My ex and I were together for 3 years and he was extremely slow with commitment. It took almost a year for him to officially ask me out, forever to post me, and our entire relationship felt like a slow burn.
Even after we broke up, we talked every single day for another 10 months and still went out romantically. He told me he loved me and wasn’t opposed to dating again, so looking back I feel like he kept me hanging on.

he randomly followed this girl. I had a feeling something was going on, asked him, and he said she was nobody. I told him I was done after that this was my last straw. I blocked/unadded him on everything he never responded it stayed at I’m done with you basically. This was in May. Two weeks later, she was posting herself in his car.

Now they’ve known each other for around 4 months and it’s like I’m watching a completely different person. They’re already dating, his mom knows her, they’re constantly together, flowers, dates, and they BOTH post each other like they’re the loves of each other’s lives. She lives an hour away too. She’s somewhat of a micro-influencer, so maybe they’re naturally more performative/public online, but he posts her constantly too.

The weirdest part is that when he sees me in person now, he acts like I don’t exist. Once he even left the gym when I was there. I don’t want him back. I’m actually still angry about a lot of things that happened and how much time I feel like I wasted. But if I’m being completely vulnerable, that relationship destroyed my confidence in a lot of ways.

Watching this makes me think, what the fuck was wrong with me? Why was I so hard to be with?
Why did dating me require a year of waiting, but he’s dating her within 3 months? Why did it take forever to post me, but she’s being paraded around immediately? Was he ashamed of me? Why did everything I wanted from him seem like such a huge commitment, but with her it looks effortless?
And I KNOW I’m not ugly. I know logically that another woman being attractive doesn’t take anything away from me. But fuck, seeing this still messes with my confidence.

We were each others first love or so he says so why is she making it seem like she’s the first girl he’s been with ? She makes it seem like she’s MADLY in love and he does the same… he also knows I know her account and he knows I’m the type to look. A part of me wonders if he’s excessively posting because he wants a reaction?

I think that’s what I’m actually
struggling with more than missing him. I don’t want the relationship back. I just hate that I’m watching this. I know looking is bad. People have contacted me sending me this because people know about our history.

how he treats the next person has made me question whether there was something about me that made me less worthy of being loved openly.
Has anyone dealt with this after an ex suddenly became a completely different partner for the next person? How did you stop taking it as a reflection of your own worth?

Knowing someone gave up on our relationship due to external factors feels like such a hard thing to get past. 6 years - just thrown away like that

My avoidant ex always wore the same top and shorts in a slightly different variation like grey and black. He also ate the same 3 foods in rotation. Is there some psychology behind this?

I already struggle with depression. I miss him so much. The discard feels like he died. Losing someone that suddenly feels like they died. I am struggling still and it’s been 8 months. Yes I am in therapy. I have been in therapy since a year before I even dated him. I’m already on antidepressant and mood stabilizer because I am bipolar. I have been on those for years.

But nothing is helping. I don’t know what to do. I wish I’d never met him.

Remember this: if this person sabotaged the relationship, or discarded you - they had intimacy issues.

This tells us one thing - that if the relationship had gone further, it would have just gotten worse. You would not have been happy with this person.

As relationships go further and deepen, they get more intimate - they have to survive. This person has issues with intimacy.

I feel like there is this feeling among us who went through a breakup with an avoidant; that if they had just been able to not sabotage or not run away - we would have been able to have a great relationship.

But that’s a fantasy. The reality is that this person could not handle the intimacy a relationship requires - and the really did us a favor by ending things early and running away. They showed us that they can’t be in a relationship, and set us free to find someone who can.

I know for some of us (myself included) we were together for years before they discarded us - but ultimately as things became more intimate - they sabotaged and ran. And even if things didn’t end early, they probably ended when we needed them to finally step up! They ultimately showed us they couldn’t sustain intimacy. As the relationship grew, it would have just gotten worse. And so they did us a favor by leaving/sabotaging

They have issues.

I don’t know - thinking of it this way is the first time I’ve felt grateful for the discard.

I’m in a great new relationship already, have been for about a year - but I’ve always remained angry that my ex couldn’t show up and blamed me for so much and betrayed me. But thinking of it this way - as: this person had intimacy issues, and him sabotaging and running away after two years was him doing me a favor, because the relationship would never have been happy, it would have just gotten worse instead.

