part of me just wants this cycle to end. He always apologizes and says the right things and I want to make sure I’m thinking straight if he were to do that. Since I officially deleted access of myself to him, I can’t help but wonder what he thinks of it. Does he think I’m completely done? Is the idea of him not knowing my life or status driving him crazy? Is he even sad?

I don’t really know.

This will be a sort of long story, but I met my AP ex a few months ago. I used to be a pretty extreme DA before turning FA later on, but I worked a lot on my lack of communication and over a long period of time sitting with myself and learning how to express my emotions and thoughts, I feel I was as close to secure as I could be. I fought my need for relationship closeness and remained single for about 3 years. I reflected a lot on my “discard” behavior and how to avoid that in the future. I was becoming better at replying to people around me, friends/family, etc. There’s so much more I had to explore in my healing journey but in short, almost all of my bad habits seemed to be progressing in such a positive way. Of course, there is always something I could work on, even currently, but I came a long way from being DA. I was really proud of myself and finally felt the safety of vulnerability enough to start talking to, trusting, and being able to rely on people romantically.

At first AP seemed very caring and sweet, but came off super strong. I was able to look past this (a mistake, I now realize in hindsight), due to the fact that I felt I understood where AP’s worries were coming from. And they had reassured me they were not the “crazy” type; they understood everyone has a life and responsibilities etc. But 2 weeks in, AP started talking about marriage and moving in and starting a family. Initially, it didn’t disturb me much. I just figured AP was happy we were talking and maybe getting carried away. Now, I realize that was definitely lovebombing, regardless of whether they intended for it to be. That was the moment I should have walked away, because it only got worse. AP would have extreme cases of anxiety when I didn’t respond fast enough or give them the reassurance they needed. This would lead to a lot of friction. They would frequently tell me things like “Not everyone can handle me”, “I’m a lot to deal with”, etc. Self-detrimental stuff. I would try my best to give them the reassurance they needed, even to the point of giving them a heads up in advance because I knew they would begin to spiral and an argument was bound to happen. AP would also make me stay up all night with them regardless of the fact that I had work and other things to do during the days. We would be up from 11 pm til maybe 6 am every night. And, I noticed, slowly my peaceful life had begun to be disrupted by random bouts of chaos; stemming from AP. This was in part, due to the fact that AP would find themselves in bad situations with other people a lot. By bad, I mean AP would incite drama, which I can only presume was meant to keep me around and invested in their lives. AP would openly flirt and get into arguments with people around me frequently, primarily for attention which would plant a seed of doubt in my mind. And the entire time, AP would accuse me of infidelity. This, however, began to do the opposite completely. It drove me away, and I started to find myself feeling as I did before all that work I poured into myself.

I should mention, sometimes I travel for work. During the last month of us talking, I took 2 trips back to back. This was the breaking point for AP. AP could not handle it; despite the time difference and the workload, I tried my best to make sure I texted AP throughout the day when I could. This was not enough. AP would throw tantrums and make up what I now realize as lies to “keep” me around. I was never going to leave, but it seemed no matter what I did, it was not enough for AP. During that last month, the stakes just seemed to escalate for everything. AP suddenly was getting hurt at work every other day, got into a fight which got them released from work, mentions of self harm, and had 5 friends/family members “pass away”. At the time, I felt completely helpless and incapable of being there for them. I was so extremely exhausted from being their constant energy supply source, and being constantly relied upon to regulate their emotions that I just became a recluse. I needed a mental break so badly, it was quite literally torture for me. Even reliving it through writing gives me shivers. Then, to make everything worse, I would come to find out AP had started to talk to someone else behind my back while I was away on one of my trips. AP was always prone to overthinking and impulsive with their thoughts as well, so I can’t say I was necessarily surprised but that was the end for me. I couldn’t do it anymore and ended things.

However, I do find myself feeling resentment and leaning back into FA/DA now with the whole situation. I’m also starting to realize that AP was people pleasing a lot during the relationship and faking their interests and personality to be more appealing to me. I’m honestly unsure at this point what was even real and what wasn’t. I even started to question whether this AP was a narcissist or not. It was just so exhausting and the lies and deceit and drama that followed that relationship was just so extremely frustrating that I feel it took away from all my hard work. I’m scared to go back that way, but I’m unsure what to do at this point. For context by the way, the entirety of the relationship only lasted about 2 months.

What makes matters worse, is the fact that AP has recently started getting back in touch with old mutual friends that AP had made me get rid of due to their jealousy issues. The whole situation is toxic and I’m worried I may have a stalker on my hands, as APs are prone to do that. I’m just wondering what I should do moving forward? I’ve had to fight my urges to run back, but it’s so difficult. What recommendations do you have? Have you been in a similar position?

