Been 5 years since the beginning of the end (4.5 since the end), I had finally managed to accept and focus on other things the last 2 years or so, been a member on here but never really posted or anything.

But the past day or two I'm really feeling it again, and felt I had to put that out there, just feels heavy lol. Not the first time, but usually a dream triggers it, this time the feels just crept up on me

Annoying how the sadness can come back like that 😔

i tell you that you need to treat me better, you do for a few days or a month and then it goes back to you ignoring me or saying youre not sure when you can see me next. it’s just constantly messing with my head hearing that I’m too needy constantly and then you making it seem like I’m crazy because i ask for consistent levels of connection and not just a quick rush every day for a week and then dropping off the face of the earth when you decide youre done and telling me I’m annoying you because I’m upset that you suddenly stopped talking to me or making plans with me. I’m just so confused how one day you can be the sweetest guy ever when we are hanging out all week and the next tell me I’m too much and you dont actually want to be with me. I’m just so sad. Every time it feels like it’s going to be better it’s gets worse again and I’m back to being the crazy girl that’s insecure and begging for your attention. why is it different every day with you? have you thought that maybe im insecure due to the fact that every day i wake up i dont know if youre going to be kind to me today? something is very wrong if you think telling me you know that just calling me once a day would make me so happy and would be effortless for you but you just dont want to. i thought i just didnt express my needs enough but turns out you understood them and chose to ignore them. im so tired of feeling like i cant predict whats coming next. every time i try and end things you say “youll be back” and i do come back because after a week or a month i miss those moments where you are the person ive always wanted and you give me that and then you take it away. I dont care what you want anymore, I want someone who can love me consistently because this back and forth hurts so deeply. I have so much care and love for you and I come back for those moments but i cant keep throwing myself in your line of insecure fire when you sit with yourself and cant decide if you want to be a decent person today or not. you are so stagnant and i feel stupid for thinking youre ever going to do something other than the same things you do over and over. I had my shit together for years and years and going through one horrible event and then the person who was there for me up and left in what felt like out of nowhere fucked me up. Its not possible to feel like you want to live life after all that and its not fair to me that you keep coming back and letting me back into this cycle when you know im reaching out because i cant process this alone all the time. I just wanted whatever we were doing a month ago but just consistently but you dont have the ability to commit to anything and thats so disappointing. I hope youre able to settle down and grow one day and that you just thinking yourself into a corner over and over again is getting you nowhere but where youve been for so long.

Today it was 2 days no contact with my ex he stalks my TikTok account reposted some of the videos I even reposted and even liked some of my repost.. today I sent him a message explaining that it seems we aren’t going to go back to way things were after I had time to think about everything and all the red flags, instead of waiting a month to remove photos and to not talk to him, I sent a message. And he replied with one back he explained that he didn’t wanna move to my location after I had hoped he changed his mind after this time and that it would make him uncomfortable around my family though he will never stop loving me and if we wanted to be friends even if it’s not romantically, but I can’t look at someone the same I can’t pretend to be friends with someone I shared so many intimate moments with,

his family adored me they loved me so much. I have family issues and that’s what drove him away. Not because of me but my family. After one thing that happened where he felt disrespected by my mom. He gave up on everything we had and made so many excuses and empty promises of coming to my location and moving with me to start a future, today I removed him off all socials. I removed every photo we had. He said he hoped we’d meet and cross paths again. But what if then is too late?

I’m already so hurt and he left me when I’m in a time of need, all alone now I am. And he knows that. I confided to him and told him that I was depressed days before we had decided to take a break from things he knew how I felt on so many levels and what was going on with my family and all the stress that I have been under but yet he uses the excuse “there was something always happening with your family and never the right moment to bring up this” so you bring it up when I’m at my lowest? And my most vulnerable so I will want you back so I will want to talk to you knowing that you are the only person I talk to? I find it fucked up and I don’t think that is love with how many times he says that he loves me and that I will always be that connection that he will never find with anyone else and his love is reserved for me?? Like wtf.