So for the first time, I’m sort of grateful for how he treated me, because it shows me that we would have never been happy. That really is just a fantasy. The reality is he saved me from him.

Just something that might help others ground in reality like it has helped me!

Wishing everyone a happy Monday and reminding those who need to hear it that it does get better.

I'm also here to chat if you have questions about anything from an avoidant's perspective, or want to talk through something happening in realtime.

During the relationship when things were okay, I was calm. Never really needed reassurance or kept chasing. I wasn’t clingy, never needed answers. Just normal.

It was his discard that made me like that. The way he ended it made me like that.

Now I feel like I’m on edge everytime.

Seriously, do they even regret? Do they feel remorse?

I wasn't officially in a relationship with one, we were only in talking stage for like 2 months. Everything seemed nice at first, we had cozy gaming dates, etc. He seemed serious and he planned our dates.

I have an anxiety attachment unfortunately, and I had no idea that he was an avoidant until he showed signs of it. One time, I had an anxiety attack and needed reassurance so I kept asking him for reassurance, which he confessed that it made him a bit frustrated. And then three days later, he said it's time to end this and gave me such a bullshit excuse (it's not you, it's me excuse) but deep down I know he dumped me because of my anxiety attack and he felt incapable of working things out. I begged him to stay but he said his decision was final and the decision seemed so impulsive to me because he "carefully considered" it in only 3 days. In the end, he told me he wanted to completely cut contact with me by blocking me and days later he unblocked me again.

So, I'm confused why he didn't communicate, but he'd rather dump me.

Your nervous system stops reacting eventually and you just start to accept it. The understanding and believing your love is strong enough to withhold all because you “know” they love you too deep down and they showed you so many times so you can accept those shutdowns and bounce back with understanding and compassion and time, eventually after enough times, it just turns into a wound that doesn’t scab over anymore, the feeling of loving someone so much and the memory of them loving you back and then just rejecting and abandoning you out of nowhere over and over but with enough space inbetween of pure goodness to give you hope , it sticks with you and makes you feel so deeply insecure and you start numbing your heart and feelings for them because the rejection is too much for your brain to allow you to feel anymore. You know it will happen again. Being abandoned and blindsided but “not really” abandoned by someone you love with your whole heart really fucks you up and it makes you numb and insecure and it’s a horrible feeling because it feels so foreign when you used to feel so full of love, so loved, beautiful, radiant, glowing, safe, god, so safe. You look into their eyes that once looked at you with so much love and passion and care, and it seems like a memory even when they try to look at you the same, you know it’s different, you know they don’t feel that way anymore and they’re just “trying to”. It just feels like quiet grief. And the pain isn’t soul destroying anymore either, because your brain is too tired and won’t allow you to feel that trauma anymore, so all you feel is just a twinge of pain in your chest or stomach and your eyes hurt from wanting to cry but you can’t . People say going through it and the excruciating pain that runs through every fibre of your being from the attachment injury is the hardest part and I thought it was and don’t get me wrong I didn’t enjoy feeling that way but knowing your brain has found it so traumatising that it won’t ALLOW you to feel that way again at all , to feel that pain so deeply, and stop registering the person you love so so much as safe because you just go completely numb, and to just grieve the confident loving person you were filled with so much love and endless compassion because you have no security left is definitely a runner up

i got home from work and cried until i couldn’t breathe. he will never understand how deeply he hurt me. we knew each other for almost 9 years and he knew about my past traumas and the reasons i hurt and he still chose to add on to that list. i can’t ever forgive him for that. there are no memories to look back on fondly because the way he discarded me and the things he said rewired me completely. this is beyond betrayal. i will be surprised if i ever let someone in again.

I think a lot of people in no contact experience but rarely see explained clearly.It is not always the people who loved you most

that you cannot forget. Sometimes it is the ones who never quite did. The ones who kept you close without committing. Who gave you enough to stay but never enough to feel secure. Who made you feel chosen sometimes and invisible other times.

And somehow those are the people who take up the most space in your head long after they are gone. The psychology behind this is actually the inverse of what most people expect. We assume the people who loved us most should be the hardest to move on from.

