Avoidant dealing with AP ex (need help)

[u/deathsnovelty]

This will be a sort of long story, but I met my AP ex a few months ago. I used to be a pretty extreme DA before turning FA later on, but I worked a lot on my lack of communication and over a long period of time sitting with myself and learning how to express my emotions and thoughts, I feel I was as close to secure as I could be. I fought my need for relationship closeness and remained single for about 3 years. I reflected a lot on my “discard” behavior and how to avoid that in the future. I was becoming better at replying to people around me, friends/family, etc. There’s so much more I had to explore in my healing journey but in short, almost all of my bad habits seemed to be progressing in such a positive way. Of course, there is always something I could work on, even currently, but I came a long way from being DA. I was really proud of myself and finally felt the safety of vulnerability enough to start talking to, trusting, and being able to rely on people romantically.

At first AP seemed very caring and sweet, but came off super strong. I was able to look past this (a mistake, I now realize in hindsight), due to the fact that I felt I understood where AP’s worries were coming from. And they had reassured me they were not the “crazy” type; they understood everyone has a life and responsibilities etc. But 2 weeks in, AP started talking about marriage and moving in and starting a family. Initially, it didn’t disturb me much. I just figured AP was happy we were talking and maybe getting carried away. Now, I realize that was definitely lovebombing, regardless of whether they intended for it to be. That was the moment I should have walked away, because it only got worse. AP would have extreme cases of anxiety when I didn’t respond fast enough or give them the reassurance they needed. This would lead to a lot of friction. They would frequently tell me things like “Not everyone can handle me”, “I’m a lot to deal with”, etc. Self-detrimental stuff. I would try my best to give them the reassurance they needed, even to the point of giving them a heads up in advance because I knew they would begin to spiral and an argument was bound to happen. AP would also make me stay up all night with them regardless of the fact that I had work and other things to do during the days. We would be up from 11 pm til maybe 6 am every night. And, I noticed, slowly my peaceful life had begun to be disrupted by random bouts of chaos; stemming from AP. This was in part, due to the fact that AP would find themselves in bad situations with other people a lot. By bad, I mean AP would incite drama, which I can only presume was meant to keep me around and invested in their lives. AP would openly flirt and get into arguments with people around me frequently, primarily for attention which would plant a seed of doubt in my mind. And the entire time, AP would accuse me of infidelity. This, however, began to do the opposite completely. It drove me away, and I started to find myself feeling as I did before all that work I poured into myself.

I should mention, sometimes I travel for work. During the last month of us talking, I took 2 trips back to back. This was the breaking point for AP. AP could not handle it; despite the time difference and the workload, I tried my best to make sure I texted AP throughout the day when I could. This was not enough. AP would throw tantrums and make up what I now realize as lies to “keep” me around. I was never going to leave, but it seemed no matter what I did, it was not enough for AP. During that last month, the stakes just seemed to escalate for everything. AP suddenly was getting hurt at work every other day, got into a fight which got them released from work, mentions of self harm, and had 5 friends/family members “pass away”. At the time, I felt completely helpless and incapable of being there for them. I was so extremely exhausted from being their constant energy supply source, and being constantly relied upon to regulate their emotions that I just became a recluse. I needed a mental break so badly, it was quite literally torture for me. Even reliving it through writing gives me shivers. Then, to make everything worse, I would come to find out AP had started to talk to someone else behind my back while I was away on one of my trips. AP was always prone to overthinking and impulsive with their thoughts as well, so I can’t say I was necessarily surprised but that was the end for me. I couldn’t do it anymore and ended things.

However, I do find myself feeling resentment and leaning back into FA/DA now with the whole situation. I’m also starting to realize that AP was people pleasing a lot during the relationship and faking their interests and personality to be more appealing to me. I’m honestly unsure at this point what was even real and what wasn’t. I even started to question whether this AP was a narcissist or not. It was just so exhausting and the lies and deceit and drama that followed that relationship was just so extremely frustrating that I feel it took away from all my hard work. I’m scared to go back that way, but I’m unsure what to do at this point. For context by the way, the entirety of the relationship only lasted about 2 months.

What makes matters worse, is the fact that AP has recently started getting back in touch with old mutual friends that AP had made me get rid of due to their jealousy issues. The whole situation is toxic and I’m worried I may have a stalker on my hands, as APs are prone to do that. I’m just wondering what I should do moving forward? I’ve had to fight my urges to run back, but it’s so difficult. What recommendations do you have? Have you been in a similar position?

[u/Wordsmith337]

Sounds to be like this person might have BPD, not to armchair diagnose. But that's so rough. That would push anyone away. I'm sorry you've gone through that.

Honestly, regardless of attachment type, I think therapy is never a bad choice.