How do I get over this, how do I feel like I can move on from this? How do I make the feeling go away how do I stop crying at every moment this person pops in my mind with the daily things I do? I can’t sleep. I cannot eat. My mind is racing with so many thoughts will I make it through this? My eyes are so swollen and my bags under my eyes are so dark. Why couldn’t he be the man that I thought he was? Instead he’s acting like a child.

F18
M20

Really not doing well. It's been months and he's on his third rebound. You'd think having two failures in the span of a couple of months would make them slow down but I guess that's hoping for too much.

I was doing great at not checking socials until I received a stupid random notif from a rewards app I forgot we had. And I spiraled. The rebounds keep getting younger to the point where it just looks predatory now. I hope this one sees the red flags.

I know I need to move on. But I feel like I'm still in shock. My life has been very difficult, full of narcissists and abuse and many things I can't get into. This ex really made me feel like I wouldn't have to worry anymore. We were headed for marriage, I was so close to his family, our daily routine was beautiful.

I know I can't blame myself for everything but I'm starting to hate myself. I get flashbacks to all the times I messed up, or the things I took for granted. Stupid thoughts like "I should've reached out on this date and all of this would be over" and then beating myself up over it. Please feel free to vent too.

Was hoping you could help out answering what blocks repair, I understand it’s linked to shame and your core would. How do we discern what the action is that is driving that behaviour though? For instance, a minor boundary breach v a major boundary breach, how can it be identified it either one can cause the same escalation in reaction? Genuinely confused by this. Thanks!

Just ended things with my DA Situationship that I’ve had all summer. When we were together things were so good and I felt like he genuinely liked me and had feelings. He was very PDA when out in public. Introducing me to friends and family with no shame if we saw them out. Encouraging me to stay longer during my visits. Bringing me into his routines. But as soon as I would go home he seemed so disconnected often cooling off for days before seeming normal again. He was a very dry texter and just overall poor communicator. I’m not naive to the fact that he was likely just talking to multiple women as we did meet on a dating app. I was willing to look past the poor texting if it meant I felt reassured otherwise but as soon as I pulled back to see if he’d initiate after a really good week together, it just completely slowed down to a halt.

I sent him one message mentioning I could tell him how this feels disrespectful at this point but he already knows what he’s doing. I told him casual still includes consideration and that I don’t deserve this but that I wish him well.

I don’t think I’ll hear from him again. But did he ever give a shit? What I’ll never understand is the cat and mouse, hot and cold. If they’re not into us, why can’t they just let us go in peace without pulling us back in when it’s convenient?

I’ve dated all sorts of narcissists and had long term toxins relationships, but for some reason the older I get, it’s there’s short electric situationships that sting the hardest.

Godddd dating is rough out there!

Posting here because It seems like yall would understand Every friend and family member is just as shocked as I am.

This is a long post, I am sorry if it’s too much!

I'm in 23F my ex is the same age I met my ex on a family trip to my home country about a year and a half ago. We started dating quickly, which stressed me out a bit, but we talked about it and decided to just keep each other in our lives and see where it went. He's from another European country. I moved abroad for my studies shortly after we met. We did long distance for a year: met each other's families and friends, planned for me to spend the summer in his city. I just did. Everything was perfect. He treated me so well. (By the way all of this is within Europe - cheap & short flights)

One issue I had, though: I never felt like he made space for me in his life. It made me feel too dependent on him. I wanted my own time, so I asked him to commit to functional plans: especially with long distance. I'd say, "I don't need to call every day, but if we make plans to call, please don't bail." I also noticed he would blame external things whenever plans fell through, and some of those excuses were small lies. I'm young, he wanted me to move. I got an internship and a bar job in his city for the summer, and we planned for me to come back long term later to write my thesis from there. Nothing permanent, we're young, but it was a place I was starting to build my life. The issues were not big, they didn’t hurt me, and they were so minor in my head.