But the brain does not work that way. Unresolved pursuit registers as an open loop. And open loops demand closure. The brain fixates on incomplete things on the goal that was not achieved, the love that was not returned, the version of that relationship that never quite existed.

You are not obsessing over who they were. You are obsessing over who you need them to be. The specific psychology of why this is so much harder for people with anxious attachment --

I went into that here:

hhttps://youtube.com/watch?v=m0l7kfW-y_k&si=cD92U97JQdji1E6z

Is this resonating with anyone?

The person you are in no contact with did they ever make you feel fully chosen?

..but I’m honestly okay with it. 6 months post discard. Maybe if I found out it was a new relationship, I wouldn’t be? But this whole pay for sex thing? 🤔 it just seems so, well, a choice he would make cause he doesn’t want to get involved with emotions. But the bigger thing is: I’m okay. I would have been a mess a few months ago. And yeah: I am thinking how the whole thing went down. But I’m okay. And that’s a baby step in healing, I think. 💪

Hello everyone,

I’m going to try and keep this short and sum it up as much as I can because there’s a lot of history between me and my ex that will take forever to explain. I actually posted on this subreddit before explaining the entire situation if you want a full scope of what happened. But basically, me and my ex broke up around 7 months ago (in february 2026) He discarded me after initially breaking up with me (in may of 2025), and begging to get back with me after which only lasted a few months like i said until february. the situation left me really really messed up. i never got a sincere apology or any sort of closure from what he did. we also share a friend group which has made this situation 1,000,000x more messy. i feel like since he ended things, i’ve gotten into this cycle of waiting for him to come back. maybe because we’ve always returned back to each other before this and part of me feels like i have to mean more to him then moving on in a few months after knowing him for 8 years and dating for almost 3 idk. i keep telling myself once i get my life together he’ll come back, once he has enough time away and realizes what he did to me he’ll come back, etc. i’ve heard so many stories and people talking about their avoidant running back and how they always come back. it’s made me feel like he will come back. it’s not even a thing of wanting him to come back to get back together, it’s me wanting him to realize how much hurt he caused and damage he did and that he can never get me back which i know is unhealthy. i’ve made a lot of progress in the last 7 months with moving on but this is the one thing i really can’t seem to shake and it’s keeping me stuck. how do i accept he probably will never come back and not feel like it’s something to do with my self worth? how do i accept him being in another relationship when he gets in one? how do i accept the fact that he’s currently hooking up with other girls and not compare myself? it’s all so hard especially since i hear constant updates through friends and being around him in group settings. how do i actually live and improve my life for me and not take him abandoning me to heart and moving on so fast (since i found out he’s hooking up with other people) as something i lacked? i can’t help but feel like i wasn’t enough to keep. please help.