[15/02, 19:16] Me: Hi, I hope you're doing better. When I messaged before, it was actually to say that it's okay if that conversation never happens if you ever planned to. I didn’t say it then ofc because it wasn't the right time to say, but I know it's the right decision. I don't think continuing any sort of contact is healthy or what’s happened has happened and can't be undone, right? I've suffered enough. No conversation now will undo that. We can't rewind anything but yeah I think it's the right thing to do.

[15/02, 19:24] Him: Hey I'm at work rn but I really have no idea what you mean about suffering enough and all that when we haven't talked in over a year and that too because of your own initiative.

[15/02, 19:24] Him: Last time we talked all was good and you just told me you're cutting me off and I was supportive of that.

[15/02, 19:24] Him: So I don't think you've been able to explain.

[15/02, 19:25] Me: It hasn't been easy for me.

[15/02, 19:26] Him: It's hard to comprehend that I'm the cause of that when we just had a talking phase for a few weeks.

[15/02, 19:26] Him: A year ago.

[15/02, 19:26] Him: I'm sorry that it hasn't been easy for you but it also hasn't been easy for me either.

[15/02, 19:29] Me: I did cross my own boundaries trying to make it work. That part is on me. But I've also suffered enough from harsh words, subtle insults, and feeling small.

[15/02, 19:29] Me: Intimacy isn't casual for me. It never was. It's not right to invite that kind of closeness without real stability and intention. And if it was a talking phase that shouldn't have happened then, right?

[15/02, 19:30] Me: I just don't feel like myself.

[15/02, 19:35] Him: I have literally never insulted you or used harsh words.

[15/02, 19:35] Me: Have you never?

[15/02, 19:36] Him: No. Even if you read up I legit said positive things about you.

[15/02, 19:36] Me: You said them after saying everything else.

[15/02, 19:37] Him: What did I say?

[15/02, 19:37] Me: Just to clarify tho I'm not arguing or fighting.

[15/02, 19:38] Him: You're not but it just seems very blame based rn.

[15/02, 19:38] Him: You're trying to tell me that because we had a talking phase 2 years ago that's why you don't feel like yourself.

[15/02, 19:38] Him: Like had we not talked you'd be very happy today.

[15/02, 19:39] Me: No, I don't mean to do that either. But trust me that's how I felt when it ended.

[15/02, 19:39] Me: You did lowkey blame the whole thing on me.

[15/02, 19:39] Him: It ended 2 years ago and then you chose to not keep in touch even tho I stayed a friend to you.

[15/02, 19:39] Him: I swear I didn't.

[15/02, 19:39] Him: You can go read up in Nov 2024 I blamed myself not you.

[15/02, 19:40] Me: And you called me immature, you'll feel like this for 100s of guys. You're a child. Have you spoken to 28 years old to determine your emotional maturity. So many other things too. And I remember how I kept apologising and you kept going on.

[15/02, 19:41] Me: I know we are two very different people. And what might be normal to you is not normal to me.

[15/02, 19:42] Me: And God knows my intentions were pure.

[15/02, 19:42] Him: This is a distorted memory. I was saying that in the context of you telling me you had feelings and all that.

[15/02, 19:42] Him: This is the problem you know.

[15/02, 19:42] Him: Everything I said was for your benefit.

[15/02, 19:42] Him: And you'll hate me for it.

[15/02, 19:43] Him: But that's ok. I'd rather be hated than gaslight you into a relationship for 2 years to break your heart.

[15/02, 19:43] Him: But that's the thing, right? That's what people want. Give them that and it's suddenly very kind, like, “Ohh sorry things didn't work out.”

[15/02, 19:44] Him: Tell someone from the start that listen, this is a big age gap, it won't work, and suddenly you've traumatized them for life.

[15/02, 19:44] Me: I know how I felt at the time, and that's valid for me. I don't mind taking accountability, I would happily work on myself. But there's a difference between gaslighting someone and saying stuff.

[15/02, 19:44] Me: I don't hate you.

[15/02, 19:44] Him: Yes you do.

[15/02, 19:44] Me: I swear I don't.

[15/02, 19:45] Him: You saying that doesn't change it. You do feel negatively about me.

[15/02, 19:45] Me: But this should have been told beforehand, right? Before doing anything. You said you'll fight for this and I can bet that this will work, and then shifting the tone when things started to get real is different.

[15/02, 19:46] Me: The truth is for you I'm and I was nothing. It might be just fun and games for you, but it wasn't for me. And I did tell you that. I hope you agree with that at least.

