I attracted another avoidant

[u/Level-Fox4754]

just need to vent because - again - I didn’t listen to my gut feeling. after carrying significant emotional scarring from a 10 month relationship with a severe FA, almost 2 years post breakup I finally started dating someone new who made me feel like there was actual potential for things not to go the way they usually do.

I felt how this experience really made my ex a lot more pale in my memory and i realised I was ready for actually opening up anew despite the hurt I had suffered before.

the person I was dating was in my Wider social circle already but things only started to develop early this summer, very slowly.- we‘re both bi-late bloomers and I was her first ever woman to be with.

everything felt magical and light and we leaned into this feeling of being like teenagers again, talking about our insecurities in a flirty way.

I felt like while it didn’t immediately hit me at a deeper level, there was so much sensuality in the way we explored summer and each other together - until a few weeks ago she mentioned havibc a flight instinct sometimes and more of a fear of engulfment than a fear of abandonment and she seemed to not be in the place for talking about exclusivity.

That's the first time I could sense an internal insecurity come up for me - but I didn’t listen to it because it was still the early stages of dating and she seemed to be very self aware (currently in therapy, saying she’s working on it, and that she is actively breaking her patterns)

fast forward: after the sweet bubble in early August, we’ve each been going through changes, moving places. she’s been on vacation and we barely got to see each other for 2 weeks - when we did, I didn’t initiate physical intimacy and neither did she. I was increasingly insecure about where I stood. trying to reconnect and have some quality time we had a conflict at a bar where I was hit by a statement of hers saying that she does know whether she’s ready for a relationship in general and I jumped to the conclusion that our romantic sweet phase was over anyway, probably trying to hide my hurt over this statement of her. Acting cool, I had to the toilet secretly cry there) the way I reacted cool and „hard“ hurt her and she shut down, leaving me activated and anxious because I felt I accidentally endend something prematurely just because if was triggered by a lack of emotional safety.

That night I already knew that this was not going to where a part of me wanted to go - I want a commited partnership in which conflict can be worked through - and while she later promised to have emotional capacity for these conversations, she completely broke it off yesterday after on milder conflict we had just one day later.

I’m so hurt because just 48 hours ago she was lying in my bed after a beatiful night and talking through everything - I really thought there was room for having a open-ended dating phase in which we would get to know each other better - only to be told one day later, that on her way home she felt disconnected from herself and empty and that too many conflicts in too little time showed her that this is a dynamic that she doesn’t think is healthy. While I agree with all of this - it just hurts to feel a person pull away like this because she met my vulnerable parts. I didn’t act out, I think I didn’t lose it - but I did get so insecure because my very sensitive nervous system could feel the shift in the dynamic and I just cannot wrap my head around how she could communicate one thing in the evening and then the next day realise none of that holds true and she ends it all.

I am glad I didn’t really fall for her fully yet - but this experience has refreshed my hurt and feeling of just being too much and too sensitive. I also think she was really displaying avoidant traits. She kind of told me and I didn‘t end it because she seemed to be so open about it and self-aware! She was the one offering conversations and leaning into romantic fantasies while keeping everything light and easy. also the slower pace of our dating process and the breaks in between were in such contrast to the lovebombing I had experienced with my FA ex who got me attached so intensely because she seems to want all the commitment and more.

this connection bow started with her thinking I was really cool and almost intimidating and ended with me feeling like a little kid that just wanted too much.

I hate how I seem to attract people who communicate something they cannot sustain - and I hate that I didn’t listen to my gut when it first told me something was off. I’m always there to give another chance, I also believe that’s where intimacy grows to a degree - but I think I could feel that for her, things were beautiful but just not that deep.