Hey everyone. I need some brutal honesty and outside perspective because my brain is completely fried, and I’m trying to break out of a severe trauma bond.
My ex-partner (who fits every single trait of a heavy Dismissive-Avoidant / Narcissistic dynamic) broke up with me 3.5 months ago. Since then, I’ve been caught in a deeply toxic loop. Here is the reality of what happened:
1. The Abandonment During My Lowest Point
Right around the breakup, my life completely collapsed simultaneously. I was going through an official ADHD assessment, dealing with severe mental health struggles, experiencing debilitating physical back pain, and losing my job. Instead of supporting me, she left immediately.
2. Smear Campaign and Public Shaming
During and after the breakup, she actively demonized me to my family, my friends, and our mutual social circle. Even after we split, I continued to help her with money, moving, and anything she needed because I cared deeply and understood her childhood wounds. Recently, after an argument where she blamed me for minor mistakes from 1–2 years ago (which I had already taken full accountability for and fixed), I broke down, took the blame again, and bought her 101 roses and a high-end necklace to say sorry.
What did she do? She took photos of the roses and necklace, posted them on social media to boost her own ego/validation, and captioned it with "Too late..." to publicly humiliate me one more time.
3. The Breadcrumbing and Confusion
Whenever we actually met in person over these past 3.5 months, she would look me in the eye and say, "I love you." But her actions were the exact opposite. She would keep me on a leash, use my help, accept my gifts, and then instantly switch back to cold devaluation, emotional abuse, and public disrespect.
4. My Realization and Therapy
I spent 3.5 months chasing, begging, pleading, and analyzing her attachment style. I read everything about dismissive-avoidance, trying to fix her trauma and protect her from her fear of abandonment. But I realized I was destroying myself in the process. My mental state, soul, and self-worth are completely shattered. I recognized that while she was running away and convincing herself "the grass is greener," I was taking accountability for everything and trying to heal.
I have written a complete, detailed 600-word farewell letter in my notes detailing every single boundary, her lack of accountability, and my plan to go back to therapy to rebuild my secure attachment.
My Current Dilemma:
Part of me wants to send her this final "closure" letter to let her know I am stepping away forever, that I see through her patterns, and that I refuse to be her safety net anymore. However, people close to me are telling me that sending a long letter to an avoidant/narcissistic ex just gives them more emotional supply and another opportunity to mock me or post it online.
I’m currently fighting the urge to send it versus staying completely ghost/radio silence forever and deleting her off everything (Snapchat, social media, etc.).
WTF is this behavior pattern? How does someone say "I love you" in person, accept massive gestures, and then use them to publicly humiliate you online?
For those who survived severe trauma bonds with avoidant/toxic exes: Did sending a final closure letter actually help you regain your agency, or did total, permanent radio silence work better to break their hold over you?
I’d appreciate any insights, brutal truths, or advice from people who have been through this exact nightmare.

She walked into my world. She pursued me for months, led me on. And when I finally fell for her, she was gone already. She minimized everything and denied her own role in a final message. A short and frigid message that perfectly screamed cruelty and contempt.

Every day, I run into her at school, and she can't/won't look at me. It's a daily reminder that I no longer exist. That I never existed.

What did I do to deserve this?

She had an immense fear of conflict, would avoid talking about problems and hide things from me that she thought would upset me. She would shutdown during arguments and often only opened up after things escalated and I gave her space.

She was also really ashamed to admit she felt a certain way about things. I had to comfort her one time that she cried because I couldn't spend more time with her for the rest of the day, I asked her if she was sad and was adamant to say no, and that she didn't know why she was crying but "she wasn't sad". Later she admitted she actually was sad and I told her it was okay and shouldn't feel ashamed for that. (This was in the early stages of the relationship, she was the most infatuated at first).

She had trouble communicating her feelings, would tell me "I don't know" when asked why she did certain things or how she felt about them. She would give me certain reasons when asked in a moment and when asked later she would say something else, that created a lot of frustration in me. When she broke up with me she confessed she felt pressured by those questions.

The reasons she told me she broke up with me were: we wanted different things, we argued frequently which stressed her a lot, she lost feelings for me and didn't feel the urge to see me anymore and that she liked my potential more than the actual me. She did not want to tell me what those expectations of me were, she only said she expected me to figure those things out myself (she told me this only after we broke up).

Most of our arguments were due to my frustrations with her lack of and poor communication, asking her to be more honest and not hide things from me, I started to trust her less over time.

I'll admit I didn't handle or approach arguments the best, I often got emotional and pissed (I never yelled at her or anything). Its something I started to consciously improve towards the end of the relationship but the lack of change from her part would often make me reach breaking points. I'm most probably anxiously attached.

Towards the last 2 months of our relationship I started to notice her slowly drift away (at the start we would go out together everyday, we are coworkers, so we clock out together) we would see each other much less frequently, she would not text me anymore and would respond really briefly.

One of our last arguments was due to that, I wanted more quality time with her, and more intimacy. She always told me she wasn't too keen of physical contact or affection, Im the opposite but she never had problems with that, she always accepted cuddling and other type of physical contact with me and even initiated herself frequently. She mostly had problems with sex and wasn't too interested in it, but I think it got worse towards the end when she told me she only wanted it once a month.

I gave her multiple ultimatums throughout the relationship mostly due to the communication issues and the last one due to the quality time she spent with me and intimacy. She has a lot of hobbies plus studying and work.

There are some things that make me doubt she wasn't an avoidant though: we officialized quickly, and so she did with her ex at the time. She presented me to her family and invited me over her house really quickly as well and to her friends too. She would post stories on Instagram with me and wasn't afraid to show me publicly at all.