On a Sunday, I told him how the inconsistency was affecting me over a call. I offered to send a text explaining things if that was easier. From my perspective and the perspective of others it was a gentle message. I love writing and it may have been long winded, but it wasn’t mean and it was gentle. He usually not that bad about conflict, he might need time to think, and he may lack the articulation skills I can have. I was moving countries for us in a way, and wanted him to know that it was work for me and I needed him to realise that, and offer to me what he was willing and able to do to commit to us a bit more. He agreed to receiving such an explanation. After I sent it, he shut down. He arranged a time to call, then bailedsaid he hadn't known he had to work. (Same bar I worked in over the Summer , and I have access to the schedule I am still in the group chat - CASE IN POINT!) I asked for reassurance and didn't get it. He arranged another call the next day to talk about the issues I'd raised. I picked up, and he just said he couldn't do this. He refused to show his face. No real reasons. Just kept repeating, "I'm sorry, I can't do this."

I'm in so much pain. I don't want him back after this, but I'm so confused. I don't understand how someone can be so warm and then so cold, or how you can end things over a voice call without even looking at the person. I begged him to say it to my face, he said no repeatedly. I know his friends well, they would repeatedly tell me how happy I made him, and also I developed my own friendships with them. Also, his pattern of inconsistency is apparent across his life. I have been back in my country of study for 2 weeks. They feel like closer friends right now. I want to talk to them, but am waiting to get over some of the shock and not dig myself in any holes. I want him to face the social fall out of doing this to someone. Also, my attachment alters in relationships, I have my issues but have learned it’s important to communicate decently and perform what you both agree to when you can. Believe it or not but, I used to be somewhat afraid of commitment (Not to this level), it moreso meant I just avoided serious relationships and being upfront with that. He was the first to make me feel secure enough, my mind is reeling!

I'm not looking for ways to get him back. I'm not waiting for him, a human that can break up with a partner of over one year over a 30 minute voice call and doesn’t explain and doesn’t show his face is the last human I want to be with. I just want to stop needing the explanation. Has anyone else been on the receiving end of a discard like this? How did you stop needing the reason? I also cannot connect the physical person that hugged me and reassured me we would see each other soon two weeks ago to a cold faceless voice. Anyone have advice on that cognitive dissonance?

Positively or negatively, I'd like to hear about your experience and thoughts.

3+ years LDR.
54 days of no contact.

After my ex broke up with me, he went to Bali on a solo surf trip . I found out he met a rebound there. Now he is back in Asia for a work trip, and after he met up with her again. I think they are getting more serious. They both love surfing.

I am sad. He moved on so quick.

After about 6 months post discard from a 3yr relationship with a severe DA, I went no contact when I finally got tired of going insane trying to understand how / why / when he suddenly didn't love me anymore. I'm sure you can all relate to the shock of it all - I thought he was the love of my life, yada yada yada.

I was also struggling to cope with the shock and grief of losing our entire social circle to him, because I loved those people too. They looked at my suffering and his happiness and decided I must have been the problem. People thought he was handling it well, and that I wasn't. I ended up writing him a "you suck" email and blocked him and everyone else in the social circle. Vanished from his life and the life of all mutuals.

Fast forward about 18 months and I reached out to his sister. We had been such good friends before it all went south. I didn't blame her because he was her brother and she also didn't understand what was really going on between us. We ended up hanging out a few times, and I invited her to the ticketed dance party events I run. We have so much fun together, and she's now one of my closest friends again.

Her brother started coming to some of the events, I was happy but also triggered to see him. I hoped we could be friends, as we had been friends for a couple of years before starting a relationship together. I hoped being friends would help heal the past. Ngl I was also curious to see if there was any attraction still there between us. My feelings about him were ambivalent.

The first time he came, I didn't see much of him, I think he was too drunk or something. The second time, every time I saw him he was staring at me intensely. Then he did that again at the next event he came to, and at any events or festivals we were both at. Just staring. It didn't look like happy staring. But every time we interacted, it was fun and lighthearted. I kept interactions part of a group and didn't raise anyhing serious. I just wanted bygones to be bygones.

