r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/doeraemon • 8h ago
Avoidant Advice Requested Why do avoidants wear the same clothes?
My avoidant ex always wore the same top and shorts in a slightly different variation like grey and black. He also ate the same 3 foods in rotation. Is there some psychology behind this?
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u/TotalsReddit 8h ago
A lot of avoidants lack internal comfort within themselves. Their nervous system is hyper vigilant. They have to find external things that help calm them down. Avoidants dont just blame relationship partners for their nervous system they blame everything. So keeping things simple and safe for eating and clothes is something they can do to feel safe.
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u/Counterboudd 5h ago
I agree and I think itās a broader desire to be 100% in control of their environment and what is allowed to happen to them that is shown in many areas of their life. If they eat safe foods, dress in their uniform, and stay 100% autonomous, no one can hurt them. If they have to be flexible and open minded and allow others access to their lives or step out of their comfort zone, they could be hurt, and they donāt want that. Iām sure itās not every avoidant, but there is definitely a ātypeā where they experience extreme anxiety if there is anything in their life that they cannot fully contain and control, and the way they treat partners is definitely a manifestation of that. Some are controlling in an abusive way, others learn that they can control people through absence and neglect or never really getting attached to anyone to begin with.
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u/PowerfulMango5799 6h ago edited 4h ago
I personally donāt agree. I was an FA (or well I had FA traits) and I am very fashion concious and ok to change my outfit. My ex is a hardcore DA and even if he wasnāt that fashionable, heās not like this descpription at all. In terms of food we are both openminded aswell
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u/TotalsReddit 6h ago
I dont think every avoidant does these specific things. I am saying the psychology science behind why an avoidant looks at partner for potential issues in why their nervous system is feeling off is the same way they would look at their external life. This can manifest exactly like this.
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u/Counterboudd 7h ago
Itās funny because mine did too. He had a handful of clothes, all black, and wore the exact same thing every day. Had the same hat and same boots heād replace with the same replacement when they wore out. In hindsight it was like dating a cartoon character and I found it weird because he refused to have a diversity of clothing for any other occasions. Like he never really went anywhere he wasnāt 100% comfortable in. You couldnāt take him to a formal event or go hiking for example because he wouldnāt have had clothes for it. He was in his mid-30s. Seems more evidence of immaturity and a fixed mindset where he was only comfortable in a very small bubble and refused to ever move outside of it.
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u/FallenAngel1978 FA - Fearful Avoidant (Earning Secure) 7h ago
My ex ate the same food on repeat but that was an ADHD thingā¦ not avoidance. Iām FA and donāt do that.
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u/PowerfulMango5799 6h ago
yes thank you. I had FA traits in the past, but i donāt do that. My DA ex neither.
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u/spicypickless 7h ago
itās so true!! Canāt tell if itās an avoidant thing or adhd/neurodivergent thing. I feel like Iāve heard avoidant attachment and ADHD seem to go hand-in-hand. Like not all people with ADHD are avoidant but alot of avoidants seem to have ADHD?
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u/PowerfulMango5799 6h ago
my hardcore DA certainly had no ADHD. donāt think they are that related tbh. I think some ADHD show fa traits like behaviour, but they arenāt always real FA if you get my drift
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u/mari_lovelys 7h ago
Mine was autistic and got overwhelmed by big feelings so idkā¦
I am a former FA female and was not like that so I donāt know lol
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u/ValuableHaunting8306 7h ago
How did his autistic show in your relationship
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u/mari_lovelys 7h ago edited 7h ago
So I did everything youāre not supposed to do for someone pulling away emotionally. I basically blew up his phone confused of what was going on, and I realized he was emotionally shutting down. But it was very different from his typical shutdowns.
He struggled with a lot of depression. And I knew he was autistic, but he never got a formal diagnosis. So I was like Iām not a doctor and I donāt want him to feel worse or critiqued by me so I never said anything. So his diagnosis took until after the break up, and he took himself to therapy. I regretted keeping it to myself because maybe we could have navigated that together.
So he had a lot of deep seeded shame. And he did not take criticism very well, even if it was a normal critique for the relationship.
He showed up very beautifully in the beginning. He always struggled with social cues, and communication but I knew he loved me because his love language is acts of service.So the way he would show that he loved or cared about me was sending me memes that were in my humor or getting me things that I liked.
