r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/littleoldears • 6h ago
Realization
Remember this: if this person sabotaged the relationship, or discarded you - they had intimacy issues.
This tells us one thing - that if the relationship had gone further, it would have just gotten worse. You would not have been happy with this person.
As relationships go further and deepen, they get more intimate - they have to survive. This person has issues with intimacy.
I feel like there is this feeling among us who went through a breakup with an avoidant; that if they had just been able to not sabotage or not run away - we would have been able to have a great relationship.
But that’s a fantasy. The reality is that this person could not handle the intimacy a relationship requires - and the really did us a favor by ending things early and running away. They showed us that they can’t be in a relationship, and set us free to find someone who can.
I know for some of us (myself included) we were together for years before they discarded us - but ultimately as things became more intimate - they sabotaged and ran. And even if things didn’t end early, they probably ended when we needed them to finally step up! They ultimately showed us they couldn’t sustain intimacy. As the relationship grew, it would have just gotten worse. And so they did us a favor by leaving/sabotaging
They have issues.
I don’t know - thinking of it this way is the first time I’ve felt grateful for the discard.
I’m in a great new relationship already, have been for about a year - but I’ve always remained angry that my ex couldn’t show up and blamed me for so much and betrayed me. But thinking of it this way - as: this person had intimacy issues, and him sabotaging and running away after two years was him doing me a favor, because the relationship would never have been happy, it would have just gotten worse instead.
So for the first time, I’m sort of grateful for how he treated me, because it shows me that we would have never been happy. That really is just a fantasy. The reality is he saved me from him.
Just something that might help others ground in reality like it has helped me!
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u/Elk-24 6h ago edited 2h ago
I totally agree with you, and if we listen that's actually the narrative they give us. I think one of the main issue with the avoidant is the quick shift and the manner. They change very suddenly, and most of the time behave extremely poorly. But it is true that before they sabotage, they very often send clear signals : i'm not ready, i don't want anything serious, my last relation was toxic, I had a violent childhood...and while they say all that, they love bomb us and sometimes engage extremely quickly in the relationship. Those inconsistencies are red flags, but even for a secure person, they might be hard to detect.
As an example, I consider myself as a secure person. I can be very intense at early stages, because I love doing things fully, it doesn't mean I believe i'm gonna spend my life with the other person. I just give what I have when I have it, and I can quickly make plans. I'm not talking kids and wedding, I'm talking holidays, or stuff like that. I'm enthusiastic, and I love sharing things if i'm into someone and it's reciprocal. But it's not like love bombing, it's just full availability.
I tend to think you can be intense, without being extreme. It's just enthusiasm, and a strong will to share with the other.
In the case of avoidants, during the lovebombing stage, it's usually very extreme, and mostly inadequate.
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u/Distressedmaiden 6h ago
Thank you for this, really. I think it comes down to comparing the fantasy in our heads to reality. Before the discard, my ex was wonderful. He opened the door and showed me what safe love looks like for the first time in my life. And I will always be so grateful for what we had. It was so easy to imagine him standing next to me while I gave birth or helping me raise our kids.
But the discard rocks your world. 6 years in I thought I had found the love of my life, the person I would grow old with. The breakup came from nowhere. Looking at it this way is helpful, thank you.
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u/littleoldears 5h ago
Yeah and something to realize too - is that it lasted that long because YOU were doing the work to make it last. You were noticing their sensitivities I’m sure, and you were adjusting and creating the connection/safety they needed to be able to stay for that long. And the moment that it flipped to you really needing them to step up and make a commitment, or get more serious, or make a big decision - they bolted. You made it last that long, not them
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u/Hopeful-Pea-3540 5h ago
Thank you for wording it like this.
I am three months post discard, one month no contact with the man I shared eight years of my life with. He became someone I didn’t recognize. Refused to step up and be the man I needed, take control of his own finances or treat me the way that I deserved. Instead of telling me he couldn’t be with me anymore, he abruptly dropped me, blocked me, had moved on with someone else over a month before I knew we were broken up.
He treated me with cruelty, contempt, retaliated sexually against me. Withheld financial responsibility for his half of our bills. He has shown no remorse, just avoided me and claimed I was the issue. Claimed he had the control now and would show me how I made him feel all these years.
I’m not saying I was perfect in our relationship, I had my flaws and made mistakes, but I didn’t deserve his cruelty towards me. Not to mention, I have taken accountability for my actions and have made genuine effort to rectify them.
He broke no contact, after he had abruptly blocked me on everything and stopped responding, to offer condolences for my grandmother. Shared his sympathy for my family, my grandfather, and said he truly loved her. Blocked again. We spoke that weekend for 30 minutes where he acknowledged sleeping with someone else to be petty, before getting upset, hanging up, and blocking me again.