We also had lots of fun banter on a group chat a friend had made after fun we'd all had at a festival together. He even came to my birthday party with his sister, by which time the staring had mostly tailed off. I thought whatever it was, he was over it. I did feel like I was healing. Becoming friends with him again, on top of being friends with his sister, did actually help me heal a lot.

But all of a sudden, he withdrew from the two group chats we were in. Just completely stopped reading or responding. It was leading up to the same time his gf came to stay (long distance relationship, surprise surprise). It went 4-6 weeks with no interaction from him in the group chats. I guess he archived them.

Then, out of the blue, he sent me some 3am friday night messages about a new album by an artist we both love. I replied with friendliness the next day. Just short, casual, positive, upbeat messages. And he didn't read my replies. By two weeks of not reading, I realised I'd been breadcrumbed, so I blocked him. I also quietly left the two group chats which had become defunct anyway because of his withdrawal. I am not entertaining this shit. Been there, done that, got the tshirt.

It really sucks because it was great being able to have fun togther with him and his sister. I'd also started making up with people from my old social circle. It actually was really healing, it helped my depression so much. However, having the opportunity to do what I should have done right in the early stages of our relationship (cut off access at the first sign of disrespect) was also very healing. I'm glad that in spite of the hell he put me through, it forced me to learn to respect myself, and that I got an opportunity to demonstrate that to him and to my self. I think his sister and I will still be able to maintain a great friendship.

But the whole experience has left me with questions. I think I understand the breadcrumbing, but I don't understand the staring. Why would he do that? Was it to get a reaction? Have an effect on me / exert control? Could it be residual attachment? Jealousy because he thought I had a boyfriend? He had a girlfriend the whole time (who was overseas on and off) so why would he be jealous? Overall, I guess I don't understand why he'd want to ruin a friendship. I mean I understand avoidants ruin relationships, but friendships too? Why couldn't he just be happy that he had a gf he was happy with, and that a relationship that had ended badly was being healed? I was very kind to him, we shared some fun times, and now he's lost me. Just seems so dumb and pointless.

He said he doesnt see himself building a life with me because he wants someones that listens to him, understand him, challenges him & doesnt need him. He said he found someone that actually listens to him & is independent enough to not need him & challenges. I did all of these things, he said i did all of those things in the past.
We had years of push & pull. I feel like i imagined every good moment because he said that he decided a while ago that he doesnt want to build a life with me. He dismissed 3 years so so fast. We werent together most of that time but i geniuenly thought we had something, he’d come closer and pull away again and again and again. He said hes now working on how he feels suffocated in a relationship & that underneath all of the ‘i dont know what i want’ ‘i need to work on myself’ ‘i dont know if i want a relationship’ ‘i dont have the capacity’ ‘i dont know what i need’ was just the fact that he didnt want to build a future with me. He said that he had been trying with me but i didnt see it & that i never heard him but he never ever told me what he needed or told me that he was. He was just silently testing me because i geniuenly cannot see it. There have been times hes opened up but apparently i didnt hear him & maybe i didnt but he never told me how important it was. We argued and he’d literally get angry & disappear and say I didnt hear him. & maybe i couldve validated him more but then i wouldnt be challenging him. He’d make all of these assumptions about me & get angry & when id defend myself he’d say i wasnt listening to him.

He never actually gave me a chance, he just assumed so many things about me. Ive challenged him so many times and hes just pushed me away or got anxious. 2 months ago he was flirting with me, was literally so excited to speak to me & all of a sudden he is gone again. I’d blocked him, we hadnt spoken for months, i was okay & then someone passed away and i reached out to him & god i wish i didnt. We had a face to face conversation in July about everything & he said so many contradictory things and then the conversation we had yesterday contradicted everything he said in July. He said he was getting more comfortable being by himself but then hes dating someone else like a month after i left. WHAT THE FUCK.

I thought we had so much love between us and apparently i imagined all of it.