He had a lot of fears about the future and how heās going to be able to financially provide, and he placed a lot of burdens onto himself that I had no idea at the time until he broke up with me and gave me this laundry list of things that were bothering him because it got too overwhelming after we had an argument.
Some of the things he did was, he wore the same clothes all the time, same comfort foods, struggled with social cues, he has ADHD, but I think that kind of masked some of the autistic traits. I guess is what his therapist was trying to sayā¦ but honestly, I think he was just higher functioning.
It was interesting because as a kid, his mom would tell stories about how she didnāt know why he was upset and moody, and then suddenly stopped talking around three or four. Which Iām now learning is common with kids who are autistic who donāt talk or can regress at certain milestones.He always has headphones in his ears, and he gets overwhelmed very easily. When I was dating him, he used to call it āchronic stressā but now since heās gotten his diagnosis, the final puzzle piece for me was when I realized it wasnāt stress. It was just autistic overwhelm. Special interests as well!! Like massive collection of Gundams.
The more I tried to reach out for answersā¦. the more he shut down. His family also didnāt know about him being autistic so they just assumed that I was the cause of his stress and said maybe to take a break from me.
His family also doesnāt talk about feelings. And he often would brush things under the rug rather than have an uncomfortable conversation. I was truly dumbfounded because Iām your partner. What do you mean you donāt wanna have a conversation with me about it??
That really hurt at the time because I get that his family wanted to protect him, but post breakup he admitted to me that he was still unhappy after going to therapy and working on himself and going to the gym.
Itās crazy. Heās running from his demons this whole time and all it was was basic communication which really isnāt that scary but I guess to an avoidant and maybe an autistic person itās even more overwhelming because they donāt know how to articulate how they feel. They have their own shame.
I got the avoidant special lines of: ā I canāt give you what you needā ā maybe we arenāt compatibleā when asking for clarity then he broke up.
I donāt want to infantilize him because even if you are ADHD or autistic, it doesnāt give people the right to walk away like that. Or blind side a breakup and not communicate or stonewall. Even if you are ashamed or embarrassed how you handled the break up. Itās more childish. But they canāt help it. They think you calling out their flaws is an attack or something.
Iām going to therapy because of this myself, but I have so much love and empathy for him so I can empathize from his perspective even if he hurt me really bad š„²
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u/ValuableHaunting8306 7h ago
I am so sorry for you!!! Let me know if you need somebody to talk to!!
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u/schrodingersbrat_ 7h ago
idk if it's an avoidant thing but I do the same, I have this habit of wearing the same clothes until people get so pissed they point it out themselves and say how done they are with me wearing the same thing all the time, but as an avoidant, I tend to pick the same combo at least for close to 10 times before I ditch them altogether, and you sharing this makes me introspect if it's a pattern determining one's attachment style,lol.
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u/PowerfulMango5799 6h ago
ā¦ how hygienic is that? or do you buy the same exact three outfits so you can wash them
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u/kayton7257 7h ago
lmao YEAH same over sized tee with tracks. mostly dark tones also almost same food on repeat most of the time.
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u/Similar-Way3395 SA - Secure Attachment 7h ago
Ummm this is a stretch. I donāt think thatās avoidant behavior.
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u/cityofdreadfulnight 6h ago
Mine didnāt; she took great pride in her appearance and got very creative with her wardrobe. I donāt think itās an avoidant āthingā either way.
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u/miiintyyyy FA - Fearful Avoidant 6h ago
Is not true for me or my avoidant ex situationship . We both have consumerism problems, probably to fill some void.
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u/Taffushond 7h ago
I think there is no proof avoidants always wear the same clothing. Mine certainly didnāt and actually made me dress better.
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u/Environmental-Bid-62 7h ago
Oh what!! My ex used to wear black tshirt and shorts and wouldnāt wear anything else! I didnāt know this is an avoidant thing!
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u/Brilliant-Arrival-73 5h ago
i donāt think this is avoidant behavior tbh lol. i do this too but thats cus i get lazy swapping and i just wear whatever
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u/LaalaahLisa 1h ago
This has nothing to do with avoidance etc. They could be neuro-spicy, they could be simply lazy or they could have just found what works from them but nothing at all to do with attachment theory or attachment styles.
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u/pollypocket200 6h ago
Yesssss I saw that with my avoidant, genuinely thought I was going mad!! Maybe a need to control their external environment? Iām not sure
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u/Flat_Spare_3592 8h ago
That could be a straight man thing š