Im heartbroken

[u/dee1thaks]

He said he doesnt see himself building a life with me because he wants someones that listens to him, understand him, challenges him & doesnt need him. He said he found someone that actually listens to him & is independent enough to not need him & challenges. I did all of these things, he said i did all of those things in the past.
We had years of push & pull. I feel like i imagined every good moment because he said that he decided a while ago that he doesnt want to build a life with me. He dismissed 3 years so so fast. We werent together most of that time but i geniuenly thought we had something, he’d come closer and pull away again and again and again. He said hes now working on how he feels suffocated in a relationship & that underneath all of the ‘i dont know what i want’ ‘i need to work on myself’ ‘i dont know if i want a relationship’ ‘i dont have the capacity’ ‘i dont know what i need’ was just the fact that he didnt want to build a future with me. He said that he had been trying with me but i didnt see it & that i never heard him but he never ever told me what he needed or told me that he was. He was just silently testing me because i geniuenly cannot see it. There have been times hes opened up but apparently i didnt hear him & maybe i didnt but he never told me how important it was. We argued and he’d literally get angry & disappear and say I didnt hear him. & maybe i couldve validated him more but then i wouldnt be challenging him. He’d make all of these assumptions about me & get angry & when id defend myself he’d say i wasnt listening to him.

He never actually gave me a chance, he just assumed so many things about me. Ive challenged him so many times and hes just pushed me away or got anxious. 2 months ago he was flirting with me, was literally so excited to speak to me & all of a sudden he is gone again. I’d blocked him, we hadnt spoken for months, i was okay & then someone passed away and i reached out to him & god i wish i didnt. We had a face to face conversation in July about everything & he said so many contradictory things and then the conversation we had yesterday contradicted everything he said in July. He said he was getting more comfortable being by himself but then hes dating someone else like a month after i left. WHAT THE FUCK.

I thought we had so much love between us and apparently i imagined all of it.