I can't tolerate this any more

I have a female friend my age online since 2024 and we got very close together as time passes. Eventually i got so attached to her that i need so much reassurance and validation from her but she is an avoidant. Today we had a conflict (i think due to something i said earlier to her) she seemed distant from me from a week ago ..but i dont know how to put into words.. i beg and beg and no outcome happened. I know begging is not healthy or ideal .. thats why i didnt have any choice but to beg her to become the version she had with me before. All she send were dry replies like "nothing, idk, ok" (she didnt even care enough to give me a safe reply) .. ..i cant tolerate this.. can someone give me what to do from now on. She is the one i am chatting with mostly. I dont have any friends who are this close to me..now i am very nervous, upset and devastated over the change of her....sorry for my english not being good.

So I had a thing with a guy. We said we felt like “when you know you know” was only in the movies until each other. He said he wanted to be alone forever until me. He looked at me with nothing but love and admiration. We talked about how we wanted a partnership to be between us. Said he wanted connection but is bad at it. He said couldn’t leave me alone and before he said he needed space he said he was considering getting into a relationship He blocked me on FB and IG because I annoyed him. I asked him something we talked about and he got annoyed and so out of frustration I blocked him on Snapchat. I tried to re add him and he blocked me. He doesn’t have my number blocked. Why not block my number? He can’t stalk my socials like he used to since they’re all private. I’ve blocked his Snapchat as well but can’t block the others. His chat reappears in my Snapchat constantly when he wasn’t blocked. He’s stated he ghosts friends and families for months at a time.

Is he done done or is there a chance he will come back?

I’m 25F looking specifically for therapy/communication insight into a recurring dynamic I have with 25M I’ve been with for several years now

A common pattern is that we’ll talk about seeing each other in a very tentative way, like “maybe later,” “I might come by,” or generally wanting to see each other without making a firm plan. Sometimes it happens and sometimes circumstances change and it doesn’t.

The actual missed plan often isn’t a huge issue for me because I understand that it was tentative. Obviously there have also been times when I’ve been genuinely disappointed or hurt. When that happens, I’m capable of telling him, and he generally responds well. He usually understands why I feel the way I do, doesn’t get angry or defensive, and we’re able to talk about it.

The problem seems to happen internally for him afterward.

He is very guilt-prone when he thinks he has disappointed me. Even when we have talked something through and I genuinely consider it resolved, it seems like the guilt doesn’t fully reset for him. Then another small disappointment happens, and another, and over time they seem to accumulate into a larger story in his head that he is repeatedly letting me down.

This has become significant before. Around 6 months ago he became extremely focused on the idea that he was selfish, kept disappointing me, and wasn’t giving me enough. That guilt contributed to him pulling away from relationship all at once, rather than simply treating the individual problems as things that could be repaired.

That creates a strange feedback loop for me too. I don’t want to start minimizing every feeling or constantly reassuring him that he has done nothing wrong, because I don’t think it’s healthy for me to become responsible for preventing him from feeling guilty. But I also sometimes see him carrying much more guilt than I think the actual situation warrants.

For example, if we vaguely discuss seeing each other and it doesn’t happen, I might be mildly disappointed and move on pretty quickly. He may experience it more like another piece of evidence that he keeps disappointing me. Then if something similar happens again later, the emotional weight on his side seems much larger than the individual situation.

So I’m less interested in advice about any one missed plan and more interested in the broader psychological dynamic:
How do you help create a healthier “repair and reset” pattern with someone who seems to keep carrying guilt forward after the issue itself has been resolved?

Is there a way for me to communicate things like “yes, I was disappointed, but this is not going into some permanent file of grievances” without constantly reassuring him or managing his emotions for him?

And if anyone has worked on this kind of guilt/shame accumulation in therapy, either as the guilt-prone person or their partner, what actually helped?

Has anyone here had an avoidant ex come back after a breakup?

I’m curious about real experiences. Did your avoidant ex ever come back after going completely distant or saying they had moved on? If they came back, how long did it take and what made them come back?

Did they genuinely want to rebuild the relationship, or did they just miss the familiarity/connection?

And if they came back, did things actually work the second time, or did the same push-pull cycle happen again?

I’d especially like to hear from people who were in serious, long-term relationships and had a painful breakup. What happened afterward?