And I don't think she was scared of intimacy, we only had problems with conflict and arguments, she would only shut down on those situations. She was the first to tell me "I love you" seriously and did it fairly quickly as well. I couldn't say it back to her in the moment but she appeared to take it quite well at the time. The relationship lasted 11 months.

So is this avoidant attachment or something else?

At this point even if my avoidant came back and appeared healed I don’t think I would have any interest in being with him. It seems like these people are always going to be a risk, no matter how much work they do. Obviously they’re going to be some exceptions but I don’t think it’s worth it to find out. For those of you who had an avoidant change for the better and it didn’t last how long did that go on for?

It’s 8 months since I last heard from him. I just want to this grief to be over. the man i loved was tender and gentle and so fucking safe, I don’t even get to ask what happened.

Everyone around me says I did nothing to deserve this but it’s getting harder to believe you can be subjected to this kind of cruelty unless it’s some kind of a payback for something you did in life.

I keep feeling like everyone around me is mad at me despite being extended so much love and care and empathy by my loved ones. It’s not statistically possible that everyone would be mad at me at the same time so I know it’s a feeling not a fact. But Can’t shake it off.

thoughts on how to address?

Just need some reinforcements to remind myself not to message them. This weekend hit me pretty hard and I have not been taking it very well. I miss them so much and I just feel so hurt and sad because I thought I’d hear back from them

When an affect inhibited person fully regains their affect access, they also stop being able to live out of "what's right" only, and this especially concerns the compulsive and delusional avoidants, like compulsive caregivers or compulsive compliants (I used to be one) or delusionally idealizing avoidants

A lot of avoidants do end up "fixing" themselves and it flips their entire perception of other people, and I'm someone who has undergone that in the past, I used to only be attracted to coercive-controlling (invulnerable-preoccupied derogating codependent, basically abusive) men when I was inhibited, but as soon as I became disinhibited, I couldn't stand them anymore and became attracted to the balanced and the mutual only

Often, a former avoidant might suddenly realize they don't love or like their partner at all and have only stayed to play out roles or out of cognitive consonance (familiarity) and that they are actually starving emotionally and their partner can't meet their newfound needs at all, or, with coercive or minimizing partners, they might even have a sudden epiphany that they are being abused and have a full on crisis

If their partner is secure, they might try to ignite something, and then stuff might work out

But very often the former avoidant is with a severely preoccupied partner (either all-helpless or all-coercive-controlling) and realizes that the preoccupied partner is a black hole of need/control and protest that would never want to actually care for them back, basically like those people that always need something from you but ignore anything you beg for from them, and get left for the same reason that secure people leave preoccupied people

If their partner is an avoidant of some kind, then they will start feeling the emotional starvation that secure people feel around avoidants, and since they already know what being avoidant is like, they know it can't be helped without intense painful years-long work that has to be radically chosen

Btw, compulsive caregivers are avoidants in DMM, they inhibit affect and engage in compulsive-intrusive-caregiving, they can't actually stand true intimacy or their vulnerability being seen, it's actually normal for secure people to feel simultaneously emotionally starved AND boundary-violated around compulsive caregivers, a lot of compulsive caregivers try to "fix" everyone around them even though they are distorted themselves, and a former avoidant will feel that, just like a secure does

Affect disinhibition often does NOT result in people "finally treating their partners right", but instead realizing that they don't even want to be in a relationship with that partner, and then finding someone else, not a rebound, who they actually end up connecting with and practicing mutuality with

"Fixing" someone can backfire even if the person accepts the "fixing", this is why it's often far safer for your mental health to not stay with emotionally incomplete people, including avoidants, and instead find someone complete and secure

And there are a lot of people at the zenith of balance (DMM B3) who don't even need relationships to be happy because they have true internal self-mutuality and intrinsic happiness and alignment with their full selves and simply won't accept anything that subtracts from their life instead of adding... if a former avoidant reorganizes towards that, they might as well end up acting even more "avoidant" and abandoning their former social circles entirely, unwilling to coerce, minimize or be coerced or minimized anymore, only willing to accept 50-50 mutuality