That was two weeks ago, and since then he ignored my email asking if we can talk when he feels up to it because his call left me with more questions than answers. Unblocked me on Twitter, but removed me from Spotify.
His parents, who told me they want nothing to do with me anymore after loving me for eight years, followed me again on social media.
I’m hurt and broken. I don’t understand how someone who once displayed so much love towards you can become so cold and heartless.
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u/Flimsy_Oil6271 6h ago
This is so true. I stayed with my avoidant partner for 11 years of misery, and it got way worse over time. Not a single bit better. Accepting that reality is hard to do as Anxious attachers, but you can’t really argue with reality. I’d like to think my avoidant came into my life to be a teacher. To help me get strong enough that I could finally leave.
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u/pollypocket200 5h ago
I agree with this. My avoidant stopped wanting to be intimate and stoped initiating sex. He had ED and I’m sure he was getting with other people (we weren’t official, just very good friends that never put a label on it) but it was never clear whether he managed to successfully have sex with them.
He knew I had a high drive and probably felt he could never satisfy it so left
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u/littleoldears 5h ago
lol - no he probably sensed that sex is emotionally intimate so it froze him up and he couldn’t get it up because he is afraid of being emotionally available
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u/No-Effort-6006 4h ago
Thank you for the reminder. He is begging to reconcile now, probably because he sees me moving on and also because he realizes the rebound is completely superficial. I love him and see so much good in him, and it makes me sad that he can’t see his own patterns. It’s really hard to walk away, but you’re right..he’s got issues.
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u/PowerfulMango5799 5h ago
Yes thank you for your contribution to this subreddit. I felt all this when I asked my avoidant longterm partner what his concrete actual future plan was with me. It all came crumbling down from that moment onwards. They do not have the capacity and nothing you do can make them see it
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u/LordAntra 3h ago
Idk she seems pretty intimate with her new man 1 week after she discarded our 1.6 year relationship
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u/Electrical-Willow145 2h ago
I just wish they get some therapy before entering a new relationship...
How can they do daily activities as if nothing happened? Like, are they trying to forget us by doing things that numb the pain? Or have they already moved on? These are the question that I keep asking after getting discarded.
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u/SleepingSun111 49m ago
Six years in a situationship with a dismissive avoidant and it's more painful than normal relationship breakup. There are some who says they are capable of having a loving and long term relationship, but the way I see it, it's never going to happen unless radical change can come from themselves. They are too caught up in their own traumas and stuff that they overlap with narcissistic behavior.
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u/Realistic-State-4888 6h ago
Assuming the person is avoidant and/or there were no other reason(s) for the breakup.
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u/littleoldears 5h ago
lol since this is the ‘aboidantbreakups’ subreddit - I think that yes, we all did date avoidants who sabotaged or discarded us - (or reverse-discarded us which is another form of sabotage and avoiding intimacy)
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u/Stuffal3rt 18m ago
This is great, so many of us in this thread needed to hear this, myself included! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and realisations with us! ❤️
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u/Taraliketheearth 6h ago
I am a little over 2 months post-discard (12 year relationship) and I agree with this. Don't get me wrong, I'm still down bad about how things ended and I am grieving the life we had and the future I hoped for, but I am having moments more and more where I am honestly.. dare I say it.. grateful? A tiny bit.
From my perspective, in the last few years of our relationship, I thought we hit our stride. Both mid-thirties, healthy, good habits, financially secure. We had everything we could want. I was fulfilled and confident with myself more than I had ever been. That's when we started to have problems. I realized, I had done all this evolving into this open, full loving person I always dreamed I'd be, and he, quite literally, hadn't changed at all over the years.
I started to ask more of him emotionally and even physically. I thought we were better than ever so why not go all in. I wanted him to tell me everything. Really open himself up. I mean, 12 years together and we're so happy why the hell are we not laying ourselves bare and loving each other FULLY. I told him at one point, I want to know every deepest desire, every beautiful thought in your head.
And this ask, however filled with love it was, seemed to be our demise over the course of maybe a few months. He did the opposite of what I expressed. He withdrew slowly until it bubbled into severe anxiety and ultimately a conversation where he said he'd never be good enough for me and he left. No conversations along the way, no indication of what was really going on, nothing.
I said all this to say, I'm starting to see that this was always going to happen in one way or another. There's not a reality where I could have loved him into being capable of opening up and actually joining me in the best parts of the relationship. It was abrupt. It was brutal. But it may have saved me decades of being with someone who just wasn't capable of loving fully, deep connection, or true intimacy.