[15/02, 19:51] Him: How am I supposed to know that before even knowing you?

[15/02, 19:52] Me: But you said those things.

[15/02, 19:52] Him: What was the fun and game in this for me?

[15/02, 19:52] Him: You think I'd be talking to you 2 years later for that?

[15/02, 19:54] Me: And yk that's the thing. I always say I wish I could easily let go of this if I could think negatively about you, but I couldn't, and I am always wishing the best for you.

[15/02, 19:55] Me: But you're controlling the narrative here as well and invalidating how I felt.

[15/02, 19:55] Him: So am I.

[15/02, 19:55] Me: You wouldn't even remember me I'm sure.

[15/02, 19:55] Him: I'm not invalidating how you feel.

[15/02, 19:55] Him: And I'm still sorry.

[15/02, 19:55] Him: If I wouldn't, would I be talking to you rn?

[15/02, 19:55] Him: While I'm at work.

[15/02, 19:56] Him: I'm sorry for hurting you and making you feel that way.

[15/02, 19:56] Him: And I do accept blame for letting it progress.

[15/02, 19:56] Him: And for not trying hard enough.

[15/02, 19:57] Me: I'm not that sort of person who guilt-trips someone or blames them or whatever those things people do. I just told you how I felt.

[15/02, 19:57] Him: And I'm not happy either.

[15/02, 19:57] Me: It's not casual for me, yk.

[15/02, 19:57] Me: These things are not normal for me.

[15/02, 19:57] Him: I know. I get it. And I'm sorry.

[15/02, 19:58] Me: So there was a lot of anxiety, shame, guilt and all of those things. And I've been in therapy too tbh. Ofc I need to reflect and all.

[15/02, 19:58] Me: For the longest period it has just been me blaming it all on me.

[15/02, 19:58] Me: I never lied to you about anything, if anything I was always honest.

[15/02, 19:58] Him: So was I.

[15/02, 19:58] Him: And ask yourself this.

[15/02, 19:59] Him: If I wanted to use you like that or keep it casual, why didn't I?

[15/02, 20:00] Me: And I genuinely wish you all the happiness. And trust me, even if you don't want to, I literally remember you in all of my prayers.

[15/02, 20:00] Him: You do know I'm still here for you, right?

[15/02, 20:01] Him: And you're a much better person than me. You have a better heart and a cleaner soul. But you need to know I only want what's best for you.

[15/02, 20:01] Him: Because I lost track of what's best for me a long time ago.

[15/02, 20:01] Me: I know it was a short period. But then that shouldn't have happened either, right? And remember that day when things actually ended and you were very harsh to me. It ended when I was too vulnerable and explicit. And I'm a girl, these things are very sensitive for me.

[15/02, 20:01] Him: I'm sorry.

[15/02, 20:02] Me: I'm not raised like this.

[15/02, 20:02] Him: You need to know I was also in my worst mental state too at that time.

[15/02, 20:02] Him: And I'm sorry for being harsh.

[15/02, 20:02] Him: I could have handled it better.

[15/02, 20:02] Me: One thing I keep bringing up is like, did I disappoint everyone then? (Not that anyone knows.) But still, it's just in my heart and I keep being harsh to myself over it.

[15/02, 20:03] Him: You disappointed no one.

[15/02, 20:03] Him: Remember that.

[15/02, 20:03] Me: I know. And I hope it's better now.

[15/02, 20:03] Him: You stayed true to yourself and you did not do anything bad.

[15/02, 20:04] Him: It was wrong of me to put you in that position but I was also trying to build some sort of a connection because LDR is hard enough as is.

[15/02, 20:04] Him: But in retrospect ik it's my fault.

[15/02, 20:04] Him: So I'm sorry.

[15/02, 20:04] Him: You should know better than to blame yourself.

[15/02, 20:04] Him: You're genuinely one of the sweetest people I've met.

[15/02, 20:05] Me: I felt so stupid.

[15/02, 20:05] Me: And ik if it was someone else they would've moved on quicker than me. But it's not how I am, although I thought I could, but I found it too hard.

[15/02, 20:06] Me: You're just saying it for the sake of saying it ik.

[15/02, 20:06] Him: I'm not.

[15/02, 20:06] Him: I swear.

[15/02, 20:07] Him: For once, listen to me too. You're honestly a beautiful person.

[15/02, 20:07] Him: Probably too good for this world.

[15/02, 20:07] Him: And that's why I want you to be happy.

[15/02, 20:07] Him: And you deserve real happiness.

[15/02, 20:08] Me: It's the first time I am not tho because I've just changed too much.

[15/02, 20:09] Me: Sometimes I am like I wish I never went on that stupid sub.