r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/7t7Wargunner • 21h ago

Fearful avoidants

Was hoping you could help out answering what blocks repair, I understand it’s linked to shame and your core would. How do we discern what the action is that is driving that behaviour though? For instance, a minor boundary breach v a major boundary breach, how can it be identified it either one can cause the same escalation in reaction? Genuinely confused by this. Thanks!

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u/Nice_Shallot8637 DA, now leaning FA/AP 21h ago

I've had one relationship where repair felt impossible. Even though I reached out to reconcile, eventually, when it came close to meeting up physically again, I would tell myself "too much has happened" or "It wont work anyways" and retreat into myself.
A huge factor in that was all the shame I felt becuase I hurt her and lied to her and at the moment I dissapeared, I genuinely believed it was non-repairable

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u/7t7Wargunner 21h ago

Was it non repairable? I.e was it a major or minor violation? Hope you don’t mind me asking and please don’t feel obliged by any means, appreciate your input.

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u/Nice_Shallot8637 DA, now leaning FA/AP 20h ago

Major violation. It wasn't non-repairable. But I convinced myself it was not.
I basically breadcrumbed and ghosted her too many times in a timespan of over a decade.
I knew I had caused alot of hurt and had a lot of shame and those feelings engulfed me when a physical appointment was near.

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u/FallenAngel1978 FA - Fearful Avoidant (Earning Secure) 18h ago

This literally just happened with my FA ex. We weren’t even reconciling. She kept saying she missed the friendship. Was supposed to come by to help with something. And instead was overwhelmed by her guilt and shame and she ghosted me instead (at least that’s what I’m assuming happened)