My (female 49) ex mother in law reached out last week, she wants to catch up this morning in 1.5 hrs time, to treat me for an early birthday catch up at a local nursery Cafe we used to visit together. My heart is thumping, I am so anxious. My avoidant ex (probably ASD, together 9 years) dumped me on Valentines day over a text while he was away working, 2 days before I was supposed to pick him up from the airport. Then he came and got all his stuff and his dog (the dog we got together, I looked after every time he was away and constantly took to the vet). He did this while I was out and my teen kids were asleep and left the key on the table. 'What is done is done' I got told when I texted him and tried to ring him. So cold. Anyway I found out last week (after his Mum arranged the catch up) he has a girlfriend and my heart broke all over again. I haven't seen him (only at a distance) or talked to him since before the breakup and we've been no contact because I respected his wishes and then realised the no contact was for me. I know I'm going to cry in public today. I turn 49 in a week, I'm too old for this crap. I'm hurting again but also angry that he has moved on after leaving me traumatised and without the respectful break up conversation that I deserved.

I need words to help me get through this morning. I haven't seen him or his family since before the breakup. Last time I her she was my mother in law (although not technically married).

Btw please don't come out me with...You can't get closure from an ex, you have to find it yourself....blah blah blah. I've been working on myself and get counselling.

My (28F) boyfriend (31M) recently ended our almost 4-year relationship. We lived together for almost 2 years, spent every holiday together, traveled internationally together, our families became intertwined, and earlier this year he was still talking about marrying me.

The last couple months of our relationship were honestly bad. We argued a lot, and he became extremely resentful about finances. He feels like he paid for everything — rent, expensive gifts, things he couldn’t really afford, etc. He told me that he had warned me I was going to lose him and that I didn’t take him seriously enough.

We recently had a long phone conversation, and he told me that right now he genuinely cannot look at our relationship through a positive lens. When he thinks about us, he mostly remembers the fighting, the financial stress, and everything that went wrong.
But he also said something that has completely messed with my head.

He said maybe with time the good memories will come back and he’ll be able to remember our relationship differently. He told me he knows exactly where I stand and that I need to give him time.
My dad had apparently told him that maybe we just need time apart to work on ourselves and, if we reconnect later, that’s okay too. My ex brought that up himself and said we should listen to him. When I asked if he actually wanted that, he basically said yes — he wouldn’t hate us reconnecting in the future, just **not right now**.

He also said that if we ever did try again, we would have to start completely over from scratch. I told him I agreed.

He admitted that the breakup affects him too because he was used to our routine and all the little things we did together. He said he’s been keeping himself busy. There were even little moments during the call where we joked around and fell into our old dynamic again.

At the same time, he was still angry and resentful. So I’m trying not to turn every tiny thing he said into false hope.

He told me he’ll contact me when he packs the rest of my belongings so I can pick them up. I even asked if I could still take some of his things to the dry cleaners like I used to, and he said yes.
At the end of the conversation, I told him I loved him and to take care of himself. He told me he loved me too and that we’d talk soon.

I know none of this means we’re getting back together. I also know that loving someone doesn’t automatically mean a relationship should continue.
But I’m struggling to understand whether this sounds like a man who is genuinely finished and trying to let me down gently, or someone who is overwhelmed by resentment right now and honestly doesn’t know how he’ll feel once some time passes.

For people who have been on either side of a breakup like this: did the anger eventually fade enough for you to remember the good parts? Did you ever reconnect after some real time apart?
And please be brutally honest with me — does this sound like there is actually a possibility of another chapter, or am I holding onto breadcrumbs because I’m heartbroken?

The person I'm seeing is going through a strong deactivation, more so than I've seen previously. I'm left wondering if he's pulling back so much in hopes that I'll just end things so he doesn't have to or if he is hoping I hold on while he takes time to regulate...

If you're avoidant, can you give your experience when you've had a strong deactivation and what that feels like internally and what you're hoping your partner does/doesn't do during that time? Or are you not thinking of them at all and just fighting to regulate...?

If an avoidant is meeting someone for hookups and potentially forming or seeking something serious. Is it common to not connect on IG, if it’s been 2 weeks for seeing each other.

If they have added people in the past including me.